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Jerry's question about "how do you know a child wants to be adopted" is a good one- reminds me of a question I've been sitting on for some time.

I am considering adopting an older child (early to mid teens). My concern is, being gay myself, at what point

do I tell the child? I would want the child to know before adoption- no sense in my mind bringing a kid into my home and then finding out s/he's uncomfortable with having a gay parent . So, how do I bring up the subject, and when? I feel it is important that the child have all the facts too. Just not sure how to broach the subject with a kid.

(this isn't an invitation for anti gay comments - )

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I work with lgbtq teens who are often in foster care and sometimes available for adoption. Have you considered seeking a child who you might be uniquely able to parent? I am not suggesting that gay parents should/do only raise gay children. I am suggesting that the system is brutal for lgbtq teens and you might be a fantastic parent for one of these children.

Just another perspective.

Louise Rafkin wrote a book called Different Mothers taken from interviews with children(step, bio, adoptive, foster) of lesbian moms. I recommend it. My daughter Sara was interviewed for the book.

Good luck and keep coming back to the board.

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...I have thought of that, and have bounced the question off some social workers- but they deny having gay kids in care...so, how would I FIND one? I agree---it would probably be a good idea, because who better to understand what that kid is going through than someone who has been there right?

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You asked the workers if they had any gay kids? What kind of a question is that?! This is not an anti gay comment, but obviously most people are not gay. That means there is a good chance these kids are not even if they think they are. They are so messed up and have been through so much that to be labeled gay by an adult figure is horrible.Let them grow into their sexuality and see for themselves. I didn't know until after age 18. I do think you should talk with the child about your sexuality and I am glad you brought it up. I am concerned about your parenting now though. Some of those children WILL turn out gay and the social worker should have set you straight. The SW said we have no gay kids to you to straighten you up. I would listen to the SW and do not nose into the child's personal sexual feelings about the opposite sex. Even if they are attracted to the same sex, there is more of a chance they will turn out normal unless you push it on them and they don't ever have the accurate knowlede/perspective to reolize those feelings may only be present for a reason and don't jump to label themselves. They have been labeled enough by society ( ADD, RAD, ADHD etc..)

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Sexuality is complex. Your point is well taken that lots of kids have too many labels and a lot of screwed up experiences. Nothing magical happens at age 18. There are a plenty of different theories of sexual identity development including some genetic basis. I don't think any theory explains everyone's experience. Nonetheless, some minors have a clear sense of primary orientation by the age of 13 or 14. I personally know of two young folks kicked out of their bio homes, into the foster system based on sexual orientation. There is no easy answer but I certainly feel that straight parents could also pressure youth to try and assume an identity that just doesn't fit.

The bottom line is that there are some lgbtq youth in the system who need committed parents just like any other kid and who might be particularly able to connect with a parent who shares some of their culture.

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Have you contacted any lgbtq youth programs directly to try and identify kids? Maybe Hetrick Martin in NYC?

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Originally Posted By Graham

Oh No.....These are all good posts on a tricky subject, and I LOVE tricky subjects, believe me. BUT, go check out the archive of this board (take the 2/92 out of the url and hit enter) and the posts around gay and lesbian adoption. It got vicious! So much so that I started deleting some posts and pleading for mercy for all. There are almost no gay or lesbian children needing adoption - period. There are questioning children, identity-disordered children, molested (gay and straight) children reworking their trauma and plenty of children who want a family and could care less who has what sexual identity as long as they don't act it out in inappropriate ways! There are people on this board who believe that gays and lesbians are the safest and best placement for a child. There are those who believe that those people will burn in hell. And there is everyone inbetween. MY RULE = "No gay, lesbian, straight, religious, gun ownership, death penalty or abortion issues to be aired on this board" This is about the kids and the families who do the work with them! Thanks for understanding. Phew! Did we dodge the bullet. Time will tell......
Graham.

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I agree, it is a very touchy area--- first off, I've worked in child care for many years- dealt with a lot of children in foster care - and I know there's been children in my agency anyway that have been identified as GAY and therefore UNADOPTABLE by the social work team- because (a) straight parents wouldn't be able to accept them, and

(b) gays aren't acceptable as adoptive parents. Thats THIS agency's take on the situation- so those kids unfortunately sit in the system.......................is THAT fair?

I knew when I was 13 that I was gay- but because of my family and society in general, knew I had to "play straight"...

(and I was adopted, but as a baby, oh well...Oh but don't get me wrong, I love my family and all...but as an aside, I think that if I could have grown up with a gay parent, I would have been less stressed about "choosing" my lifestyle, since it wouldn't have been an issue in the home, know what I mean?)

Anyway---- I can understand not wanting to air this type of issue on the board- I was just curious as to how one goes about finding out about kids that are (or thought to be) gay that are looking for an adoptive home-

I just wouldn't want a child to be uncomfortable with my lifestyle- and even though I do live my life appropriately, that doesn't mean a kid would be able to handle the "fact" which remains...his parent is Gay!

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Do you have any websites/email addresses so I cold contct for information?

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Originally Posted By yrand

Breathe deep Graham, relax,we aren't going to start up again.
Tis the season to bury the hatchet. However I'm with you since
most gay children were born and raised by straight parents,and
since most gay couples do not reproduce,and when they do it is with a surrogate not with their partner,and their kids mostly turn out to be hetero I doubt there is much of a demand for gay adoptive parents for gay children. I wish I could have had Lena Horne or someone glamourous like that when I was a kid and mad at my mom but you know what they say about the grass looking greener in someone elses yard.

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Yikes Graham! I did read the archives and truly didn't think we were going over old ground. Sorry. I think it is too bad that we become so worked up about stuff that legitimate issues have to become taboo. Still and all, it's a rule arrived at by painful experience. Thanks for your constancy as moderator.

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Your letter was insightful( except for that part I didn't get,I hope I am not showing my ignorance.) You seem so accepting and level headed. You know there are no rules when it comes to sexuality and we are all different ( not born that way, unable to change, had a bad experience with the opposite sex so we went the other way, or whatever the professionals say..) I also think many children know there sexuality early, but these kids might not be as inclined with their heads so messed up. I again have to compliment you on your free thinking, logic and acceptance even though I do not agree with your lifestyle. You sound like someone I would really enjoy being with!! I bet your alot of fun

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Originally Posted By yrand

I may be wrong but I think it means lesbian, gay, bi, or transgender/trans-sexual.

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The mighty yrand rules!
LGBTQ
Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered and questioning

Transgendered is used as an umbrella term to refer to all sorts of folks whose genders can't simply be described by their chromosomes. Transexuals, pre-operative, post-operative and non-operative are included in the term transgendered.

Which part of my lifesyle don't you agree with? Not enough exercise, too many donuts, too much time at church? I'm teasing.

A decade ago I would not have imagined being married with two gorgeous kids but life takes some funny turns. I'm blessed.

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Originally Posted By Monique

How funny your right on! That's what I don't agree with my lifestyle, the 20 donut holes and cup of coffee every morning I have consumed for the last week and a half. You need your own hotline #,now that is what's wrong with your lifestyle!!