[Lorraine123]

I am really feeling down lately and I guess I just need to vent my frustrations.

My story, in case anyone doesn’t know – I have two biological sons, ages 13 and 16. My husband and I felt “called” to adopt a special needs child. Our daughter was placed with us at age 6 and she has been with us for 1 year and 3 months. She was severely abused and neglected. She has RAD, PTSD and other problems, but those are the hardest to deal with.

We thought we were making some progress. While she isn’t attached to us, she would show some empathy on occasion. Her rages, which were several times a day in the beginning went away. She hadn’t raged for several months. She was doing well in school. She had made some friends. She was beginning to express emotions appropriately. We were feeling somewhat hopeful.

In spite of all the progress, the past few weeks have been really hard for me. I have been feeling like her babysitter or even her therapist more than her mother. I realize that’s part of mothering a child with RAD, but its really been getting to me lately. I just feel drained. Some days it takes all I have to deal with her. Even though she isn’t doing anything particularly bad, her RAD behavior is just grating on my nerves.

Then to top it off, she seems to have regressed in the past week. She has begun raging again. She also started something new. She is claiming that her birthmom is going to come get her and rescue her from us. Never mind, that her birthmom has a restraining order and can’t see her. In her case, her birthmom didn’t do the abusing and neglecting, her boyfriends did. Therefore, my daughter doesn’t see her birthmom as being abusive.

I think I’m just going through a down period. Is there hope? If she is like this forever, I can deal with it, but I just hope things do change for the better. I want so badly for her to be a “normal” little girl. Will it ever happen?

[bumpkin]

Lorraine,

I'm afraid I can't speak from experience but jus twanted to offer some cyber support. I have read many of your posts and know you to be a thoughtful and caring woman. I just can't imagine how difficult day to day life can be and it makes sense that at times it could get to you. You are right, it probably is a down period for you and you just need to feel it and then come out the other side. Sometimes if you give yourself a couple of days for this little party you will feel better.

Another thought would be to try and get some time away if that's possible. If that's not possible why not try a change of scenery with the kids - maybe apple picking and a quick overnight somewhere, look and see what's within a 3 hour drive. I find that, at times, I have to kind of create that "Ozzie and HArriet" atmosphere and then the flood of parental pride, love and that special feeling that everything is right with the world comes over me. (It's good for the kids too).

Best of luck

Bumpkin

[mckenna]

i posted this under the thread i had started but wanted to make sure you saw it here also. good luck to you and your family. you are in my thoughts.

sorry to hear that things seem to be at a stand still. my attachment specialist told me that sometimes kids actually regress right before they are starting to get better and not to be discouraged. that is definatly what happened with my son. about the last week i was staying home with him, i lost it, i felt like i just took this whole month off and he is actually getting worse. that was the turning point, however and after that little set back he got so much better each day. glad my story can give you some hope

[Jenna599]

hang in there... i know i havnt been doing this nearly as lon as some of you, but weve had our good days and our bad days, and theres always another one of each around the corner.... just hold out for those good days
ill have to cut this post short because the cat is in my lap and is getting jellous of all the attentions the keyboard is getting LOL

[wenrl]

Hi Lorraine,

Although we haven't been in this as long as you, I just want to offer some support. We seem to have a week of feeling down and frustrated and then a week of feeling positive and successful.

Our daughter has been going through a mom stage this month, probably because she is turning 8 on Saturday and birth moms have a lot to do with birthdays. We found this interesting as she doesn't really know her mom very well and hasn't experienced this stage before. Although the therapist says that it is a good sign that she feels safe to go through new or repressed emotions, the rages and then the blaming it on, "I miss my mom," were no easier to handle. We have tried to talk to her about her mom and birth family and ask her lots of questions about her favorite memories, things she remembers about her etc. It seems to help a lot and make her feel better. This week, we seem to be on the other side of it and feeling good about our relationship. She has wanted to talk about adoption a lot and found out that we are not allowed to sign the paperwork for her adoption until she has been with us for six months. She told us that is stupid, because she wants to be adopted now. She told us that she likes being in our family, because she can talk about anything she wants, which gave us that "we are doing the right thing here" feeling.

You'll get that feeling again. Although you are more experienced than I am and I do not know how you handle these tough times, my unseasoned advice is to not engage in the "my mom is coming for me" battle, as difficult as that may be. Perhaps you can follow it up instead with an, "I understand that you miss your birth mother. Tell me about it. What was your favorite thing about her?" It might help with the raging too, if she feels that your relationship with her is not a competition with her birth mother and that you are there to support her confusion and intense emotions and loss. That seems to help us anyway.

Our daughter has already proven in the short time that she has been with us that she regresses before she improves and then she regresses a little bit less the next time and improves a little bit more after that.

Things will get better. Hopefully soon. Good luck to you!

Wendy

[Lorraine123]

Thank you all for the kind replies. It really helps.

I think I've figured out why I feel kind of defeated lately. We are finalizing soon (hopefully) and thats another milestone in the process. Its made me stop and look over the past year+ that she has been with us. While we have made tremendous progress, I sometimes feel that the progress is superficial. We have helped in some of the symptoms, but no real progress in the core issue - attachment. I shouldn't say no progress because there has been some, just not what I want. I'm being terribly impatient here. I'm not dealing well with the two steps forward one step back philosophy. I'm ready to just forge ahead. But I know attachment doesn't happen on my time table.

Anyway, I'm taking some of the above advice. My daughter and I are going to be home alone on Saturday (everyone else has plans). We are going to the library (they have fun activities on Saturdays), then lunch, then to the park (weather permitting), and then some time alone. I plan on totally enjoying my time with her.

I do believe this regression means she is ready to move forward again. By looking over the past year, that seems to be the pattern. So, I will be posting shortly about our wonderful progress!!!!

[dadfor2]

lorraine

you know i had those days...lol

its funny, sometimes we worry so much about our kids that we sometimes lose ourselves in the process.

and then...boom....it all feels so hopeless...

but then the sun comes up....its a new day, and on we go.

with you finalizing probably has you looking too deep at everything.......and when your tired and maybe just worn out, it doesnt paint a pretty picture.

just hang in there......the sun will shine again....ive read your posts....you know how to do this adoption thing...in the end, it wont be for nothing......


dadfor2

[Lorraine123]

you know how to do this adoption thing

I'm still laughing at that one.....

[dadfor2]

lorraine...

well, im glad you laughed....even if it was at my own expence.

but i have read alot of your posts.

give yourself some credit. i have listened and learned from you. just dont cut yourself too short.



dadfor2

[mumoffour]

Sometimes parent hood Stinks!!!
Sometimes the constant whining, lack of appreciation of what we have done for them, the Lack of reciprocation of our love time energy etc. Hurts like billieo!!!

Somedays just getting out of bed is a real pain in th eneck!

It is not necessarily anything to do with the specific problems an dissues we have to deal with, whether it is attachment issues, health issues or just being Mum instead Tina. Sometimes parnethood is just so darn hard I feel sad, depressed, hard done by!

Lorraine, stop beating yourslef up about it. You are allowed to find it hard, sould destroying, lonely whatever negative feelings you have are allowed!!!!!

Once you have allowed yourself to grieve whatever disappointment or heartache you have suffered, you will then find the courage and the strength to pick yourself back up and carry on.

I love my kids with all of my being....but sometimes you can just have too much of a good thing!!!

Our family issues are totally different to yours. We adopted kids with health issues, disabilities and life threatening problems. We chose these kids because they had these problems and there are some people who just do not understand that even though we took them on because of their problems it still hurts like crazy to see our kids ill, suffering, in hopsital and as in three cases finally dying. The times i have been told...well you knew He wsa not going to live long when you took him on....or you knew she was going to have these probelms didn't you?
Yes I knew, but it doesn't mean I am totaly hardened to all the pain suffering and death or fear of death I live wwith daily.

We were in the process of adopting another disabled baby this year, Sadly she died three weeks ago before we had ever heald her in our arms. Very few people understnad our grief, the fact tha twe have lost our daughter just not enter into their heads.
This last three weeks we have felt so sad and empty at tiems, and yet we know we will carry on, we will adopt again and it will be a medically fragile child with physical and learning difficulties. We will love them with all our being as we do the four we have living now, but there will be days when I may scream at them to go away and leave me alone....particulalrly at 3 in the morning!!!

Hugs and more hugs.

[tybeemarie]

Lorraine,

I have zero experience with what you are dealing with. I just wanted to offer cyber support and to express my admiration for your amazing attitude. I am so impressed that you were able to take people's advice and plan a nice day for you and your daughter. What a great mom you are!

Tina,

My sincerest condolences on the loss of your daughter. I am so sorry for your loss, and I am also sorry that you do not get the support from the community around you that you deserve. People are generally uncomfortable about grief, crazy about adoption, and very dense about the value and worth of the disabled. Your tragic situation combines all 3 of these things. How deeply painful it must be to have people minimize your grief! Bless you and your family for putting your hearts on the chopping block again and again, for sacrificing of yourselves so that these children can live in a family and have love and happiness. I know these children are a great blessing to you as well.

Tina and Lorraine,

Both of you should take good care of yourself. The type of parenting you have embraced can really be so draining at times. You deserve to have peace and happiness in your life. Bless you both for making a HUGE difference in these kids' lives!

[HappyMomAnna]

Lorraine--I didn't realize we were only five months ahead of you in our placement times!!!! Makala and Jeremiah have been with us now 1 year and 8 months!

.....and it seems like you are there when I need your support---and I think it has become very clear that you and I have daughters who could be sisters!

I know how you are feeling.

I was so surprised that after a year and a half many of my ideas--and the things I thought were OK ended up not to be the case... I was surprised that it takes sooooooo long to really get to know our children.....if I even have gotten to know her yet?

I havn't been online that much lately because of all the WORK it seems to take..... and how tired I am at the end of the day. I have had to take a little more time for ME when I can.....and I have had to clear my head.

................I remember being told this would be a long road. And thinking to myself---that's OK I have what it takes. Truthfully I do and I Know you do too but, some days knowing I can make it is not what I had in mind when I chose this mothering job.

................For me the past four or five months have been as much about ME and my feelings as it has been about dealing with Makala. Realizing that maybe no matter how much I love her--we might not really have what I thought we would. I have had to set aside my Super Mom cape and get on my knees and beg the man upstairs to keep his word and not allow me to face more then I can deal with.....

I have had to give in to Diagnosis that I rejected originally. Tell friends and family things We really never wanted to hear our voices say....and accept my abilities, my feelings, and my own weaknesses....because YOU and I both know how a RAD kid can find those and make them show and grow.....

There were some days this past summer when I honestly thought to myself--"I could care less--I will feed her---teach her what I can--dress her---send her to school---and let the chips fall where they do....but, I don't think I care if it all ends up bad or good....I don't really care how everything ends up..." My best is all I have to give her. There were days I was not even sure how much I honestly loved WHO she is.... I can love her enough to care for her.....

Then we went on vacation to see my mother and Step Father and half way into our visit Makala had a big blow out....and it really upset my step father. Enough that he was a jerk about it. And actually said:

"When you get a dog that bites and you know it bites it is your responsiblity to not inflict the dog on innocent people!"

OH MY GOSH!!! The moment I heard these words I was enraged! I could not believe a grown man would compair a beautiful little girl to a dog! I relized right then How much I love her! and I battled and spoke for her benifit.

.......and then right there in my mother's home I bawled and whaled and sobbed my heart out.... because I did understand how much I love her....and I did know that I would lay down and die for her....and that I am so much more then just a baby sitter or a therapists.... that I am HER mother---the only chance she really had to feel the love of a mother..... and that I do want more for her then just survival--just getting along--I want the world for her.

The change that day was NOT her change it was mine.

NO things are not different in her because I changed--they are different in me. No I still cannot stand the rages--the RAD behaviors--The all that I have to deal with in any given day. But, I am able to cope better now.

And...... I am not obsessing about everything....or over analyzing every meaing in every battle of the day. I might or might not be able to see the day she heals....I might not like the life she goes on to live---I might not have control over much of anything....but, I have control over myself---and my love and I do know that it is unconditional..... and I trust that the big guy upstairs didn't give me more then I could deal with--he gave me what I can deal with even if the outcome is different then my dreams were....and the rest is all one day at a time.

[riley6]

My youngest son finished attach ther this summer. His last full blown rage was around March/April. I can't really remember. I do remember what he said during it though. He thought his bmom was dead. I assured him that she wasn't, if she's ever hurt or anything, his gma would call me. He then started telling me how none of any of this was his fault. She never did anything wrong...blah, blah, blah. It was weird, bc he hardly ever really talked about her. He'd mention it if we went past a familiar location or ate at a familiar place. But never really talked about her and what she did or didn't do concerning fc.

As it turned out, this rage was right before a break through for him. The break through was about what happened to him and why he was "taken" away. We always tried to emphasize that he was "placed in a safe home", but he used the words taken away during that rage. He was starting to process all that he had been through. I stuck with him, holding him, as hard as it was. He was transferring all his rage at his bmom onto me. At the end it was one of the turning points for me. Up to that point, although I loved him, it was a struggle for me to really feel bonded with him. During that rage something happened to me, I can't explain what, but afterwards I knew that I would step in front of a train to save his life. I was struggling up to that point though. It had been three VERY long, hard years!

All I can say is that sometimes it's the stormiest right before the sunshine. Hang in there!