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Originally Posted By Linda

The little girl my county wants to place with me will be starting her visits soon. But here is what is going on......

The social worker for myself and the child think this is a good placement. My worker thinks that we are the perfect pre-adoptive placement. However.......

There is a grandmother in the picture. She has never expressed an interest in adopting the child but has tried to foster the child. Though she can't get her "act together" ,as my worker told me, enough to foster the child. So they are placing the child with me hoping that this will be where the child will want to be. She is excited about it. And you know me...I am thrilled! But they did say if the grandmother can get it together they will still look at the family. I am not absolutely sure but something was said about the grandmother's boyfriend not being thrilled about it.

My worker's hope is the child will bond with us and be very vocal about where she wants to be and things would work out for us, but I am so nervous about this.

Has anyone ever experienced a placement like this before? Is this usual? Even if the relative's home is not what it should be, do they still place with them just because they are family?

I really want to take this child. I was perfectly honest with the agency and told them not to place any foster children with me that were not legally free for adoption. I told them I only wanted children that I would be able to adopt. And now this.

Don't get me wrong. I think foster parenting is great. I admire people who can do it. But I can't. I get too attached and I know it would break my heart to have to give a child back into a situation that may not always be best for the child. That is why I was so specific when I was interviewed. God Bless the wonderful people who do foster parenting. But it is just not for me.

I am waiting for a call back to tell me when her visits will start and to tell you I am nervous would be a definite understatement!

Any help you can offer would be most appreciated. Thanks.

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Originally Posted By Sondra

My advise it for you to go with what your heart tells you!!

I had my daughter 5 years ago and no one promised me a happy and healthy child, but that didnt stop me from having her!!

Not once did I stop and think about what could have happened.

Dont stop pursuing your dreams due to something that might not even happen. Yeah there is a risk, but you take a risk everyday you drive to work during rush hour!!

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Originally Posted By yrand

Linda God forbid you pour your all out and they return the girl to a grandma who can't get it together! I mean really she should know what she wants to do.If she's more interested in her boyfriend than her own grandchild I wouldn't give her a second thought.Hopefully the agency won't either.

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There is no pain like that of an "adoption miscarriage" ... especially when it results from a birth relative or foster situation that didn't have their act together whom got it together once forced with reality of the child being moved into another placement ... yours ... and then won placement/custody of the child/children. And, piece of advice - no matter what the child says - the social worker/judicial system determines where the child's final placement will be. You can ask many adoptive parents - especially older child adoptions ... did your child want to be adopted and the answer from the child would be "no" - they use it as a controlling factor!

Think and then be willing to live with the results or RUN NOW!

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My experience has been that relatives have more rights just walking into the door, regardless, unless they are proven unfit. And even unfit, if the deficiencies can be "treated", they will place with a relative. And unlike a fost/adopt placement, they only have to meet the "minimal standard of care" criteria & sometimes a criminal background check and/or child abuse index check. And the courts decide, rarely will the child have much input.

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Originally Posted By Liz

Linda,
I don't remember if you told us the liitle girl's age, but I was thinking as I read your post that this child might be in much the same type of situation as our youngest daughter was when we adopted her. Does the child know this grandmother and have visitation with her now? Have the parent's rights already been terminated or is TPR still in process? Is the grandmother aware that she is being placed on a pre-adoptive basis? Does the grandmother live with the boyfriend? I know this seems like a lot of questions, but the answers to these questions could give you some idea of how big a risk you would be taking. If Grandma lives with the boyfriend it is very unlikely that she would be able to adopt or foster the child without the boyfriend's approval. If the child has had a close relationship with her grandmother in the recent past, it may be possible for you to work out a meeting with the grandmother. Then maybe you can determine if an open relationship could exist between the two families without putting the child in any jeopardy. This could be the best solution; the child & grandma can preserve their bond and
create new bonds to your family as well. We have an open
adoption with the "safe" members of our kid's birthfamilies and I think it has been a very positive thing for both the kids and the adults. We do not allow ANY contact with the birthparents who abused our girls however. If you can work out something with the grandma, just be careful not to give out personal information(complete names, addresses, phone #'s, etc)until you are sure it won't create problems or put your family at risk. Best of wishes to you. Please feel
free to e-mail me if you would like to talk more.

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Linda, You don't need this. Don't put yourself in a position where a "child" is going to determine if she/he likes you more than someone else. You might as well turn your house into an amusement park. Only to say afterwards, "OK kid, now that you're here for good, remember all the fun we had everyday and how I gave you everything you wanted so that you would like me over your grandmother? "Well, those days are long gone, we're a normal home now"

The kid will believe that they where Shang-Haided (and they were) and will run back to the flipped out grandmother, who will be in the background, FOREVER!

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Originally Posted By Pam

It isn't up to the child where he or she goes. We aren't at that point yet in adoption. If WILL be a foster care placement. There will be NO guarantee that you'll be able to keep this child in the end. None. I've seen people waiting as long as seven years when family is involved. The one who has waited seven years to adopt their child is still waiting. She has had the child from birth, but she is STILL waiting. She has hired an attorney and is going broke, but it isn't helping and she is still waiting. Unless the parental rights are already terminated, if you don't want to do foster care, DONT DO IT. That's what it will be. Be specific: You want a child who has already had the parental rights terminated. If you don't, you will be waiting a LONG time. If family is involved, you'll be fighting forever and may lose in the end. Good luck, whatever you decide.