[lumina]

We have a 7 yr old who is developmentally delayed/non-verbal/hard-of-hearing/physically delayed. He does around 125 signs, and gestures to get what he wants (or throw tantrums). But, doesn't have any self-protective skills.

We have just finished the classes for the fostercare/adopt program in Washington state. Needless to say, we are concerned for our childs welfare. Are there any hints out there to make this an easier transition for our son, and to keep any abuse from happening to him????

I was thinking we wouldn't take any kids older than him, limiting their sheer size.

Any other hints would be helpful.

I think he would really like to have a sibling, as long as they treated him decent (which obviously doesn't always happen).

[MissPeach]

I think that you are going to be faced with some tough decisions here.

If you go older, it would not be in your son's best interest, but if you go younger.

A younger child Fostered or Foster-Adopted from the system requires a lot of one on one time. Could you as a Parent (s) make this commitment in fairness of both children?

A younger child usually the Advocacy is for reunification with either the Birth Parent (s) or extended Family. Would your son understand this?

To me what is awesome about Fostering is you are able to see what the relationships are like before making a commitment to Adopt! The direction that I see you going in is you will only consider if Adoption is an option?

[lumina]

""""The direction that I see you going in is you will only consider if Adoption is an option?""""

No, we are going to do fostercare. Then if a child in our care becomes "legally free", and that child fits into our family, then we will adopt.



""""A younger child Fostered or Foster-Adopted from the system requires a lot of one on one time. Could you as a Parent (s) make this commitment in fairness of both children?""""


Yes, it would be quite a commitment. I am an at home mom, and my son is in school 8-2.....so, I've got plenty of time. I guess only time will tell if we do have the patience though.


Thanks for your reply!!!!!!!!

[Dianna]

Hi, I have no idea what special things you do for your son's special needs, but some people adopt other children with similar needs to their children. If you had someone who had some of the same issues, then maybe it would be good for both children. Just a thought. Best Wishes.

[lumina]

Hi,
We are contemplating adopting a SN child. That's a tough decision. I think if they come our way through fostercare, then we might decide to do it. But, we aren't going to seek out a SN child. Also, we'd like to do fostercare before just going adoption, just to make sure our family and the child fit well together. If that makes sense.

Thanks everyone for your wisdom.

[Barksum]

Fostering has been, for the most part, a positive and rewarding experience for us. Very difficult at times, though! We have been careful to accept only the placements that we believe will be somewhat compatible with our own children and their needs. We tend to try to not foster older than our oldest; and are careful about what kinds of influences we have for one of our children who is particularly sheep-like and tends to follow whatever example is in front of him. We are open to special needs, even those that are similar or the same as the special needs of our children, but frankly it is sometimes easier to have children who DON'T have similar needs! (Altho, we are already set up for the kinds of issues our children have.)

I guess how your fostering experience proceeds would depend on a couple of factors for people just getting started. One consideration would be what your expectations are about foster care. If you want to foster, what do you expect to get from, and what do you anticipate being able to contribute to, that experience? This is something that even "veteran" foster parents have to keep asking themselves. As a foster family our situation does change, family dynamics shift, etc., and we need to reevaluate our abilities and committments. From time to time we have requested that we be placed on the "Inactive" list so that we aren't called regarding foster placements.

One training I just attended discussed BIO children abusing FOSTER children, which is something that most people don't think about, especially given all the attention given to foster children being hurtful to other children around them. Foster children are particularly vulnerable: they've been moved in a traumatic way, they have little or no voice about their own lives, have often been victims already, etc. etc. etc. Even hurtful words spoken by bio children to foster children can wound deeply. This is a good reminder to consider the children in your home before asking another child to come in.

It sounds as though you are going forward carefully and thoughtfully. Your child will take many cues from you, and you can guide how your child views the experience to a certain extent. Reading picture books about adoption and changing the wording so that it fits for fostering might be something to try. Or even just weaving a verbal story that you add to each day. Discussing empathy, anxiety, jealousy and other emotions in an age appropriate way has helped our kids make adjustments. Another idea is to make a time each day that is just for you and your child. Think about a time that will work consistently even when you have another child in your home. You can also have a special time with your foster child. We've tried to be as consistent with routines as possible, too. All sitting down to dinner, always having the same bedtime routine, that kind of thing. Be sure to do your best to know what your child is thinking as you go forward with the process and take it from there.

It can be rough transitioning a new child into the home, but with some realistic expectations and lots of patience it can (often!) be done with sensitivity for all the children involved.