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Originally Posted By Sondra

Everyone in my family and my husband's family is supportive

about us adopting except my husband's mom ( well she says she is supportive but I get the hint that she kinda isnt). Everytime I talk to her, she askes how the adoption process is going and then she starts talking about all the negative factors.She has in her head that all foster kids have too much emotional baggage to bother with. My husband and I already have a bio 5 year old and we are wanting a 8-10 girl and a 8-12 boy. My mother in law thinks that the ages that we are wanting are way too old to have a successful relationship.

Now I know this woman well and I know that once she meets the kids she will change her mind. I know she will not treat them any different then our bio daughter. She is not a cruel person. Sometimes she just gets it in her head that my husband is still a baby and cant make rational decisions with out her input.

The problem is that we wont be approved to adopt for several months. How the heck do you deal with someone like this without killing them? LOL

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Maybe you should let her know that Dave Thomas, Faith Hill, the current Governor of Iowa and a few of the others that were adopted! I am sure she is just worrying and wondering what you are getting in to. I would just smile at her and tell her that you can't wait for the challenge!

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Originally Posted By Pam

I don't really advocate bothering with the opinions of others, even family members, when adopting, but I think adopting TWO kids BOTH older than your daughter is a very bad idea. The best thing for an only child is NOT to have her position in the family upsurged at all. Trust me. I speak from experience. Perhaps if you planned on adopting a younger child your mother-in-law would be more supportative. Your daughter is going to have enough problems, even if she is a very friendly and normal kid, adjusting to a sibling, after being an only child for five years, let alone having to deal with a sibling older than she is. And foster kids DO come with baggage (experience again) and you don't always know how much baggage that is. What if the older child is mean or even abusive to your bio. daughter, which may or may not show itself right away. The five year old will not be big enough to fight back. My feedback is to forget about adopting any child older than your daughter....it's way too risky. We have adopted five kids and been foster parents. Our first adoption upsurged the birth order of my bio. son, and was very damaging to him. If we had adopted a younger child, it would have been a different story. The least of your troubles is what your mother-in-law thinks. Good luck and I hope you change your mind, for your family's sake. Not trying to scare you, but it's worth a serious reconsideration.

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Originally Posted By Sondra

We already discussed this subject on the last archived board. My daughter already has a 12 year old half brother so she has already relinquished the rights of being the oldest and only child. (This has been a subject that I think I have probably talked to 20 people about). I really dont think she will have a problem adjusting to older siblings. Most of the neighbor kids that hang out at our house are btw the ages of 9 and 13. These kids pick on her just like a sibling does (you know how big kids pick on little kids). Yeah she sometimes gets mad, but she knows how to blow off steam and ignore them.

As far as my mother-in-law goes, she has never even read anything about adoption. All she knows is what she sees on TV. Yes, she is right that the kids will have problems, but honestly I think that is common sense. My husband and I are not idiots and are not about to adopt a child because they look cute. I guess you would have to know her. She is always giving input and frankly we dont need her advice. I would rather listen to Graham, Smileycakes, or people like yourself who know what adoption is about and can help us with our decision making.

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Originally Posted By Hattie

You know at least when you are adopting, you get to choose which kinds of problems you take on. With bio families, you just get stuck with whatever! lol

Seriously, I have an aunt with the same type of problem. She is firmly convinced that any child over the age of 5 is going to come with 3 truck loads of problems and will never be able to view me as a parent. My advice? Ignore your mother-in-law's concerns. I've taken the approach of just smiling, nodding and saying, "You could be right. We'll just have to wait and see what happens." It seems to appease my aunt that at least I'm considering the potential negatives.

In reality, I've seen some pretty messed up kids who were under 5. They are too young to process what has happened to them. They don't have the words to express their anger, hurt and fear. It comes out in rages...smeering feeces...destruction of property...agression...etc...etc. Now that isn't to discourage you either, but meerly to point out the opposite of your relative's objections.

You're intelligent folks. Make sure they give you a complete psychological report on any child your considering, along with reports and notes from any counselors the child has been in treatment with. Texas has and will release that information to you once you have been licensed, even before you are selected for a child.

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Originally Posted By Linda

I don't have any biological children. Just one adopted daughter. When we first got her we, and my family, weren't aware of the loads these children carry. We learned...the hard way. My family and friends had many suggestions such as..Why don't you give her back? Well, she was a handful and now that I am trying to adopt again, as a single mother this time, they are full of advice. Don't get an ADHD child (my daughter is ADHD), Don't get an abused child ( my daughter was abused) and so on and so on. You should have seen their faces when I told them I am campaigning hard for a sibling group, ages 3,5,6,&7. Three of which have ADHD and have been abused and neglected. Three have eye problems. One is on Prozac. They can't believe I want them so badly. Yes...I know they have many problems. Yes..I am a single working mother. BUT I have an 18 year old daughter who went through what they are going through and even though she still has some problems she has turned out remarkably well. Her caseworker calls her a definite success story. So you see, even though my family and friends think I am crazy I just smile politely and say " Hmmm I will think about what you said" and just do what I want anyway. You have to do what is right for you and your family and not listen to others. Just give them a smile and thank them for their honest opinion and forget it! I went through some hard times. My family wouldn't babysit for me. My mom would watch my brother and sisters kids, but not mine. When I was in dire straits they would but I heard about it. Be prepared for that. My mom watches my sister 7&8 year olds and the other night when I was talking about the 4 I want she said ...I'm not watching them. I wouldn't ask her to (my father just passed away and my mother is 77) but I was hurt that she would say that so quickly. She will love them I am sure. You should just be ready for the negativity. Some people speak without thinking. Good luck. Do what is in your heart and it will all be alright. Just forgive family and friends for their ignorance to the situation and keep smiling.

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Originally Posted By Jerry

We've had lots of "suggestions" as well. Our decision to foster adopt has taken a long time to make. Ten years ago we would have had a lot of family opposition to our decision, and ten years ago we weren't ready for the challenges and opportunities we are now. Give it some time and WAIT for the right opportunity to talk with her about your decision. Your decision is "YOURS" no one else owns it or can be responsible for it......

As far as disrupting your bio childs position in the family I'd have to agree with the early posts. This is not a good idea. That may be part of your mother in laws casual objection.

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Originally Posted By Sondra

Maybe I worded my previous post wrong. Her objection wasnt Tawni only being 5 us adopting older kids then her. Her objection was adopting older kids in general. If Tawni was 15, she would still object to us adopting a child btw 8-12. She feels that once the child is past the age of 5, they are so screwed up that they arent worth the trouble.

I guess I should have just kept my mouth shut. Now it seams like I am arguing with people on this board.

I explained on the previous board that Tawni has an older brother. She only met him a few years ago and had no problem adjusting to an older sibling. Heck back then when she met him, we didnt even know about the pecking order problems that could happen.

     

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I think their objection was that we "hadn't thought about what we were getting into." You can't convince people ahead of time. It doesn't really work to try! My folks have come around more now since we've been to committee once and weren't selected and they saw how we handled that, and now are looking closely at WHAT and HOW we are doing things and making decisions. Only time will tell, and I know that they will love and participate in our adoptive child's life, but they have hesitations about abuse, emotional problems, physical problems, how it will affect our bio child, etc. (but then, WE have those hesitations, too!!!) I was glad, in a way, to know that it wasn't just my folks alone out there not seeing me as an adult!!! Yippee! That's not really the point of their concern. They are parents concerned for their children, and hesitant about your decision making skills in case you get hurt. Looking at it that way has helped me to be able to discuss with them what, how and why we are doing things. They are then informed that we ARE thinking about what we are doing, and we can get any advice they might have. The thing with advice, wanted or unwanted, is you take it under advisement, and go forward with a decision. Just because we get all kinds of advice (and I do mean ALL KINDS) doesn't mean that it will change or even affect our decisions. Good luck with your adoption, going cautiously and prayerfully forward!

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Please know that noone is arguing with you here ... altho sometimes the way we pass the volleyball back and forth it can seem that way. Most of us here are either folks with placements of older children and understand the expanded challenges that come after placement or are awaiting placement and are preparing for that reality check - they are just attempting to make sure that you are given the opportunity to think about anything and everything under the sun ... and one of the most difficult obstacles in adopting older and/or children with special needs is sharing your dream with family and friends because they don't have the intense caring that you have allowing you to approach and follow such a dream/goal. And ... then once the child or children are placed with you ... at some point you'll be faced with the question of ... are you still sure you wanted to do this ... you are and you will be ...even on "those days" so ... HANG IN THERE AND KEEP FOLLOWING THAT YELLOW BRICK ROAD - it can and will lead you to love for and from a child or children very much needing YOU!

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Please don't feel bad. I get the exact same responses from friends and family. I want a daughter, preferably around age seven. Boy oh boy did my family and friends balk! "By the time they are that age they already have formed their own opinions and you can't change them," They have a mind of their own," They will remember every bad thing that has ever happened to them and take it out on you," There is nothing you can do with them after they turn five." You name it, I heard it. I don't think that any of us attempting to adopt are so naive that we don't anticipate some problems. Maybe some of the problems will be more extreme than we will originally know. However, just because you give birth to a child, does not mean you can anticipate everything that may go wrong. I am probably more naive than most people who post to this board. This will be my first child and I am single. But I have done research, talked with my caseworker, posted to this board and others, talked to anyone who would stand still long enough and read everything I could get my hands on. Hell, I didn't even know what "special needs" meant when I started the process. All of this to say, most people who give you advise on adopting have never adopted, many don't know anyone who has adopted, they have no experience at all in this area, have never read anything or done any research, but that doesn't stop the advise. My suggestion is to remember that they mean well and have good intentions for the most part. (Even if good intentions did pave the road to hell! (smile) Be as prepared as possible and then go for it. God Bless.

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Hi Sondra,
my 2 cents is this....You know your child and you know how she reacts when you interact with other children. If you feel like your daughter can handle sharing mom and dad with other children then go for it!!
And as for the In-Laws, i would ignore the comments/advice because no matter what you say, no matter what book you quote, they are going to think the same way until the child or you proves them wrong.!!
good luck sweetie and God Bless

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People seem to think that having a biological child gives you some sort of guarantee that all will be well, and that if it doesn't it will all be ok because of your blood relationship. The caseworker asked us what we'd do if a child developed learning disabilities, emotional problems, etc. I remember thinking I'd do the same thing that I'd do if our bio child developed asthma, broke a leg or (God forbid) some other serious problem. GET THE APPROPRIATE HELP, whatever that may be. Children, whether bio or not, don't come with warrantees, guarantees, security deposits, etc. You get to be more prepared when you adopt because you get some directions with the package!

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Originally Posted By Pam

Since she IS younger, and we've fostered many kids, I'd ask for a child who does not have a history of sexual abuse (they can act out on younger kids) or reactive attachment disorder (my girlfriend had a child like this and she tried to choke her sister and set the house on fire!). We just adopted a ten year old who has never been a behavior problem and, while they are rare, with little ones around, we felt we had to hold out for a child like him (he is wonderful!). As for mom-in-law, I wouldn't waste time arguine with her or even trying to rationalize with her. I've learned that if you want to adopt, especially in an unorthodox way, you have to be very sure of yourself and what you are doing and not let anyone, including extended relatives, get in the way. My suggestion, which we've had to do, is to change the subject (like you didn't even hear the crack) as soon as she brings it up. It gets the point across without being rude. She raised her family the way she wanted to, now it's your turn. Two states that are very cooperative about interstate adoptions, and that have TONS of kids, are NJ and Illinois, if you are open to other races (our kids are African-American). If you feel you have to adopt a caucasian child, I'd check the waiting children of Iowa and Kansas...most of them are caucasian, although MANY of them are teenagers....a little older than you'd like. Good luck and I'm sorry I misunderstood!!!

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Originally Posted By Jerry

You're right you did talk about your situation on the previous board and I did read it. Sorry I didn't recall it earlier. Everyone's family dynamics are different. Tawni (sorry if the spelling is wrong) could do very well with an older sibling in the home. It's usually the exception though. It sounds as though you've given this a LOT of thought and aren't entering into this lightly. Some of the reaction you are getting is from folks who've made mistakes (doesn't mean that this would be for you) and wish they could do it over. I've never met a parent who hasn't made a mistake. We've certainly made ours. Don't let ir bug you. We are very thankful for what this board offers to us as foster/adopt parents of special needs kids. Sometimes we get a little too excited about "helping" others. I think your mother in law will soften to the idea the more you can share with her about specific children.

Just as a note we talked with our Caseworker yesterday about the girl we had inquired about (borderline intlellectual functioning) and her caseworker has us in the running with four other families. Not the "best" news but at least we made the "first cut!"