[Sherry]

Hello all! It's been a long time, but I think of all of you often and check the board periodically.

It's been 15 months since A came to live with us and he's just great. He's 14 years old, and we are homeschooling this year. He's learning so much, and I am so encouraged!

He was labeled 'borderline' intellectually when he was six. I had him retested last year and he was given the tag 'low normal'. He gained several points on his IQ tests, with his performance being normal and his verbal being low--which indicates learning disability. He processes very slowly, but learns well.

I really think he just missed out on being taught, (his mother is mentally retarded, and tried to raise him alone for 9 years) and being LD has left him WAY WAY behind, but I also believe that in the next four years of high school at home he will make tremendous progress.

Here's my question. He sees that he's not where his friends are when it comes to studies. He's beginning to wonder why.

At the end of this month we have achievement testing. His little sister happens to be gifted and will score all 97+ on the tests. I'm sure he'll score well below 50. I also know he'll be aware of the difference.

I want to prepare him for this. What do you think about me explaining his mother's mental deficiency as part of the reason? He still has contact with her, a phone call every other month. I think he knows she's not 'real smart'. He has come to understand that he's not with her because she 'smokes and drinks' and won't stop, and so he was adopted.

How much to tell? What to say?

I want to encourage him that this is a temporary situation and that we all believe he has the potential to learn and 'catch up'.

He does have pretty good self-esteem. I just want to keep it that way :-)

Advice?

SHERRY

[Indy]

This conversation just took place in my house last week. M (Asperger's) was remarking that he would like to have the classes the L (developmentally disabled) has. They are easier and L does not have home work. L was standing right there. So the conversation was "forced" on me.

I took the approach of pointing out the differences as strengths. M is good at remembering specific details about electronics. L is good at "fixin" things. I think that has satisfied their questions, at this time. The conversation is like talking to your teens about sex...give information, but don't overwhelm them.

Hope this helps...

[lucyjoy]

I'm not sure about using the mother as a reason simply because if he hears like my teens he'll process-my mom wasn't smart so I might as well quit trying and accept that I'm dumb.

I'd tell him somewhat what you said here. He didn't have the opportunity to learn as much when he was younger. It will just take him longer and he'll have to work hard to catch up.

[newMafamily]

I would tell him people are different and they learn differently. There are lots of things that contribute to learning including the teaching you get, and how easy it is for you to file things in different parts of your brain. Some people find it easier to file some things then other things (point out his strong and weaker points, maybe). There are also things that make it easier or harder to learn like drugs, sleep, or distractions. A standardized test is a snapshot in time. I am not sure if you have to give him the test, I don't particularily like them and they make my son anxious. I always tell my son they are scoring the school on what they think is important, it doesn't mean those things are any more important then other things he knows of is good at. Hope that helps.

[momtutu]

I tell my children that smart doesn't get you any where in this world, hard work does. There are plenty of extremely intelligent people in jail and on government support because they never were taught to work hard. There are also plenty of people with low to average intelligence who are very successful, and lovingly support themselves and their families because of a good work ethic.
Lisa

[leenab]

I would try to explain it this way:

Everyone's brain works differently. For example, let him know that you can do things he can't, and he can do things you can't. It's best to point out strenghts rather than focus on weaknesses. Find out what he's good at and let him know, praise him for it.

I think the most important thing is that your son like learning.

I'm currently homeschooling Raj. And at first he was very upset about being behind in everything. He was in constant competition with O. So I started to point out Raj's strengths and let him know that I knew he was great too. At the time: Raj was a little 4yr old who didn't even know his colors, and O was advanced and knew how to write his name at 3yrs 3 months.

So anyway I explained to Raj & Om that everyone is different. Then I let Raj know that it's not his fault that his brain works differently. Raj was also severly neglected by his parents, O was not. Raj was developmentally delayed (now on target & ahead), ADHD, SID possible FAS.

I have been homeschooling Raj since June and have found that he has different ways of learning than most children and needs a very very structured environment. At first it was REALLY difficult and I wondered if I could actually homeschool Raj and have him succeed. Well he's been amazing and is caught up. His speech therapist let us know she'll be discharging him in a few weeks. His OT says he's caught up but still has SID & ADHD so we'll be seeing him to help with the SID& ADHD. Right now we're working on learning to read. In July his pediatric neurologist told us he pretty much had FAS and was going to need services the rest of his life and wouldn't catch up. This was dropped on our head a month before adoption. He said the chances of Raj going to college were very low and to expect trade school from him at the most. I can't wait to see the pediatric neurologist at the end of the month. I can't wait for Raj to show him how he can read and write and recognize & write every letter of the alphabet & their sounds, count and be "normal". Sorry to go off here. I've just really been through it with drs.

Anyway my point is that children in the right environment can make HUGE leaps and bounds in learning. I have become a huge advocate of homeschooling special needs children. (Trust me I never thought I would be on the homeschool side of this. But I've learned so much in the experience, as has Raj.)

A question: Do you homeschool your daughter? I just ask because I know the rivalry which can occur if you don't. We don't currently homeschool O as he doesn't have any problems and his cw wants him in a preschool program. Right now I'm wrestling with the idea of homeschooling him after adoption. The down side to his preschool experience at school has been the picking up of other children's bad/inappropriate behaviors. These behaviors have defiantely disrupted life in our home for O. For example the other day we were taking a walk outside. O saw a bird hopping in front of us and said, "I'm going to kick the bird and kill it." And he kicked the bird before I could say anything. I asked him if it was a nice thing and he said , "no." He definately knows better, but told me his friends kick. He's also picked up so not so nice language. His peer group is definately less than desirable, and we live in a city/urban area. So pull O after adoption or let him stay in the preschool???? BTW I feel like O's behaviors are partially because Raj is being homeschooled and he's sent out to school. There is definate jealousy there. Also Raj has passed O by in terms of academic knowledge, and O has recently realized this when Raj read O some of a book.

???
LeenaB

[kamamsm]

I wouldn't share the results of the achievement tests with him. Tell him he did well and forget it. He did well ( for his ability). I orchestrate the achievement tests in our area. I constantly tell our parents what I'm convinced to be true, that an achievement test will not define your child. I believe that God defines your child. Even those who don't believe in God recognize that there are many gifts, qualities, & characteristics in people which cannot be measured by tests. I once knew a man who couldn't read;he could barely write his name, but he could work a team of mules and produce a beautiful crop. Who says his accomplishment is less magnificent than the poet laureate?

[Sherry]

Most of the advice here I've already been implementing...especially when A was in public school last year. When I sugget explaining about birthmom, what I want to say is that since birthmom is retarded she wasn't able to TEACH him what many children learn from thier moms when they are little. So now he can learn those things he didn't before. Not that he has blonde hair because she does....do I make sense?

It could lead to a discussion about why birthmom placed him in foster care. I believe he's angry still that she did not do what she needed to do to get him back, but the truth is she chose foster care for him, and when she saw how well he did she knew she couldn't do as well and wanted better for him, and so gave consent to the termination by staying away from the courtroom.....she was in agreement but couldn't bring herself to actually say it on the record. (again, good reason for the continued contact)

It's a really unique situation in that A wasn't abused, mom was simply incapable, and copes with her disability through drugs and alcohol.

A is homeschooled, as well as his little sister. Another daughter, who is the middle child, goes to public school. The achievement tests are not required for A (they are required for 3rd, 5th, and 8th grade) BUT, all of our homeschool friends, including his buddies, will be there taking the tests regardless of age/grade, I was going to skip it until I realized my daughter is in 5th and required to go. AND to be honest, I WANT that snapshot in time - it's a baseline for me as his teacher to begin to measure tangibly his progress.

I think to keep him out of the testing would make him much more uncomfortable than to take them.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate all your support!

Blessings,
Sherry