[J.Ro]

Ok, this is a "mommie dearest" point for me......I just have zero patience when it comes to the nyeit, nyeit, nyeit, pick, pick, pick things my two kids do. (I also have found that since adopting these two, my patience with this kind of kid harping is diminishing in the classroom as well)

So my fellow parents......would love to hear everyone's ideas on how to handle these interactions in a positive way....looking for the win/win outcome here.

What do y'all do?

[tybeemarie]

I will impose a period of silence, if we're in the car. That helps set things on a new course. If we're home, and I'm being annoyed, I send them to their rooms for some quiet time. I can feel like Mommie Dearest at times, too.

[crick]

LOL! I'm hoping for a lot of posts here b/c my 4 kids bickering and tattletaling drives me NUTS!!!

One thing I've been doing lately is whoever is arguing over a toy/game gets to clean up the playroom together for 30 minutes. It was hard to implement due to even more crying & fighting at first, but now I can say "if you cannot settle the issue, you can clear it up while cleaning the playroom" and most of the time they work it out because they do NOT want to do that. And they do NOT want to be stuck in a room with their "enemy" either.

If it's a tattling thing though...nothing I'm doing is working! I tried having them pay me a penny for everytime they tattled unnecessarily but think they are too young to determine when it's tattling and when it's not. (5 year old saw 4 year old getting into dh's music equipment which is a "no touch" deal but didn't tell me b/c he didn't want to get in trouble for "tattling") Sigh....

I like the no silence idea in the car...hmmmmmm....(wheels churning in evil mom's mind...)

Crick

[Jensboys]

Ear Plugs???? Thats always an effective option

Also, separate time with each child is a great idea ... but I am sure you already do that.

Fairly clear boundaries of what is and isnt acceptable (might have to have a family meeting about that ... you can disagree like THIS but if you do it like THAT ... the consequence will be ...).

I always love the idea of when one is picking on the other they have to go write a one page letter about what they DO like about their sibling (and sometimes I allow an one liner about what is bothering them about their sibling right now). That works well because it refocuses their behavior.

Also, know its normal. My sister and I fought pretty much continuously from age 12 on through 16 ... My parents reinforced over and over with us that we were going to be each others best friends one day and that we had better learn to appreciate that fact. And it worked Today we ARE best friends (I am 30) even though I thought at times I HATED her at 14.

Jen

[J.Ro]

Ok, so the silence thing has sparked an idea. I'm a Montessori teacher and in our pre-school, they play the silence game. Everybody practices silence, not only with their voices, but with bodies as well, the outcome is to learn the unique qualities of stillness. Hadn't thought of it with my teenagers but it's worth a try.

I'm also glad to know that I'm not the only one being given fits by this. And yes, I know it's normal (for heaven's sake, I pushed my brother into a doorknob and cracked his tooth!...now I think he's the world's greatest man)

I'd thought of the money thing, but it seems like money is such a tool that if used with too much it will lose it's punch. I need to keep that one for chores I think.

I'm wondering about the magic bullet one-liner.....the calm, suave, Hestia type reply...you know Glenda the Good Witch and all that. Yeah right!!!!

[roxanna425]

I take a big deep breath and tell them whatever behavior makes me tired. It makes me too tired to vacuum, do the laundry and too tired to take them to McDonalds. So I assign the chores to them. Then I sit back and practice stillness. The longer they engage in whatever behavior the tireder I get. If it's REALLY bad I put them to bed early.

For the tattletaleing our yardstick is that if Ben will hurt himself if he continues to do X I want to know about it, otherwise it's tattleing and will make me TIRED.

[HappyMomAnna]

Sean and Tori were born to get under each other's skin.... Ohhhhh the stories I could share.... My adult children STILL bicker--daily--by way of Instant Messages which the SEND to me in long texts to SHOW my how the other is flawed--selfish--stupid--going to He!!--has a drinking problem--must be depressed--should be careful because might make a baby--is fat and wont go on a diet--is useing us for our money--is not going to finish university because they didn't do XYZ yet---and on and on..... I delete them now.

We just replaced the OLD VCR for the little ones so they can watch the collection of Disney tapes...the old own was ripped into two pieces during some WAR a few years back--All we saw as the parents was one child with hands on the unit the other with the cord playing tug-of-war on the staricase balconey in the moonlight....sigh....

This was how it was the moment they could speak to each other....surprisingly they do love each other more then it appears because every now and then you can see it.

The whole time they were growing up I heard more comments to me about how they argued with each other then anything else.... Oil and Water was the general phrase used...My kids have a family and community reputation of being very bickery and deabtive with each other....

In some ways it has made them better people. Finding what the each do best and not willing to let the other one do better has created a competitive monster of success... Which has only made them go farther and do better then I would imagine they might have done without each other....

BUT--life with them has NEVER been a pleasant expereince as a MOM....oya

A few things I did when they wee YOUNG:

1) Mom is not the referee....Unless there is Blood or Fire please do not involve me.

2)Odd/EVEN days.... I used the age they were--If one was 4 the other 5 then 4 was even, 5 was odd this way there was NOT a figh about WHO was odd and who was even...the change took place on the youngest birthday and it stayed this way for a year....
Odd days--Odd got to ride in the front seat of the car(not legal anymore) Odd got to PICK what was PICKABLE...ODD got to decide what story to read...what drink to have at dinnere and so on.... EVEN that day did the chores, and settled for being second all day....
On EVEN days the roles reversed....and on MONTHS where there were TWO ODD days in a ROW MOM got the picks on the sepcail day and the kids both did the chores...and picked me flowers and let me have a bubble bath!

3) "NO FAIR" CANDY BARS..... If child A said "No Fair" everyone else in the family gets a candy BAR....If Child A says "No Fair" again....everyone else in the family gets another Candy BAR.....It only takes a few days before NO ONE DARES say NO FAIR.... (Candy BAR FARMING resulted in groundings... and never happened.)

[Jen in PA]

Our six kids range in age from 5 to 10 so there is often someone bickering with someone. Like someone else posted, working together to complete a chore if I hear them bickering has worked pretty well. I try to present doing the particular chore together as a way to cooperate and work together and not as a punishment. If they bicker doing the chore, they get another, etc. I read about this in Family Fun magazine. I've also sent the two (or more!) bickering children to a certain room, explaining that they could argue in there and I didn't want them to come out until they were finished. I explain that I simply don't want to hear it. This works well, usually. Often the kids come out of the room getting along well.

For whatever reason, some days go so smoothly, with all of the children being kind to eachother. Other days, it seems that everyone woke up on the wrong side of the bed (like yesterday!). I did insist on silence in the car yesterday as I had simply had it with comments such as: "She looked at me like this, Mom!!" and "He said my baby doll is dumb!!"

Good luck

[ll_bay]

I have found the imposed silence thing really works for my girls (ages 5 and 8). They know the ground rules and when Mommy says "Last warning!" (and there are no earlier warnings now, though there used to be as we phased this in) then, if it continues, "Stop!" they know exactly what I mean. Sometimes we even do "separate rooms, no talking," but haven't needed that much anymore. And for tattling, I usually ask "is anyone injured?" If no, then I say I'm busy and not available for that sort of thing just now. Invariably it goes away, with few exceptions. I've also found using some of the strategies in "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen..." to be very helpful in teaching them to work out their own differences without my intervention.
I am going to enjoy this thread, however, because even with all my strategies these two can still snipe at each other with the best of them, and I can use all the help I can get!

[Barksum]

When our kids bicker, there are often dire consequences, so I think it is lessening a little. If the children bicker over who's toy it really is, or over which fork they get ( like it matters...) then I just confiscate the item in dispute. I've let the kids know that having harmony in the family is more important than the item they are fighting over. Bickering is disrespectful of everyone within earshot, immature, annoys Mom and is a Bad Habit.

As to tattling we've maintained the same rule so many have mentioned: if someone is doing something dangerous or someone is hurt then it is ok to let mom know. Anything else is tattling, annoys Mom, and is a Bad Habit. (Just FYI, Mom doesn't tolerate annoying things well. So many things annoy Mom, and are thus deemed Bad Habits. My poor children have to suffer under my lack of toleration for irritation.)

Recently we have been discussing habits, both good and bad. Everyone has good and bad habits. We've made efforts to identify the enemy and to recognize and praise the allies. We also talk about building good habits in place of bad. For some reason this has tickled their fancy and they try harder.

There is also the Bean Jar. Don't have this in practise right now, but it does seem to be effective for some children. Place several beans/whatevers (20 or more) in a jar. For every praiseworthy deed the child gets another bean/whatever. For every dastardly deed the child loses a bean/whatever. Beans may be saved up toward rewards, what ever your family deems as a treat worth working toward.

My big objection to this is that I'd have to keep track while we were out of the house so that we could do the addition/subtraction of beans when we got home. I don't know if I'd be able to do that while walking and chewing gum. Maybe one of those hand held counters or something. LOL

[Shelley]

Although terribly annoying, irritating and sometimes the catalyst that pushes me over the edge, that sends everyone scurrying for cover, bickering is normal. It's the way that children learn to communicate with each other. It's how they learn what is acceptable and unacceptable as far as communication is concerned. Yes we need to guide them and let them know that it's not ok to call your brother "A big fat poo poo head", we need to remember that they are learning. How many arguments did we as children have with siblings? I had 3 sibs and my 2 older brothers drove me INSANE, and I'm sure we drove my mother insane, but as far as I know, none of us, as adults, go around arguing with other adults calling them Big fat poo poo heads without provocation. When we become moms we don't think part or our job description is referee, but it is. So keep doing what works to diminish the bickering, try new things and remember it's part of growing up. They really aren't trying to drive us insane, though sometimes it feels like it is. And if all else fails I think Jensboys mentioned something about earplugs. :-) Shelley Mom to 5

[kamamsm]

I tell my two that I'm going to to make them hold hands for an hour-- that always does the trick.

[mina2u]

Have the two guilty parties sit together in a love seat (nice and close). They have to sit on the love seat until they have resolved the conflict. They learn pretty fast to get over it and get on with it.

Another thing you could try for bickering...my sister tied a string around two of her childrens ankles when they just could not get along. Anywhere one went the other had to go. If one of them had chores to do, the other had to go along and help. They had to learn to co-operate pretty quickly. The bickering did not last very long.

[Colorbind love]

I never had to deal with it until the oldest came home and A and E started into each other almost immediately. I finally implemented the sitting rule. If they can't stop bickering, then they have to sit on my bed, facing each other and holding hands until they are ready to get along. LOL, haven't had to use it in months.

Our current problem is that E has decided to mother all 3 of her siblings. She's driving everyone batty. But, rather than bickering with her, her brothers mostly ignore her at this point.