[QCSherbear]

I want to thank you all for your help and support.

Yesterday we had our homestudy meeting. Everything seemed fine and I thought it went quite well. However as we were leaving, not even out of the agency's parking lot, Mike dropped the bomb on me. He has decided that he does NOT want to adopt anymore. He does not want to deal with the issues and challanges. That he is being selfish and just wants to finish raising our children and be able to come and go as we please.

Never mind that we have been going through this for a year, never mind that we lost our baby in April 04', never mind what we have been talking about and working on, never mind what we have been planning. Never mind what would make me happy.

Gone is all my hopes and dreams. I just feel so empty. I love being a mom. I am good at it. I love my children. I wanted so badly to adopt a child and give that child a life that it other wise wouldn't have had.

I do not know what to do. The pain in my heart hurts so bad. I can not stop crying. I just have had my hopes up and now they have been taken away.

I do not understand. Mike was all for this, it was something we have talked about for years. He and I have talked to great lengths about this and worked so hard to get to this point.

I just do not understand. I feel like my insides have been ripped out and I have no where to turn.

He refuses to change his mind. He said that I will just need to find a way to deal with this. HOW???

I really hate life and everything about it right now. I just keep getting punished over and over again. What in this life time did I do to deserve this? Why do I keep getting knocked down. I am to tired to pick myself back up.

Sherry

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

{{{Sherry}}}

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. Maybe it's just having his grandmother pass away on Saturday and him unable to think clearly. Gosh, I just don't know what else to say but wanted to pass along the hug.

Try to stay strong.

Michelle

[Dianna]

I am so sorry to hear about this huge disappointment. It is very hard being married and finding a singleness of purpose when it comes to life changing decisions. My husband was the "reluctant spouse" in our adoptions. The first one went well, the second one didn't and he never wanted to adopt again. He had good reasons for this but I still had it in my heart to adopt again.

I felt very bad that he didn't care about my happiness. I felt torn and conflicted because I couldn't have it my way. I had 2 kids and was committed to the relationship. And it is not possible to adopt without the consent of a spouse.

I had to let go of my self-will, but I always knew in my heart that God meant for us to bring another child into our home. I carried my sorrow for a couple of years. I told dh that God was in charge, not him. I did not give up on what I believed was God's will and knew that somehow it would come to be.

Sure enough, after about 3 years, (and not in my time) I saw a child by chance in a waiting child binder in my daughter's therapist's office. Our son was in there. We did not have a homestudy or a worker at the time so I emailed the county. During my long and difficult wait, I had made a webpage about our family and a resume. They wanted to see our stuff. I then prayed and presented the possibility to dh. He said maybe, and then yes. He chose hope.

We somehow managed to get a homestudy and foster license, the county chose us for this child and the rest has been joy. This is indeed a child who was given to us by God because the odds were stacked against us. So have hope my friend. You never know what the future may bring. Best wishes, Dianna

[ACmom]

Oh Sherry, My heart goes out to you! I know how you feel. My dh told me recently that the only reason he agreed to adopt again was because he knew it meant a lot to me, not because he wanted it too. He has not bonded with our second daughter and has resentment that she is such high maintenance. I got myself a great therapist and finally convinced him to go with me. We are working through it but it is hard. I would have loved to adopt again but that won't happen! Dh has 2 grown children and he felt that was enough but never really verbalized it. I am sure it was very hard for Mike to tell you his honest feelings. Please try counselling for both of you. It is so important to maintain your strong relationship and this is a big strain. Good luck and be good to yourself!!

[DianeS]

I second ACmom - counseling! A good therapist will help you work through this. At the very least you need better, more open communication about this and why he didn't tell you before and why he didn't tell the social worker. That alone should help you. If one or the other of you can change your minds during it because you better understand the other, it would be a wonderful bonus.

That said, it's fairly common for people to drop out of the process to adopt a special-needs child. Especially if he's lately been faced with the possibility of certain issues, or "how would you deal with..." questions. It probably doesn't help you, but it's common.

I'm in a similar boat. We weren't into the homestudy when my husband bailed, but we were into the classes. Telling people we had stopped the process was HARD. But I wasn't questioned about it - I hope hearing that helps you. The workers are accustomed to people dropping out, and didn't make me feel bad or guilty. After all, it wasn't MY choice!!!

It's been about 2 years now since my husband started resisting and then completely quit. He's more open to the idea now, and has actually brought up the subject himself occasionally.

Not beating him over the head with it was hard, especially at first.

But I have been able to spend the time learning more - hanging out on this bulletin board (and others), reading everything I can get my hands on, compiling a list of possible resources should I end up over my head. They'll be valuable if/when we get back into the process.

I'm still optimistic, it's a basic personality trait of mine. If it's supposed to happen, it'll happen someday. And if its not supposed to happen, I'll eventually be OK with that. (Note: I'm NOT OK with it right now, and I couldn't have typed those words two years ago. Not even close to them.)

But time changes your perspective, and maybe it will change his.

I hope this helps you somehow. The blow is incredibly hard to take - why does he get HIS plan and I don't get MINE?!?! (Right?)

Really, counseling will help. It'll keep you from smacking him, if nothing else! See if you can find a good marriage disagreement therapist in your area, and start going. You can always quit later if you don't make progress with her.

{{HUGS}} and good luck!

[dadfor2]

hi,

im very sorry..i agree that maybe in a week, let things settle down, and see if he would interested in going to counseling with you.

it sounds like he is just not feeling it...getting cold feet, and looking at this as alot of work and maybe getting nervous. (normal responce)

id give him some more time then approach it again.

He just lost his grandmother, not sure how close they were, but with wakes, funerals, telephone calls to family...its alot...he might just be not ready now...

im very sorry though....when it rains it pours, doesnt it...

give him time and see what happens...keep us updated

[kay]

Sherry,

Sending sympathy - but don't give up the ship just yet! I agree with those who recommended counseling, and also those who pointed out that your husband's got a lot on his plate, emotionally, right now.

I also wanted to share my experience - many years ago (possibly 20!) I was really sure I wanted to adopt, and went through about 90% of the homestudy process, then stalled. I was heartbroken when the County closed my file. But then, many years later, I started up again - different agency, different county - and completed the process. Even then it wasn't smooth sailing; my first placement failed, and it was a long time before I was ready to try again. All that was emotionally exhausting at the time - but you know, my son has been home with me for almost 5 years now, and I can't imagine a better outcome. While I sometimes mourn the phantom child that didn't come home when I was so much younger, and I still worry/wonder about the child that I couldn't help, my son is just wonderful, and I really feel that in some way, he was meant for me, and I was meant for him. I know this is virtually impossible to do, but be patient with yourself, and with your husband, and with the process. Best wishes to you and your family - I know this is a tough time.

[QCSherbear]

Thank you to all of you. You are the best support in the world.

Well, where do I start. Mike and I have been talking. I have been in touch with our social worker. We are keeping our scheduled appointment on Tuesday at 3:30. We are going to spend this meeting talking about our fears and issues. I know that it may still turn out that we will not adopt, but in the same token, we still may adopt. It is still unresolved.

Mike said he does want to but he is afraid that what if the child is more than we can handle? What if we can not handle it, he doesn't want to cause more harm to the child if we end up disrupting this child. I do understand him.

I know that these children have big issues and most of them are severe, as the worker says. She also says that none of them are mild. That is what scared Mike, he was hoping for a child with mild issues. Has anyone heard of a child with mild issues? Are they really that rare to find?

Thanks for all of your support. I am sure you all will be hearing from me looking for more advice before Tuesday.

Sherry

[Indy]

I remember the days when I was starting out the process. I remember the scary classes and the things that we learned about children in foster care.

If you PM me, I will send you my personal email address. I would also be open to talking directly with Mike on adoption from the "guy's side". If I can do it...others can too.

Take care.

[ACmom]

You always have a choice! Our first adoption was a one yr old who had been in foster since birth. Although she has a lot of baggage (genetics) she has been wonderful. She has problems but every single child out there has ups and downs. We were given the information on her so we knew all about her. Honestly, she is a spirited child and we are always on our toes. Our second daughter has a lot of special needs and I have read every book on attachment! It really depends on where the child has been and how they fit in with you. I was intimidated by all the talk of RAD and horror stories but I educated myself. It really helped to be informed before we were matched. Keep talking and communicating and everything will work out fine! It definitely is a scary process but when my 5 yr old told me yesterday that I was "the best mom in the world" it made it all worth it!! Keep us posted!

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

You know Sherry, that social worker is being WAY TOO NEGATIVE!!! Now, it is true that a lot of the kids in care have problems and, yes, some of them are severe but, in my experience, more are mild than severe! How can they not have some issues, after all they are being taken from their families and told this is your new family, probably after at least 2 years in foster care (and more than one home during that time).

I believe she should be pointing out that SOME or even A LOT of the kids come with issues but I don't believe she should be making them sound like every child in foster care has issues that are extremely difficult! My God, I have had 9 foster kids in 2 yrs. and only 1 has had issues that are what I would call severe and we're in the process of adopting him! The others had to get use to us and trust us. Our son that's 2 has some milk allergies and his sister MAY have RAD (we're not sure and she seems to be making great progress). This is the worst we've had to deal with.

On one hand I like that she's pointing out that side of some of the foster kids available for adoption, however, I think she's really going WAY OVERBOARD on her description, especially to include ALL foster kids. The truth of the matter is, if you are match with a child or sibling group you will be given their complete file to review and there a couple of opportunities to say no before the child/children even know you're thinking about them.

Best of luck to you. I'm sure things will work out as they are supposed to.

Michelle

[Happy]

I have adopted twice. Both children are what you would call mild. My son we adopted at age 11. He is now 13 and a great kid. We've had very few issues with him and they were so easy, really, compared to what some folks are going through. And our daughter is 3. We will be finalizing on her next month if all goes well with the paper work. She is an absolutely normal 3 year old and a real joy. Our kids are not perfect, but then neither are any of our 4 birth kids!
I just wanted to let you know that there ARE easy kids out there. More than your social worker cares to admit.There are also some really sad, hurt children that require a kind of parenting that I am just not up to right now. The key is just to be VERY clear with your social workers about what issues you will accept and what you won't or can't. Then be VERY thorough in your reading of profiles and files. Don't take anyone's word on anything. Be prepared and strong enough to say NO when a child's issues seem too severe. Trust your gut instincts when they tell you a child is not a good fit for your family. Be prepared to wait a long time if necessary before the right child comes along. We waited about 2 years for our son and another year and a half for our little girl. We feel we got lucky (little girls with no sexualized behavior are a rare find). But we also know that we make our own luck by doing a realistic analysis of our skills as parents and the lifestyle we want to live and firmly sticking to our guns.
This does not have to turn your life upside down. It can, but it does not have to.
Good luck.
Happy

[leenab]

Hang in there Sherry. I think most couples go through this. My Dh lost his father in October and had his mini 30yr crisis. He really wasn't quite sure what to do. It's a real shock and made him re-evaluate his whole life, which took a few months. And it happened at the point where we were fostering a little 2 yr old girl and in the process of house hunting. At the same time we were told about a 2 yr old girl who was available for adoption. She sounded like she'd fit into our family. I said yes and DH said no more kids. Well, months later he is now SET on having a daughter and really wants to give back and adopt again. But he needed his own time to come to this decision.

I know he talked to some guy friends at work who have lost parents and it helped.

Give him some time,
LeenaB

[QCSherbear]

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you.

You all are so brave and strong.

My hubby has real fears and I understand better the more we talk. Although we may not adopt still, there is a small chance that we will. I will know more on Tuesday.

Indy dad, I will ask my hubby if he would like to talk to you. I really think that you could do a lot of good for him. He is not a computer person, so I would have to walk him through it. He is not here at the moment. BUT I will tell him that you are a dad and that you two can talk. He can ask you advice as you have plenty of it.

I better be going.

I will let you all know what happens on Tuesday. Please keep all your fingers crossed for me.

Sherry

[ACmom]

The best of luck to you, Sherry! Tuesday will be very important for you. It would be great if your dh would talk to Indy to get that perspective. Remember that if and when you are presented with a child's profile, you have the option to say yes or no. Being a parent is hard work no matter what but I think there are definitely children in the system that are NOT going to be overwhelming for you. I really believe that! My fingers are crossed and I can't wait to hear how it goes!