[stephieb4]

Hi everyone! Our family has been trying to adopt a special needs child since Sept. 2003. Not a terribly long wait, since we were initially told it would take 1- 1 1/2 years. We've been up on adoption committee twice almost 3 times now. After the last one, we were told we were the "back-up family". I have 3 sons ages 3-10. How do we balance getting them ready for an addition to the family without devastating them when it doesn't work out? We get photos and the child's life story. And this last time, we even met with the foster mom. Should we not tell our sons anything until we've been selected? That would work with our youngest, but with our oldest he's alittle more in tune with what's going on in the family. Any sage advice out there? Recommend any good books to read? Thanks

[Cultureshock]

Book recommendations

1 - Adopted and Loved Forever - by Annette E. Delinger - illustrated by Patricia Mattozzi - 1987 (my favorite) for ages 4 to 7

2 - God Gives Me A Family - by Rhoda - illustrated by Sara Beachy - religious with mennonite pictures - ordered by writing God Gives Me A Family - 63666 CR 37 - Goshen, IN 46526 (my neck of the woods)

3 - In Our Neighborhood Brian Was Adopted - by Doris Sanfrd - illustrated by Graci Evans - 1989 - this is about an Korean adoption

4. Pictures of Hollis Woods

I saw on your earlier post that they wanted much older children? Because of your little one's age, you might want to 'shock absorb' resentment because of this with the older kids if this is something they really want?

I'm surprised that your Worker is not helping you with this issue?

[stephieb4]

Thanks Culture,

We are looking into adopting 2-8 years old. I will have to look into those books you recommended.

[Barksum]

Stephie:

With our older child we tell more specific information when we are going to committee. Usually something along the lines of, "We are going to find out sometime next week about possibly adopting this child. We'll let you know what happens when we find out more." Ok, that's pretty bare bones, and I ALWAYS pad it out a bit more with discussions about how we all feel about going to committee again, that it's ok to be disappointed/excited/aprehensive, etc. You know your kids, so go with the flow a bit there.

With my younger children we discuss that Mommy and Daddy are really hoping to adopt a brother or sister in the future. We talk with them about generic brother/sister concepts, not specific children. We don't tell them that we are going to committee, or that we haven't been chosen. In our family our 3 year old isn't going to comprehend that info. Our 6 year old sort of does, but doesn't really get all that involved until we have a definite match and are going to meet the child. Because of their young ages and their perception of time we don't tell them much until a couple of days (maybe a week) before we meet the child. We do the whole prep talks and read over the books again, too. Usually this brings up adoption questions and we discuss those, too.

I can second the book recomendations listed above. My 6 yo son really enjoys the mennonite book in particular, but it's a close race between that one and Adopted and Loved Forever. There is also an adoption book by Fred Rogers (you know, "Mr. Rogers") that was good in starting discussions about adoption.

Hope this gives you some info you were looking for. If not (I've not been as coherent lately!) PM me or post with any questions I didn't address.