[L8ebug]

Our daughter came to live with us about three weeks ago. She has done pretty well so far, and has even made friends at school. Today she asked if she could go to a sleep over. Some of her therapy has revealed that she may be sexualized or even some sexual abuse in her past. She acted out some when she was a little younger. She is also diagnosed ADHD, which we have been able to control with structure. What should I do about her wanting to go to this sleep over, she wants so much to be a "normal" child. I am just concerned with what level of supervision she would get, and what I should discuss with the parents of the girl that is having the sleep over, or if I should even let her go. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi,

That's a tough one. I'm not sure in 3 weeks of having a new child with me I'd be comfortable with her sleeping over someone's house, even without her past, but that's just me...having said that...

Have you met this other girl's family?
I would not mention her past - these kids get judged unfairly as it is
Have you met the other child?
How long has it been since she acted out?

I have never faced that decision so early on, however, when I have faced it I always felt I should trust them until they prove they can't be trusted (if they ever do). So far that philosophy hasn't failed.

Good luck.

Michelle

[kforkids]

If your little one is in foster care, you will also need to ask the CW. Some sw will not allow aovernights, others will.

I'd suggest having a child at your house fisrt anyway...
Just my 2 cents...

[JewelMarie]

Since your daughter just came home, I agree that there needs to be more time before allowing her to have a sleep over elsewhere. Think about this, if you had a three week old baby, would you allow the baby to have a sleep over elsewhere, even with family right now? Your family needs more time with the child before allowing sleep overs so that you can be aware and know for sure what is and will happen when your child is elsewhere.

I do agree that allowing visits to your home and sleep over at your home will allow you to monitor things more closely.

Jewel

[crick]

I agree, 3 weeks is too soon for a sleepover. There's so much bonding going on right now with your family that it needs to be a priority. And I also agree, 3 weeks is not long enough to determine what behaviors your daughter has and how they will affect her in someone else's home.

If you have not finalized yet, your CW will definitely have to approve of the sleepover and I don't know that she would at this point.

You didn't say how old your daughter is but with the need for structure that you mentioned, that would be enough for me to say "no" at this point. The structured environment would not be there at the friend's house and could un-do what you have been working on.

Maybe you could have your own sleepover with just your family? Make it a jammies night, girl's night, movie night etc. so that she gets something similarly special?

Crick

[kay]

That family sleepover is a good idea, Crick. I agree, it's far too soon for a sleepover, especially with possible issues. She needs to be sleeping at her own home, in her own bed - I would say for at least 6 months. At 3 weeks, she's barely started to adjust to you and your home, and to feeling that it's truly her home now. I missed how old your daughter is?

In any case, again repeating what someone else has said, if she's still a foster child, sleepovers are probably forbidden anyway - unless the other family has been fingerprinted, crime check cleared, etc. And, until you have a clear idea of her issues and how they're likely to appear in her behavior, I'd not encourage sleepovers at your house either. Although kids will try to convince you otherwise, good friendships can still develop without having overnights involved. Just my opinion.

[Peggy]

My daughter had trouble with sleepovers. As badly as she wanted them. She was 8. Now at 11, they are ok if it is someone We know well, and she has spent play dates with the girl. Also we go over the rules of how to behave at someone's home (each time several times before the sleepover). She just had a sleepover cancelled last week, after she was at the house. It is more her ADHD, and playing with the other siblings, and ignoring her friend that are the issues now. Earlier she did require a lot of extra supervision. You can let her know she needs more play dates first, and you need to know the family better. When the time comes, you can also let the family know she has ADHD, and needs a little more supervision than other girls her age. This lets the family know to be more careful without really saying anything to cause them to misjudge your daughter.

[po]

As a foster parent I have just been informed that now the families that are inviting my kids for birthday parties have to have a criminal history before my kids can go. Overnights are not allowed. Other caseworkers that I have had allowed them. I think the rules are changing because of some bad things that have happened elsewhere. It makes it very hard on the kids. I had always been told to treat them like they were mine. Now they want us to keep them in sight at all times. po

[crick]

Po -

That's absurd! I understand the reasoning behind the new rules, but seems to me there could have been a compromise from "everything to nothing". Like, they could have made the rule that if a foster child wants to attend a b-day party, the foster parent or other approved adult attend the party with the child. Let's face it, often times you get an invitation about a week before the party. So even if you can get the parent to agree to a background check, are the checks going to be made within a week and in time for the party? Doubtful.

While they must provide safety for the children, it's sounds like a"good intentions, wrong solution" type of answer.

Sorry to hear this,
Crick

[qs mom]

Maybe you could try the best of both worlds? Although I do believe after 3 weeks at home she may not be quite ready.

What you could do is let her go, put on her jamas and stay an hour past her regular bedtime. Pick her up and bring her home to bed.

She gets to go to the party like 'normal' kids, she just doesn't get to stay. She'll still have alot of fun staying until that time. I'd also be sure to mention to the parents that she needs a little extra supervision. If you remember, there won't be any sleeping going on and hour after bedtime.

I would also impress upon the parents hosting the party, DO NOT hesitate to call me at any time to pick her up. That a change in her schedule could be very difficult and you are MORE than willing to bring her home if need be.

My nieces have had plenty of sleep overs where someone couldn't stay for 1 reason or another, no one thought anything about it. One girl has pet allergies and a severe fear of dogs & cats, she can't handle sleeping there. You might be able use that as a reason if they have pets?