[kamamsm]

I am sooo hurt & tired & well every emotion you can think of. We've decided to disrupt the adoption of one child( out of a sibling set). Its just been awful. Every time we make two inches of progress we slide back three- it seems. This child is so angry. He's justified by the what he's been through-but I've other children to protect. And twice now he's hurt or attempted to hurt my youngest- also destroyed some property. No incident has been terrible- but if this young man doesn't get the help he really needs I feel sure one day he really will hurt someone badly. I've been advocating for him- got him in therapy etc. But we just can't cope. It takes everything we've got to get through a day. Every single thing is an issue--example: you say its very important that you go to sleep at a decent hour because I have to get up tomorrow for such & such. He's up- on purpose till 2a.m.! I don't blame him-this is but one more thing those monsters who were is "parents" did to him. But we can't take anymore. We have to parent the other children- protect the others too. My little one is having nightmares. My eldest boy cries and says please make him go away. I am so sorry. Have any of you been through this?
And do you know whether dcs will automatically take the sibling-with whom we're having no trouble? Thank you.

[MamaJem]

How long have they been with you? Does the other child have a signigicant bond with you? What is the age of the child you are wanting to disrupt?

Need some details bfore offering any thoughts or ideas...

[lucyjoy]

Has your adoption been finalized? Often sibling placements have to be severed by the court if not finalized. If the adoption is final, the state may not take the child back and may charge you with abandonment. I don't have enough information to help you.
If you want to pm me instead of posting the info(or post it if you'd rather), I may be able to provide you better informantion.
So sorry things have been difficult.

[kamamsm]

Three weeks. No real bond, but doesn't want to leave. We don't want to traumatise this child further than he's been - but on the first weekend he hurt my little one and we explained that that is something we won't tolerate. He got better then blew up and smashed a window hitting my spouse in the eye with glass. Again talks, therapy, trying-- and when we made him mad he tried to hurt my youngest again. (Thankfully didn't suceed) He is manipulative, has no boundries, and is sullen & moody. On the other hand (and this is what's kept us going this long) he is at times- funny, sensitive, caring, smart, charming, etc. He still sees dcs & "the cops" as the bad guys .
I know he's hurt. I hate it. But I can't fix this. My parent is very ill. too and needs me. This child needs constant supervision. He create arguements with everyone. Sorry this is so long- I just feel like crying. His sibling can't even make relationships with the other kids because this child intervenes. Ps we aren't final we just started.

[riley6]

I understand your feelings of frustration, but it's only been two weeks and you've gone from 3 to 5 kids in a very short time. Can you get some services in the house to help this work? Will the foster family take the kids back so they don't have to go to another foster home? I doubt very much that DCFS will separate the kids since they've only been there two weeks.

[lucyjoy]

It may be best to let DCF take them back and find another family.
As sad as that sounds, it is unlikely that they will seperate the kids based on three weeks in the home. There may be a lot of services available that you haven't used, but as you said, you have a sick parent and this child, as well as his siblings, will require a great deal of time and energy and at least one needs 24/7 constant monitoring. It is better to discuss your concerns with your worker now and see if the kids can return to their former foster families. It is unfortunate that you were not made aware of the seriousness of your child's trauma affects.

[riley6]

We posted at the same time. Didn't know about the rest of the stuff when I posted. Didn't you take him off all his meds? Maybe they were stabilizing him and he needs to go back on them. did you get his eval yet? Can you call the worker?

[kamamsm]

The foster family isn't an option I don't believe, because they had to separate the children due to some of these very behaviors. The sibling doesn't want to leave. Am I horrible for wanting to protect the others?

[kamamsm]

No- we haven't had him for evaluation yet. He's on all meds as directed. I've not been able to reach the cw- guess it'll be Tues. Right now we're just trying to keep peace and be civil. After all whether he believes it or not we aren't against this young man.

[lucyjoy]

You're not being horrible, but it is necessary to make a decision. If the state does not want to seperate, can you keep these kids knowing 24/7 parenting and attachment therapy are likely outcomes? You need to do what's best for your family and their safety and this child needs to be with a family who has the ability to meet his needs. He likely needs to not be with younger children until he's had some time to heal.

[kamamsm]

We've decided that if they must take back the sibling then though we hate it, it must be. Thank you all - this is so difficult.

[Dianna]

I am very sorry for your pain. I have thought about if we would have made that decision early on in our second placement of siblings. We ended up with a relinquishment on one child 2 years after finalization. We only had one other child and he was older. Our family went through hell and all the children suffered a lot. We have healed but I still sometimes wonder how it would have been if we had made a different decision than to just perservere. Believe me, there is nothing wrong with recognizing when you are in over your head. It is called wisdom. Best wishes and prayers your way.

[MamaJem]

This just seems very early to disrupt. Did no one describe any of this behavior prior to placement? I don't think I saw an answer on age but it sounds like this is his way of beating you to the punch. He has most likely suffered so much rejection that he is going to try and reject you first. If you do decide to disrupt, I believe you need to think long and hard if foster to adopt is for you. Then be VERY careful about choosing the next group of sibs.

As far as the other children wanting to stay, they are still in the honeymoon period. That may or may not change with time, and you need to realize, three weeks bonded to you is nothing compared to a lifetime with a sibling.

HTH

[kamamsm]

We have experience with adopting through dcs and it was wonderful. Our 1st. adopted son has been a blessing and a joy. We were very specific about what we could and couldn't parent with this adoption. The sw wanted this to work as did the foster parents and of course us. We have maintained from the begining that we would not/ could not parent a child who presented a danger to our other child/children. We all believed that this child's anger resulted from the birth situation (which I still believe to be true). And we all hoped he would be able to be redirected.But the level of his disturbance is the problem. Its overwhelming. I mean every day all day long you're redirecting, correcting, explaining, etc. etc. He has times of sweetness and is most assuredly sincere. He's a lovable kid-and believe me we do. But its like being a referree at a zoo. I totally understand his anger. Were I in his shoes, I'd be furious. And if it were only my husband & I, we would parent this child- but it isn't. Don't I owe my first allegiance to the children who were here to begin with? I have a thirteen year old who cries and says he can't stand the fighting,the noise, etc. This is a child who suffers from anxiety. Doesn't he deserve my intervention. My seven year old is in my room each night from bad dreams. And I have had an irritable bowel and cold sores for two weeks.
I didn't mean for this to be so long- but you sounded like we just up and decided to send a puppy away. I hate having to do this. I really do.

[Just Julie]

"... if it were only my husband & I, we would parent this child ..."

IMHO, and like you have stated, this sibling pair need a home where they are the only children while they heal and stabilize their sibling relationship. With the other responsibilities you have, children and a parent, they deserve more attention than you currently have to give, and you and your family need a calmer home than you currently have. Don't blame yourself. You have given it your best shot, and the sooner these children get into a home that can focus more completely on them, the better it will be for everyone.