[Archive]

We had a situation arise yesterday at work that doesn't come up often and I thought I would bring it to your attention. We are trying to place four children (who are wards in Indiana) with their grandmother in Ohio. We initiated the interstate compact request for a home study to be completed and that process took 11 months to complete. We received the completed home study yesterday. This grandmother is married, but the husband refuses to be a party to the adoption.

Under Indiana Code, if a party is married and wished to adopt, then both parties have to agree to the adoption and file a joint petition. We do not allow just one person of a marriage to adopt children. Bottom line is you both do it or it doesn't happen.

I am sure that this isn't true for all states, but in the event that this is the situation,in Indiana , we have to follow the laws of the state holding legal custody of the kids.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Linda

I hope you are thinking very hard about this placement.
I had to talk to my husband a great deal about my daughter before he would consent to foster and then adopting her. And through our marriage he was jealous of the time I spent on her. She had multiple problems and needed my guidance and much attention. He would get angry about that.
After we split up my husband saw her occasionally. Not often. Eventually he made excuses (especially when he was made to pay child support) for seeing her.
Well, he told me that he never wanted her and he only agreed to get her because I wanted her and he wanted to make me happy. I remember her laying on the couch at his place sleeping (or so I thought) when we were talking after I dropped her off and him pointing at her and saying she wasn't real. She heard him. Talk about breaking my heart. When I went to pick her up she said, "I am real you know". Now she doesn't see him at all. He thinks his married lovers child is his. No one knows, but he told her that now that he had a real child he didn't need her. And when she turned 18 he told her that now she was too old for him to have a relationship with.
So you see, if one party doesn't want the child it is a definite bad placement. Relative or not. My daughter is great now. She knows she is loved. She tells me he doesn't know what he is missing by not seeing her. And he doesn't. But my boyfriend of two years has filled in for a father beautifully. He loves her as his own and tells her so all of the time. They have a beautiful relationship. An easy loving father/daughter relationship. But I wish I would have adopted her on my own instead of thinking that you need to have a mom and a dad to make it work. Because she has only seen her father 3 times in two years and she has turned into a remarkable, loving, compassionate young woman all with just a single mom. But as long as you are loved completely it doesn't matter whether there are two parents or one. Just being loved and cared for is what matters.
Families come all different ways. And we are a family.
Just wanted to give you my opinion on the placement. If there are two parents, they both have to be committed to these children. Better off to give them to one single parent who is committed to them than to give them to two just to have a mom and a dad. I know from experience.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Linda

I hope you are thinking very hard about this placement.
I had to talk to my husband a great deal about my daughter before he would consent to foster and then adopting her. And through our marriage he was jealous of the time I spent on her. She had multiple problems and needed my guidance and much attention. He would get angry about that.
After we split up my husband saw her occasionally. Not often. Eventually he made excuses (especially when he was made to pay child support) for seeing her.
Well, he told me that he never wanted her and he only agreed to get her because I wanted her and he wanted to make me happy. I remember her laying on the couch at his place sleeping (or so I thought) when we were talking after I dropped her off and him pointing at her and saying she wasn't real. She heard him. Talk about breaking my heart. When I went to pick her up she said, "I am real you know". Now she doesn't see him at all. He thinks his married lovers child is his. No one knows, but he told her that now that he had a real child he didn't need her. And when she turned 18 he told her that now she was too old for him to have a relationship with.
So you see, if one party doesn't want the child it is a definite bad placement. Relative or not. My daughter is great now. She knows she is loved. She tells me he doesn't know what he is missing by not seeing her. And he doesn't. But my boyfriend of two years has filled in for a father beautifully. He loves her as his own and tells her so all of the time. They have a beautiful relationship. An easy loving father/daughter relationship. But I wish I would have adopted her on my own instead of thinking that you need to have a mom and a dad to make it work. Because she has only seen her father 3 times in two years and she has turned into a remarkable, loving, compassionate young woman all with just a single mom. But as long as you are loved completely it doesn't matter whether there are two parents or one. Just being loved and cared for is what matters.
Families come all different ways. And we are a family.
Just wanted to give you my opinion on the placement. If there are two parents, they both have to be committed to these children. Better off to give them to one single parent who is committed to them than to give them to two just to have a mom and a dad. I know from experience.

[Archive]

Hi smileycake,
Yes, this is a flaw in the theory that lots of relatives will adopt the child in their care if given a chance. For relatives who have remarried, and that could be as many as half, the unrelated spouse has to want to take on the legal responsibility as well as the related spouse. I have assumed this was true in all states - but maybe it isn't.

The reason for married couples having to adopt together is, for the benefit of other board members, because it's an issue of probate and inheritance. You want to insure that the child has access to the funds of the family into which she or he is adopted after the death of the wage-earners.

[Archive]

I spoke to this Grandmother yesterday who argued with me about the Indiana law. (I am not in the position to change it!) She said that her current husband was ok with the kids in the home, but didn't want to have to pay support in the event that they didn't stay together. So of course she indicated that I would hear from her attorney and I responded that I would be happy to. We had a similar situation a year ago with a grandmother here who had her grandchildren from California. The husband of the grandmother resided in Alabama and they had not live together for 25 years, but hadn't divorced. She was shocked that she couldnt' adopt them. And all messages that I got from the worker in LA was that they would allow it. Well, we didn't and that was that. Do you know of any state that allows it?

[Archive]

I don't know of any - the spouse has to sign his agreement to the other spouse adopting on her own at least - and that doesn't remove the support responsibility, at least in community property states. Maybe a lawyer out there knows for sure?