[dadfor2]

thanks all,

its all just heartbreaking, and tough. sometimes we have a hard time going between empathy and dislike.

he pushes our buttons, but we will keep moving forward.

part of me thinks we should just legalize and then maybe it will give him some peace, but then theres this side of us that says, what if it isnt this and were in for a life of hell....write now we are getting support and services for him

these decisions are so tough to sort out...

we figured we are moving next week, then by september we are hoping that he will come around.

we have two trainings coming up, friday and saturday on dealing with these behaviors....

anyway, were moving, this is stressful enough, never alone adding our 8 yr olds issues on top of it...we love him, but god this is getting diffulcult.

im sure he is picking up some of the stress we are feeling and feels like things are not secure, seeing the boxes around

dadfor2

[Howdy]

Is there anything you can do to help him see himself being with you after the move? Are you close enough to the new place that you can go visit and look at his new room? Is there a floor plan of the new place that you can enlarge and put on your refrigerator with labels 'Boy A's Room' 'Boy B's Room' 'Mom & Dad's Room' etc. so he can see that he is planned for?

It has really helped my the two foster kids I've had, to get a video of me/my place before they come, and when my first kid was transitioning to her bDad (who she didn't really know) even tho she was a sweet kid she got virtually psychotic for a week, but after she went for a visit and met her new family and slept in her new bed, she relaxed so much and became optimistic.

So maybe if it helps kids with moves between families, it would also help with moves a family makes together, to have a video and pictures and stuff like that.

If you will have a garden, maybe you could have your boy start planning what he will plant in his part of the garden, draw pictures of what he thinks it will look like, etc.?

I don't know if it would be of any help, but there is a kids book called "Alexander Whose Not (Do You Hear Me? I Mean It!) Going to Move", it is a funny little kids book about a boy whose family is moving and he is having trouble adjusting to leaving the old home.

[manon]

I don't know if you've ever owned a cat, but my cats start freaking out whenever they see moving boxes out around the house. Change can be hard.

I loved the suggestions about drawing a blueprint of the new place and putting it up so they can see where they'll be. You could enlist their help in planning where the furniture goes by having them step off the length and width of your furniture and then you can draw it on graph paper for them to cut out and arrange on the drawing of the new place.

As if you have time for a project like that! Ah, well, you have my sympathies at least.

Is there anybody in your current neighborhood who is special to these kids? Maybe you could take a picture of them together & make sure your kids give them the new address to write. Maybe even get your kids an address book for them to write the names & addresses of the people they're leaving behind in this neighborhood.

Best wishes to you & your family.

[dadfor2]

hi all,

we actually brought the kids over to the new house, and we discussed what room they wanted and we did the tour thing of what goes where.

we asked what colors they want for their rooms, where they want their beds, we discussed last night of hanging a picture of the new house and put it on the fridge.

we talked about how this house will be all our house, put the emphasise on its new for ALL of us as a family.

last weekend during dinner we discussed what we are all going to miss about the house we are in now, we all had a few comments...kinda like this little ritual.

were trying to make them understand we are all moving. i am going to put boxes in their rooms and all around the house to put stuff in just so they can see that we are all moving our stuff.

he was concerned about his goldfish, and we talked about the fish and that the fish will be with us the whole time.

my younger son said "the truck is coming and its going to put all our furniture and stuff in there..."..i think he gets it..

regarding friends and neighbors...we have none...lol. our house now is set back and really dont have many neighbors and thats one of the reasons why were moving. to be around more people with kids.

we told them we are getting them a swing set for the backyard (that will be our first priority) because the yard is bigger for all of us...

i dont know..maybe we just have to weigh this out..

yes lucyjoy, it does feel like a roller coaster and yes, i want to get off...im starting to feel sick...lol

in regards to his brother...i dont believe for a minute that he hates his brother...

my biggest fear, is when he was in the group home, they focused on the relationship with his brother, which, my concern is, that they brain washed him.

yes, there were issues before, but i dont think his brother is triggering any of this.

kids can believe what ever you tell them..and if people keep focusing on the brother, my son is going to think its about his brother and im worried for my younger son.

i asked the counselor if she can focus on the PTSD, birthfamily stuff, and leave the brother out of it...i think he thinks, he is suppose to have mixed feelings around his brother because everyone keeps bringing it up..

unknowingly, counselors have even had adults believed things have happened to them, when they didnt....and now they are convinced these things happened...its very common....and its unttentional

anyway, thats my feelings around his brother...these kids can play together nicely, though they do fight, but they do play together all the time.

hope this makes sence.

dadfor2

[lucyjoy]

NOt sure I can explain this very well. The hate is more of a jealousy issue-but it can become a serious problem. I've seen this a lot with disrupting families-the child who is jeolous feels by getting rid of the other child he gets more of you. He can play and have fun with the other child and doesn't connect the dots between the fun and the jeolousy. Recently, a little girl told her mom she felt really bad that she had to kill her little brother because he was fun and she really liked him. It's not logical and they don't really understand things in the right context.

It might be nothing at all like you are suggesting-just be aware that his thinking may be distorted and not rational at all.

[aMarylandfamily]

Lucyjoy's comments may be very much on target ... children with your son's problems often release their emotional pain (including a mental illness) and hatred in the form of friendship or love in front of others so as not to lose the opportunity for infliction of hurt and blame ... when the time is right to and for them. Having experienced many of these problems with a sibling placement that could not be finalized, I too would be monitoring all time shared ... once the hurt is inflicted it cannot be taken back...

Re-reading one of your posts I noted you mentioned you should just legalize this and keep going ... PLEASE - again from painful hands-on/first hand experience - do not finalize this until some of this is resolved and or all of his needs (now and in the future) are identified and addressed in the placement agreement and post adoption services to be provided with notation for renegotiation if ever needed.

Remember - many of us understand and care and are here to help ... always a piece of information shared may be the tidbit that ties something together or just answers a thought you have but have not verbally shared/expressed.

Keep us posted!

[HappyMomAnna]

just checking in to see how the MOVE is going?

Hope things settle down soon and the boys enjoy the swing set!!!!!!


Anna