[bostonbeagle]

Thanks for the reply, and I will let you know what happens on Nov22, i want to be prepared! So anything or questions or input, i will gladly take in consideration a,d will think thoroughly!!

Boston

[crick]

Before we scare everyone away from the possibility of raising special needs kids, let's all remember the positives too. Especially for the new parents entering into "our" world.

Since I've been named "the pollyanna of special needs", I might as well start.

Are you ready for the day when everything is going wrong, the kids are more off the wall than "norm", and you are on your 2nd glass of wine (okay, 3rd), your son comes to you and says "I'm having a really bad day and need a hug." Reminding you that he is attaching and wants your comfort?

Can you deal with the sloppy kisses of peanut butter and jelly, hands covered in mud to bring you that very special worm, and the offer of the last sticky bite of a donut covered in spit that only a mom would dare eat, and you eat it happily because it's the first time your child shared something with you?

When your daughter wakes you up at 3:00 a.m. to tell you she's sorry for scratching your beloved piano and gives you the remaining 4 cents from her piggy bank to pay for it, will you be able to stop the tears as you realize that it's the first time she's ever apologized for anything she's broken?

When you are standing in line at the store dealing with the 3rd temper tantrum of the day and someone makes a snide remark like "parents just can't control their kids", will your "mother bear" protectiveness come out as you realize you really do love your child and will do anything to protect her?

Are you ready for the first mother's day or father's day card that your son worked for 2 hours on and it says "you are the best mommy/daddy ever"?

There are joys and blessings. I know no one is disputing that, just thought I'd remind myself especially, how lucky I am to be the parent of my kids.

Crick

[kamamsm]

Crick you are right! How about the first time they are able to complete a math page without help?! Or when she admits she was manipulating you - (cause all the other mommies didn't catch her) and you see how incredibly smart she is- or when she stops herself from lying for the first time- really thinks about it. Yes those are the moments.

[J.Ro]

Or even when she says "I was lying" instead of laughing and shrugging her shoulders!

When they say "Mom, pleeeeeezzzzze read to me, just a few more pages, pleeeeeezzzze."

Or when they say, "I hope I get to meet your granddad soon, he's old and he may die before I meet him." And you can tell they mean it.

Or when you get to go shopping for some special toy or outfit that you know they want, even if they show no appreciation, it still feels good to give.

[pez collector]

Dadfor2- Thank you for starting this thread. It has been very informative for me. God Bless.

[Barksum]

Yes, Dad, thanks for starting this!

Also, I so agree with Crick, JRo and Kamas. There are so many things we can be happy about and grateful for along the way. The little "mini milestones". Like the first tantrum that is JUST a tantrum and not hysterical raging.

[Lorraine123]

I agree. I think with "special needs children" the successes are even more of a success. They are definitely different, but still sucesses.

-When she fell down and came to me to kiss it.

-When I was going to squash a spider in the house and she yelled "Don't. It may be a mom and its kids need her."

-When she says "I love you" and I wait for her to say what she wants and then I realize she said it just because. (and I hope that maybe, just maybe, she is starting to mean it)

-When in the middle of a rage, she pulls herself together and says "I really don't want to be like this, but I just can't stop."

[dadfor2]

awwwww crick.........leave it to you....ok, it was a dim picture, but im open....lol

ok....my kids

are you ready when you special needs child comes running up to you when you pick them up after school because they are so happy to see you.

are you ready for your special needs child to ask you to sit next to them when they are watching their favorite cartoon

are you ready for them to finally ask you to stay with them until they fall asleep at night because they are scared

are you ready for them to say "look, a hurrican in florida, can we call grandma and grandpa to make sure they are alright" then i call and they want to talk to them...

are you ready when you walk in the house after work and he yells..."YEAAAAA!!!! DADDIES HOME....." and then starts to jump and down and then run towards you to give you a hug.

are you ready when you enter into a place with alot of people, and your outgoing child suddenly grabs your hand and kinda hides behind you a little because they finally realize that yoo will protect them.

are you ready when your child finally takes his arms and puts them around your neck when your hugging him instead of just keeping them by his side.

i can go on and on...ill think of some more....but these are major milestones for my kids. these are things that i dont take for granted, these are the things that make me think its going to be alright.

thanks all for changing flavor of this thread...crick.....and those who responded.

i have been so drenched in my sadness with my kids, that sometimes to step back and actually think of how far we have come......

im going to post again later when i get my thoughts together more...

dadfor2

[Colorbind love]

Well, I'm in and out of these forums, depending on how my son is doing at that time.

Here's a good one. Are you ready to create a contingency plan for your 8.5 year old son. When his best friend is coming before he wakes up in the morning. But, he's scared because he's been having really bad nightmares again, which of course means he's been flooding the bed. So, you had finally put him back in pull-ups because its getting cold outside and you don't want him to be wet and cold during the night. But, now his friend is coming and he does not want his friend to know that he still uses pull-ups. Can you hug him and not cry while you help him figure out a plan to get the pull-up off and disposed without the friend catching onto the fact that it was ever there?

Or, on the flipside of screaming, can you handle a child who still bores holes in the floor when he's really upset and no matter how and what you try he will not open his mouth, not even if he starts to cry. Oh, but he'll swing his fist at you. He just won't talk and tell you what is wrong.

Are you ready to cry into your pillow at least once a week because he's shown you just a glimpse of what haunts him in his nightmares? Are you ready to feel vile, unadulturated hate towards the adults that hurt him so badly? Are you ready to face the situation that you couldn't protect him, you can't help the nightmares and someday he'll grow too big to let you hold him while he thrashes and screams in his sleep. So, you cry because you're worried about who will hold him when he screams in the dark then.

Are you ready for adoption workers and therapists to all tell you that because he is doing so 'well', he doesn't need therapy and they won't see him, and because they say he's doing so well insurance won't cover therapy. But, those awful nightmares still coming back, and he doesn't think he's doing 'well' when the nightmares come. You don't think he's doing 'well' when he can't battle the nightmares. But, you're stuck researching online and trying to love him enough to him to feel safe because those nightmares DO come, and their awful and they scare even you. He can't sleep alone and you never know if he's going to feel safe to sleep with his little brother, or if he's going to require sleeping in your bed this night. And, once again, that hate for those evil men wells up inside you, and you just want to scream to God WHY? How can men be so evil and hurt someone so innocent and little? And, then you have to wonder, again, whether your son will ever heal, or if hoping he can learn to just live with his nightmares is as good as its ever going to get for him.

Last question...Can you watch this child take a nightmare free nap and then be able to just move forward and let things go when he comes out with a sheepish grin and wants some lunch. He still won't talk to you, but he's grinning now and interacting with his siblings. So, can you just shake off the morning and pretend it didn't really happen? Can you not hold it against him that he ruined everyone's day for school and left you in a foul mood? Can you just walk away from it and realize that there's just no point in thinking about it now, because you know soon its all going to start over again and you can deal with it more when it does? Can you just hug him and give him some of his favorite lunch that you made for him 3 hours ago and just call it quits for school for the day? Because that's all that is really going to help him and if you can't do that, then you aren't going to get far parenting him.

[bostonbeagle]

Well I guess my heart is into special needs children, I truly want to adopt, but really want to make sure the child is right for me!

I guess I have been with a mentor program for the last 2 year, sorry can't say nmae of organization! I was matched with a little girl, age 10, she is now 12, and her home home life is terrible, not a thing I can do about it! Her mom is unemployed, on welfare, there is 4 other siblings in the family! They have been evicted from apartments so many times i lost count! So I try to be the best mentor I can be! I take her to the library twice a week, to help her with homework, Cook with her( she makes a better pie crust than me), and recently started getting into church!

This girl has ADHd, and I think slight RAD, not diagnosed! She has behaviors all the time when she has to go back home! I know her home life is awful, but that is her mom, and I constantly tell her we need to go home!

Well this girl is now on the honor roll, and now playing soccer! And she has alot of friends! And I got her on a monthly clothing donation program, she loves designer duds, at that age especially!
And recently her mom has gotten her GED, and i baysit for her once a week! And now she is trying to get into nursing school. Im saying a prayer for her!

Well these are my thoughts for the nite!
Regards,
Boston

[crick]

So then there's the setbacks....everything's fine and then BOOM! here comes a 48 min. tantrum for getting caught in a lie. Sigh...had to carry her to her room and hold the door shut for 8 min. before she gave up trying to get out. Her door has yet another mark from kicking and I made the mistake of not checking her room and she marked up her dresser in blue marker.

But....it's better than 3 hours or 6 hours, my hand isn't numb from holding the door shut for 45 min., after she was done, she willingly sat down to discuss the situation, accepted her consequence for lying to me and her teacher, and when told to clean up her dresser she did it without a word.

Not a good night so far, but still okay.

Bostonbeagle - that's a great experience to share!

Colorblind - that pain we feel just never goes away and those are the times where you hold them tighter and love them even more.

Dad - I knew you would come up with something! I can only imagine the pain you are in and I ache for you and your family. Everyone needs time to heal but I also know the road to healing is helped by remembering the good things too. And of course, being me, I will give a friend a kick in the butt when they need it.
So consider yourself "kicked"!

Crick

[lucyjoy]

not sure I can go with this good stuff right now.

Are you ready to forgive your child when he intentionally harms you?

Are you ready to decide whether he's safe enough to be home or put him in a facility where he might never come home?

[HappyMomAnna]

.....sucked in again...........

so I guess I will just get it off my chest right here and right now...

...Are you ready to fall in love at first sight and spend the first year thinking all you see is 'normal' and that things will go well when everything settles...only to go to three--or four different doctors and shrinks and here them say the same things..."she is so lucky to have you.....she will do fine.....remember how hard things have been.....children are resiliant.

...Are you ready to sit in your car on the way home from Swim Lessons and wonder what action to take next? Continue driving and pray you make it safe? Stop and wait for the RAGE to end knowing that other children like yours sometimes do really stop at 45 mins maybe this time it will not be four hours....? Or call 911 on your cell-- because really and honestly--this situation is just not safe for you--her or the baby?

...Are you ready to take your child to the emergency room equiped with the 'words' you were given by the 'people' you have found who do know what the right words really are --AND THEN SAY THEM--knowing it means they will admit her into a psyc unit and keep her for days and tell you little or nothing when she finally does come home?

...Are you ready to think that finally four medications are seeming to work well and maybe you can pass on the admission to the 24 months of day treatment for severly emotionally disturbed children? Only to have the week blow out from under you and all those behaviors return even when you know you have been good about giving her all four medications? And then have the phone ring with an invitiaon and a deadline to make a choice in 24 hours to go ahead and accept the spot in the day treatment after all....knowing that passing it up means the next space is not going to be there and is not day treatment and could be residential treatment 2 or 3 years down the road?

...Are you ready to be blunt with a spouse who feels differently then you do about an issue that could effect the outcome of your childs future for the rest of their lives...? And yours too?

...Are you ready to spend many a monent second guessing yourself and making pro's and con's lists and using hash marks to tally the opionions of others who have and have not walked in your shoes?

...Are you ready to risk not makine a really big decision for all the right reasons...knowing that in ten years it could be the biggest mistake you ever made in your life--or in hers?

...Are you ready to fill so full of hope and think that your family is starting to look really normal only to have a few days pass and realize you were wrong and it all must have been a dream...but was it? And are your over reacting because it is that time of the month and maybe the problem is your own intolerance and you were actually the one who pushed more then you should have so maybe the return of the behaviors is really your responsibility because at the same time the child has slipped back into the behaviors she had not shown for so long you were in a bit@hy mood and maybe you are only over analyzing things and well...this time it really might be your own perception of things after all you did snap at your husband on Saturday and cry when a NOT very sad movie was on....so maybe you should set an appointment with your own shrink this time and see if he has something to get you over the hump....maybe four medications all around ?

...Are you ready to face a major decission with 24 hours to decide and change your mind 600 times in an hour fightgin hard on both sides of the issue and convinencing yourself you are done deciding everytime and that you made the right chioice....wiat...what about....?

...Are you ready to hear words come out of your mouth you never thought you could say.... Are you ready to be blunt with people who get in your way...

...Are you ready to spend $1200 to take the children to visit your mom and her husband--only to have your child melt down and your step father say "When you have a rabid dog it is your responsibility not to bring it around innocent people." Only to burst into tears on your mother sofa so filled with love for the daughter you (just realized) you love with every drop of blood in your heart....

.........................anyway......Makala has raged everyday since Sunday after not having an issue since August! Rages are 2 plus hours (shorter then before but escalating) And day treatment called with a spot we have to accept or refuse tomorrow....

[kamamsm]

HappyMama > Bless your heart! (((((hugs))))) What a horrible thing to hear!Rabid Dog? No wonder you cried. Hang in there. Let her go to day treatment ( if you think its good for her.) We care.

[dadfor2]

anna,

sorry to hear, just when you think things are going well.....

i guess ill change my mind, as im sure you have about 100 times,
our kids go up and down all the time, maybe she should go to the program

this way, when she is on her rage cycles, at least your not looking at them and them saying "cant handle her, shes got to go"

the reality is, these decisions are just so hard. alot of our children had so many failures in their lives and we try so hard not to set them up for another.

maybe to avoid another failure for her, just get her in the program.

im waiting patiently for when my sons school calls and say they cant keep him there.

we had his IEP meeting a while back, and the teacher said that his behaviors is now a safty issue because he is throwing things at other kids and she doesnt know what to do.

thank god, we had 5 good days in a row, which is very unusual. we are giving him strict consequences if he acts up at school.....NO AFTER SCHOOL......they called me last week (the new plan) i picked him up screaming and crying, and so far hasnt had another issue since.

but like you, i know its not going to last. im learning they just go through their cycles.

hang in there....

dadfor2

dadfor2