8 months and counting

Loric0719 · #1 03-08-2005, 01:50 PM

My adopted 17 yo son is really getting out of control.

The older boys were aloud to eat in the TV room unless we found a mess.

Well id did and we told both boys no more eating in the TV room. My 17yo came home from work last night at 11. He was talking on the phone after 11. My husband went out to tell him its time to hang up the phone. Found him eating in the TV room. My husband said mom told you no more eatin in the TV room right? He said right but caused alot of greif for my husband.

He has said he was moving out when he's 18. This I need to see.

It always seems its one thig or another.

My 16yo is grounded for bad spanish grade. My husband talked to his teacher on friday who said he failed a quiz. He didn't turn in homework the other week. He cant go anywhere or use the phone. Last night at supper he said check my grade I thing I brought it up mening he wants ungrounded.

My husband said I'll check again Friday (Alot sure changed in one day). He's not happy.

The older kids set poor examples for my younger boys.

Now I'm starting to agree with my husband 18 cant come soonenough. Sorry to feel this way but I don't know what else to do.

Lorraine123 · #2 03-08-2005, 02:02 PM

I will apologize in advance if I sound flippant, but I don't really see the problem.

I see fairly normal teenage boys.

You are this upset because he is eating in the family room? Also because another son got a bad grade on a spanish quiz?

I don't get it. Sorry

lucyjoy · #3 03-08-2005, 03:20 PM

It's hard to feel warm and fuzzy to a kid who takes every opportunity to remind you that you are not a good enough parent to them. I have 6 teen boys and I know exactly what you mean. I am so much more willing to cut my respectful 16 year old slack then I am the one who mouths off at me. The negativity and verbal abuse is so constant that little things begin to really just jab at you. My son gets mad and tells me he's moving out in 4 months when he hits 17. There are days when I'm thinking-"Can you go now"(although I don't say that).

It doesn't mean I don't love my child. I hate it when people tell me "Boys will be boys" or other such nonsense. I have 9 and I don't allow them to treat me like I intruded on their lives by adopting them. It's rude.

I also hate the example the negative behavior sets for my younger children. It is unhealthy for them.

It's okay for you to feel tired, used and overwhelmed by their treatment. It's okay to be angry and feel like your done.(not to say so, but to feel it)

I would continue to address the negative behavior and to hold your ground. They know the rules and if they choose to break them, they deal with the consequences.

Loric0719 · #4 03-09-2005, 08:20 AM

"I see fairly normal teenage boys. "

I'm not use to having my 17yo just doing things for spite.

my 16yo is not talking to us at all unless asked a question. Doesn't want to do anything. He's acking like a spoiled brat.

Why bend over backward for kids who don't wat to accociate with us as a family.

When the boys came I told them that I have MS. I still work full time. My husband is a minster and takes care od the house. We go out of our way to help any of my boys to excell in school. The three little ones do all that they can at home.

We never asked th older boys to change their last names.

They started life as welfare kids and now thats how they want to live.

My husband was starting seeds the other day. The 17yo said why are you doing that? That's womans work.

They don't act like normal teenages. My brother-in-law has a 17yo. His room is a mess. He leaves his radio on a little loud. That's normal. But he went looking for a job when he was 15.

My 16yo had a paper route. My husband did 1/2. They split the pay but my husband let him have all the tips.

Original Mike · #5 03-09-2005, 09:52 AM

When i read this post, I have to admit that I got a bit hot under the collar.

So your son is mad at you and not speaking to you? HELLO??? My son spent last week furious with me for being grounded because of grades. Not only did he not speak to me, he told me he hated me and that I was a Nazi. (Considering some of my European cousins died at the hands of the Nazis, that's a pretty low blow). Did I rise to his mouth? No, I just chock it up to being a teen. Not a pleasant aspect, but an aspect none the less.

I was REALLY fuming at referring to these boys as "welfare kids". Both of my boys spent their early lives as "welfare kids", as have most former foster kids. To hear an adoptive parent refer to their kids this way, frankly, disgusts me. I know that they're driving you bats, but WORDS HURT!! Ithink you let on just how you really see these boys.

Sorry, but I couldn't shut up any longer.

mike

lucyjoy · #6 03-09-2005, 10:08 AM

Having a teen you know loves you get angry and yell I hate you is so much different then having a child who says I hate you every minute of everyday and never gives any love back. I think unless you've lived with a child like that, you have no understanding of what it feels like. I have a child who has no conscience and feels no empathy-he's hard to parent on a consistant basis.

Anyone's words can be twisted to be negative. From the welfare kids statement-I heard a mom who has desperately tried to help her kids learn how to live in this world and take care of themselves. Yet they are content to sit back and let someone else pay their way forever. I hear hurt.

Lori-you are not alone and there are parents out there that understand that when you pour and pour into a kid and get nothing back, it's hard to keep pouring into them and sharing space with them can become a challenge. You have every right to feel hurt and used and angry.

This is suppose to be a place to share those feelings so they don't interfere with the parenting of very difficult children.

L-A-J-C-R-C · #7 03-09-2005, 10:16 AM

You know, when I first read your post I was thinking, typical teenage behaviors (I have 3 teenage sons), it's frustrating and aggravating at times but it's normal.

However, after your next post I am absolutely SHOCKED by your choice of words to refer to children YOU ADOPTED AND PROMISED TO LOVE FOREVER!!! Did you adopt them with the understanding that they would forever be indebted to you and your husband for rescuing them? Did you adopt them with the understanding that you will love them as long as they are good little robots and never step out of line or have an opinion?

My 16 y/o fs decided to not do any homework in one of his classes right after report cards. I checked his grades on line and found out. He lost his bedroom privileges, no tv, no laptop, no video games and no phone until next report card. Does he like it? Absolutely not! But I don't beat him down about it or hold it over his head. And I certainly don't want him to NOT live with us because of it.

Your dh helped your son with a paper route. That's what "normal" parents do with their kids, either that or they have the child do it himself. Most parents wouldn't take 1/2 the pay from them either but I DO understand why you would do that.

I'm sorry but it sounds to me like you adopted these kids and now regret it and don't see a way out. As parents of teens we all go through some very trying times with our kids, you learn to roll with the punches and help them to the best of your ability.

Michelle

lucyjoy · #8 03-09-2005, 10:51 AM

Expecting a child to learn to be a contributing member of a family and society does not translate to expecting them to be indebted to you. And if I did 1/2 my child's paper route, I would take half the money. Not because I need it, but because my child needs to learn how the working world functions.

Also, the child had poor grades and lost privledges. That's called good parenting where I'm from. No where in Lori's post did I see anyone holding it over his head. The child wanted out of the consequence and the parent told him he'd check the grade at the end of the week(once a week is all I check my children's grades).

I am saddened to see how little support and understanding there is for this mom. None of us live with her kids.

Lorraine123 · #9 03-09-2005, 11:25 AM

Lucy Joy -

Believe me, I understand totally about living with a child who fails to reciprocate love and respect. I also understand about feeling like you are at wits end. Although I have yet to look forward to the day when my child reaches adulthood and moves away, I can totally understand how that can happen. I also agree about the consequences of their behaviors.

With that being said, I have trouble with any parent calling their children "welfare kids". I feel that when we allow damaged children into our homes, we have to change our definition of success. These are not children who have lived with us all their lives. They have very different experiences to draw upon. We must accept that. I cannot expect my daughter to achieve the same level as my sons. She hasn't had the same background and she doesn't have the same abilities. Yes, I expect respect and I expect her to follow rules, but I expect it to the best of her abilities. I also realize that it will take much effort to get her to that point. She will not follow my rules simply because I tell her to. You must parent these children in a different way.

To bring older teenagers into the home and expect them to set a good example for younger children is an unattainable expectation. Given that expectation, these boys were doomed to fail.

Lori -
I apologize for not being supportive. My 17yo son doesn't have attachment issues, and living with him is difficult. I guess my first reaction was, "I wish it were only eating where he shouldn't and failing a quiz." Sorry, I didn't read between the lines.

Living with attachment disordered children is he!!. There's no other way to describe it. We have changed our lives and our household to accommodate.

Good luck to you. But realize these boys may never be what you are wanting. Accept them for the most they can be.

L-A-J-C-R-C · #10 03-09-2005, 01:43 PM

My feelings about the words this mother chose is that if she can come on here and say these things to us and she never met us, what in the world is she saying to these children?

Perhaps she has never parented a teen before, MOST of the behaviors she talks about and seems so angry that she can't wait for them to move out about ARE NORMAL teenage behaviors, whether your child has an attachment issue or not!

I said in my first post that I understood WHY her dh would take half the pay from the job. I also said I had gone through the same thing with my 16 y.o. fs and what consequences he has (and I'm NOT willing to check next Friday and let him out of them if he did okay for a week) - I think you're actually being too easy on him for not turning in homework but that's no reason to wish he was gone, do you think?

I guess I just look at things in a whole different way these days. I'm parenting a child that will probably never live to see 17, I've had a bad week with that realization coming back into my heart again for some reason, despite the fact that he continues to do well right now. I'm parenting a 16 y/o that has narcissistic personality traits, not to mention my 3 y/o and 2 y/o and their issues. I read so many posts on here that show what horrible backgrounds these children come from and it just struck a nerve that she is complaining about eating in a tv room to the extent that she's counting the months until he's gone. Believe me I TOTALLY understand being angry, furious, feeling helpless with your teenagers, I've BTDT, it is the way she described her children that fired me up.

Michelle

lucyjoy · #11 03-09-2005, 02:04 PM

When my son, who's still on trial eats in the living room, it infuriates me. Why? Because it's the attitude of He can do whatever he wants regardless of anyone else's rules or feelings.

When my respectful child eats in the living room it irritates me but not to the same extent.

When a kid says all day long-I hate you, can't wait to get out of here, your not my parent, I don't have to follow the rules here-I don't enjoy sharing space with them. And there are days when I'd like to show them where the door is.

I know their history is horrid, but they cannot use that as an excuse to do whatever they want. Sorry if that means I know nothing about teens. I currently have 6 and 2 grown and moved. I have a clue about what normal teens are and what disturbed teens are like. And while the descriptions may appear like normal teen behavior the way it's worded, having lived with kids who think the world owes them a living, there is a difference. Sorry if that offends people.

And, I say lots of stuff on online groups that I would not say to my children. It's a place to vent with other adults whose lives are more like mine.

Maybe my expectations are too high as well.

Late Bloomer · #12 03-09-2005, 06:28 PM

Loric0719 --

Sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed, and I can't blame you. How long have your boys been with you? I hope you know some folks who can help out, maybe by letting the children stay with them for a weekend... maybe someone from your husband's church? I can't imagine working full time, parenting 4 (or more?) children -- adopted or not -- and having MS all at the same time. Your husband is probably dealing with lots of other folks' problems too. Sounds like time for you and DH to do something nurturing for yourselves for a change, it might help the whole family.

LucyJoy --
I don't think your expectations are too high. I think you are one of the most amazing parents on these boards and the depth of your compassion -- for the kids in these situations but also for the parents of these kids as well -- sets such a good example for me. We parents (imperfect as we are) need that compassion and support to be able to keep on helping our kids, which is why these boards are so valuable. Especially newcomers who are first reaching out. Thanks for always keeping both sides in mind.

Loric0719 · #13 03-10-2005, 05:53 AM

"Having a teen you know loves you get angry and yell I hate you is so much different then having a child who says I hate you every minute of everyday and never gives any love back. I think unless you've lived with a child like that, you have no understanding of what it feels like. "

This is so true and what we are dealing with every day. Our 16yo wanted to have a party for his 16th birthday. We told im ok and he could invit 6 people. He threw a fit and we let him have 10. They were told if you complain about supper you be sent from the table with out any. He is very spoiled and how he got that way I'll never know. He has already told us when he's 18 his is going to live at the nighbors house in the basement. We asked him how will he be getting lunch money? What about health insurance? We let him have a hampster. I think its soon comming to an end since he doesn't clean its pen out.

They say we are not their parents over and over.

I used the term walfare kids because that is what they want to be. If they can get money with out working for it they would. My 16yo is not driving yet since he wont put any effort into looking for a job to pay for his insurance or a car. He won't go to a fast food because God forgive he'd have to touch food. Or clean up dishes. We get 1 night out of 3 or 4 when its his turn to clean up after supper and we even have a dishwasher.

My husband would make the kids eggs befor school. My 17yo thew away one of his two eggs since it just wasn't how he liked it and the 16yo who my husband made french toast for thew away 3 1/2 of 4 slices.

We'll see how today goes since he mad pancakes this morning.

I know you think I'm being hard or cold whith these boys but they put no effort into anything. We are not their parents since we're not blood. When they start to teach bad mannors to the younger kids we draw the line.

ingodshands · #14 03-10-2005, 06:21 AM

Sorry in advance also, but:

"When the boys came I told them that I have MS. I still work full time. My husband is a minster and takes care od the house. We go out of our way to help any of my boys to excell in school. The three little ones do all that they can at home."

It is not the boys fault that you have MS, or yours, or their fault that you work full time. Maybe you did not give enough thought to this BEFORE you took these boys in.

A lot of their behaviour IS typical teenage boys behaviour, I have two of them, and what you are telling us, is pretty much how a LOT of teens are, fostered/adopted or not fostered/adopted.

Your very last comment:

" We are not their parents since we're not blood."

Ouch, ouch, ouch....

And also the comment about "welfare kids".

I was once a welfare kid, and let me tell you it is not nice, and it is NOT the boys fault that they have been in welfare.

I agree bad manners have to be addressed, but you are judging these boys because they have been in welfare, and because they are not your blood.

I so hope the boys do not visit this site and see what you have wrote.

I apologise if you think I am being harsh.....but I am not sure that these boys should be allowed to be in your home. Just my opinion.

I feel so bad for these typical teenage boys, it is almost making me cry.

Collette

Loric0719 · #15 03-10-2005, 06:37 AM

Its the boys saing that we are not their parents! Thay we are not blood!

I only stated the fact that I have MS and still work fulltime.

Meaning I am still out there working. Not taking the easy way out.

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