[HappyMomAnna]

This is a new chapter to the thread "Our RAD Journal" which can be found at this link:

Our RAD Journal

Makala started Day Treatment last week and we are completely thrilled with EVERYTHING! Our first day was a simply two hour meeting with the staff so she could meet the teachers she will have for the next 18-24 months. Right off the bat our beautiful little girl displayed herself and some of our deepest concerns with sexualized behaviors. The treatment center knew these were the most serious concerns we have so her TEAM consists of four men and one woman.

Every week one or both parents are asked to 'put in' two hours. One hour with the Case Manager and another hour in a therapy session with Makala. (GREAT )

EVERY DAY a written note is sent home with any issues the staff has seen and we are to write the events of the evening this way we can all get on the same page and be consistant in our expectations and consequences.

The first note home said--M is not having a honeymoon! And in oneday they picked up on the EXACT issues we have the most trouble with...PUSHING any and all boundries....

The school district is responsiile for transportation and this started today. The district decided that due to the bus problems they would contract the transportation to an outside company so Makala gets to ride to school in a car and not the "little Bus" which apparebntly even first graders know is NOT the bus you want to ride...so she can save face and no one will see her on the 'little bus' I was initially not comfortable with this set up because a man called to tell me he would be my daughters 'Driver" and I wondered about how he got his job....But I talked with the company and the driver and feel it is as safe as possible....

The driver is a father of three children and has been driving special needs kids for over ten years. He informed me of HIS rules and that he would communicate with me about any porblems.

Of course today after he brought her home he called me and let me know that she had in fact tested him today. He had a news paper and the living section had a big write up about the National Ice Skating championships happening in our city this week...She asked to look at it because on Saturday she and I will be seeing the womans FRee style competetion and Michael Kawon (sp?). Apparently Makala tried to slip the newpaper into her back pack..... He took it away and told her she will NEVER find anything in his car that she can have....that he is not allowed to give her anything.... she didn't like it but he set the rule.

She seems to be having a time of REALITY HITTING her between the eyes.... She asked last week why she cannot be in a class with just one teacher---I told her that she needs someone to watch her all the time and one teacher can't do that....

She has also mentioned that all the kids have problems...I was honest and told her that is true all the kids in this school do have some problems they need to work on just like she does....but that everyone has their own things to work on.

In a strange way I feel that she feels better about this environment. Last night she said that she kinda likes it because she knows that if someone is watching her she might not make a bad choice.... In the past she has said things like, "if no one sees me be naughty then I can't get into trouble..."

Her case manager was a foster child at one point in his life and he worked for several years with child services in another state. Of the 12 children in the day treatment program at this time 8 are adopted children.

We are also moving her psych treatment to the day treatment shrink so we can have consistancy and are finding this to be a good choice as well. M's current shrink is convienced she is ADHD and Bipolor and the new doctor is going to run the neurological tests that can confirm the ADHD or rule it out--which the other doctor has never even mentioned. No meds have been changed but, they are going to really do all the testing instead of just guessing and drugging and waiting to see... Which honestly after our last appointment with the other doctor seems like a good idea...

The current shrink saw her last week and I mentioned that I was happy with the day treatment... The doctor was asking if M was droggy in the morning and I told him that sometimes it is hard to get her up and out for school...The day treatment center told me if she will not get dressed to put her things in a bag and send her to school they will deal with it...The shrink said "We do not want to hurt her feelings....she has a sickness and we don't want to humiliate her...so maybe you can put her to bed at night dressed for school" HUH? Then he went on to tell me that I could wake her up a half hour early and slip her some Meth (one of her quick acting ritialins) and maybe she will be able to get going!!! Sorry but I have a hard timne slipping my kid Meth to get her to school!!! And I thought we were giving her ritilan to slow her world down a bit so she could focus?

I think the idea of dressing for school before bed and giving her some Meth in the morning lost him a client...

Anyway as we go forward I am hopeful that the issues will start to work out and that we can give Makala a consistant message with consistant consequences and expectations both at home and school.... I am thankful we have this in our community and believe in my heart this has been the right choice.

Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive to us in all of this.

[Jensboys]

I was anxious to hear how things were going. Thanks for the update.

Jen

[JenWen]

That is great news, Anna!! Thanks so much for sharing your ongoing story. I am pulling for both of you. It sounds like exactly what she needs!

Jen

[Cobb]

Anna, I'm glad to hear that you feel good about chosing this direction. I am hopeful that in time, this will prove to be a turning point in your journey...

Please keep us informed! We all care about how you and your family are doing.

((((HUGS))))

[spaypets]

Anna, I'm so glad to hear that you're happy with the program.

We are also moving her psych treatment to the day treatment shrink so we can have consistancy and are finding this to be a good choice as well. M's current shrink is convienced she is ADHD and Bipolor and the new doctor is going to run the neurological tests that can confirm the ADHD or rule it out--which the other doctor has never even mentioned.

This makes me crazy! We wouldn't treat a kid for diabetes unless test confirmed it. If there are tests why don't they run them instead of putting kids on these powerful drugs on a hunch?

[lucyjoy]

Testing a kid with RAD for ADHD before dealing with the RAD never makes sense. 8 of my kids were originally diagnosed ADHD and only 2 actually are.

I hope with everyone working together that it will be just what your daughter and your family needs. Glad to hear things are falling into place.

[kay]

Anna,

I'm so glad to hear things are looking up. There's still a long road ahead, but what a relief to now be part of a "treatment team", where everyone is on the same page! Continued prayers . . .

[HappyMomAnna]

I guess I need to make it clear since this is a new thread that Makala has had intensive therapy for the RAD which from every indication seems to have lead to a rather secure attachment with her family. However we have are continuing many of the activities and will still see the attachment therapist now and then because I have decided to see this therapist on my own as a patient because I simply like her very much and feel she is one of us by her life history and education. This way I feel like I can continue to monitor my own feelings about what is going on and still have access to the Attachment Therapists if I get advice that does not hit true from other sources. It took us forever to find her and we discovered in our search for an attachment therapist that the Fisrt class of certified attachment therapist only become certified this past June--and that is how I found the therapist. When she let me know that she is also able to treat adults and our insurance pays her 90% I decided to become her patient. Lord knows it is wonderful to have the face to face with someone who really understands all the dynamics.... And while I feel the attachment is going well with both Makala and Jeremiah I am still not comfortable with completely cutting my ties with the only certified therapist I can find in our area.... I am willing to pay my $25.00 co-pay and the 10% insurance does not cover in order to keep my connection to this therapist.... It could be true that we are seeing some healthy indications of attachment but with all the other issues that Makala has I want to be sure that Attachment is still an important factor in any therapy we do have. So this seems to be a good way to go with our family.

I have spent a number of years in therapy for myself and believe it can be very helpfull when a family is under stress. My own life history includes a number of issues that are not too different from some of Makala's issues as far as abuse and sexual abuse and I want to be very sure that I do not apply my own feelings to her in certain areas. I think that having a realtionship with the Attachment Therapist is helpful for me to seperate the feelings I have from the issues and letting Makala bloom without me putting my feelings into her life... Hope that makes some sense?

Originally I liked the psychratrist (sp?) But confess that the last two visits have been a disappointment and that I am seeing him as a drug pusher rather then concerned with the over all issues. The Attachment Therapist had also recomended that Makala have some neurological testing but the shrink has never mentioned it. Dr. Phil had a show a few weeks ago about ADHD and there was a great deal of evediance that the neuro testing can confirm ADHD.... So I feel pretty confident that this is the best way to move forward. Both the Knidergarten and First grade teachers M had felt she did not act like an ADHD child in thier classrooms....and honestly on this issue I do give the teachers some credit in telling the difference because I am sure they have dealt with more ADHD kids on a day to day basis then most people.... The fact that both of these teachers were surprised and didn't agree with ADHD as an issue leads me to think that the shrink is simply viewing the behaviors as ADHD instead of emotional damage or the RAD behaviors. He seems to be seeing the RAD behaviors as Bi-polar as well and I have lost confidence in his Dx.

Yesterday was our two year Gottch day.... (we did not celebrate) and I am feeling very good about attachment knowing that another year we may have a really great bond with each other... I am feeling like this is going to be the year that things start to settle in and feel like normal to everyone. I think the Attachment work we have done is wonderful and that Makala is ready to start working on the HURT that is inside of her... I think that a number of her behaviors are partly habit now and that with the help from the consistancy of the day treatment we can all work together on retraining and teaching her some new skills to get what she wants in a more postitive manner. She appears to have some rather passive agressive attitudes and is still minipulating but I am feeling that is because this is her best developed survival skill.
Right now I am working on helping her express what she wants or needs in a positive way rather then the way she has been.

For example: The other day she saw something that she wanted and she expressed it by saying, "I am not going to ask you for that because I know you will say no..." I told her that I will say no if that is how she wants to ask for it....and that if she tries to just say, "I really would like that mommy can I please have it?" that mommy is more likely to hear what she wants and might acutally say yes if she tries to ask in a nice way.

It seems to be a pattern for her to ask for her needs in a negative way. Often instead of asking she simply says..."I wish I could...." Or "Why does Jeremiah get what he wants and I don't get..." What she does not understand is that I am reactive to the negaitive requests. Sean and Tori's dad was this way and I never knew have to please him after 14 years of having a RAD husband I learned to really hate the passive aggressive way to get what he wanted and confess that I have developed my own skill of fighting this game. Just say what you want with a please and a Thank you.... We do not need to play games to have our needs and desires met! This is another reason I want to keep seeing the A Therapists because I know I have already been conditioned to deal with RAD behaviors and I have developed some of my own conter-productive attitudes about certian things that are very sublte and sometimes difficult to identify. There simply is no doubt in my mind that my first husband was RAD and still is and looking at his life today I can still see that his RAD is the reason he is a miserable unhappy and abusive person who cannot form healthy relationships at all.... Even Sean and Tori have picked up on some of the same behaviors they see in their father and Makala and they both have been affected by their fathers untreated RAD.... It is interesting when they come to me and tell me something that has hit them as simular in the tactics and behaviors of a person with RAD. They have often felt like they were possessions of their father instead of individual people with a unique realtionship. There are days I am really sad that as a wife I never knew about RAD and was not able to help him heal.... I would have liked my children to have a healthy realtionship with their father instead of the realationship he is able to give them. Knowing how an untreated adult with RAD can ruin their entire lives is one of the biggest motivations I have to help Makala I do not want her to carry this into her future and with her mate and children it is simply too painful for everyone involved and I want happy grandchildren!

Anyway tomorrow will be my first 2-hour time at the Day Treatment center and I cannot wait! If only Birthday month could be over and we didn't have three more B-Day parties before the end of the month I would be happy---Oh well! We are considering a huge family vacation next year during B-Day month and a long get away because this Chirstmas and B-day stuff all jammed into 30 days stinks to high heaven! How much partying can one family indure in 30-days? We have a reason to party for 6-weeks in a row! YIKES! And what on earth do you give someone who has been Christmassed half to death when their birthday is in January????? Goodness I don't think the kids have even played with everything they got for the holidays yet!!!

[dadfor2]

keep us posted anna....sounds great and promising!!!!

dadfor2

[lucyjoy]

this is off topic-but my soon to be 8 year old can't think of anything but batteries that he wants for his bday this month(and would be perectly happy to get only that).

I have also found my childrens attachment therapist to be a valuable resource to help me learn to seperate my issues from my child's pathological thinking and to aid me in responding in a healing manner. Glad your getting support.

[dadfor2]

sometimes dont you just wish there wernt such things as birthdays, gotcha days, hollidays, other kids bday parties, family gatherings, ...etc.

give me one year of nothing..no changes in structure and routine....and i wonder if then we can feel like we are really moving forward..

it seems to never end.....

anna, is this shrink from the new school...the drug pusher?..

dadfor2

[HappyMomAnna]

First to answer some questions:
Dadfor2--the drug pushing shrink is the one we found this past summer--we hope to have Makala see the school shrink soon...

LucyJoy--Off Topic:People who have birthdays in January often want or ask for the strangest things! I personally would LOVE battries or accessories to the gifts I collected at the holidays and have been known to ask for very unusual things......

Now for the Update:

I had my two hour time at the day treatment on Wednesday and WOW am I thrilled with EVERYTHING I see about this program!

1--First off I was shown how to do the same 'safe-holds' they use at the treatment center and personally found them better then the way I was shown at training with DHS--Maybe I didn't learn well at DHS but the day treatment center showed me some methods I found much better for me especially with my back injury.

2--Time out's--I was able to watch and see HOW time outs look at the treatment center and can now make a few adjustments to mine at home.
a--I was expecting her to stand (basically the old put your nose in the corner way I had as a child) Where as the treatment center is only expecting the children to 'stay' on a mat and they are not rigid about what the time out LOOKS like--where as I was demanding silence and stillness...

b--They are not useing the min for a year rule and re-startiong the time out if the child adhears but then 'falls-out' instead they feel if the kid at least gets under control and then falls out progress has been made.

c--They are going to the child DRING the time out and sit with the child and talk about what is going on--I usually talk to the child from a distance during time out and wait until it is over for a hug and conversation.

d--when the time out is over the whole issue is over and I tend to wait for the bell and do a finish up talk and hug....

I am adjusting my attitude about time out and following what I am seeing by lessoning my expectations--not barking the whole time she is in time out and restarting if she 'falls out' and making certain the whole thing is over when the bell rings--hug and done.

3--I have been able to learn some language I didn't have before--for example with the arguing... I am the one who was going to get the 'last word' come He!! or highwater and made sure I did everytime even if I lost my voice trying.... Now I can say some things I heard the staff say: Arguing will not change anything... and say it only twice and then bite my tounge and say NOTHING ELSE (anyone who prays please stick a word in for me being able to do this!)

4--I have been helped in dealing with the meal time issues we have at home and the methods they use at school---Healthy food first and then treats. In her sack lunches everyday we are supposed to number the food in order of what we think the kid needs to eat first. The staff will insist that the food marked #1 are eaten and the rest is in order given...if she does not eat her fruit she maynot eat the treat item... Same thing at home and apparently I am not Mommie Dearest for re-heating a cold dinner if my child demands to eat an hour after refusing dinner!

Speaking of Joan Crawford and Mommy Dearest--I want to re-read this Book! Has anyone else ever considered that perhaps Christina had RAD? I keep rememebering the, "No wire Hangers" fight especially when I am dealing with a stupid power struggle and planning to win--once in awhile I walk away thinking No Woire Hangers how may freaking times do I have to tell you this..... I ordered the book and cannot wait to read it from this side of the thinking--I think it could be a masterpiece of the issues RAD children have written by a child who grew up!

Anyway---so far so good. I am loving the communication and the fact that even the driver is letting me know EVERYTHING that I might need to know and for once it seems that Makala is not out in the world doing as she pleases....

[JenWen]

I'm so glad you found that program! What a huge sucess story -- not only is she learning, but they are teaching you too! Best of both worlds!!

Thanks for the updates!!

Jen

[HappyMomAnna]

Well I can only say that I hope it is a great sign that things are really rough right now?

Tuesday Makala came home from School and let me know that she is perfect--has no problems and is the leader in her class because she is helping other children work on thier problems....And that she will most likely graduate really soon because she is the only one without problems..... I liked the sound of that

..........and then Yesterday was my meeting day.

First of all they have hired an additional Intern to shadow Makala all day as the Male staff are ALL not confortable even sitting in the corner of the big room alone with her....

Apparently M gets hurt in private areas and asks for the men to help her....her elbows, feet, and hands have a tendancy to place themselves in places they should not go on other persons bodies...

Tuesday at the end of the day she was found whispering in a little boys ear--that they should sneek away and kiss each other...

She apparently only can speak in two ways--Like a little baby or like a mean and nasty person...

She apparently will NOT participate in Group because she does not have any problems to talk about.

After she got home yesterday she was great for an hour and well then the RAGE started.... And didn't stop for three hours. By the time I got the unburned dinner on the table I had heard every hateful word a person is able to even think of....and then some....When daddy came in the door she charged him and attempted to hurt him...then she went for her brother...who then lost it and bit daddy...and had his time out...

As she laid on the floor screaming I hate you and You cannot make me do anything...I walked up the stairs with all the black trash bags...and scooped up everything in her room--EVERYTHING--including her shelf decorations... and tied all 14 bags up and put them in her closet....

NOW I do not have to MAKE her clean up HALF her room in order to go to Chruch--which she didn't go too... She was NOT beign SAFE enough to go to church...

I am mean--but, she has the things that are in the play room and one teddy bear...when she asked me what she was going to do now when she has to go to her room--I told her THINK and without the things getting in her way--maybe she can do a better job of it.

Clearly she will not graduate soon....

[spaypets]

((ANNA))
You're doing great! Interesting that M. already knows that it's better not to have problems then to have them.