[crick]

I think Jen reinforced what's been said many times which is stopping yourself from thinking "MY kids won't be like that". Instead, think "IF my child does this, will I be able to handle it and do I have the resources to help them and me?"

Our kids were 5,4,3&2 at the time and are a sibling group. Going from zero to 4 kids at once isn't something I would recommend for everyone but it's worked for us.

I think the main things I looked for during our search was what circumstances lead to the removal of the birth home and what type of issues might occur later in the years. I needed to remind myself that it's an on going process, not a set timeframe. I had to really think about the fact that "one day" my child might have a whole new set of challenges to deal with and would I be able to accept that?

I believe several of the issues we have had are common with foster care adoption in general. The food, social manners, development and some bonding/attachment issues are very common and we had/have those.

However, every child is unique and responds to their past history differently and issues they have from that are specific to them individually. My daughter has very specific challenges in response to the same background as her brothers but her brothers do not have the same challenges. So to repeat Jen's comment, it's important to be flexible and realize you will probably parent much differently than the traditional standards.

I will say that in comparison to a lot of other children, my kids have less challenges. Doesn't make those challenges less significant by any means, just different and on a smaller scale.

One other thing I wanted to mention. A lot of times I think "is this a "normal" kid thing or related to the adoption?" and I've been finding it more realistic to think "This is normal for MY child" and thus continues the flexibility and acceptance of a different kind of parenting. It may not be normal for others, but it's normal for us, and that's okay.
Crick

[karenw]

Crick-I love the concept of "is this normal for my kid?" I have always struggled with how to decide where the behaviors/traits are originating. I ask, "is this age, teen angst? is this depression? is this the time of the year? or is this just plain old kids are confusing to parent?" Not worrying about normal or typical is hard because we so want our adopted/ abused kids to lead productive lives. My goal is a happy, productive member of society who can have relationships. This is no different than birth children. What would I be like if I had been abandoned or mistreated or asked to fend for myself. Would I be "normal", Am I normal if I choose to take on a special needs kid?????

Open eyes are crucial, but realistic optimism can be a help too.
Karen

[crick]

Karen,
I know what you mean with all the questions we ask ourselves in regards to our kids' behavior! Boy! Kept having those all the time before I finally realized that what my kids do is normal for them and so what if it's not according to the "guidelines of Dr. Spock?" ha ha. Not to say that every now and then I ask myself "where is this coming from and is it okay?" Think those questions will continue forever!

Obviously we see the things that do need correction and changing to help our kids, but I just found in the whole scheme of things, so what if my son likes to sleep on the floor by the door? Or yes, it's normal for my daughter to ask me at least 2-3 times the same question to ensure that she can believe what I say and my answer will be the same each time. These little "quirks" for lack of a better word are part of my kids and the hard part was me realizing and accepting that I didn't need to change anything, just continue to reassure and support them. If my son is 15 and still sleeping on the floor, well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. And even then I might not worry about it.
Like you say, every parent hopes their children will be able to go out in the world individually and be happy. For us, we might need more creative ways to help them achieve this goal, but that too is part of parenthood;advocating for your child.

Crick

[JewelMarie]

Crick, as a young child, I grew up in an abusive house hold. I slept on the ground near my bedroom door to guard anyone from coming in or for quick escape. Now, as an adult I don't sleep but the door but I go through times that I enjoy sleeping on the floor, especially during the summer when I am hot. So what if your son likes to sleep on the floor; perhaps one day you and him can figure out why, but as long as he is safe, then let him. I remember a time that I used to build a fort and sleep in the closet and I was in my teens. lol....thanks for the trip down memory lane.

[Barksum]

Crick:

Had to laugh when you talked about your son sleeping on the floor. My son likes to sleep in boxes, or in nests. I was very careful about telling people that at first! I was hesitant when the cw came over, but I finally just said that he liked to sleep in boxes and we let him at night. It has to do with his sensory integration stuff and his fetal alcohol stuff. Once I got over the idea of it being a little bizarre to want to sleep in a box (not just once in awhile, not just as a part of his fort...but all the time!) we allowed it and over time were able to transition to the nest. Even tho we know why he likes to do some of the things he does, it still makes me wonder at times! Often, tho, I forget that some of the things our family is used to are a bit out of the ordinary. I'm only made aware of it again if we have a babysitter or a visitor. LOL

[crick]

JewelMarie & Barki - glad you understand what I mean by our kids' actions and the importance of letting them have their safety nets. And I totally get what you mean by being so used to our kids' behaviors that are normal for them and yet people outside the family might raise a few eyebrows! LOL!

I get the eyebrows at times when people find out I give my children dreams for the night. The oldest two had whopper nightmares when they first came and I found that by giving them happy dreams to go to sleep with, made bedtime easier for them to face. Now my younger two also request dreams simply because it's fun, and not due to nightmares. Kind of a family tradition we've started, I guess. Some people think it's a bit strange although I don't....just normal for us.

Crick

[JewelMarie]

Crick, I like the idea of giving kids dreams. I believe my little one might be experiencing some nightmare; I will have to ask the foster mom at the meeting. This would make a good bedtime routine to give them pleasant dreams. Personally I don't care what others think about the things I will need to do for my daughter to reinforce her security and to help her regain some of her childhood experiences in a postive way. This journey is not about others, it is about my daughter growing, healing and becoming the person she is meant to be. All I can do is teach, guide and role model well for her; yes and love her too.

[JewelMarie]

Yeah!!! Meetings are set for next week!!!!!!!!!!

[shanzelka]

So tell me about these tantrums. We adopted a 10 year old with mild RAD, everything's fine, but we are now looking at two little girls, ages 7 and 9, and the older one "tantrums." What questions should we ask? We already have questions about learning disabilities and the mother's mental health issues.

[lucyjoy]

Ask How long the tantrums last? Does the child try to injure themselves or others during the tantrums? Is property destroyed during the trantums? Has anyone ever video taped one?

Tantrum on paperwork can mean anything from 5 minutes to 6 hours(and I do have a child who use to scream 6 hours a day). Basically, you want to know is the child raging or does he just need good boundaries and consistant parenting. Ask the current foster parents if you can.

[shanzelka]

Information forwarded to me:
The casemanager reported that child has "anger issues," noting that episodes are "pronounced," but less frequent than in the past. The casemanager reported that child's former foster parents would prompt her to clean her room to which child would respond by tantruming...the casemanager stated that child's tantrums appear to be "emotional hysteria," including screaming, yelling, and "carrying on." During these episodes, child is not redirectible, yet she is reported to be able to calm herself with time.
The former foster mother was physically abusive to this child. The children were removed from this adoptive home.
What do you think?

[Lorraine123]

This is just me speculating, but - The one thing that would would be notable is "anger issues". That kind of denotes rages. A rage is different from a tantrum. Although it can appear as just a really bad tantrum, the reasons for it are different. It sounds like control issues. In my daughter, she rages whenever she feels out of control (which is quite often). Being asked to do something can lead to her feeling out of control. The anger that comes out of her during a rage is unbelievable. You may need to be trained in how to restrain her so she doesn't hurt herself or you (and believe me, its quite difficult to restrain a raging child).

Lucy had a good suggestion - see if anyone has videotaped one. That should tell you alot.

Also, it sounds like the foster parents weren't good, therefore, the tantrums could be simply from their lack of abilities. Get more details.

Good luck.

[shanzelka]

I will also see if we can talk to the current foster parents.
Thank you for your advice. I will post again after we meet with the caseworkers on the 19th. We are the only family being considered, so if we choose to proceed, the transition will begin.

[lucyjoy]

My child who raged use to make false abuse allegations against foster parents so if she's been in more then one foster home, be sure to check for other "bad" foster parents. I see red flags when foster moms are blamed for angry kids issues. While there are bad foster parents, I've seen many good foster parents blamed for abuse that never occurred so just be sure to check it out.

It sounds like raging to me also.

[Kerbchek]

I wanted to thank everyone for posting to this thread and to "Dad for 2" for starting this thread. I am currently going through MAPP classes and am 5 weeks through the homestudy... It is great to hear so many situations, perspectives, etc... Things are discussed here that we talk about in class, but all of you make the issues real and personalize them. As a perspective adoptive parent I do feel like I'll be able to handle anything... but I do need to know what "might" happen and how I "might" be able to handle such situations. I'm still ready to proceed, this thread has been an inspiration. I also have been jotting notes down regarding questions I need to ask as I go through the process. Everyone in my class should read this thread and become familiar with this forum...


Thanks again and Happy Holidays everyone!!!!