[ebur]

all i want is my son they told me today that because of fia rules he could only be out of the place he is in for five nights a month he lives almost three hours from us. i am so sad right now that tears are pouring down my cheeks, they told us 5 month of going on this way when i already love him and just want him as our own, he has told us he hates it there and wants to be with us.
how do i say i know honey but you cant be. my heart hurt so much today thanks for listening!!!!!

[lucyjoy]

What is FIA and how are these rules decided? Normally, once a family has been identified and visits started, a plan for placement comes together fairly quickly. 5 months? This does not make sense to me(state rules are different, of course). Do you have an attorney and what does he say? My attornies were generally able to speed things up quite a bit for the sake of my kids. You might research that route. The state systems do some stupid things.

[ebur]

FAMILY INDEPENT AGENCY AND NO WE DONT HAVE A LAWYER IT BOILS DOWN TO THE FACT IF HE ISNT THERE THEY DONT GET THEIR MONEY FOR HIM BEING THERE !!! WHICH I THINK IS SO STUPID!!! I DIDNT THINK WE NEEDED A LAWYER DOES IT MATTER IF HE IS A WARD OF THE STATE????? THEY SAID IT WOULD TAKE 5 MONTHS FOR ALL THE PAPERWORK TO BE DONE AND WE COULDNT HAVE HIM UNTIL THEN.

[Lorraine123]

Is it across state lines? Are they talking about the interstate compact paperwork?

[ebur]

NO JUST ADOPTION PAPERWORK TO BE FINAL

[lucyjoy]

Normally, the child lives with the preadoptive family and then goes to finalization. Depends on the state what the time frame is. You almost always need a lawyer with an adoption. What excuse are they using for the 5 month delay? He won't be ready to be adopted for 5 months? Something is not adding up here at all. There is no way this is in this child's best interest unless there is a mental health concern that is keeping him from being ready for placement. Do you know any other OK parents who have adopted? They may know how to cut through this red tape.

[ebur]

OK BECAUSE I AM NEW WITH THIS I WILL TELL YOU WHAT HAS HAPPENED SO FAR WE TOOK CLASSES FOR FOSTER/ADOPT TWO YEARS AGO THEN WE DID A HOMESTUDY AND JUST UPDATED IT BECAUSE IT WAS EXPIRED WE ARE GOING THRU AN AGENGY AND THRU THE STATE OF MICHIGAN YOU LOOK AT CHILDREN ON THE MARE SITE. WE LOOKED AT ONE BOY WE WERENT CHOSEN, LOOKED AT ANOTHER BOY WE WERENT CHOSEN THEN ONE DAY OUR SW CALLED AND SAID THEY HAD A SIBLING GROUP OF THREE BOYS AND WE WERE GOING AHEAD WITH THAT AND THEY CAME BACK TWO DAYS LATER SAYING THEY MADE A MISTAKE AND WE COULDNT ADOPT THEM BECAUSE FAMILY LIVED RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER FROM US AND IT WASNT IN THE BEST INTERST OF THE BOYS (PRETTY BIG MISTAKE I THINK) THEN WE TOLD THEM WE WANTED TO TAKE A BREAK FROM THE WHOLE THING THEN ONE DAY WE GOT A CALL SAYING THEY THINK THIS BOY WOULD FIT PERFECTLY INTO OUR FAMILY THEY SENT US PAPERWORK ABOUT HIM AND WE DECIDED TO SAY YES WE STARTED VISITS WITH HIM ON APRIL 22ND AND WERE TOLD AT THAT TIME IT WOULD TAKE A PEROID OF TIME FOR ALL THE PAPERWORK TO BE FINISHED BEFORE HE COULD LIVE WITH US. WE HAD HIM LAST WEEKEND AND WAS GOING TO HAVE HIM THIS WEEKEND BUT OUR SW SAID WE COULD ONLY HAVE HIM FOR FIVE NIGHTS A MONTH SO WE SHOULD START DOING EVERY OTHER WEEKEND UNTIL THE PAPERWORK IS FINAL HOPE THAT HELPS

[lucyjoy]

Unless it takes an unusually long time for criminal and child abuse background checks in your state, the paper work should be easily done. The best advice I can offer is to go up the line until someone can explain how this is in the child's best interest. Push for him to have time to settle in before school starts in the fall. If it were me, I would contact a lawyer. YOu might want to post on the MI section of the forums. There are likely to be parents their that are familiar with how the system in your state workds and where to push to get things done. I've had a complete homestudy update with criminal checks completely done and written in 30 days. That's why the 5 months seems rather off. YOu may likely be right about them just wanting the money, but there has to be a way around this.

[ebur]

YES AND I STARTED TO PUSH NICELY BUT PUSHING I AM SO SICK TO MY STOMACH THAT THIS POOR CHILD HAS TO PUT UP WITH THIS FOR 5 MONTHS MORE.....

[dadfor2]

ebur

i have actually been hesitant to respond to your threads. i have been reading them and the more i read, the more i get concerned.

you have been geeting great suggestions on here.

does anyone see red flags all over the place, or is it just me.

this 10 yr old is in a group home, why?

the adoption social worker wont give you the issues the child has, why?

the child can only leave the program every other weekend, why?

i hate to bring this up, but it seems to me that this child is not ready to move into a family yet.

its definitly not for the money, the state would rather a child in a home because its cheaper, and they would just love to put a period at the end of this childs case.

i wouldnt rush into this. as much as you want this child, i just think the social worker is not being honest, but the group home feels the child cant handle more then every other weekend.

i know you love this child, i know you have been waiting a long time and you feel ready. BUt i would caution you to probably not even visit this child until you have all the information.

the last thing this child needs is a family that he is visiting who he is planning on being with, say, after they review this childs past history,that you cant handle a child with these issues.

i would put a break on the whole thing until you have all the information and are ready to make an intellegent, non-bias decision to parent this child. This will be the hardest thing you will have to do. To put away your heart and think with your head.

from what i have been reading, it seems, like others, including myself, that we went into this blind and the child had to pay a dear price for it including ourselves.

anyway, i just thought id step in a minute and say what was on my mind, it sounds real scarey and i think you are going with your heart and not your head at this point.

again, i would probably wait visitation, until you get all the information. i cant believe the adoption agency would let you meet this child before you knew everything, at least talked to all the people in the childs life, before you even met him.

something sounds real fishy to me.

dadfor2

[ebur]

thank you responding that is what i am on here for, and i do think that i have gotten alot of good advice for sure!

1.As far as the group home, they told us that was the only placement that was open when he returned from new york
he had grandparents there and there was signs of abuse so he came back.

2.The sw give us paperwork on his past and he was abused(final cleared that up)

3.they say FIA rules say he is only aloud to be out 5 nights a month, they say it is a law.

4 I have asked, they say he is ready to be adopted

5 I agree the group home has hinted that he is having troubles acting out.

6 i have asked on friday if i could talk to his houseparents and teachers. they said i could

i do think that my husband and i have gotten alot more information than we had before i stated talk on these threads i just dont know what else to ask or who to ask when i am told things are going well

i have felt from the beginning something was not right, but we are visiting with this child and do you think it would be a good idea to stop when we have already had 5 day visits and an weekend visit i just wished we would have gone with an different agengy, but yes they have giving us all the paperwork now and there isnt anything in it that has alarmed us not to adopt him,he is a great kid and yes i do love him. i thank you for responding and if there is any more red flags you see please let me know because i think we did go into this blindly, because of our agency i believe... thank erica

[dadfor2]

hi erica,

if you are your husband reviewed most of the paperwork, and feel confident that you can handle it, then by all means go with the visits.

i do have a suggestion. the group home, by law, is required to report on his daily moods, behaviors, restraints, things like that. you have every write to reivew this.

i would strongly suggest you to view those documents. also, you might want to see if he has any incident reports on file involving your son.

plus, after viewing his daily log, and if there are some issues you are concerned with, you might want to ask what the group home did to calm him, or intervine, and what worked and what didnt.

as others pointed out, traditional parenting does not work with some of these kids. you will h ave to learn how different way to parent him then the way some of us were parented.

again, i dont know this child, who knows, you can read in his log "had a great day today" "helped joe with his homework"....you never know

we also went into this blind. if i didnt love my boys so much, they are siblings, 6 and 8 now, i would of disrupted a long time ago.

no one knew half the issues these kids had, plus our dreams and heart got in the way of making a rational decision.

anyway, welcome to the special needs site...we need all the support we can get, even if its people who we may never met.

this site is wonderful, even if we might not agree with everything being posted, i have come to respect and admire each and every person i have chatted with and got to know out here.

anyway, go read those daily logs, thats where you will find all your answers. histories are very important, but how the child is handling it, well, thats whats going to help you parrent him better.

dadfor2

[sues250]

I agree with dad and Lucy. Get all the information you can. I love my daughter very much but if I would have known all the behaviorally issues up frount my decision to adopt may not have been different but how I handled issues would have been different.

The issue with the group (in Ohio) maybe is with the 5 nights is if it is a licenced Medicaid bed in the group home maybe if he does not maintain at least a certain number of days a month in the home he will lose the placement. The other thing could be as simple as the money for the agency especially if it is a private non profit. They get paid per day for each bed they have filled. Some smaller agencies have to maintain full capacy to be able to pay staff, make the bills etc. It sounds cold and playing the system but sometimes if the child is in the facility for a short while each day the agency can still say they was in the door. I worked with medically fragile children and one child was moving into the home I worked at and he went by ambulance from the hospital where he had been for several months to come into the home to be admitted and then went back to the hospital that same night. Sounds really stupid and I still think so but it is away around the system.

[dadfor2]

i believe, the social worker can help you with getting the boy to your house also. her goal is for this child to be adopted, so if you need any help with the transportation, then she should be doing it...its part of her job.

as for the money with the bed. the group home will still be paid for the empty bed as long as the child is still admitted there. They call it 'bed days'...each month, if the child is a resident in the group home, then they get paid.

If the child takes a week to 'visit' you, then he is still considered a resident in the group home and will get paid.

i think sues had a good point around the health insurance, it could be that he needs to be there a certain number of days or he loses his placement.

its one of those "he is either here, or there, pick one" so that could be it too.

I really dont think money is the issue, i think its more how the group home is set up

dadfor2

[ebur]

dadfor2,

I can't thank you enough I am going to call the group home right now and ask to see the daily log sheets and talk to them about the things in your thread I had no idea you could do that.


sues250,

they told me that if he wasnt in the placement he would lose his spot do you know anymore about what you said about medcaid bed?

thank you again, erica