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Originally Posted By Pam

Well, it's been 6 weeks now and the honeymoon is definitely over. Our ten year old son contuously picks on the younger two kids, calls them names, annoys them, makes them cry and especially seems to like making my six year old get into trouble (take the fall for his instigating). Right now, to be honest, I don't even like him and I'm feeling very guilty, but I'm sorry that he is here. I feel overwhelmed. He will not listen to me, no matter what I say. I have to get my husband, and he isn't always home. I have no idea how to make this any better, since he doesn't respond to anything I do. Right now, I am almost in tears. I had him picking on the younger kids all morning long. I want the adoption to work, but right now he probably doesn't feel very wanted, and any time I soften up and talk nicely to him, he promptly walks all over me. Anyone who is considering adopting a child who is older than the kids he or she already has, don't. This is the second time I've done it, and it has been a disaster both times. The older kid, this time, is acting out on my younger kids. And this is with me in the same room. Don't think you can love these problems away or that your adopted child will act differently. Most likely the child will have a lot of issues and be jealous of the kids you already have in the house....and, of course, then they are targets. Older kids are best adopted by people who don't have younger kids at home. The only person this child is not constantly picking on is my fifteen year old. She'd clobber him (I suspect he knows that). Think it over. I"m not even asking for advice. I am past the point where I believe any advice would work.

Pam

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Originally Posted By Lisa

I don't know if you're the same Pam, I backtracked the messages... but if you are the same individual who was so excited about adopting the child from New Jersey, even if you are not, I am sincerely sorry to hear of what is occurring. I noted in your post you stated that the "he is not a behavior problem and she has no idea why he has not been adopted yet" well now you know... Just a little comic relief.

If it helps, I've worked in corrections, I needed the job desperately, it was the only thing available, and I HATED it, I had another co-worker who started a month later, who just cried in her room. Well, we're all still there, and I LOVE my job.... I think not having an option was responsible for my approach.

You can take that for whatever it's worth. Hang in there.

Lisa

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None of us can really imagine what goes on in the minds of these children ... having incurred so much hurt, heartache and pain.

When placed in foster situations, a child generally will be good (as in the adoption honeymoon) and gradually shows behaviors which he feels will be disruptive to the home and thus is moved to a new placement which releases him from any feeling of attachment or responsibility that he has been told will be "permanent, until ...". When placed in an adoptive home it eliminates alot of the anxiety of "forever" and then they settle in ... and as they do - no matter what the age of the siblings there - they become very attached and want the love that they are seeing and feeling and then get selfish ... so enters "reverse psychology" to that situation ... get the others in trouble and lead them into being the bad guys thinking the siblings will be the ones moved and then he has you ... all of you! We experience this in phases that come and go with our placements and just tackle one day at a time keeping the amount of time (including discipline action) consistent and equal no matter what ... This may not be the case but know that as you are encountering all of these emotions/feeling - his and yours - that you need (and want) to consider and look at all the scenarios and this could be a very real one to and for the child. Hope this helps.

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TESTING!
Hi Pam, thanks for filling us in.
Back to work I see!
As you know, it goes:
HONEYMOON
TESTING
DISILLUSIONMENT
COPING
INTEGRATION
THEY BECOME ADULTS AND YOU REST ON YOUR LAURELS
One stage follows each other, and your placement can jump backwards and forwards between them all.
Way back on the 1st or 2nd Board I remember we all discussed the order of placement and the birth order. I think I said something like, "Depending on the child you can sometimes disrupt your family's birth order, but it's always harder than not". Is this placement harder than your daughter was then?
I know now is not the time for advice - rather time to support you. Here's one thought.
All of the behavior we can't stand is just the visible part of the awful fear that lies beneath. Making that fear manageable for us, and then for the child, is the role of an adoptive parent.
----------------------
We're very proud of you and your family.
Graham.

[Archive]

I admire your family's commitment and history in adoptons, your enduring, and I gather from the medical complications and other indicators that this is a "transracial" adoption... I HATE ANY TERMS THAT TREAT INDIVIDUALS AS FREAKS. But there are REAL implications (good olde fashion racism) for individuals who adopt outside their race. and to that I honor, and take my hat off to you guys for your willingness to confront that as well.

I'm AA and was being considered for a young man who is black/bi-racial. I learned later that he had a brother with whom he had contact who was up for adoption as well. I wanted to provide him with a link and contact with his sibling but suddenly I was confronted with the dilemma of "What if his sibling is Anglo." I personally did not have a problem with adopting a child of another race (with an exception that I will explain). But my impression is that American whites (not to be confused with the entire world’s population) appear to feel intrinsically superior (I've stepped on some toes) and I was concerned about the impact of such a child having to explain me as being his father.

On the more personal and selfish side of the exception, I was frankly apprehensive of the white child blowing the illusion of being my bio-child. I know that sounds shallow, just being honest. After some time I decided, "What the hell", if it's my son's brother and that relationship is important to him my ego was immaterial. That resolution launched me into a realm and depth that I hadn't anticipated. By the time it came to my actuarially learning the identity of the child I was excited at the notion of him being of another race.

As life would have it, his brother was bi-racial as well, a great kid, but had just been adapted out to another family. I was saddened, but gratified that I had moved outside my comfort zone.