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Recently I learned of an individual who is towards the end of a divorce. She's bitter and frankly not very stable. Against the recommendation of most, she has decided to continue to go forward in her adoption. I wouldn't entrust my child to her for a month. You would note a marked decline in your child’s attitude and behavior. My concern is that the adopted child is being used (in the pejorative sense) as a transferal, or to replace her sense of loss.

Every other word and situation that comes out of her month invariably links back to her divorce, and how he "done her wrong". Imagine, thrusting children with their own issues in her fray, day in and day out for years.

QUESTION:

Why would an agency adopt a child to an individual in this state of mind and life changes, and is there policies in regards to situations as this. If not, I suggest that agencies include this scenario as a flag against recommending an individual for adopting.

P.S. I'll say this and I know it won't stop some individuals from REACTING still, but for the record. I am NOT suggesting that individuals who are divorced should not be considered for an adoption. In an earlier post Graham caution individuals who had recently learned that they were infertile not to immediately after receiving this information, in concerns of their motive and preparedness.

My position is similar towards individuals who had RECENTLY divorced or amid a divorced.

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Originally Posted By Sondra

I am certainly not an expert, but I was told at orientation that you have to wait a year after any major changes (divorce, a death in the family and etc) to be eligible to adopt.

My friend had gone to an infertility doctor. After she found out that there was no way she could have a child, her and her husband decided to pursue adoption. They were forced to wait a year before they could adopt due to CPS feeling that they were just trying to fill a void.

After a year, they went back and now they have adopted two children.

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Your friend has just suffered a tremendous loss and she sounds like she is in the grieving process. My agency would definitely not let her continue with adopting at this time. These kids are going to need 110% from her and if she is grieving over her divorce how is she going to provide a child with what they need? What if she were matched with a child that has trouble bonding/attaching? would she be able to handle this? or would she feel like the child is rejecting her just like her ex?
Maybe you can bring this to light for her... She needs to take a time out and think things thru ( it not fair to the child to entire a stressful environment).

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In my state you have to wait a year after divorce or any major event, (i.e. death of a spouse,child) before the state will let you adopt. I'm not sure what private agencies require.

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I, myself, am at the end of a divorce. The divorce could have been handled differently but my soon to be ex chose to make it a bitter battle.

We have been seperated for almost three years and every time I come close to ending this thing he fires his attorney and has another reason. Even though he is the one who initiated the divorce.

Yes, I am angry about this. However I want this marriage ended as soon as possible so that I may move forward. It is not something I want to drag on.

I have an adopted daughter whom I adopted with my husband and I have been dragged to domestic relations court so many times because he is mad he has to pay for a child that is not "real". Believe me, she is very real.

In defense of the divorced person: A divorce is hard. It is sad. And it may make you feel like a failure. You must deal with those issues. BUT..it doesn't make you a bad choice for adoption. I, myself, don't have anything to do with my ex except when I get a letter to go back to court and hopefully within the next month or so my divorce will be final with or without his approval. I can achieve a no fault divorce after two years. I am however a wonderful mother. And I will be again when I adopt soon. I am receiving a placement very soon. And yes, they know the situation. I hid nothing. Honesty is always the best policy.

I have a very special person in my life who has made the commitment I have towards adoption and we hope to marry when my divorce is final. We are in this together. We are not a really young couple who may not be stable after a divorce. We both have children (17 & 18) whom we love very much and have turned out wonderfully.

So even though my marriage has taken far too long to end I should not be penalized because I am a divorced parent. My daughter had a horrible prognosis when I adopted her. She is an incredible stable and loving young woman now. And I raised her through the seperation, the court hearings and divorce. I feel that all divorced parents may be categorized and our experiences are all so different. I am a much better parent now than I was when I was married to my husband. And my child is proof of that.

I can't wait to be a parent to another child again. I love being a mother. Our lives are happy. And I am a good mother.

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This situation is sounds almost exactly like my friend. In fact it only serves to galvanize my stance on individuals in a divorce, another love interest in the background, and a troubled child plopped in the middle of all this.

I sincerely ask that you stand outside of yourself and reconsider your adopting at this junction.

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Well, get that thought out of your head! My little one will be making her first visit this week and we are completely and utterly thrilled. My daughter and I can't wait to extend our family.

You must be judging all divorce cases by your friends. I thought I told you that I have absolutely nothing to do with my ex and all matters concerning him are not discussed. I handle all issues when my child is in school. She knows she is very loved and we have a safe, structured and loving relationship. As a matter of fact I have not been investigated by one agency, but three. I chose to do this. All three are eager to place with me. I am very well centered, peaceful and happy. I do not hate my ex. I do however feel sorry for him and what he has missed. He has hit rock bottom and that is a sad thing.

I have gotten rid of my hatred. It will kill you. And I hope your friend does the same. Actually my husband leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me in the long run. I had very low self-esteem during my marriage. I didn't take care of myself and felt I wasn't worthy. Well, when I got a job that gave me back my dignity and self worth that really bothered him. I have a successful career now where my opinion is not only wanted but sought out. I have continued my education and am happy and confident and that has made my daughter even more secure.

So, in this instance, I am happy to say that you are wrong. I appreciate your concern for the children. But if I felt I wasn't ready, I wouldn't adopt. Take care of your friend. She needs you. Don't keep telling her how wrong she is. Help her cope.