[Archive]

At 38 I am longing for a family of my own, and have begun exploring the possibilities of adoption. As a single parent applicant, I have been told my adoption choices would be limited to special needs children. The term "special needs" seems to be used extremely broadly. I am more comfortable with certain "needs" than others.

1. What is an agency required to disclose about a child who has "special needs"? How does a prospective parent gage the severity of the problem? Are agencies forthcoming or do they tend to hide problems?

I have the means to care for several children and may consider a sibling group or older children.

2. Are there any written materials on how the majority of older children feel about the possibility of adoption? Is this something children seek for themselves? A co-worker once told me about her troubled family life. She periodically alternated between foster care, and a children's home (orphanage), throughout her childhood. She stated at 11, she did not want to be in a foster home, nor did she seek adoption. She liked the structure and independence provided in the children's home, without the pressure of pretending (her words)feelings she did not have. Is this a common feeling among children who have been in the system for a great deal of time? Where can I find out more about the success rate of adopting older children? I would love to read some information from both the parent and child's perspective. Thank you for your assistance.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Rinda

Well, your best route may be to foster parent first. The
thing you have to remember is that every child is a unique
person and she will have her own feelings and thoughts of
adoption. I am a single mother to two daughters ages seven
and four who I adopted under the special needs conditions
due the type of abuse they were victums to and their sibling
status.

From what I've learned over the past few years the one thing
that makes a big difference is how you handle things as a
parent. (Also older kids will amost always be terrified of
being returned. Statisitics show that at least 25% of
special needs adoptions fail.)

So, my advice is to get to really know the child and ask the
child if she would like to be part of your family. There
are a lot of kids out there that really would love to be part
of a family.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By karen

hi - we are in the process of adopting (to be finalized mid june) 7yr and 3yr old half siblings who have been in the state system since 96 (4 placements) All has gone relatively well. Now the 7yr old is displaying negative and today dangerous behavior (pulled live electrical wires out of box at daycare) Won't give reasons other than "I wasn't thinking - I don't know or worse of all - I felt like it." Teacher also says attitude has changed in past week. No major events have taken place and his behavior at home is never an issue. We have grounded him, restricted and taken away privledges with no response from him - just bad reports from school and daycare on a now daily basis. Have contacted adoption worker who tells us this is somewhat typical towards the end of the pre-adoptive placement time. His MO in the past has been to act out enough times to be moved to another caregiver. The 4yr old is developmentally delayed and is very bonded to us. We thought the same of the 7yr old, although now feel as though he is looking for a way out of here. (We have rules, expectations of him, boundaries etc.) We wonder if, at seven, he understands the system he has grown up in enough to manipulate it to his liking - (I'll stay here as long as it pleases me, but I know how to get out if I want to) I feel committed to this child and am looking for ways to cope with this behavior, my spouse is loosing faith. The adoption worker is scheduling a psych eval and intervention with a crisis team to come out and work with the 7yr old. Any thoughts - anyone gone through this (as a side note, I have three grown birth children 21, 18 and 15, and until recently felt competent as a parent, but am feeling I am on shaky ground this time around) - thank you. K

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Patty

Some states are more honest than others in describing problems. We went through a nightmare. We were given 3 children that we were told by the state were "problem free." Less than a year later, one of the children, just age 6, was in the children's hospital, diganosed as oppositional defiant, reactive detachment disorder and severe ADHD. The hospital, when the insurance would not pay, said they would keep him for free, that he was too dangerous to release back home. They said he was one of the "toughest cookies" they had seen in 15 plus years. Not what we thought we were getting! And the other two children had very significant problems too. But the children were told that we were their forever mommy and daddy before we had even met them and the pressure to make it work was tremendous. Ultimately it did not work. Insist on psychological tests for any child you are considering. Talk to their teachers, former foster parents, ask for their files. Find out what happened to them those first two years of life.

Good luck to you. We are trying again too.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By polishangel

read your letter about adopting thru the state.My son whom is adopted from the state also.He seemed well adjusted at first at age 3 yrs old but the older he gets the more trouble he seems to find himself in>He has been diagonsed with ADD but I think there are more issues there.After the finial adoption is complete it does seem like we are left hanging loving these children but not knowing what to do. How do you find good counsler that knows how to deal with the adoption issues these kids have? thank polishangel

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Graham

Hi Angel,
The lack of therapists who understand adoption issues is recognized as a major problem for adoptive families across the nation. The federal government has funded some agencies, including my own, to provide training to therapists in the community to give them the knowledge and skills that they nned to help effectively. Without that, they often think YOU are crazy!
The only solution for you is to call local adoption agencies and see who they recommend. If that fails, start interviewing therapists. ask them what adoption training they've had, do they know what the seven core isses are (see Sharon Kaplin page on this website), and how do isses of the adoption triad manifest themselves through life? Then go with the one who you and your child feels most comnfortable with, given their answers.
Good luck with your search!

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Barbara Hernandez

Be even more careful in FLA because there is no such thing here as getting a file,and the workers down here really dont know or care if you know any details on the child. We have been thru almost 5 yrs of the same as you have and there is no help for us . We adopted from someone who had adopted them fromthe state and was ready to give these children back due to the behaviors they exhibit,.

[Archive]

We did not adopt through the state, but adopted a 5 y.o.
internationally. She was very quiet and shy at first, had
abandonment issues, but also acted out. I think your social
worker may be right, he is acting out toward the end of
placement. Our 5 y.o. tantrumed, was jealous of anyone else
in the family spending time with others in the family, and
reacted. She also knew how to work all the angles, and
thought that as long as you didn't get caught, it was okay.
But we have dealt with lots of right and wrong issues, and (no flames please) used scripture to back up what we say,
such as 'don't steal' with the 'thou shalt nots.' Discipline is so important, but it MUST be done lovingly and without anger. I'm still working on that. I, too, have grown children, and this child threw me for a loop at first. Also, I am a SAHM, and I believe not having contact with other
children for awhile was a plus for our daughter. She HAD to
get used to the family.
We are in the process of adopting a 5 y.o. boy, hopefully. So it can get better -- with lots of prayer. :-)

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Hattie

DO NO GIVE UP!!! As an adopted child myself, I can assure you that this boy doesn't truly want to leave a loving home. However, he is old enough to understand the concept of adoption, at least to the point of being a permenant part of your family. Now the distorted part! As you near the time of finalization, he will most likely do everything possible to disrupt the placement. Why? Because, if he disrupts the placement, he controls the rejection. Deep down, he doesn't feel he is lovable. Deep down, the people he was born with an innate need to trust and bond to, abandoned him - abused him - HURT him. Somewhere inside the mind of a 7 year old, it's better to just go ahead and get the inevitable (your rejection) out of the way. Stick with him through this. Talk to him about your unconditional love. He probably won't admit what is going on, in fact, he probably doesn't realize what is going on. However, sit him down...get kindly "in his face" and tell him that he is going to be your son...forever...no matter what. Tell him that he might not believe it now, but you're not going to give up on him, so he might as well chill! Whatever you tell him, don't be one more person who fails him. Once the adoption is finalized, he'll calm back down again. Someday, it may take several years, you will have a son who trusts you to always be there for him.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Graham

Hattie, thank you so much for taking the time to share the truth of family building, from someone who was there. You describe the process perfectly, and the importance of unconditional commitment. If commitment is truly there it will hold steady even when the power of love falters and seems to die. We offer our parents the thought that the light at the end of the tunnel is real, though not always visible as the journey progresses. The reward is the emergence from the tunnel, intact!
Love to you.
graham.

[Archive]

For what it's worth, positive reinforcement for the desired behavior really does work, while punishment probably won't achieve the results you want in the long run. Be consistent, loving, and CALM. You are being tested. Good luck.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Graham

Hattie, thank you so much for taking the time to share the truth of family building, from someone who was there. You describe the process perfectly, and the importance of unconditional commitment. If commitment is truly there it will hold steady even when the power of love falters and seems to die. We offer our parents the thought that the light at the end of the tunnel is real, though not always visible as the journey progresses. The reward is the emergence from the tunnel, intact! Love to you. graham.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Daizy

Hello....I have a complicated problem....
my stepfather, who is 72 y.o, has a grandaughter and a grandson who's father is incapable of caring for them and whose mother simply does not want them. He is at a loss of what to do. He took his grandaughter in and was raising her for about 5 years however she became a very difficult child with many, many emotional problems and acts out very, very badly. He was forced to put her back with her mom, who does not want her.

His grandson...the brother of his granddaughter, was adopted by a nice family about 6 years ago..however, they have decided that the boy is far to wild and is out of their control so they sent him to be with his mother as well. Now the children's mom is complaining to my stepfather that she can not handle the kids and that she does not want them or the responsibility of them.

The children have been through a lot of bad expereinces and are extremely troubled kids. The have a lot of emotional distress. The girl is almost 9 and the boy is around 10 or
11.

My request is for any information on how to help these children as we love them very very much. My stepfather can not take care of them and raise them and even I have no idea how to care for them because of their extreme emotional distress and bad behavior. We do not want to lose contact with them... however the situation with their mother is getting worse and worse. She simply does not care about them or want them and lets them know it.

I don't know if their are families who are trained to care for children such as these or not. They are very loving kids... they just need a lot of help. More help than my stepfather or i can give them.

If you could please give me any information at all on maybe ways of helping them or if they would be better in an adoptive home with parents trained to take care of their needs and who would love them very very much... i would greatly appreciate it.

Please help....I don't believe in giving up on kids. There has to be some way or someone who can help them.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this and for any information you may be able to provide us with.

Sincerely Troubled

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Graham

Hello Daizy,
How sad for your step grandchildren......., and for you and your family. Your story is really a classic tale of the failure of our systems of childrearing and caring. My answer to you depends on the nature of the community in which you live. If you have local officials who have policies that are caring and supportive of families then you should be able to find that your local child protection agency will be of assistance to you. Even though you do not suggest that the children and victims of abuse, you may be successful in an argument that they are victims of neglect. The grandparents are not legally obligated to provide care, and it sounds as if they have already done all that they feel they can. The mother and father are legally obligated to provide care but if they have not been doing so, and refuse to do so, then CPS has the grounds to intervene on the basis of parental abandonment. Unfortunately this is usually treated as a crime, so parents who honestly don't want to raise their children are forced to do so to avoid prosecution. Nevertheless, you may find CPS helpful in getting the children the services that they appear to need. There may be voluntary services available in your communitry that could help the grandparents in their efforts, and CPS will know how to access those resources.
Local government generally will want to avoid bringing children into foster care, for both social policy and financial reasons. However, they must do so if neglect exists and the children are in need of professional care. The trick is to convince them to do so. Local government knows that it cannot be the solution to the disintegration of the family system, but it does have the means to help when it is clear that all else has failed.

Good luck in your efforts!
Let us know how it goes.......

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Monique

hi
I am too embarrassed to ask this question. I live in Auburn, California. I have been married for 11 yrs, with one 8 yr old boy. I checked out fostering a child and was given a sheet with ages and amounts recieved for children. I have always wanted to adopt, but was afraid we couldn't afford it. I only work 20 hrs or so ( my Husb & I each own a business) and would like to put this child in private school with our 8yr old son. It would cost about 300.00 a month. I was an sub aide in Special Education which gives me a good background. We are Seventh Day Adventists and I would like to keep the child in our church school, unless the child prefers a school they already attended.Thanks so much for the information