[Shoshana]

Background: I have been in reunion with my bio-family for years. I have two bio-half sisters. For the past 5 years, I have lived in the same town as my birthmother & the one sister, Laurie.

Laurie is divorced and a mom of 2 kids. She is remarkably immature, self-centered, and frequently, down-right mean (we've used the word wicked to describe her). Laurie married Paul 6 yrs ago. Paul's 1st wife left him & her then 2-yr-old daughter. Emily had been neglected, the wife had a drug problem. Paul kept her in day care while he worked. Emily has always had 'problems' which Paul & Laurie blame on her mother. No one has seen the mother since, and Emily is now 13. Laurie's two kids walk on water. Emily is the bane of Laurie's existence.

The family life is extremely chaotic with Emily being the symptom bearer when the marriage is in trouble, and the scapegoat when Laurie is in one of her moods. Last year on Emily's 12th birthday, Laurie got mad because Emily went to bed without a bath. Emily slept in the van, alone, all night long - it was 35 degrees outside. I reported it to DHS.

I'm trying to keep this as brief as possible. Laurie honestly has an intense dislike for Emily and is constantly criticizing, making unfair punishments, separating her from other members of the family (Laurie's family). She won't allow Emily to spend time with her Grandmother (Laurie's mom) alone because it's "not fair" to Laurie's kids... That sort of stuff. Emily watches my dogs after school and when the chaos erupts, spends even more time with me.

It looks like Emily may move in with me. She wants to, Laurie certainly wants her out of the house, and Paul is at his wits end and is ready for peace at any cost. He is not terribly involved with Emily and has been unable to intervene when needed (he slept in bed the night Emily spent in the van).

Emily is dx'd with ADHD and is medicated. She gets fair grades, probably C average. She has trouble getting up in the morning (b/c of the meds, imo), and 'forgets' to bring her homework home). She is a good kid - given her experiences, her adjustment is pretty amazing. Emily knows Laurie doesn't like her, she doesn't believe her father loves her. She does believe that I love her and she is able to accept affection from me. It has taken her quite a while to attach to me, but I know she is.

I'm offering to let her live with me because it breaks my heart to see her treated like dirt, to see her pain, and to see this beautiful child grow up believing she is nothing but a problem and unloveable. Laurie is incapable of change, the marriage is a disaster, Laurie's kids treat her horribly, and they change therapists on a regular basis so no help on this front.

So what sorts of things can I do to facilitate this arrangement? What sorts of guidelines neeed to be worked out? I have to admit that I am a little afraid - I have a new baby (whom Emily loves dearly) and am single. Paul has said he will provide support - I live a mile from their house, and from Emily's school.

Thanks for reading this long post and I really am looking forward to receiving your suggestions.

[echaos]

Hey Elizabeth, I have no words of advice but just wanted to applaud you for stepping up and helping this girl!!! Are you looking to take on legal guardianship, or only have her stay with you with her father maintaining custody? Have you talked to Emily about it? I'm assuming she would be thrilled with the arrangment.

It's a lot to take on, I wish you the best!

Elizabeth,

My heart breaks for this little girl. I can never understand how adults can be so nasty to children.

I think Andy answered your question regarding guardianship. I just want ot say how much I respect what you doing. Reading these boards sometimes does redeem human nature in my eyes.

I think (whatever its worth) is that this may add to your life...if she is able to stay on the straight and narrow, and you already have a loving relationship it just may be good for both of you AND little xio also. It sounds like she needs someone in her court!!!

Donna

[Peggy]

I think if her current family is in favor of the idea, then go ahead. I don't really know how to go about doing it. You could talk to a social worker. The family would probably be able to voluntarily give you legal guardianship (temporary or permanent), or have you be a relative/foster placement. I think the first few months or first year would be difficult as far as time for yourself, planning things, money and probably a lot of school involvement. But your daughter will have some one else who loves her, and a big sister.

[Jensboys]

We took in our 13 year old neice as well. Some guidelines I would start from the beginning (from experience here)

1) Get something in writing from her dad that you are caring for her. Our situation went really well until the child started thriving and the dad got jealous and did his best to undermine/disrupt and was eventually successful. Very sad for the child!

2) We also had a baby at the time of placement ... our 13 year old ADORED the baby and it was a bonding factor. But be fully aware that you are introducing a sibling to your child. Our baby (now 3) still has a VERY Special relationship with our teen ... even though she moved out after a year. He grieved quite hard at her leaving and, I feel, still views her as an absent sibling. She came for a visit two weeks ago for a week and he SOBBED at her leaving. It was a strange for me to watch ... and I wasnt fully prepared. (we have 3 others that LOVE her but were very tired of the antics of having a teen in the house).

3)Understand FULLY that being an "aunt" to her is VERY different than being a parent. Expect a honeymoon period followed by a whole lot of sh**. Suddenly every testing behaviour in the book comes out. I know you work full time ... can you handle the calls from the school? Who is going to supervise her after school hours (trust me--- at this age its EVEN more )important!).


It can be really wonderful (and we had some wonderful times) but it was also the MOST emotionally draining thing I have ever done. Parenting a child you know and love and being unable to fulfill their desires from long ago when their parents failed is REALLY TOUGH. Remember, your baby has to be your first priority.

May you make a wise decision!

[lucyjoy]

It will be really hard not to feel sorry for her, just make sure not to allow her to use her past as an excuse to avoid things.(Seems logical, but really hard to actually do)

Be sure she isn't allowed to triagulate the adults and doesn't use you to throw dirt in your sister's face. Not productive for her and will lead to worse problems.

Be clear about the rules up front and follow through with the consequences even when you don't want to.

YOu might want to find a therapist familiar with attachment because her mom left her at two and never looked back so who knows what the first two years looked like and now she feels abandoned by her dad and replaced by other kids. She's bound to have major issues with trust.

Legal guardianship is probably your only good option, although legal custody can be done in some states or power of attorney.
But be aware, all of these can be reversed by the father at any time.

[Stormy]

Well, I think Jen can give much better advice than I, having gone down this road before. However, in reading your post I did have a few thoughts harking back to when we did foster care.

One thing that i learned was that the Bio. or present family can be very territorial. Even in situations where it is obvious that they either don't want to, or can't care for a child. As you journey down this road I would try to keep that present in your mind. I have even seen foster?adopt parents disrupt an adoption and still try to control the childs placement in the next home. Almost as if fighting it will redeem them from their failings as parents.

Another thing that I think is something to consider in this situation is the bio. mother. What is her legal standing? Could she disrupt this child's being placed with you if she wasn't with her father? Do you have a relationship with the bio mom and would she support the child living with you?

It seems very clear that you are one of the sadly few bright spots in this childs life. It would be horrible for this child if you weren't in her life at all. So I would say to be very careful as you consider what choices you make in this.

If there were an issue where DSS were to take the child into custody you may be able to do a kinship placement. HOwever, should the child come into custody they woudl have to consider placing her with the bio mom again. If the bio mom said no, then DSS may see you as the very best next choice. If you already have a completed homestudy it woudl be very easy for them to update it for their purposes.

And if moving in perminently weren't an option, what if you hired her to baby sit for you every afternoon and then offered for her to spend the weekends with you. This may be a way to have her with you 80% to 90% of the time and still make the parents feel in control. It may give you an opportunity to test and see if this works well for you. And it may make the offer of her staying long term easier to offer to the parents. It may be that they would feel that it was better when she spends the night at your home too.

I wish you luck in all this. It is wonderful that you have provided this child with a safe place to relax.

[Shoshana]

Thanks for your support and advice --

Triangulation -- Emily doesn't do this at all. It's like pulling teeth to get her to talk about what's going on at home, or to talk about how she's feeling. When she responds to direct questions, she does so matter of factly, with no drama, no criticism. Laurie is the one who triangulates. She vents ad nauseum to anyone and everyone about Emily's problems - in front of both of her kids and Emily. I have always been very clear with Emily that I think Laurie is being unfair, mean, or worse - and that I love her and understand. Some of the stuff is just crazy making and to keep silent, imo, does the child a greater injustice.

Bio-Mom - has not seen Emily since she left town 11 years ago. Even her parents don't know where she is. Laurie has made quite an effort to blame the bio-mom for all of Emily's problems, to tell Emily that she's going to be just like her mother, etc. Emily doesn't say much about her mom.

Jealousy - I can see this being a huge issue. Laurie is twisted by jealousy at the drop of a hat. If Emily is happier here, if her "problems" improve, then I can see Laurie being jealous. She has a 'need' to pathologize Emily. It will be very tricky to manage this.

Therapy - Emily has seen three different therapists in the past year. Laurie and/or Paul have put her in theapy and pulled her out with no valid reason. I see the therapeutic relationships Emily has had as actually recreating the trauma and lack of strong attachment figures in her life. The current therapist is working with the whole family (but really, just Emily, Paul, & Laurie, -- Laurie doesn't want the 'perfect' children to have to participate).

Questions - If this happens, I want to do everything possible to maximize her chances for success and happiness. I thought of letting Emily pick her 'chore' and having a set 'chore time' each night, were we both work. I could also do my 'homework' when she does hers. What sorts of things do you all recommend as far has chores, homework, and participation in the house?

Thanks!

Can she watch the baby whle you are doing something else? It may make her feel important and needed?

BTW...what does triangulate mean??? sounds like strangualte to me!!!

[Shoshana]

To triangulate is to put down, talk about, or criticize one person to another. You know, the old high school modus operandi. If I talk badly about Susie, you'll be my friend and hate Susie.

Actually, Emily is teriffic with Xio. She's going to take a Red Cross Baby Sitting class for certification. She changes her, feeds her, and plays like a trooper. (Emily just turned 13 last week and is a young 13 both emotionally and hormonally ;-)

It's a great help to me to have Emily here and playing with Xio but I don't want her to feel like she is here as a baby-sitter, or that it is a burden. I'll need to find a balance

[lucyjoy]

Triagulation is telling one adult one thing and another something else. MY niece use to call her mom and tell her how awful her dad was and that she wanted to live with her. Then she'd hang up the phone and call her dad and tell her how horrible her mom was and that she wanted to live with him. They basically say whatever the person wants to here in order to get the reaction they want.

My children over 12 each do their own laundry, help cook once a week, keep their rooms clean and each do a 15 to 30 minute daily chore. We rotate to who does bathrooms etc. Because you are a single mom, you may want to share a lot of the chores and do them together. Maybe both cook and clean up etc.

Making babysitting a chore might cause her to resent the baby. Allowing her to help out as part of the family will help her feel like a part of things.

[Debra]

I apologize in advance if I come across a little strong, but this is a real touchy subject for me. So touchy in fact, that I felt the need to post for the first time in two years (I was a pretty regular poster on the OLD boards back in the day of yrand and Indy and Barki and even before Mike got his son). But I do lurk here regularly. Anyway, we adopted a sibling group (boy 11, girl 14) 2 years ago.
Long story, but overall, it has not been a positive experience and I would not do it again. Mainly due to DD, now 16. She is beautiful, smart, well behaved, polite, great with kids and babies, etc. I swear when you were describing your niece, it sounded just like my DD. Or should I say, just like my DD IN PUBLIC. Since the adoption, we've discovered she has attachment disorder, ADHD, ODD, and bipolar. Yet the public (and our families) only see a (slightly immature) ANGEL. She does not complain to them, she acts the role of martyr. If asked why she isn't allowed to do something, she gazes sadly at the floor and says softly "My parents won't let me." If pressed for a reason WHY her parents won't let her, she will say "Because I need to earn their trust first."
Because at home, the fact is she lies and steals and defies us and breaks every rule. Everytime she is given any freedom, she abuses it (latest situation was we let her spend the night with a friend, first time in over a six months, and she smoked pot there!)
We won't let her date, but did let her have a boy she liked come over to the house for dinner and to watch a movie with the family. We left the room for about 5 minutes and came back to find her sitting on his lap "making out". I could go on and on....
Our friends and family think DH and I are the meanest parents in the world. If I had a dime for everytime they said "Lighten up a little bit. Kids will be kids. Blah blah blah." I DO have a tendency to complain about DD (see the way I'm venting here to total strangers) so it could easily APPEAR that I am harsh and judgemental and overly critical. I used to be the most easy-going flexible person in the world. DD has taught me some harsh lessons. I know it is not her fault, and I need to help her as much as possible. She is headed for a rough life as an adult.
I think it's GREAT that you want to help your niece. She needs all the love and support she can get. I just get the feeling (and I could be very wrong) that you are being manipulated a little by her. You've gotten some great advice here. I would say you need to be VERY clear about boundries and expectations. Kids like this need a LOT of structure and routine. You can always ease up later. Lucyjoy gave great advice about chores, etc. I agree 100%.
This is supposed to be a positive post, there are just so many things I wish I would have done differently initially with my DD, if I had only known then what I know now. It's harder now, because I'm worn out from her antics and manipulations.
But I'm not giving up.
Good luck, and like I said, if I'm way off base here, please forgive me.

[Shoshana]

I am positive that Emily is not manipulating me. I've been the only adult in her life for the past five years that she has been close to and trusted. She isn't 'sweet', she isn't 'dramatic', she doesn't play the 'martyr', and she doesn't criticize her father or step mother. Perhaps more importantly, I know that while Emily does have emotional problems, the true pathology does lie with Laurie.

I have been the recipient of Laurie's (my bio-half-sister) rage on more than one occasion. She's --still-- angry (40 some years later) b/c her mother had premarital sex -- she's known me since she was 17 and I was 20.

When Laurie found out that a close friend was gay, not only did she go to her friend's parents house at 3:00 a.m., and wake them up to tell them that their daughter was going to hell, she distributed anti-homosexual pamphlets at her friend's apartment complex & place of employment.

Emily has encopresis (occasionally she is unable to fully control her bowel movements - it's a medical problem which is exacerbated by stress). During a birthday party for Laurie's son (who is one year older than Emily and who attends the same school), Laurie started screaming at Emily because she found a pair of dirty hidden underwear - she told 15 boys that Emily "poops her pants."

I can't even count the number of barbecues and holiday dinners at Grandma's house where everyone but Emily attended.

Laurie drives her kids to school, Emily walks alone on a regular basis.

Laurie tells Emily to ride her bike somewhere, then chases her down the street to tell her to walk instead when she figures its a worse punishment.

Laurie's kids tell Emily the only reason she's living in "their" house is because she doesn't have her own mother. Laurie's kids constantly belittle and criticize Emily, with no sanctions.

Last year when Emily was kicked out of the house at 11 pm on her birthday to sleep in the van, Laurie literally took every present, from every person, and threw them away.

Perhaps worse than these episodes is the constant attitude of disdain that Laurie directs towards Emily in contrast to the near adulation she exhibits towards her children. There is no balance, fairness, or boundaries in this household.

And Paul? Well, if Paul stands up for Emily, then the rage is directed at him. When this happens, it often becomes physical - the police were called last year for domestic violence towards Paul. He's a passive bystander most of the time.

Throughout this adversity, the one trait of Emily's that stands out is that she is concerned for others' feelings. She hates to see a child hurt and tries her hardest to make sure no one is ever left out. She rarely asks for anything, my hunch is that she doesn't want to 'cause problems.'

Emily's problems: Diagnosed ADHD, but I suspect the symptoms are triggered by anxiety. Encopresis which improves with a high fiber diet. Extreme morning grogginess, a symptom of the meds. Difficulty working to her potential - she gives up easily, low motivation. Horrible self-esteem, but masked fairly well -- it's almost painful to watch her try to accept a compliment, no matter how trivial. Difficulty trusting and slow to attach - but frankly, she hasn't had many opportunities.

I'm worried because it's a huge commitment - I'm worried when I'm no longer in the role of the 'fun' aunt, when the honeymoon wears off, and when day to day life and homework and chores set in. Aaargh!

I suppose there IS a remote possibility that I'm completely full of it, and that I've been totally snowed. I really doubt it tho', because I've seen SO much over the years. The alternative explanation is that given the adversity this child has lived with, she's one of the most resilient individuals I've ever met.

[Debra]

Well, anyway you look at it, it is obviously not a good situation for Emily to be with Laurie. Her parenting seems to be a bit extreme. Boundaries are neccessary, but love and affection must be present also. I confess I struggle with this, because I'm often angry and frustrated. You really seem to have a great understanding of this situation, especially the "honeymoon" period and what happens when you stop being the "fun" Aunt.
It was just such a slap in the face to me when my DD showed her "true colors", and I will say that I am pretty much a realist who had done extensive research on older child adoption and the issues involved. It was just so different when it really happened and I had no idea I would take it so personally. So if you can get past that, you'll do great. Because you are right, it is scary, and once you commit (and I definately think you should) it's going to be "all or nothing" and she will probably try to sabotage it just to protect herself from being hurt and rejected yet again. Just be prepared, and don't get discouraged. There is hope for these damaged kids, it just takes a lot of time and effort and a real thick skin.
You are to be admired! Emily is a very lucky girl to have you in her life. She certainly needs someone "in her corner".
Thanks for not being offended by my very strong opinions

[lucyjoy]

The more you describe this situation, the more it screams attachment to me. Sorry, I know you don't feel that way and I hate to be a downer, but consider the impact on your baby.
Also, the parents are in counseling with the child. Are they all for you taking her? Maybe you could take her for the summer to give everybody a break and to let you get a truer picture of your neice's needs? If everybody decides to go ahead with you as the parent, would it be possible for you to do some sessions with her currant family therapist with and without the other adults?
Might help to know what direction to work.