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Originally Posted By Pam

Our new ten year old is very well behaved and it is hard to tell what is going on with him, even when you ask him. I'm not quite sure how to treat him. I don't want to come on too strong or seem too detached, but maybe I *should* do one or the other. He calls his ex-foster parents "mom" and "dad" because he lived with them from age 5 until just now, so I am not sure how to address the issue of what he should call us. So far, he doesn't call us anything! Any suggestions on how to broach the topic? I know he still feels as though his foster parents are his parents. He is going to be in therapy with our adoption agency, but that's not until after the first of the year and these are just little things I need help with now. My instincts tell me to let him adjust and not come on too strong, but to address him a lot and let him know we care about him. I also wonder if I should tell him that, if he likes, he can call us Mom or Dad or Tom and Pam or Aunt Pam and Uncle Tom. Should I ask him if he wants to call "home" and wish his foster family a Merry Christmas. They are in another state, far away from us. Any advice is welcome on this Christmas Day. BTW, Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it!

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Originally Posted By Carla

We added an 8 year old and a 5 year old, then a 14 year old, then 2 newborns, then an 8 year old and a 7 year old!! They are all for adoption.

My advice - talk to him!! He probably knows what he wants to call you!! Tell him that you would like him to know that you are comfortable with him calling you Mom & Dad but that if he is comfortable with that he can call you one of the other choices. Some of ours did and some took a while. Also I wouldn't refer to his last placement as "home". I think it negates that he is now home and can cause some additional confusion for a child that has already lost so much! I would say something along the lines of "would you like to call Mike and Tracy?" I would also give a lot of little hugs and pats on the back to reaffirm your desire to have him with you and so that he will know he is loved!!

I don't know if this helps I sure hope so!!

Carla

feel free to e-mail me if you want @ jc.bo9@worldnet.att.net

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My husband and I have two children we adopted as older kids.
Our oldest daughter had a very hard time calling us "Mom & Dad" for months after she first moved here. We talked with her and gave her several options of what she could call us, but we also let her know that we hoped that someday she would come to think of us as her mom & dad. Months before the adoption was finallized she started calling us "Mama and Dad" on her own. Our younger child called us by our first names for only a couple of weeks before she too started calling us by the names her new sister had chosen for us.

I believe the fact that we maintain some contact with our kids previous foster parents and open adoptions with the "safe" members of their birthfamilies has helped the girls adjust. Our oldest(now 16) still maintains contact with her former foster family by phone & E-mail, but she is very clear about who her family is and is secure in the knowledge that all the adults in her world care about her and will work together to protect and love her. Our younger child choses not to keep in contact with her former foster family at this time, but she has very close ties to her birthsisters and two maternal aunts who are "members of our family" in a very real and consistent way. Please accept all of your child's past and the people who have been important to them...
doing so will help the child feel that you can accept them completely too. Have a very wonderful holiday season!

Liz

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Originally Posted By Anton

I am VERY CLOSE to adopting (maybe by Feb.... HELP!!!!!) Anyway, I know how important it is to want to hear your child refer to you as “Mom” or “Dad”... AND MEAN IT. I’m struggling with and anticipating the same dilemma. I'm 44yo and my to-be son is 12yo. I know that I'm not alone in relating to the significance that holds to you. It can never come too soon.

I've looked at it as the following...
For most of us, we've have no idea of how it would be as a child or adult to be suddenly plunged into a person's house and told "This is your home" (for now). Then a few months or years later told.. "Now this is your home" (for now)... During the course the child may have developed real familial or nurturing bonds with the foster family. That person was in fact, in the child's heart, the mother and/or father. That threatens us. We want to be the most important person in their lives, since we want them so desperately. For most of us, they are the only child we've known. But for them they've had other quasi mothers and fathers.

The conventional wisdom is to allow the child to call you ______, you fill in the blanks for yourself, and in time they will move towards referring to us as “Mom” and “Dad”. It can never come too soon.

I was recently in a department store and saw a white gentleman with his son, who was black. I heard the boy call him "Dad" on several occasions. It was physically obvious that the boy was not a hybrid, but he was indeed the man's son. A mother and father in a function of a relationship, (my economics training jargon coming through) In time, we'll build that relationship and will be blessed by being christen with the very special title.

In time...

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Originally Posted By Don

Very well said- I've worked with children for many years, and have said this many times.

Actually, I've had kids call me "Dad" and I've never even been their parent/foster parent-(and, more often, I've been called "Uncle Don" by children I've worked with) but in some cases, a parent "figure" of sorts. But, always after much time and building of a bond, a relationship, whereby the child "feels"

s/he wants to refer to you in some manner that reflects the level they are at.

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Originally Posted By Pam

Very grateful for the posts. Actually, he still refers to us without referring to us at all and doesn't call us anything, but time will take care of that. We're just getting to know each other. He is a very sensitive, sweet, quiet child who is way too thin and very restless when he sleeps. We have a lot of work ahead of us, but I feel positive about it. Thanks again. I need help from the "vets" for encouragement and advice!

Your friend,
Pam