[Katey]

I have read most, but not all of the posts and have 2 more to add:

1) Are you ready to keep enough records of who was where, when, and with whom, as well as records of lies (big an small) to defend against false accusations of sexual abuse brought against family or family friends?

2) Are you ready to let your teenager live the childhood they only dreamed of in safety and privacy? (We have a riding lawnmower with a red wagon attachment that we use to move horse hay and other stuff. Our previous 14 yo SA victim liked to ride in the red wagon when my DH mowed the lawn. My, then 20 yo bio son saw one day and asked what she was doing since he had not wanted a ride in the wagon since he was about 4. I simply responded "She never got a chance to BE 4. He understood. BTW our yard is VERY private so there was no chance for embarrassment for her with neighbors or kids from school seeing her. It was safe for her.)

KC

[pez collector]

Crick- Thank you for the information. God Bless.

[mamacrina]

What a fantastic thread...I appreciate everyone's posts. I have no children yet, but the more info I have to help in "reading between the lines", the better off all of us will be.

We had a lot of eye-opening material in class...but again, I thought,"my kids will never be like that." Then, a family of 5 with a 16 yr old daughter with RAD came in to talk to us. Their story was the hardest-hitting.

I agree with the others, Dadfor2, you should forward that list to social workers 'round the world! May I have permission to share it with mine?

Hugs,Crina

[SageKitty]

I remembered some more:

Long baths are a thing of the past. On a good day you can actually shave your legs. On a better day you can add conditioner to your hair! I remember calling a friend and asking them to watch "j" so I could take a long hot shower. He always would bang loudly on the door just as I turned the water and not knowing what happened I would jump out with soap still in my hair!

Rides in the car were always fun. How many times has everyone had to pull over to make things safe again?

The cats in my house were blamed for everything. I should be on TV with all of the tricks he claimed THEY did. The best one was one of the cats must have hidden the matches behind the cat box. Note: NEVER leave matches anywhere in the house or they will find them.

Sagekitty (Single parent)

[lucyjoy]

Okay Crick-all charming does not mean RAD, but all RAD kids are listed as charming in their profiles.

Lorainne-I'm still laughing. I had a kid who'd just move in tell me he couldn't talk to me because his mother told him never to talk to strangers.

Are you reading to work your butt off helping a kid stay out of trouble only to have him tell you that "this isn't a good enough family for him?"

And then there's those false allegations of abuse we all know and love so well. And just ask a RAD kid if someone beat him-yeah, that's an open invitation for story time. Can you prove you didn't his a kid? And the sob story's teens make up for attention-I've heard some doosies.

[Barksum]

Have to laugh somewhat ruefully when I read thru this thread. I remember thinking that "my" children wouldn't be like the children described in our classes, etc. I thought that just being firm, consistent and stable would cover most things. It helps, but....

I also remember being told to "access services" for any child we adopted. Maybe I missed the class that covered how to FIND the services (I didn't) but my experience has been that it is often very difficult to find appropriate services for the needs of the child. It takes alot of work, and entering into the whole thing with little idea of what the actual problem could be was very handicapping to us as parents.

Our oldest son has fetal alcohol issues, but came to us with no known/identified issues. HELLO! He had issues, but they just were not clearly documented. I can go back and see things in his case file now, but they weren't obvious to me before because we didn't really know what we should be looking for. Additionally, I learned things from his foster mom that were not in the case file. I give the cw's the benefit of the doubt because he was pretty young, but to be biographied as a child with NO issues was not quite totally acurate.

Our second adoption was very much more eyes open, but we did get a little surprise there, too. Ds #2's bio mom was hepatitis c positive. Our son had been screened for this at birth and that first test was listed as negative. In my naivte I thought that was all we needed to know. It wasn't until after he had been placed with us and his medical file forwarded to our pediatrician that I found out he had already had two blood tests and we still needed a third blood test at 18 months of age before he would be considered hep c negative.

Both of our sons came to us with some delays. Ds #1 has sensory integration issues (listed as "likely has dysfunction of sensory integration") as well as some of the "classic" fetal alcohol issues, such as social/emotional dysmaturity. Ds #2 has had significant delays in other areas. Starting out with his first eval at about 3 or 4 months he was assessed as functioning at about a 1 month old level. He is 3 now and has overcome all of his delays except speech. He has the expressive language of the "average" 1 year old. (Talk about frustrating! You try having a child with a high level of receptive language and very limited expressive language!)

I suppose the thing that I've noticed lately is that we have adapted our home and thinking to the different needs of our little guys so well that it is second nature to us. It isn't until we get the surprised looks from other families that we realize that we aren't average. (Normal is such an overused term.) I figure that hey, if I can learn to live with 45 - 90 minute tantrums then Wal-Mart customers can adjust to a 3 minute freak-out over having to walk by the cart. It just isn't that big a deal to me any more because I know how far we've come from where we were. That, and I live too far away to just stop shopping and go home.

[J.Ro]

Nobody tells you HOW to read their files...it's only after you've gotten to know them and their behavior (left off the adjective of choice) that you can truly read between the lines.

And do I have to steer clear of the wine cabinet??

[kamamsm]

"are you ready to be the talk of the neighborhood, because all the neighbors dont come around anymore and once or twice you get a knock on the door from DSS because one of the neighbors thought you were abusing the children by the children screams they heard coming from your house?"

Dadfor2 you crack me up! I have so thought about that happening every time mine has a meltdown!

How about this: Are you ready to hear in detail how the monster that molested your baby did it- right down to "there was a lot of blood mommy." Are you ready to hear, "Mommy why did they do that to me? I just want to know why?"
Because -Praise God she was able to finally tell me and get it out- but oh Father- How do I answer and how do I keep from crying - and how do I help her heal?

[Cobb]

How about this: Are you ready to hear in detail how the monster that molested your baby did it- right down to "there was a lot of blood mommy." Are you ready to hear, "Mommy why did they do that to me? I just want to know why?"
Because -Praise God she was able to finally tell me and get it out- but oh Father- How do I answer and how do I keep from crying - and how do I help her heal? [/b]

Kam

(((HUGS)))

I too have had that conversation!

Are you ready to experience the guilt of for the first time in your life wanting someone dead and really meaning it!

[HappyMomAnna]

kamamsm--

Hold her very tight and CRY with her...... Tell her that someone hurt her.....and that you will be there with her and help her learn that the terrible thing that happened is NOT the way it is supposed to be and not her fault......and that you will help her learn what all of that was really supposed to mean as she grows up.....Spend time as she grows pointing out that some of the most beautiful things about living---can be made ugly by evil people but it does not have to be that way. And take one day and one new moment of her maturity at a time...... working on learning about what LOVE is supposed to be...... There has always been a fine line between Love and Hate and good and evil..... For those of us who saw evil as a child we need to know this truth. With that truth great health and love can become a real thing.......

We are taught to NOT show our emotions with our special children---but, on this subject it is 100% OK for a mom to CRY and to show her anger that someone HURT her beautiful innocent little girl...and that Hurt Hurts you as deeply as any pain you have known....... We should all CRY for a child who has been sexually abused...when they let it out it is validation to know that pain is not just her own....

[kay]

Barki,

Your reply reminded me of one other frustration - the "accessing services". My son didn't have RAD or ODD or anything diagnosed, but did come with some anger and other issues (what child doesn't???) I was told "well, of course the state will pay for therapy" - but I never found one therapist - not one! - who was both experienced with adoption issues *and* would accept the state's insurance! This is my child's mental health - I'm going to take him to Joe Blow from the Yellow Pages, who knows nothing about adoption, just because he's free???? Yes, my son's therapy came out of my pocket. (And worth every penny, but jeez, it shouldn't have to be that way!!)

[bostonbeagle]

Well we got the call yesterday, about setting a interview with county social worker and finally get to see what the 10 year old girl looks like, and ask manyt questions? Well with AdHd and Rad, what kind of questions should I ask? I have nevver benn through this before, and being a first time parent, any ideas or anything? Anyway yes I am ready to adopt a special needs child due to my work environment, Im around many types of people everyday!

Boston

[dadfor2]

bostonbeagle,

are you seeing the girls or just like at pictures?....

the pictures or even seeing the girls first, will not help you in making any objecive decisions

i have worked for 11 yrs with men who were incarerated, in jails with drug and etoh issues. my wife is a teacher. i also worked for 7 yrs with mentally disabled kids when i was living in NY.

so i had experience with some tough populations.

nothing, and i mean nothing compared me for what my 8 yr old brought to our family.

here are a few questions....

1. how long do their tantrums last?...is it 1 hour or 8 hours or all day?

2.

[dadfor2]

sorry about that, my computer just crashed...not sure what happened

2. ask do they respond to any limits?

well, heres the question i think you need to ask yourself.

the biggest thing you have to ask yourself, are you adopting these kids because you want children, or are you adopting these children to get them out of the foster care system and help them heal.

this is two different reasons. if its because you want children and your heart feels that by adopting a special needs kid and give him a chance. you might be disappointed.

thats what we did.

kids with RAD/ ODD is extrememly hard to parent. You might not be loved back for a long time. again, my questionaire at the top of this thread, is geared towards children with RAD or ODD. not your typical special needs child.

these girls have RAD, and you really have to be able answer yes to alot of those questions.

this is something that we were not prepared for....and yes, our home was a war zone.

if this is something you really want to do, stay connected to this forum. we are all here and at times, you may need to vent (as alot of us had to do)

and try to figure out how to have your kids respond to a simple request like 'its dinner time, lets all eat!" without a full blown, 3 hour tantrum.

dadfor2

[dadfor2]

heres another question...to see if your ready.

make a list of all the behaviors that you can think of that you will find unacceptable for your child to do.

after you do that, and you have written down maybe just one...then maybe you are not ready to parent a child with RAD.

chances are, the behavior or behaviors you wrote down, theres a good chance your child will do them and it will take a long time for them to stop, and they may never stop.

dadfor2