[dadfor2]

i wrote this for another thread, and i thought id give it special attention...more for the fun than anything else.

this is not to be taken too seriously, but not something to just ignore either.

we will call it 'questionaire for new parents looking into adopting special needs'

the reason for this thread, is that maybe we can all put down our own 'are you ready' questions.

weve all been there, and we have all ran into situations with our kids where we sat back and scratched our heads and said
"huh?"

it might be fun, we all have our own experience. It could be funny, or could be serious.....just those questions that you wish you might of been asked before your child came too you.

ok, my questionare are about serious issues, they are geared to children with RAD or ODD.....

we can keep it as lite and funny too (crick88, you better write something)

we all know birth and adoptive kids bring different things to the family...adoptive kids can bring some 'odd' things that we werent either prepared for, or understood, or even heard about.

so lets get those 'are you ready' questions out there....it could turn out to be real funny.

use your own real life situations...lets see what people come up

here we go:

questionaire for new parents interested in adopting special needs kids...


1. are you ready to be cursed out and or physically hit constantly by your child?

2. are you ready to clean up all the broken glass and then replacing all your windows with pexiglass, because your child loves the sound of broken glass?

3. are you ready to take anything that is important to you or valuable and seal them in a box and stick them in the attic till your child moves out, because they just wont be safe while your child is living there ?

4. are you ready to do away with the cozy warm feeling you get on christmas eve, when you look at your fire place...cant take the chance of having a fire in the house you know, oh, that goes for candles to?

5. are you ready to give up holidays with some family members because your child just cant handle the holidays plus you dont want to ruin your familys holiday, because you know already what your child can do with a nice piece of china?

6. are you ready to 'not bother going' on parent teacher conference meetings at school, because you already have been at the school three times that week, so whats the point in going?

7. are you ready to be assaulted and learn the proper way to restrain your child while they are kicking, biting and hitting you?

8. are you ready to get the phone calls daily to pick up your child from school due to behavior problems only to have to deal with them at home and this was suppose to be your time to just sit and breath, oh well, theres always tomorrow, how many times do you say that to yourself "always tomorrow", does tomorrow actually come?

9. are you ready to call an ambulance or police on your child because he/she needs to go to the hospital, yet again?

10. are you ready to not go on family vacations because your child isnt ready and may never be?

11. are you ready to be emabarressed everytime you bring your child out in public, because we all know our kids are masters of embarrising us?

12. are you ready to admit that you cant parent this child and you need professional help and find out that really no one knows how to treat your child?

13. are you ready to pay your childrens therapist losts of money, only to find out your educating them more on what your child needs?

14. are you ready to lose sleep, because you have to stay up everynight on the internet trying to figure out what medications do what and you cant do that while the child is awake because your either restraining them or waiting for them to explode, because after all, thats what they do?

15. are you ready to get to know the police on a first name basis?

16. are you ready to get the looks from others because they cant understand why your child acts that way, and it must be your fault?

17. are you ready for when your family pet gets killed and you find out your child has no remorse over it?

18. are you ready to put locks on all your doors, alarm system on your childs door so you know when she gets up at night so you can make sure she is safe and all those around her safe?

19. are you ready to drag her screaming to every possible test in the world that you can see that maybe the problem is organic, because there has to be another reason she acts this way?

20. are you ready to do all your housework at night when your child is asleep....laundry, dishes, etc but your so tired from the day, but it has to get done?

21. are you ready to watch your babysitter leave in tears, yet again, and say "oh well, we lost another one" and know it will take you months to find another one.

22. are you ready for your child to yell "I hate you" over and over again, but you know you didnt adopt this child so you can get love back, it was too help this child, because we all know, that they may never love you, but you knew that going into this, but sometimes the words hurt?

23. are you ready to give up alot of your friends, because they cant understand why this child takes so much of your time?

24. are you ready to sit with other parents and feel so isolated because this is not your life and you sometimes you wish it was?

25. are you ready to have your house turn into a war zone and you are detemined to win, even when you know you might not, but you wont give in, even if it takes many years?


and now the bonus question: this is the hardest part of all of this...hope you get it write.


26. are you ready to look in your childs eyes and say good bye to them, as you live them in a residential program because you know they needed more help then you could give them and then look at their empty room at night?


congratualaitons!!!!!!! if you answered yes to these questions , then you are ready to be a parent with special needs.....

[dadfor2]

just re-read what i wrote, it was for another thread, i didnt realize how deep it was...so ill change the emotion a little.

this just happened yesterday with my younger son at his friends birthday party.

are you ready to run and pick up your child to drag him outside during a birth party because he got mad because he didnt want to play 'pin the tail on the donkey' and threw his little match box car at the birthday boys mother....and then while your outside, have him run around the house, in the dark, three times, in hopes to calm him down a little.



dadfor2

[HappyMomAnna]

You know Dad--I wonder how many people have actually sen this sort of questions in training? Because we did....not quite as emotionally but still pretty hard hitting.... I would like others to let me know if they were given anything like this?......

...and at the same time if you did learn about and hear about these FACTS before you had a child placed--what did you think?

Personally I remember thinking a lot of things... Mostly about the fact that with enough love children will thrive---With a stay at home mom and all the time I have....we can manage that! I remember telling my husband at least twice--oh honey don't worry about that those cases are rare and extreme....

Yeah!

Well, falling on your butt and needing back surgery because an angry 5 year old pushes you over the baby gate--is a real eye opener! Living in physical pain everyday since is a hard way to go...having your own mental health doctor ask you if you might have some deep seeded anger toward your child over it...hurts... Even if you don't even think about it and never really did blame it on her.... I guess even a good doctor might find it hard not to have negative feelings about a child with some of the issues a special needs child might bring?

It is a hard road! It takes more of everything then anyone can even imagine until the situation is there.... It is NOT a light thing to become a parent--it is even harder to become a special needs parent...

[lucyjoy]

Dad-you forgot the neighbors again!! My neighbors think we're nuts.

Our classes didn't even begin to cover this and not sure I would have believed it anyway.

I've talked at some classes-taking my kiddos along. They love to shock the parents by telling them all the mean things they did to all the foster families. They also tell them why it's different at my house.

But I do know the police well and spent time with my favorite officers this weekend dealing with some angry kiddos.

I'd hate to discourage the adoption of special needs kids, but being realistic about what to expect is important. Education is
important. Knowing what to look for in a child's profile is important. Making sure the right services are available to meet the child's needs is important.

Dealing with your own personal issues is a must. Having no buttons to push and being able to react to all kinds of behavior in a calm, but clear manner is needed.

[dadfor2]

anna,

no, we never got a questionaire.....like lucy, even if we did, i dont think i would of believed it.

lucy, where were you during our MAP training. they sent in a woman and her adorable 1 yr old child that she adopted. she told us her story, and what a happy ending......

so....

are you ready to be the talk of the neighborhood, because all the neighbors dont come around anymore and once or twice you get a knock on the door from DSS because one of the neighbors thought you were abusing the children by the children screams they heard coming from your house.

(this never happened to me, but i did forget the neighbors in my earlier post.

dadfor2

[crick]

Oh Boy! No, we certainly didn't receive a list like this in any of our training classes. More like "your child might have a temper tantrum everyday, are you prepared to stay calm for that?"

What they didn't say was "Your child might have a temper tantrum every day that lasts anywhere from 20 min. to 8 hours and while she's screaming at the top of her lungs, throwing herself at the wall, on the floor, tripping her brothers, clawing her face, pulling her hair and yours, refuses to let you touch her, hold her, or comfort her, and tells you that you are the meanest mommy ever for making her pick up her cup off the floor that she threw, you will need to stay calm, collected, focused, in control and do not under any circumstances run for the wine and valium cabinet".

Nope, no list like yours dad. But I agree, I probably wouldn't have believed these things anyway, thinking "no child of mine would do that because we'll be the best loving parents, make sure we know all their diagnosis', and if a parent can't stop a tantrum within 5 minutes, they shouldn't be parents in the first place." That was then...

I will post later after gymnastics though for another list of "are you ready for.....positive behavior insert here". We've got the good, the bad and the ugly and yet the love we have for our kids is truly there. I do like your list though, you should send it to some pre adoptive parenting classes.

More later,
Crick

[aMarylandfamily]

It's the question about how we jinxed the house ... the folks that bought our home also do foster/adoption placements and those police cars in the driveway which were a regular came once again this past week ... and a neighbor thought "did they leave one of their kids with you" (ha ha).

Once a special needs parent for a short or long time period changes you for life ... one more for the road "are you ready for the Judge who asks why you waited so long to get court assistance/services" ... wasn't our job to try before going that route!!! ... and the guilt that follows that for letting things get to the point that you need those services.

Take care everyone ... and keep posting - we all learn from each other and that's the best wisdom to obtain!

[pez collector]

Lucy- You stated "that you need to know what to look for in the child's profile". How do you know what to look for? What is the best way to look for services that they need?

We have taken all of the required classes and I have done a large amount of reading on special needs. Of course, this does not prepare you for reality. This forum is wonderful to help educate us.

God Bless.

[SageKitty]

I have two points to share:

1.) if you are trying to adopt a "special needs child" as a single parent, you should first "mail order" a husband. I could have used one to keep my little one in order. Many special needs children that have been abused and felt their birth Mom did not protect them really have an issue with respecting woman. You will be the brunt of their anger and watch out for the punches!

2.) Sound proof your home. Thank goodness my neighbors know me. The yelling that he did just because I said brush your teeth or go to bed was loud! He also growled under the neighbors window making them wonder if I got a new dog.

In conclusion, MAPP classes in NO WAY gave me any clue what it would be like. A wonderful lady also came to my class with a wonderful fairy tale ending. I was naive and had no clue and sadly I had to disrupt and have no child. Please ask for all of the history and then ask again. Ask to speak to everyone including past foster families.

Dad, thanks for starting this post.

Sagekitty

[lucyjoy]

Pez

Charming means RAD
Blaming the former foster parents for the removal(especially more then one set) means the kid is hard to parent but sweet as pie to the social worker(RAD)
Missing pieces of time
Multiple moves
Likes to please=poor social skills or poor peer relationships-perfers adults.

Services-in my opinion, kids who have been abused and neglected need a therapist familiar with and use to treating attachment problems. Many kids also need occupational therapy for sensory issues.

That's the best I can think to describe things.

Good job dad-The neighbors invited the police one of the times I visited with them yesterday. I was calling them anyway, but hey-never dull.

[pez collector]

Lucy-
Thanks for the reply. God Bless.

[crick]

Lucy - I agree with some of your points, and goodness knows you have tons more experience than I do but I don't think that "charming" necessarily means RAD.
I think the "charming" and "eager to please" are both signs of an attachment issue but then again, I believe most if not all "our" kids have some type of attachment issue regardless of how they are described. However, I don't think that all attachment problems are a definite RAD classification though, do you?

Sage - as far as the single parent issue goes, I think there are a lot of kids, girls especially, who have been abused by men who would do much better being placed with a single mom. I do agree with your excellent point that a lot of kids do transfer their anger towards bmom to the amom.

That's why I love this board. We all have so many different experiences and am reminded often of things to keep my eyes open for as time goes on. Just because an issue wasn't prevalent in the beginning, it doesn't mean that it won't show up later.

Pez - in my opinion, the profile barely scratches the surface but Lucy brings up excellent points of things to look for. I also wanted to add, if you are looking at sibling groups, I would ask who the "alpha dog" is of the group and find out everything you can of that child's behaviors and issues.

Crick

[Lorraine123]

Its great to read about others who live "out of control" lives like I do.

But, even if I were given this list during classes, I would have never believed it. I even remember them saying that most children would need therapy after placement and I thought "not mine". Well, the jokes on me....

Its hard to look at the pictures of these children and see whats inside. I still look at my daughter and wonder how she could be so damaged. Its beyond me. Its a world I have never lived and can't even imagine.

And sometimes its the little things that drive you batty. I guess I'm lucky in that my daughter isn't outwardly aggressive, but she is very passive aggressive. So we have to be always on our toes.

Heres one that almost drove me to the liquor cabinet this morning. My daughter has trouble with boundaries, so we told her "if it isn't yours, don't touch it". Well, that was working until it was time to leave for school. She just stood by the door. I said, let go and she continued to stand there. Again, lets go, again, just standing there. Finally, I said, open the door and lets go to school. Her response "I can't open the door. I can't touch it, it isn't mine." She wasn't being disobedient or anything. She was actually trying to following the rules. How do you teach someone boundaries when they have absolutely NO concept.... This stuff just wears me down sometimes.

[kay]

And another couple I haven't seen mentioned:

Are you ready to spend the rest of your life interacting with social workers?

And then there's the whole "siblings somewhere else" issue that's related - the visits, and the coordination, and the acting out afterwards.

My son is doing remarkably well - of course, he's 13, but I honestly think most of his "stuff" now is normal teen issues. His social worker was a Gift from God, I couldn't imagine a better ally. I never got along with my agency's worker, however, and was so pleased when we closed the door after her last visit! And then we think we're through - but no! His older sister (with whom we have close contact) has gone from placement to placement, good, bad and ugly, I have two full pages of my address book filled with addresses/contacts for her. Four or five different county workers, a CASA, group home staff - and two adoptive placements (who we accepted as family), which she disrupted. I celebrated her adoptive placements both for her benefit and for ours - finally an end to this stream of case workers! Now she's said she never wants to be adopted, she wants to live in a group home until she's 18 - so I have yet another worker to call and work with, and more group home folks to get aquainted with.

And another thing - are you ready for the lunacy of state laws that decree that once a child is 12, they have absolute say on where they live, AND they get to decide for themselves whether they will or will not take meds for psychiatric issues. (She's bipolar, but refuses any meds.)

[Cobb]

Are you ready to change your idea of what a family is supposed to be? Are you willing to change your definition of success? (Liz Randolph recounts that her definition of success with her fs was to get to 18 with no one dead and no one pregnant, that he graduated from high school was a pleasant, unexpected bonus)

Are you motivated by your need to be a parent, or the child's need to have a parent? It's a subtle difference, but an important one.