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Hi. I found this board a couple months ago, just after completing parenting classes and our first home study visit, during the time we were waiting for our fingerprint clearance to be approved for older child adoption. I was desperate at that time time talk to SOMEONE who had a successful older child adoption. I've been "lurking" since then - and feeling guilty about it. This may be long and I apologize...

My husband and I (no kids up until now) have been approved for adoption (since last week) and have started "visitation" with an almost-12-year-old boy who we are very interested in adopting. I met him two days ago, my husband met him yesterday, he's been to our home last evening (we have a house full of dogs so were nervous about that) and so far everything seems to be going well. Everybody (his adoption specialist, our licensing social worker, his GAL, his foster mother, etc.) has only good things to say about him and he seems like a sweet, gentle, outgoing, talkative, friendly, smart, comfortable child and we like him a lot so far.

We acknowledge that we may be experiencing a "honeymoon phase" which we learned about in parenting class. Is there any way to know? Is there anything we should be looking for?

He has been in only one foster home with only one foster mother(non-relative placement who became licensed only for him) for about 3 years. We know about his birth parents, why rights were terminated, and have plans to go in and read his file soon. Any suggestions or advice from those who've been where we are? NONE of my friends/acquaintances have ever done anything like this so we're really out in the cold except for the DCF people we've dealt with. This has moved really fast for us and quite smoothly - we made our first official inquiry in January, started the process in February, and here we are.

I'm appreciative of any advice/comments. thanks!

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Read the profile carefully and thoroughly. It is a good sign that he has had only one foster placement. But you still need to go over the background information carefully. Be sure to find out about his likes and dislikes and what his track record is like in school. This doesn't mean you would not adopt him for this reason, but you want to know as much as possible. Also, find out how he has been disciplined in the past and how he responded to it. Then pray alot and take the plunge. Good Luck. (Oh, the honeymoon period is REAL and should be expected, but it passes, acting out starts, and it passes too.)

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Originally Posted By Pam

See if you can talk to his foster parents. We got our 11 yr. old son on Dec. 21st and his detailed profile was that of a docile, compliant, shy, very obedient child who never speaks up for himself. THe social workers verified this in their dealings with him. When he visited us, it went very well. He was perfect. The thing is, that profile wasn't what he was like at all and, after the honeymoon, he changed. He started picking on my younger kids first, then not listening to me so I called his old foster mom and talked to her. She said that, yes, he does these things and has we would have to be very strict with him. She also said he lies and steals, although he has not stolen here yet. She gave us really good advice on how to discipline him and what to expect and it was the only stuff we heard about him that rang true. We still want to adopt him, but he is not an angel, he is not shy about asking questions (if he is shy at all), and he is very oppositional. He had spent the previous five years in one placement, so that was good. He is our fifth adoption, so we aren't exactly shocked that his profile was wrong, but we ARE surprised at HOW wrong it was. Two words to watch out for in any profile are: Attachment Disorder. These kids are absolutely charming at first, then they fall apart and can be quite violent and impossible to manage. We told our social worker we would not consider a child with that diagnosis...know too many who have adopted RAD (reactive attachment disorder) kids and it isn't pretty. Expect a child the age of your new son to have some problems. Don't look for problems, but don't be surprised at them. Good luck on your new addition

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Thank you so much for both of the above replies! It is really great to hear from people who have actually adopted older kids and that it's "working out". I appreciate the advice. We feel that, so far, we have a pretty good relationship with the foster mother, though we haven't really had a chance to sit down and talk with at length without "the child" around. I will definitely ask about discipline. I'm a nurse at a Children's Hospital so I have some resources there and am thinking we should do some family therapy when he comes to live with us. Have any of you tried that?

Thanks so much again!

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We have adopted two older special needs kids. Both had histories that included abuse (physical & sexual) and abandonment issues. One child age ten had moderate MR and some medical problems, and the other at age 14 had depression and ODD. While we definately felt that our older child needed all the support we could give her(including the support of a good therapist to help her adjust), we found that family therapy was immensely helpful to us as well as her. While we had thought we were well prepared before our child came, it was much harder to adjust to being parents of a very oppositional teenager than we had anticipated. By the time we adopted our younger daughter a year and a half later, we had a very close secure relationship with our older girl and felt that since the family therapist had been so helpful to all of us the first time around, that we would continue therapy with the younger child for a while. Our younger daughter fit very easily into the family and within a few months we decided that we really didn't need to continue to see the therapist. We have since then taken our older child for therapy a few times when she asked to see Dr. L. in times of stress in her life. She views him as a friend she can talk to when things start to overwelm her. I think family therapy is probably one of the best things we ever did to help our kids and to create the close-knit loving family relationships we now enjoy several years later. My only suggestion is that you do your homework and choose a therapist that you feel is
supportive of ALL family members and whose values and methods agree or are compatible with yours.