[SageKitty]

I have been dealing with the school. agency and everybody else that knows he will be leaving. It stinks! I am spent and it is hard to listen to people tell me that this is the best thing. I know that, but I have to put up the front for the next three, plus weeks so that he does not find out anything. I just want to cry all of the time. He asked me when I will be adopting him today. I feel terrible! Since the rages are really an issue they are just going to tell him and take him when the time comes. He will have no chance to say goodbye to anyone. His therapist is wonderful, but feels he will have a total melt down and be so out of control that there is great potential that someone will get hurt if he has advance notice. Thank God they may have an experienced two parent home for him to go to. I just feel so bad.......
Sadly,
Sagekitty

[lucyjoy]

I will never understand why they lie to kids. I guarantee you this child already knows what's going on-that's why he asked. My kids will tell you that this is the one thing that sticks with them still-the deception about moving.

You are in a terrible position and I have been so angry reading your threads. You've been lied to, had a child placed with you that should have been placed with a trained family(he'd moved 5 times and they'd have to be stupid not to know this), you've been blamed, told you're the problem-You do not deserve to be treated like this!!

If you ever feel the desire to adopt again after all you've been through, you will make a wonderful mother to the right child.
There are kids who do great in single parents homes. This child isn't one of them and needs his paperwork ammended to say so.

Is this your decision to keep him a few more weeks or are they just guilting you into it to avoid finding him a placement? When this is over, be sure to find a way to heal be it counseling or a long vacation. There's nothing like having your heart ripped out to really send your life spinning.

I am so sorry you've been treated this way. (I feel bad for what's been done to this child, also-but right now, I'm thinking about you). The state had no right to act like this was your fault when clearly this is not new behavior for this child. His file should have contained his information, not the SW sugar coated stuff that says he just needs love and stability. You deserve a break and some peace in your life. Once it's been decided that a child needs moved-it needs to be done immediately. The waiting is bad for all concerned.

[SageKitty]

I feel so sad for him. They asked me how long I would keep him so they could find a new home. I told them one month. I did not want them to take him and put him in god only knows how many more homes in just that one month until one correct one is found. My heart is broken and I cannot ever see me taking a chance again. My entire life I have wanted to be a Mom. I have had this paperwork for ten years! I worked three jobs to save up and pay down my mortgage so that I could do this. I changed jobs and built up my army of support only to have my entire world crash. My heart will never be the same again. No matter what I will always love this little boy. I wish I knew how to keep him safe. I have no idea if I will ever know if he will be happy. What do I do if they can't take all of his things?
Devestated,
Sagekitty

[StacyM]

My heart goes out to you. I haven't read your past threads, but from what I can tell reading this one, it has been a very traumatic experience for you. My husband and I had a similar experience last year and it is heartbreaking. I could go on and on about how our world was ripped apart, but what I really want to express to you is that you will heal with time. You may likely even get over the trauma of your experience and one day want to try again. I was able to do that and trust me, if I can, you can as well. I know it is hard right now, but lean on your family and friends...and get therapy if possible. Take time, take a vacation and just do things that make you feel good, then after a while you can process things on a more clear level and decide if you want to try again.

Good luck to you!

[rindava]

the lie

I was in a similar situation four years ago with a sib group of 3 (they were going for TPR, then they weren't ect....) the main SW and fought like cats and dogs, and it never got any better.....they came to me with a plan of me keeping them 3 more months and then placing them back with crack head b-mom for Christmas....I said well then they need to go.....

But that really isn't about you or this boy....

1st are you really wanting to disrupt the placement????If so the kid really needed moved ASAP, not in a month.......and he needed to go to theraputic foster care (odds are he will just end up where ever in month anyway)

2nd these kids need the truth as much as possible......

That Dave Pelzar guy in one of his books, he talked about how he wouldn't even wash his clothes because one of the moves he lost everything, so for years he kept his clothes in a bag and wouldn't wash them.....

[wenrl]

I know that this is one of the last things that you are ready to think about right now, but I have to say it, because your last post really made me so sad. It sounds like you have done so much work to get to where you are and really have all of the tools you need to succeed with the RIGHT child.

You've been done wrong and I know that your heart is broken. I hope that you are able to heal from this and when you do, I also hope that you are able to keep your heart and mind open. What is meant to be will be, but from all that you have done and all of the thought and time you put into being a parent, I really do not think that this is what was meant for you.

I am not religious or a believer in much of anything, but I do believe that when we have a stong drive for something, there is a greater reason. I think that we really have a feeling for what we are meant to do with our lives and it is our duty to pursue it even when it falls apart and we think we cannot possibly go on.

What you were asked to take on was not fair to you or your child, but also it wasn't fair to some other kid out there somewhere in the future that really needs all that you have to give. It is a shame that you were badly matched and a wonderful mom was maybe burned beyond repair. There are kids that need someone just like you. Unfortunately your first placement wasn't one of them. He needs something else. Take care of yourself first and do whatever you need to do be healthy and feeling better. I can tell that you are in a lot of emotional pain and you need to recover as best you can before anything else, but also don't give up forever if the need to parent is still in you. There are children who need you and this does not have to be the end for always.

Sorry, I know that it is none of my business and I don't know you, but I had to say it.

Be well,
Wendy

[dadfor2]

sage,

i agree with lucy on this issue. the child already knows. I know for us, my child knew something was up when he was in the hospital.

thats why they told him when they told him. these kids know more then we give them credit for..

we have been talking, and i know how hard this all is. hang in there....its heart wrenching, but it does get easier.

dont worry about his things write now....it will just add more to the pain....

keep posting. it helped me when i wrote things down and someone one was on the other side understanding.

I wish my son was going into a theraputic foster home, but they dont think he can handle it.

anyway, just wanted to extend my support....

dadfor2

[kay]

I have to agree with Wendy. I've been reading your posts with sympathy, but at a distance, if that makes any sense - not letting them touch me. This last one finally broke through and moved me to tears. I have been there. The pain is unbearable, and you can't understand why you were so strongly called to something, only to fail. I have never felt so worthless and in such despair, both for the child and for myself. My sympathy, my empathy, and my tears are with you. I don't understand what workers think they're doing when they sugarcoat or downright lie about the truth about these kids, and their needs. They aren't bad kids, and they aren't a lost cause, but they need a specific kind of family, specially trained and capable - and no amount of "guilting" on the part of the workers is going to make a bad match work. It doesn't serve the child who has to go through yet another disruption, and it doesn't serve the adoptive mom or dad who would be the perfect parent in the right circumstances.

All I can do right now is cry for and with you, and encourage you to take good care of yourself. Cry when you need to, don't give yourself any deadline for healing, use your support system. Yeah, this isn't what they thought they signed on for, but sometimes it works that way. I will always honor the friend who took the day off (volunteered, I was in no shape to ask) to help me pack up my "daughter's" things.

Eventually you do heal. The feelings don't go away, they'll always be there under the surface (to emerge when you least expect them, as today when I read your post!) The love you feel for your child will never go away. Someday you might even heal enough to try again. I was astounded to look within and discover that the calling was still there. It took me about 6 months to come to that decision, and about another 6 before my son came home. The experience was as different as night and day! When the match is right, there will still be problems, but they're no longer insurmountable. I will always miss and mourn what might have been, but I'm so thankful that I found it in me for one more try.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son.

[SageKitty]

Thanks to all of you. I have good moments and bad. I cry and then I feel more angry and then I feel mad. They are talking to a new family next week. My decision to do this did not come lightly. I will take the time I need to heal and see what happens. At the moment I am too drained to even think about doing this again. I just wish it was over with as it is hard to keep up a front for him. I wrote him a goodbye letter that hopefully he can digest later. I made him a book of all the adventures we took. Hopefully someday he will be glad he has it and will truly find happiness. A child that sleeps with five flashlights is not at peace. I just wish I could tell him since I have a feeling he knows something is up.
Quite simply,
Sagekitty

[dadfor2]

"A child that sleeps with five flashlights is not at peace."

sage,

my older would only sleep with all his lights on his room. Then eventually, with all the night mares and night terrors, we had to put a cot in our room next to our bed.

(dont tell DSS)

my son was never at peace, and still isnt...my heart is with you, as you know, just hang in there.

its great that you made a book and a letter for him, that must of been very painful for you to do.

I have tried to right him a letter, but i just cant seem to get my thoughts down without it sounding so sad, so im not just ready to write that letter., but i will...once i stop crying everytime i start.

hang in there

dadfor2

[Just Julie]

My heart aches for both of you with what you are going through with these precious children who are so troubled. It must be a very long and painful journey. I'm praying for peace and healing for all concerned.