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Currently, I am a single mother of a four year old son. My son has given me such joy, I'd love to have another child, and thought I'd think of adoption. I found it very easy to look at pictures of children in my state, and there was a girl (age 12) that touched my heart. She was asking for a mom, and wants to become a vet when she grows up. I'd love to give this little girl a home with me and my son! However, we live in a small trailer with only two bedrooms. (My son's bedroom is SMALL.) I am unsure of how to go about starting the adoption process, or if I would even be concidered for taking in this child. I have good health benefits, so that wouldn't be an issue. What would be an issue, I am afraid, is our lack of a third bedroom, and the fact I am a single mom. What I AM sure of is that I'd get excellent references from who ever the social worker talked to - (ie - our Dr., the daycare where my son goes, my co-workers, my son's Tai Kwan Do class/instructor.) Should I even try to contact someone concerning this little girl? Would I have a chance? Or am I out of my mind? Would my age be held against me? (I'm 27.)

Any advice would be appriciated.

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Hi,

I'm not quite sure what state you live in you may want to start with a local adoption agency and just find out what is required in your state. I live in California and according to the adoption agency my husband and I are using. Each child if not the same sex and five years or older must have there own room, also the adoptive parent should be at least 15 years older than the adoptive child. So you would be alright as far as age is concerned. Being single is no big deal.
Just call a local agency. I am sure they would be happy to assist you. Maybe you should consider adopting a little boy closer to your sons age. Just a thought. Good Luck!

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Kelly,

As you know, I have taken your advice to heart and contacted a social worker who is sending me information on adoption and will advise me in taking classes after I have went through the packet information. I went a step further and looked up a woman who adopted 3 kids herself. Now I am scared. While I had realised a child would have been through a great deal, I was not aware that they might blame ME or try to hurt me or my son. I have called the social worker back and explained this fear to her, and she told me that they would make sure not to place a violent child in my home. I know this makes me sound like a jerk, but I can't endanger my child just to fulfill my wish for another child. I am willing to take on a lot of things, from bedwetting to cutting school - but not getting beat up or being frightened to leave my child alone in a room with another child. With this attitude, I am not sure I will be concidered capable of taking in another child, but I am still going to look through the packet and take the class. They can turn me down after that, or I might run for cover all on my own. Thank you again for taking the time to hear me out, and I will keep you posted, if you like.

RTia

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One of the most difficult aspects to adopting (and taking responsibility for) a child is to learn about all the negatives as well as positives. Do take the class and don't quit in the middle - see it through to the end - the first class or two may be scary - there are many children awaiting adoption who need homes and love - needs go from simple to very severe - once you get to the end of the class you'll be amazed at the information you have received from the social workers, training personnel and most of all families who have previously adopted - you can do it - you just have to find the "niche" that will work best for you, your family and your home! This class should also be designed for you to get your foster care license at the same time - you may wish to try that first - it teaches you alot about your strengths and weaknesses and may even direct you toward the child awaiting you ... who is not yet available for some reason or another but will be when the time is right.

Don't every apologize for fears or thoughts - sharing them really does help - we are experienced adoptive parents but just watching, reading and learning about adoption from all the information becoming available like this forum continues to help us with each day and some thoughts/things we may face now or in the future.

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Originally Posted By yrand

I'm a 40+ year old black woman and I've been around the block
so trust me when I say it takes alot to phase me and I left
classes a few times with tears in my eyes. Some from anger and some from sadness. The classes are meant to inform and yes to discourage those who aren't really serious because this job
isn't for the weak kneed. These kids have been through the worse usually and need strong parenting skills, a good sense
of humor, flexibility and sticktoitiveness! (I think that's a
real word) I go to bed everynite wondering if I will really be
able to handle it when it happens. I helped raise my godchild,
nieces and nephews so I'm not totally clueless but realize
every child is different. Go thru the whole class, search your
heart and you'll know if you're ready. I beleve if God puts
it in your heart to do this He'll give you the strength to
handle it.

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To all: Thank you for your kindness and support! I will email back more detailed replies to all that talk to me, but thought I'd share something that in my blind panic I forgot to say. The social worker I talked to told me that I would be concidered for a boy. (Understanding of course that I'd have to read the packet and take the classes first - and other things that I'm sure I don't know about yet.) This is because I live in a 2 bedroom trailer, and that the child would probably share a room with my son. This is fine by me, as my son informed me that "girls are icky, and if we are getting another kid in here, I want a brother!" (Please understand, he's only 4! no offence meant to ANYONE!!!) I would like to take in a child who needs us. My son and I have so much to share! I just hope we (me taking on a child who has been through hell, and my son to adjust to a sibling) are up to the challange. (I know I worry too much - but worry is one of the things I do best!) Again, thank you for your time.

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Originally Posted By Kelly

Hi,

I think you really have to check out the child you plan on adopting. My agency sets up meeting places with the children (like parks and so forth) the children don't realize you are potential parents and you can get a feel of how the child you and the child interact. You have many visits with the child before you decide that he/she is right for you. Good luck. I beleive the majority of all adoptions turn out well! Even bio children can be BIG trouble! Just a thought.

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Kelly,

I didn't know I could do that, but I have to wait until after I am approved, right? I understand that I have to let them go through my life (past history, finances, job status, police records (don't have one! ) and so on and so on.) I can live with that. Then I have to take those classes. (what are these classes anyway? Parenting, foster care, adoptive procedures, what? I don't have a clue.) What else am I missing, oh yeah, I'll have to take a physical or something - at least that's what someone else told me. Anything else I need to add to this list I'm making? This is a lot of stuff! But I'm getting ahead of myself. First I gotta get that packet, then I have to take the classes. I'm back to being excited again....keep going bewteen fear and elation. Hope the mood swings end soon, most unlike me.

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I got the packet of information, and started looking it over. Then it hit me....would I be able to provide for this child as I do my own? Would I be able to keep up our current standard of living (giving extras like Tai Kwan Do classes or movies on the weekends)? Would I be able to send the other child to these classes too, or have to take my son out? What about college? What about if the new child needed braces, or a shrink or something? Would I be taking away from my son because of my own need for another child? Am I right to even attempt this? Everyone I have talked to says it is so cool that I'm thinking about it, but no one says anything now that I'm having second thoughts. (My mother told me I'm out of my mind - I got all I can afford with one child.) Any comments on this? Should I go ahead and take the classes, even with my doubts, or should I forget it? I don't want to give up our comfortable life style. We're not rich, but we're doing okay. With another child in the picture, my son might have to give up his Tai Kwan Do classes, and our weekend trips to the movies....Might being the key word. I just don't know. (And I am a firm believer in you can't give one without giving the same to the other...so if my son is taking the classes, the other child would have to be able to, too.)

Bottom line - do you all think I should go ahead with this, or am I wasting everyone's time?

Thanks for listening.

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Originally Posted By yrand

Dear RTia- Try not to scare yourself with all those what ifs.
Like I said after you go through the classes give yourself
a gut reaction test and if you still are interested you'll
know it. In the mean time how about getting a little brother
from Big Brothers to hang out with you and your son a couple
of weekends a month just to get your feet wet, your son would
love it. Any chance you could move into a double wide I hear some parks now are geared towards families with kids.

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Originally Posted By yrand

And don't worry about braces and shrinks and stuff your state or county will probaly take care of those medical needs you can check online for the guidelines. What's cool is you get him younger than your son so you save money on clothes when yours
grows out of his he passes it down. How do you think people managed years back with more than one kid? Tae Quan Do lessons
etc. you can sometimes get discounts if there's more than one child. Don't expect the people who love you to share
your desire either. Just quietly keep going, researching,asking
questions, being a pain if necessary till you reach your goal.

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Originally Posted By yrand

I just remembered your boy is only four so you'd do best to get a slightly older boy maybe six. Any older and he might not relate well with your son who's still just a toddler.Some-
times these kids are slightly immature for their age so a six
year old may be just your sons speed. I'd shop discount and thrift stores for clothes.You can do this! I'm trying to get two little sisters aged 4 and 6. I've been told I'm crazy etc. so I know how you feel. I used to live in a small one bedroom and got a housing voucher for a three bedroom place but everywhere I looked was a dump! I made it up in my mind that I would find something nice no matter what it took and
I did. I'm paying alot more for rent but it's worth it to know my girls will have a nice enviornment. I can't explain it
but when you really desire something that's positive the
Universe or God or whatever you believe in gets behind you and lends a hand.

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Originally Posted By Hattie

No. You aren't loosing your mind, and you're not a "jerk" for thinking about these things. If you weren't thinking about these things, there would be a problem. Adoptions disrupt because people don't think about these things. You can't just look at the warm and fuzzy side that says, "Wouldn't it be cool to have another kid." "It would be so great to give a needy kid a home." Yeah...great...cool...all that. But, some of these kids do have serious problems. Even the ones that don't carry their own baggage. All of them have been disappointed and abandoned by important people. You can't make a lifetime committment without weighting the pros & cons.

Spend some time talking about this with yourself. Don't just rely on other people to point out the negatives. Give yourself the freedom to acknowledge what you may consider unspeakable fears. Not the terrible things. But, acknowledge that your personal time will diminish significantly. There will be less money for the nice to haves. Etc. Spend time talking to your son about it. Ask him about his classes. Kids can be amazingly selfless, when given an opportunity.

In the end, remember you are the only one who can truly answer the question of whether or not this is a good fit for you and your son. Go ahead and take the classes. It is supposed to be a "mutual selection process". Both sides evaluate to see if it is a good fit. To wrap this long-winded answer up, I'll leave you with a quote from my foster/adopt trainer... "First in time, First in line." As aweful as it may seem to some, your first obligation is to the safety and welfare of your son.

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