[Indy]

Hey guys....I need your thoughts. I have had a foster son for three months. He is 14 (K). The state called me and said they had an "emergency" foster placement. They also said it would be short term (LOL). I said ok, with the understanding that "L" would soon be arriving soon. The state recognizes that I only usually take a placement for adoption, not foster care.

K is a "dream" foster child. He is quiet. He is not on any medication. He gets fairly good grades. He does not have any major behavioral issues. He is kind of sneaky sometimes, but nothing in relationship to what I have dealt with my sons.

So...here is the problem. K's personality and mine just don't match. I don't like him, hence my guilt. I really don't like spending time with him. He really wants to bond to a strong male role model and I don't want that. Now the state is talking about a long term placement, and adoption. Several off handed remarks have been made about K staying with me.

Any suggestions?

[aMarylandfamily]

If you are even having a thought such as what you described, you should not make this a long-term, potentially permanent placement - something just doesn't connect ... sort of like meeting a "mate" the first time - you either do or you don't like them. It could be something as simple as your courage and ability to handle children, especially boys, with intense problems and something is telling you to stay open for a child with more needs and "K" may be easily place-able.

Not sure if this makes sense but from a woman's prospective ... if it doesn't feel right, it's usually not!

[lucyjoy]

Listen to your instincts. You don't strike me as the kind of person that would dislike someone without reason. Something feel phony about the relationship? Something between the kids that you just can't put your finger on? Possible that he's a really good Eddie Haskel manipulator? Just a thought. Is he too much like you? Does he not need enought from you?

HE will be able to tell in the long term if your feelings don't change and so will the other boys. That could have some devastating long term affects for everyone.

Is there someone you can talk honestly with who won't judge you that could maybe even spend a little time with your son and you and see if this is a temporary problem or a real issue?

If you are unable to give this boy 100% of your heart, help find someone who can. The guilt goes with the territory, but it's o'key to say no sometimes.

[kay]

I understand the guilt - but I've worked a lot with kids, and every once in awhile (fortunately very rare - I can think of only 2 in the past 15 years) there's one that I just don't like. As you say, nothing specific wrong, definitely not a bad kid, but there's something that just doesn't click. And I do see adoption as a marriage that stems from a blind date - sometimes it's just not "there". It's really hard to do, but I agree that your energy should go into finding him the right forever family, acknowledging that yours isn't it. And don't let the workers guilt you into anything, that *really* won't work!

[DeedyDavis]

I agree...go by your heart...

I suspected his quietness meant passive agressive behaviors aka sneaky...

Sonetimes our spirits recognize what is not right...though your heart wants to help...if your spirit cannot handle it...you won't be a help...

My prayers are with you on this one...been there too

[Indy]

First point...K was a foster placement, not adoptive.

I have requested that "K" be moved to another home. I have also closed my home to foster children. I spoke with the family adoption specialist today. She helped me to identify what has changed in my home. She also had me think about what has changed in the home environment.

The doctor also spoke about how "adopted" children process permanency. By having K in the home, it was affecting them in ways I had not thought about. It may have been shaking their feelings of permanency.

K was also getting away with things that they knew was wrong, but he was more sneaky about it. It then became a question of "who to believe" when he got told on. He is a very good liar.

It also says a lot when none of the boys wanted to share a room with him. One of my sons started crying when I told him that he was going to share a room with K. The only one that wanted to share a room with him was my son who was sexually abused. The doctor told me to keep K away from him. She said better safe than sorry.

So we have two weeks and the state will have him moved...at least I hope so.

Thank you for the advice.

[lucyjoy]

Kids are very perceptive and often ours have different life experiences then us and have a clearer picture of what another child is like.

While it is sad for K, it would be worse if it caused everyone else to crash.