[Deana]

I don't post often but have been reading the board for years. I have a fos-adopt placement of 2 girls ages 5 and 6. Both girls had/have some pretty big behavioral issues but our 6 yr old has changed so much in the time we have had them(18 months) and is doing so well. Most of her negative behavior now is copying something her sister has done in order to get the negative attention, in fact all four of my other kids (have 3 bio sons ages 6, 8, and 10 also) have resorted to negative behavior just to get some attention because our 5 yr old takes so much away from them. Our 5 yr old is our struggle. We have held off finalizing the adoption because of trying to get her the help she needs, which is so unfair to her sister who is doing well and asks when we will adopt her. Our 5 yr old is diagnosed ADHD, ODD, FAS, and now probably RAD and bi-polar, we are waiting for the psychological results but the psychologist verbally diagnosed RAD during the appointment. I really don't care about what she is diagnosed, I just want help for her. She hurts the other kids, she rages and hurts herself (last time she bit herself so hard the bruise lasted 2 weeks) and hits and kicks me if I try to move her to her room, she is extremely defiant (I have resorted to telling her the opposite of what I want to get her to do what she needs to), she is very attention seeking (you can't even go to the bathroom without her pounding on the door).. She plays best if I keep her seperate from the other kids, if she is not hurting them she is kicking down what they are building or doing things to them to make them scream and then she wonders why they don't want to play with her. There is no consequence that matters to her and rewards don't work for long-occasionally they will but usually she doesn't behave and then she gets mad if you don't give her the reward. She is getting bigger so her rages are getting harder to deal with. Her hurting others has gotten worse also. The other day she was arguing with our 6 yr old boy and he left the room so she turned the light off in the room and when my husband went to see what she was doing she was standing by the doorway holding up a pogo stick ready to hit the 6 yr old in the head when he returned. We haven't gotten the help she needs and we are really thinking she needs to be an only child (she does great when the other kids are at school) but we don't want to lose her sister who is doing so well. I haven't brought up splitting them to her worker because I am afraid they will say both or none. We would prefer to get the help she needs but we are losing hope. She is currently on adderal and riperdal, have also tried concerta and strattera. I thought the ripserdal was helping(somewhat) with the aggression but now she has regressed again. I am sorry this is so long, I'm just rambling and wanting you all to know the whole situation. Can anyone help us? Should we ask to split them?

[kamamsm]

I can't tell you what you can handle as a family. I hope you consider not only what is best for this child but what is best for the other child(ren) in your family and what is best for your marriage. Problems like what you've described are so serious and require a great deal of time/energy/emotion. This child needs specialized care to deal with the damage her little soul has undergone. Bless you- it is a hard thing to go through.

[Dr. Art]

With the right treatment you can expect significant improvements in behavior within 6 to 12 months. Only you can determine if you have the ability to do this and help your child. (Read Building the Bonds of Attachment by Daniel Hughes to see what is really involved). In addition, you will have to get the right treatment, which means treatment provided by a licensed mental health therapist who has substantial training and experience evaluating and treating adopted and foster children. The therapist should have at least 50% of his/her practice devoted to such families. In addition, the therapist must have had significant post graduate training in attachment. The person should be, or at least the min. criteria to be, a Registered Clinician with the Association for the Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children. You can find someone in your area by going to ATTACh to their list of registered clinicians.

regards

[lucyjoy]

As Dr. Art suggested, you need to find a qualified therapist as soon as possible.

Along with the book he recommended, I would also recommend reading Nancy Thomas' When Love is Not Enough and Foster Cline's Parenting With Love and Logic.

There is also good information at www.radzebra.org and www.attachment.org

I would put alarms on all childrens doors for safety-discuss this with your worker. If you feel the children should be seperated, discuss it with the worker and at least find out if that would be an option. Please do not ask that they make this child an only child. Many parents experienced with your child's disorder would be unable to adopt her and likely she get placed with a family not familiar with her treetment needs. It is better to ask that she be placed as the youngest child.

Treatment can improve things dramatically, but it is hard work and will take time. Kids with RAD and FAS are very draining. It is important to find time for yourself and for your other children so all of you can stay healthy. YOu may wish to ask your CW about respite care. It's so difficult to make decisions when you're totally drained out.

[Deana]

The only Attach registered clinician in our state in quite a distance from here. I did call her to try to get a referal to someone in my area but she never responded to my request.

[Dr. Art]

You need to be persistent. Without the proper treatment things will only get worse...so keep calling!!!

Books alone will not help you in your situation.

good luck