[SageKitty]

The house is so quiet. For the past year I have been in overdrive. He is gone and I feel empty inside. I have no idea what I should do going forward.... I spent the $ I saved to do this, I have used up all of my time off from work to take the family leave and I have nobody except the cats. Thank god for the cats! This is so sad. I never thought in a million years I would have disrupted. He was suppoed to be my child forever. The more I research, the more I do think he had RAD. I know I could not have done this alone and DSS did help me decide once he became aggressive. Since he left, I have not heard a word from anybody, so I have no idea how he is. I still have most of his things, so I would think in time I will be contacted. It just hurts..... I was so naive.
Sadly,
Sagekitty

[Cobb]

Sage, I ache for you. I lost my three girls six weeks ago. The first weeks were the worst thing I ever experienced. I would wake up, forgetting they were gone, then the realization would hit. There were times when I could physically feel what it was to hug them, the different sizes of their arms wrapped around me... Then this emptiness would hit, that I might not feel that again. For along time I couldn't even talk about it, not that friends really wanted to hear about my sorrow. I am grateful for dh and bio daughter. I don't know how I could survive without them. I hope that you have a friend or family member that is there for you - and who realizes it takes time, as all grief process do. No one should have to go through it alone. We all have waves of anger, frustration at how those making the decisions. But underneath it all is a deep sadness. I wish I could offer you advise or hope, but I haven't gotten to the other side yet. Just know you are not alone!

Be good to yourself,
Cobb

[SageKitty]

Thanks, it is tough as I did this as a single parent. Nobody to turn to as they just do not understand how we could love these hurt children. That is why I post here. I'm sorry for your loss also. All we can say is that we tried.
Sage

[Cobb]

Other people not getting it is soooo hard. I've been so isolated lately. Last weekend was really hitting bottom. While I had subscribed to these forums long ago, I hadn't been on in months. I so regret that when I was going through everything I didn't come here. This morning when I woke up and immediately logged on, I thought how pathetic am I that I want to see if anyone responded. Here I am barely talking to friends... The difference is, that there are people here who get it. Just reading other people's stories helps me feel less alone. Looking back, I didn't realize that I had been living my life at such a high intensity. Some days just hoping I'd make it to bedtime (really an hour after bedtime, since we had issues ), other days thinking not only did I make it, but we made progress. It strips down your priorities, you get a glimpse of what real matters, it changes who you are... Now, everything seems so flat, so insignificant.

Hang in there,
Cobb

[SageKitty]

Cobb:

I know that same feeling. It is like you are in fight or flight and all of a sudden there is silence. I remember being so happy when he went to bed earlier than ten so I could have a few minutes to myself. His anger could come on at the drop of a hat. I no longer have to keep my purse in the bathroom with me. He locked me out of the house twice last month. I always had to be on guard. I'm sure you know that feeling. I got off of here too for awhile and I'm glad I found my way back. It has kept me sane when nobody else understood.
Sage

[Howdy]

{{{SageKitty}}}
I sympathize with the $ and vacation time issues. I'm trying to adopt through foster-adopt, and so far I've had two placements, both of which later moved to family placements instead of becoming adoptable by me.

Now I am down to the dregs in vacation time. The first placement I felt comfortable taking off a week when she came. The second one I only took off a couple days when she came because by then I made a better prediction of how much time off various appointments would use up.

Now I don't see how I could dare take off even one day to welcome the next placement, and I will have to be careful to get a child who has already been in care long enough to have finished whatever extensive dental work they need.

After the first placement the $ was down to dregs too, but by the time I got the second placement I was more aware of how quickly kid activities add up, so I did much better financially with the second kid (also had learned from this board to call toys 'family toys' instead of giving them to the kid, so although I was out hundreds of dollars of toys/books/videos with the departure of the first child, there were only a few replacement toys I had to buy after the departure of the second child.

I don't know if you can do this, but when my last kid was moved to her relative, I boxed up all her stuff and took it to the DHS and they shipped it (after a long delay, at least, I trust that by now they have shipped the stuff).

It was sad and weird (tho also exciting and enjoyable) at first after my fd left, to be on my own again, but now two and a half months later I'm back to my old routine and very happy. I only hope I'm ready for another placement, my last one was a great kid but she took a lot of energy, and I'm having a bit of trouble feeling enthusiatic about getting another placement. After the first one I was very eager for another placement, and the second placement was such a great kid and I hated to lose her, so I'm really surprised at my lack of enthusiam for doing it again. My doctor has me on double iron supplements because I got anemic, so maybe that is why I don't feel any desire for a placement, or maybe I'm still mourning the previous one. I keep hoping her family will change their mind and send her back! Sighhhh.

I'm so sorry your adoptive placement disrupted SageKitty, I wish they would call and give you some assuring info about his new situation. Perhaps the caseworker would give you the phone number of the new placement?

[Cobb]

Sagekitty,

I just looked back through the archives at your posts leading up to this moment. It makes me so mad that you didn't get the information you needed. We asked all the right questions so we could make an informed decision for our family. They lied! I don't know if our decision would have been different, but maybe I could have been prepared. The first months were just figuring out what was going on, educating ourselves. We could have done so much before hand. It's not that I expect SW to look out for the best interest of us as adoptive families, but I have a real problem being prevented from doing that for myself and my family. I was told that they just thought it would be best for the girls to get them here as soon as possible. They didn't want us to say no. If I was a single parent, I don't know where I'd be. I just can't imagine what you've went through doing it all on your own. Again, my heart really goes out to you.

Cobb

[crick]

SageK - (((((((HUGS)))))))))

I hope your pain will lessen over time, but do encourage you to grieve and continue to seek out support. You've been through so much over the last year and need time to heal.

Thinking of you,
Crick

[LoveRiddenDad]

Sage,

I'm so sorry for you, but the truth is, it wouldn't have mattered if you were a single mom or a married mom, or a polygamist mom with 15 husbands and 14 wives to boot. A disturbed child possibly would have been harder in a marriage because he or she attempts to divide and conquer. You just weren't prepared, and I know what that's like.

You'll be a great mom to the right kid.

Mike

[SageKitty]

Thanks to all of you! I did ask the experienced Foster Mom that he came from if she could have raised him without her husband and she said no. She said it was her husband that was able to keep him in line. He has no respect for woman. I don't know if I will try again. If I did it would be awhile since I need to build up time at work again. I had no idea the amount of appointments he required. Thank god I have a good boss. I took two months off to settle him in and he never settled.
The Foster Mom found out that he will not be able to call us for three weeks since they want him to settle in at this new theraputic placement.
Sage

[kamamsm]

Sage- Go do something you enjoy but haven't been able to for this time period... A bubblebath, antique stores, evening with the girls (friends) (or a guy or a girl-sorry whatever your preference.) Sleep in LATE- watch movies- pray ( if you're spiritual) In other words take time to settle & calm your soul. You need to heal. This has been emotionally devastating and that so effects your body too. We care.
Cobb- Don't feel badly because you want to come to people who get it. We do. We know what melt downs are or manipulations, or control issues, or rages. People who haven't been educated by fire generally don't get it. We care.

[Cobb]

Sage, noticed you haven't posted for a couple of days. I've thought about you alot and hope you're doing okay!

((((((HUGS!))))))

Cobb

[SageKitty]

Hi Cobb:

I'm OK. I had a bit of a melt down yesterday that continued into today. A great friend of mine came over and helped me switch my bedrooms around so it no longer looks like "his room". I made his room into a workout/cat room. (All the cat things are in there). I just have to get the wall paper border down. I may just do that tonight. It broke my heart to walk into that room and all I did was cry. I felt better once it was dismantled. I put his brand new bedroom set into my other bedroom and decorated that room very delicate so no signs of boy in it at all. I don't know if I could ever do this again so for the time being I can deal with it. Sad, as it is Saturday night and I have NO desire to go out and do anything. I'm sure in time I'll heal. Thanks for your note. It cheered me up!
Sage

[Cobb]

It makes me feel better knowing you had a friend over. No one should be alone! My best friend came and stayed with us the last two weeks the girls were here. She left the day after we took them to the airport (Sat.), but returned Mon. night. I didn't ask, she just said she knows what it's like and didn't want me to be alone while my dd was at school. (((Hugs))) to all those great friends out there who do get it!

I know exactly what you mean about the room thing. The younger girls room was my dd's before they came. I had painted it for her a couple years ago. Pale yellow on top, medium green on bottom and a painted border in between (hand painted red leaving white flower shapes with orangy yellow centers and polka dots (dots were purple with a white outline) that showed the brush stroke so it ended up looking like a kid colored it in with marker). Oldest daughter took over the office which had a painting technique that looked like chambray fabric. H's room was the former guest room. I didn't want her to be the only one without something special, so I repainted the taupe walls before she came. Pale apple green with vertical stripes every two and half feet. The stripes were 3 inches of medium green - half inch of deep lavender - 3 inches of medium green. Lavender was her favorite color, so I had bought her a comforter cover that was solid lavender with embroidered white daisies. Got a curtain rod with white daisy finials, painted the lamp to match... To undo I would have to sand the walls (the lines were the paint overlaps would show through) and repaint. I just never expected that they would be gone. The first couple of days, I went into the little girls room and curled up on C's bed. Pillow still smelled like her, so it made me feel better. The rooms are together at the end of the hall. Now, I can't even walk down there!

It's hard not to isolate yourself. I keep telling myself I have to join the land of the living, but some days I just can't. Just take care of yourself, surround yourself with people who love you, let yourself cry... I can say that it's getting better, but it seems so slow.

My thoughts are with you,
Cobb

[Cobb]

BTW, we're big cat lovers too. We had three. Two were litter mates that we got when my dd was a year old, one bonded to her. Cali disappeared the day after H was removed - she was a complete indoor car who would tremble in fear if she accidently got outside. We were so involved figuring out what was going to happen with the girls that we didn't have a chance to get fliers up until a week later after all three left. Over 150 fliers later, newspaper ads, countless leads and searches, we are beginning to accept that she's not coming back. It was so hard on dd. She made the fliers and on it wrote, "Please return, she's my best friend!" The loss of the girls, the loss of her cat, it's been pretty hard and confusing for her. Last week I found a little figurine of an angel holding a cat that I got dd to remember Cali by. Sometimes, when it rains it pours...

Blessings,
Cobb