[Archive]

Originally Posted By Tana

My adopted children act out terribly after they visit with their ex-foster parents. As long as we visit with them there is no after visit problems. But, if they visit alone, they act awful for a week or two. They are good people and love the kids and the kids love them. Any suggestions about why and what to do?

[Archive]

Here's a suggestion:

There's no way you guys are going to secure the attachment with your children without the COOPERATION from the foster parents.

Explain to the foster parents the problem, ask them to discuss the transition with the children and explain your importance in their lives. I'd make the visits less frequent and request that the foster parents reduce the amount of activities that they have with the children. In all likelihood they know the children better than you do, and know what will be required to wing the children from them to you.

Since they sound like good people you shouldn't have any problem at arrive on a strategy.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Tana

The children have been with us for almost 3 yrs now. they were only with the foster parents for three months. We have met and agreed on strategies. The only thing that is really stands out is that they treat the girls like babies (they are 6 and 8). The girls seem to do best if we get together as families and that is what we are doing now. I wish I could understand the underlying reasons for the disruption, but the only thing I can come up with is that was un uncertain time in their lives and it brings back the insecurity of that time.
Tana

[Archive]

Tana, your situation is no more unique than any family dynamics. Children at that age, relish the attention afforded them as being treated like babies. Yes, being adopted may give it a twist, but nothing more.

Like any parent to a relative or friend, you must explain to the former foster parents their treating the girls as babies is disruptive. If they continue to do it, I'd have to interpret it as being undermining to sustain a favored relation with the children, or it is just downright disrespectful to you. You're the parent.

I'd like to believe that if it were your parents (the kids grandparents) you would be more forthright in insisting that they not "spoil" your children. If you are timid to tell the person, then it first not fair to them, secondly, it may identify a personality flaw that you should concentrate on resolving.

My comparison with a over-indulging grandparent is too simplictic, because these children are adopted, and relationships complicated... To some degree it may be healthy to have individuals in your life who "baby/spoil" the girls, but on that same note, those individuals should be made mindful that there is a backlash on your end.

[Archive]

Good Question, and good responses too. The only thing I would add is that adopted children from the system absolutely hate going back. For them it IS 'going backwards' and its fraught with risk. Of course, therapeutically we might often want them to revisit the reality of their history (especially where the birth family is concerned) but all things in good time. Slow and safe is usually the way to go. Your kids will show you how much they can risk and when. Sounds like you're doing a good job as their parent.
Graham

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Tana

Graham, and others. Thanks for the response. My girls really love these people. I hate to cut the ties but have laid some very definite guidelines. Thanks for the encouragement.

[Archive]

Graham, and others. Thanks for the response. My girls really love these people. I hate to cut the ties but have laid some very definite guidelines. Thanks for the encouragement.