[1of2moms]

It was suggested that I post over here rather in the general adoption area. Do any of you have experience adopting siblings under the age of 5? We are just starting the process (Pride classes start tomorrow for fc, homestudy papers in but no meetings yet) and are very interested in siblings. Most of the posts I have read have involved older kids and as a same-sex Jewish couple, we feel the younger the kids, the better, though we do want siblings.

Advice, thoughts, experiences?

[Rosemary G.]

The youngest siblings I have adopted were twin babies born prematurely, and sent home to me from the hospital at ounces from 5 lbs. each. The oldest siblings were 4 and 6 years old. I think you are very wise in choosing children under 5. They will be MUCH the best at accepting new life adventures without question. Incidentally, that 6 year old daughter would have been accepting of ANY mother who loved her.

[riley6]

We got our two youngest as foster children. They were 2 and 5 yr old siblings. They were the HARDEST children we have ever parented in our lives! Don't always think that younger is easier. Both had RAD and gave us a run for our money (yeah, what money?).

We have had over 20 kids as foster children. Maybe you would like to foster first, to get some experience about the issues you might have to deal with?

Congratulations on the decision to adopt older/sibling group!

[Rosemary G.]

That's a very good point. The hardest children I ever had were very hyperactive, with FAS and FAE. They were little when I got them, too. When children are young, you can't always tell what they are going to be like.

I was thinking before, solely about children, and their acceptance of new life experiences at different ages.

[Again!]

My experience is limited to two sibling groups, but I can say firmly that 10 and 11 were much easier that 3, 4, 5. And I don't think the extra child in the second group was the factor, it is just harder to reason with the little ones! Interestingly, the diagnoses in the two groups were also very similar...ADD, PTSD, receptive expressive language disorder (minor, in other words :>).

[yael]

I think a whole lot depends on the specific situation. We were very fortunate to adopt identical twin girls (Jewish) one at a time at 14 months old and 17 months old. They had been apart a much of their lives, but are VERY bonded. At 2.5, there are some issues arising now. They were very premature and one of the girls has more health issues (the first to come to us). However, it is the healthier girl who is now showing the effects of not having a loving family early on. She is very tense, throws many tantrums, and has many fears. I know we will work through these, but just want to make the point that what you see may not be what you get and that NO situation (including newborn infant) is going to be issue-free.

I think you are absolutely right in adopting younger children, though. Even my biological children begin to think that everything I do is nuts after they reach a certain age! Best of luck to both of you.

Yael

[HappyMomAnna]

Our siblings were 1 and 5 when placed.

I think you should take your classes and pay careful attention to the various issues and problems a special needs child/children might have. Often the younger children simply have not been in care or are not old enough to diaginos with any real issue and often those issues show up later when the children mature or feel safe in your home.

There are benefits to adopting younger--but it takes time to jump in and learn all the things about a younger child. Siblings can be a big change as there is more then one child to deal with...

Take your classes and keep an open mind sometimes during the course of our education our minds are changed. During the classes make a list of issues that you know you could handle and issues you know you would never be able to deal with...this can very much help when you start looking for a match.

[crick]

It's so hard to say what the experience will be like! Every kid is different and every situation/background is different.

We adopted a sibling group of 4 kids, between the ages of 2-5. It's been almost 2 years and we've had very few issues and mostly minor issues at that. Our daughter was 4 and out of all of the kids, she has had the most issues with bonding and trust. While we have our days, and even weeks etc. with her, overall, the process has been a very positive one for us. None of our kids show signs of RAD, etc.

Certainly educate yourselves on every possible issue that might arise and keep an open mind through out the classes because they will often give you the worst case scenarios. Also be very honest with yourselves on what kind of issues you feel you can deal with and which ones you can't.

Crick

[1of2moms]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I had not thought about the communication/reasoning problems with younger kids. As for fostering first, we do not have any biological children and really would like to have some that we will not have to give back before we consider fostering. I think that at this point the grief would be too much for me to handle.

We have also discussed taking queer identified teens, though if we have little ones in the house, I don't know that we will do that. We are working on a list of issues we don't think we could handle, and it may limit us or even cause us to consider infant adoption, which we have really not focused on.

It has been good to read some success stories, I will say, after all the negatives I have been getting. I guess everyone wants us to go into this with our eyes wide open but what they have almost done is make me not want to do this (on the bad days).

[Rosemary G.]

Don't be discouraged. Think of negative and discouraging input as some extracurricular training in patience. That's what I used to tell myself when the adoption process, in all of its W A I T I N G used to seriously get me down! There are children all over the place who need your family, and the love you have to give.

[dadfor2]

1of2moms

we adopted a 4 and 6 yr old boys.

we also choose not to foster, because we just couldnt see letting them go.

it has been a very bumpy road, but things are starting to settle down. they are becoming just boys.

the nightmares are stopping, the bedwetting has been stopping...and im hoping things are going to get easier.

we too were first time parents. as much as i like to say, that our dreams were answered.....lol...well, lets just say, now we have different dreams.

alot depends on expectations.

i cant imagine my life without my boys. I love them with all my heart.

good luck...siblings are a trip, they have been worth every smile, every laugh, and every tear that i have felt.

oh, by the way, "queer identified teens". is that some new label on gay teens now?...just kinda got a little weired out by it.

dadfor2

[1of2moms]

dadfor2
"queer identified" can cover gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, crossdressing, really confused even. Just a more encompassing label, really. And with what some of these kids have been through, they have every right to be really confused.

[dadfor2]

I just never heard of 'queer identified'

here in mass. the word 'queer' is considered offensive, so i was just wandering.

anyway, definitly look into a sibling group. its always wonderful if the siblings can stay together.

dadfor2

[DeedyDavis]

all of the other posts I have found to be very much the case but also...the siblings have each other as a safety net and some spark of stability amidst all the changes....