[Christy33]

I really appreciate all of the input. YOu all are a really big help. I've been through adopting a child. My youngest is adopted. But is birthmom is my sister and he was 6 weeks old when he came to live with us, 4 months when we started the process, 7 months when the adoption was final. Not that I haven't had issues to deal with but those were issues concerning how me and my sister felt. We were always best of friends and really close and for awhile we had to distance ourselves from each other to deal with how we were both feeling. That's not to say we didn't still see each other alot because we did. It was just different for awhile.
I've had to deal with certain issues concerning my own children. My sons dad and 14 years of seeing him frequently decided he didn't want to be my sons dad anymore because i took him to court for child support. So we had to deal with how my son felt and what he went through. His feelings of abandonment ect.
I've never had to help a child that had any medical problems.
I know I have alot of research ahead of me so that is why I come here as well as read as much as I can from other sources.
Well I've aired enough of my dirty laundry for one session...*S*
Thank you all. Christy.

[CathyG]

We went through the classes and were told some incredible stories that scared the heck out of me. I had 3 young bio kids and no way was I ready for what they were suggesting could happen. So, I talked to a woman who had just adopted from Russia. She assured me that the children over in the orphanges are so easy! They are taken out of the home before real damage is done and are "brainwashed" into wanting an American home so much that they are extremely appreciative and easy chldn. Boy was I naive!!! We went and got a bro and sis. I worried about them after meeting them. We didn't know what to look for but thought that Love could get them better. Boy were we wrong. I was so unprepared that things went very bad for over a year. I developed health problems from the stress, my bio kids were not happy campers, my dh felt rejected by them so pretty much ignored them. It was all on my shoulders and it was too much to bear. I almost gave up on the little boy. Now he's the good one and the sis is giving us fits. It got so bad my Mom suggested foster care for her and offered to keep her until such arrangement could be made. Since that happened, life is so much better. I wish so much that I was made out of the same stuff that you people are, but I'm not, and neither is my family. We hope to find a great family like what you all are. We plan on keeping in touch with her - esp. since we want to keep her bro. They seem to be doing much better apart anyway. None of us want the little bro to go. He feels like part of the family, but we don't feel like we can help the sis. We tried for 3 yrs and it just got worse, in fact, it was starting to get more intense and aggresive - she was scaring us. She's doing better now too.
You folks are so incredible! I just dont understand how you do it!
God bless your efforts (and stamina)
Cathy

[CathyG]

We went through the classes and were told some incredible stories that scared the heck out of me. I had 3 young bio kids and no way was I ready for what they were suggesting could happen. So, I talked to a woman who had just adopted from Russia. She assured me that the children over in the orphanges are so easy! They are taken out of the home before real damage is done and are "brainwashed" into wanting an American home so much that they are extremely appreciative and easy chldn. Boy was I naive!!! We went and got a bro and sis. I worried about them after meeting them. We didn't know what to look for but thought that Love could get them better. Boy were we wrong. I was so unprepared that things went very bad for over a year. I developed health problems from the stress, my bio kids were not happy campers, my dh felt rejected by them so pretty much ignored them. It was all on my shoulders and it was too much to bear. I almost gave up on the little boy. Now he's the good one and the sis is giving us fits. It got so bad my Mom suggested foster care for her and offered to keep her until such arrangement could be made. Since that happened, life is so much better. I wish so much that I was made out of the same stuff that you people are, but I'm not, and neither is my family. We hope to find a great family like what you all are. We plan on keeping in touch with her - esp. since we want to keep her bro. They seem to be doing much better apart anyway. None of us want the little bro to go. He feels like part of the family, but we don't feel like we can help the sis. We tried for 3 yrs and it just got worse, in fact, it was starting to get more intense and aggresive - she was scaring us. She's doing better now too.
You folks are so incredible! I just dont understand how you do it!
God bless your efforts (and stamina)
Cathy

[crick]

Cathy - I've heard many stories like yours where parents adopt internationally not realizing that there are attachment issues etc. just like there are with children in foster care. Sometimes I think the institutionalized effects are often worse for the children and their healing process. I feel there isn't enough education given to prospective parents of international adoption, just like we deal with sometimes in the foster care education.

I'm sorry for the pain in your family. Have you done attachment therapy with your daughter? Were you ever recommended to the specific therapists that might be able to help? I've often wondered what the support system is like for parents who adopt internationally, if there even is a support system in place. One where you can find the therapy and resources necessary to parent your children.

Speaking just for myself, I don't know that I have so much strength as I do love. Not saying love conquers all, because it certainly doesn't, but I don't know where the strength would come from if I didn't have so much love for my kids. I don't see them as "good kids vs. bad kids", just hurt kids who were innocent victims and need to heal.

Again, I feel for you and your family and hope that your daughter can heal and find a family who can help her do that. Sometimes families are not a good fit for one another and no matter what you do, disruptions do happen. It's a hard road and in my mind, it's that kind of strength that I don't know if I would have; The families who try everything and yet have to be strong enough to do what's best for their children and themselves; even if it means disrupting. The strength to keep living and to find a way to heal after such trauma.

Crick

[JewelMarie]

I have a question for those who adopted domestically from the public system, also, an older child. Does anyone know what happens during disclosure? Who would I need to speak to? What types of questions do I ask? etc?

Thank you,

Jewel

[kamamsm]

I had one discloser where we recieved everything there was about the child. Our second we barely got her name.

[HappyMomAnna]

We recieved all KNOWN information...... But, the FACT of the matter really is that disclosure depends on ALL the players involved.... If Foster Families do noy report things to the case workers--it is not in the file.... The Foster mother of our children said upon our transition meetings that she thought our daughter showed signs of several issues--when asked if she had told the caseworkers she had not---she was NOT SURE they were really things to worry about and she felt it was best that all the therapy and work happen with her forever family--she felt attachment therapy would be a bad thing to do with a child she was helping move toward adoption and didn't want to hurt her by working on it before she moved with us...

We have documentation of every kind about Makala...including her birth records.... but from her birth until her brothers birth four years latter there are few details other then several referals to DHS from people who were concerned. Our children were only in Foster Care for 11 months....we have had them nearly two years and with Makala we have only really started to identify all the things to be worried about...I doubt that foster family had the time to get to the bottom of the really scary things we have discovered over the past two years. If I had been responsible to transition her to another home a year ago I would have had so much less to disclose to a new family....It seems that even with the little ones it does take time to sort things our.

[JewelMarie]

Thank you for sharing about disclosure. I am trying to make sure all my bases are covered? Also, would it be appropriate for me to recommend the child to have up to date vision, physical and dental checkups?

[kburch]

In our case, we actually signed a pre-placement agreement that requires us to take the kids to both a doctor's visit and a dentist's visit within so many days of them moving into our house. I don't know if this is 'standard' policy, but it's certainly a good thing to ask about...

[crick]

Our kids were required by the state to have all the necessary check ups etc. in the foster home and with us up to the finalization. We had forms we had to fill out and the dr. signed to send to the sw. I think every state requires this in some way.

If you can, go back to the beginning of this thread and I think Dadfor2 and others gave a great list of things to look for in the disclosure and questions to ask. At least I think I remember there being some lists.

Crick

[Lorraine123]

We received very little in terms of disclosure. We were told that social services records were confidential and could not be disclosed. Same with therapy records. We were given a synopsis of her history (very sketchy) and some medical information. We were simply told she had RAD, ADHD, LD.

Be sure to focus on getting removal records, therapy records, and that type of thing. Medical records aren't quite as important IMO.

Its frustrating to have an older child move into your fmaily with no history. In fact, we still aren't sure about her birthdate (we have documents with two different dates).

[kat's meow]

Hi! I am new here, but have been reading the boards since summer. My dh and I just signed up with an agency and I am doing alot of reading! Last night I was reading about the pre-adoptive parents and their "rose colored glasses" and I really want us to go into this with our eyes wide open. As I read the posts on this thread, I saw a side of adoption that I have not heard alot about and I have a few questions for you experienced parents. One, are the experiences that you have had very common with adoption in general or just with a segment of the children that are adopted? How old were your children when they were placed with you? How do you make wise choices for the children that are presented to you?

I am sure that I have a lot more questions and just don't know what to ask. Thank you all for sharing your lives (the joys and the pains) with us. It really does make a difference.

Kat

[kamamsm]

My kids were 13, 8, & 15 when placed. I see some traits in all three ( they aren't siblings- these were separate adoptions) that are about adoption ( things you learn in the classes.) I see alot of problems out of one because of the abuse she suffered.
Each child has to be dealt with differently-- just as in non-adoptions. I attribute whatever "wise" decsions I manage to God. Like He equipped Moses to deal with Pharoah (sp sorry) I believe He helps me come up with innovative ideas to deal with the kids. The best thing I can offer is "Think outside of the box." These kids know the box - every crevice.

[Jensboys]

I think the most important thing a new/pre Adoptive parent can do is STOP themselves everytime they justify a story in their head with "Well that wont happen to us because ..."

Expect the BEST outcome but prepare for the WORST. Our boys were ages 3 and 4 when placed with us and only had one foster placement (3 years). Really an IDEAL placement although there were some issues on paper (eg ADHD, ODD, etc). Today they are wonderful, loving, healthy boys. But there were and ARE many challenges along the way.

Always, ALWAYS keep in mind that adopting older children will result in a lifetime of DIFFERENT parenting.

[kat's meow]

Thanks so much! I will take your advise to heart and am so glad that I found this thread before our classes, so that I can read between the lines.
Kat