[dadfor2]

i just got a message last night to tell me that they are telling my son that he wont be returning home.

i just want to hold him when they give him the news, but i cant.

its killing me.....didnt sleep at all last night thinking about it...i hope they know what they are doing....I just felt like calling them and saying...."please..your making a terrible mistake, put him on the risperdol and let him come home in case it works...." but they wont..they made up their minds...this stinks!!!!!

yesterday i brought my younger son to his orientation of kindgerten...he was so nervous....

of course when we got there...all the chairs and tables were taking where the kids are making a drawing....so we had to go to the back of the room, where a table was without the crayons and paper and sit and wait......i felt like such an outsider.

the teacher was going around taking pictures of the kids, individual to put up on the board...but my son didnt want his picture taken....he had his shy face on...

then as the time went on...i got him coloring and trying to get him involved....we stayed while other parents and their kids left....i just wanted him to feel comfortable..and i thought that with less people in the room, he could take it all in...

then, he finally agreed to get his picture taken..so we went up to the teacher and I said that he is ready to take his picture now...

I wasnt pushing the picture on him, i just didnt want him left out...(my issue probably.)

when she took the picture....she said "oppppssss,,,out of film..sorry...can you bring in a picture of him tomorrow...."

i was so angry...how can you run out of film...so today...guess what?...my son stands out again...all the kids have a picture of themselves from an automatic camera on their first day of school and my son has a regular picture of him, surronded by pumpkins in a pumpkin patch from last october......

i feel my kids just cant get a break....i know it seems like a little thing, as im sure his teacher thought it was no big deal...im sure my son didnt even give it a second thought.....

why do i feel so lousey inside when it comes to my kids...why cant we just have a day like every other family?

why cant my kids just get a break...

im obviously a little sensitive today....

anyway, just thought id vent...

dadfor2

[radiodoll]

Hi, Dad,

Just wanted you to know that I'm listerning. I am also physically in your vicinity, so if you need to get out and take a walk or take you r to the zoo or something to break the tension, PM me and we can talk.

You're not alone. Love to you and your boys-

Radiodoll

[aMarylandfamily]

... as the above poster is so that I too could reach out more ... just know this post sends a hug and lots of caring.

I will never forget the expression our son wore when we first hospitalized him and the intake person informed him that we wouldn't be taking him home that night ... know that hurt and anger will one day be replaced by an ok-ness with your time together and what you will do to be apart of his life and that of his sibling.

Our hearts are with you and all your family.

[HappyMomAnna]

I wish I too was near and could comfort you more at this time.

I know how you are feeling about just wanting to be a regular ordinary family and the past year has been such a hard one for you that I am sure you are hyper sensitive right now---been there--done that and it is a stinky feeling..... I guess this is one of those "One Day at a time"......times.

It is easy to say try to focus on the good things--and I know it is so hard to actually do when you are drained and sad. I have these same feelings myself sometimes and it is hard to get past and move on.... sometimes my own saddness and guilt--or helplessnes--or whatever the feeling of the day is can be hard to shake off and hard to not carry over into the other parts of life.... Sometimes I am still suffering and my spouse and children are over it---while I feel like I am still licking my wounds.... It can be so rough for those of us who FEEL so deeply and completely to deal with emotional and REALLY big things....

I know you have a bunch of mixed emotions and I know this is going to take time....lots of time.... and I know you love both boys so deeply that this is maybe one of the biggest loses you or any of us could ever face....

Take care of yourself, your wife and your little one and know that there are so many people here who LOVE you and care about your family.

Anna

[kay]

Dad,

No words of wisdom, and no advise other than to be kind to yourself. The emotions do eventually calm down, but that's not really helpful to hear when you're in the middle of the storm. You've done your best, and you're continuing to do your best. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please do keep posting, keep venting.

[dadfor2]

thank you all for your kind words.

we got the call, they didnt want us there when they told him, and they told me that they talked to him.

he said that he really wanted to live with us....they also said that he asked great questions about everything...

they told him that the grownups made a mistake, not him or us...they said that both boys had some issues and that we were able to figure out how to handle his brothers issues and not his and they are going to find him a place where they can help him better....

he asked "will i ever see my family again?...will they come and visit me anymore.?"

they said "yes, they are coming tommorrow and we can all sit down, and not only are they coming to visit you here, they will visit you where ever you go....they do love you and you are not losing them..."

they explained to him that we are still family even though we dont all live together and we will never go away....we will continue caring for him but not in our house"

he said he didnt want to start from the beginning again and didnt want to go to another foster mom...(as some of you know, his foster mom wasnt, hmmmm, how should i put this....a bed of mental health)

this breaks my heart because i really dont want him in some group/residential program, but he is clear that he doesnt want another foster mom...God only knows what else happened in that house that he doesnt want that.

anyway, thats my update...very sad, cant stop crying....god i love this kid, i just wish he wasnt in this much pain...

my other son went on the bus today, to take him to school, he loves the bus....

so i followed him and met him at school....(is that too much?...lol)

he seems to be adjusting...he said he made a freind on the bus but didnt know his name.....

its amazing how kids can make friends and they dont even care what their name is, what they look like, or where they come from..or any of that stuff...i just hope that he never outgrows that....

anyway, thanks all for the kinds words....it really does help, actually helps alot....

dadfor2

[DinPAis2adopt]

I cannot say "I know how you feel because I've been there". I hope that I never have to face that situation... I can only imagine
that it would tear me up.

My prayers go out for you and your family. Perhaps things will improve and allow your son to rejoin your household in the future.

I have seen your ID on other posts, but I do not recall the "story" of your son's circumstances... You mentioned Risperdal... my son takes that as well, along with other meds.

As hard as it will be, try to stay strong for the sake of your younger son... he needs you right now as well. I think it is appalling how the kindergarden teacher handled the first experience...I know new schools for any kid is a tough situation.

Sincerely,

[spaypets]

Dad, I'm so, so sorry. My heart is breaking for you and your boys.

Please try not to focus on what makes your son "different" from the other kids in school, but on what he has in common. That will help keep him from feeling like an outsider.

Can you make a cassette for your older boy and let him listen to you reading a book or something--or have one of those talking picture frames--something so he can remind himself that he'll always be in your heart.

So many losses in one young life. It's terrible for you all. I wish things could have been different.

Please, though, don't feel guilty for enjoying life with your younger boy.

[spitzlvr]

Oh Dad!

I so wish I was local to you! I have nothing to make you and your sons feel better, just a (virtual) shoulder to lean on, and an ear that will always listen.

Your younger son sounds like he is adjusting to his new school. I hope he makes lots of friends and has a great time.

And I hope your older one is able to find what he needs to make him a happy boy.

You are, as always, in my prayers.

Mary

[tybeemarie]

I just wanted to tell you I feel so badly for you and your family. You really tried with all that was in you, that is so clear from your posts. I hope that knowledge is some comfort to you in this totally traumatizing situation. You and your family gave this child so much, and you still do and will. I really am sorry that you all have to go though so much pain. You will all be in my prayers.

[dadfor2]

hi all,

well, thanks again for the kind words, i do have some good news, if you want to call it that...

i walked in to meet my son at the hospital, i saw him down the hall and then he ran in his room...at first i thought "uh uh..."

then he ran out and ran up to me and give me a big hug and gave me a present (a painted shell)

then he said "daddy, you know i wont be able to live with you anymore"

then we went into the office and I put him on my lap and we talked......we reasuured him that we will still be a family and that we will still love him and take care of him (thats the plan) and that we will always be visting him and making sure everyone is taking care of him.

he said that he really wants to live with us but understands why he cant, but wants to make sure that we will still be his family...

we told him that alot of people have big families and when we find him another mommy and daddy, then he will have even a bigger family, and then hes loved by alot more people ....

so he will have us and another family....wow...lots of love going on for him.

he said that when he grows up he will be moving back with us

(im fighting back the tears at this point, but his therapist at the hospital had a hard time holding back his tears..he got all tearyeyed watching it )

he pointed to the feeling chart and pointed to the sad face and said "this is how i felt yesterday, i was going to cry, but this is how i feel now (he pointed to the happy face)

basically, DSS did a great job on telling him, they made sure that he knew it wasnt because of him, and that we loved him so much but we had a hard time keeping him safe (words he heard us say)

so we talked about how we all are going to find a family that could keep him safe.

we stayed with him for a while and played and he seemed so happy....we really had a great meeting with him and felt ok.....

anyway, now comes my younger son....we will tell him next week.......

dadfor2

[Nicole28]

Wow....I'm not completely "in the loop" and I'm not sure of the details of your situation but I am so impressed and moved by the amount of love you have for your sons! I think it's wonderful, they are lucky boys...


Good luck with everything, I think your love & the bond you all seem to have will get you through.

[AMom2Two]

A big hug to someone who really needs it.

I've been following your situation but don't have much experience with it so I just wanted to give you a big hug and not advice.

I think you're a great DAD. You have a big heart and I can see how hard this is on you. Please know that I care.

Hugs again to you ((((((((((((((((((((((DAD)))))))))))))))))))))))

[Howdy]

I'm so sorry for all the pain you and your older son have been going through and still are going through. {{{HUG}}}

I'm glad you got to keep your younger son, I think you posted once that you weren't sure if they would split them or take both?

It seems so wrong of them to not try medication, that must be very frustrating for you. I think you are being terrific to continue to be your son's family, I hope the next family will also support the relationship.

[tybeemarie]

Dear Dad,

I am so relieved that DSS did a good job of explaining the situation to your son. Your post was so moving. This child knows he is loved--how many kids in the foster care system do not have that experience? It is too heartbreaking to calculate. Your son couldn't be safe living in your home, but he knows love and attachment--what a gift! What a blessing for him and for your family! I will be praying that your son finds a good family where he can live safely, and that this family will recognize that you and your family are inextricably a part of this special boy. After all he must have been through, it is remarkable how much love he is capable of. Best of luck with explaining this difficult situation to your younger son. With all the love you have for your children, and with all the research and hard work you put into your parenting as well as love, I have full confidence that you will handle this sensitively and lovingly. Peace.