[Lorraine123]

Why do older adopted children lie?

My daughter came home from kindergarten and told us that she got in trouble for hitting someone yesterday. This has been an issue and we have been in dialog with her teacher. It turns out this time she totally made it up - and boy did she do a good job, details and all.

Why????

[mckenna]

i don't know how long you have had your daughter, but i was just talking about this very thing with my friend, because my two year old is telling "tall tales" lately.

just tuesday he came home from school say "i pooped potty, tracey (his teacher) say underwear morrow" now i know this did not happen because on his daily report it was checked that he needed more diapers. he wants to wear his bob the builder underwear, but he is not ready as every time he wears them, he has an immediate accident (i am not pushing him, but i think a lot of kids at school are learning to potty train). we also have a hitting issue at school and some times, he tells me he hit and had to sit in the high chair (long story) and when i ask his teacher, she says that never happened. i am hoping this is just a stage, but i would like to hear others responses.

[lucyjoy]

Greg Keck described this very well in his Adopting the Hurt Child.
You might want to check it out.

[Lorraine123]

Thanks LucyJoy. I think I read that book, but it was a while ago. (and we weren't having this issue at that time). I'm going to get it and read again.

[Lilathe]

Lying in general.....
Honesty and dishonesty are learned in the home. Parents are often concerned when their child or adolescent lies.

Lying that is probably not a serious problem:

Young children (ages 4-5) often make up stories and tell tall tales. This is normal activity because they enjoy hearing stories and making up stories for fun. These young children may blur the distinction between reality and fantasy.

An older child or adolescent may tell a lie to be self-serving (e.g. avoid doing something or deny responsibility for their actions). Parents should respond to isolated instances of lying by talking with the youngster about the importance of truthfulness, honesty and trust.

Some adolescents discover that lying may be considered acceptable in certain situations such as not telling a boyfriend or girlfriend the real reasons for breaking up because they don't want to hurt their feelings. Other adolescents may lie to protect their privacy or to help them feel psychologically separate and independent from their parents (e.g. denying they sneaked out late at night with friends).

Lying that may indicate emotional problems:

Some children, who know the difference between truthfulness and lying, tell elaborate stories which appear believable. Children or adolescents usually relate these stories with enthusiasm because they receive a lot of attention as they tell the lie.

Other children or adolescents, who otherwise seem responsible, fall into a pattern of repetitive lying. They often feel that lying is the easiest way to deal with the demands of parents, teachers and friends. These children are usually not trying to be bad or malicious but the repetitive pattern of lying becomes a bad habit.

There are also some children and adolescents who are not bothered by lying or taking advantage of others. Other adolescents may frequently use lying to cover up another serious problem. For example, an adolescent with a serious drug or alcohol problem will lie repeatedly to hide the truth about where they have been, who they were with, what they were doing, and where the money went.

What to do if a Child or Adolescent lies:

Parents are the most important role models for their children. When a child or adolescent lies, parents should take some time to have a serious talk and discuss:

the difference between make believe and reality, lying and telling the truth,
the importance of honesty at home and in the community, and
alternatives to lying.
If a child or adolescent develops a pattern of lying which is serious and repetitive, then professional help may be indicated. Evaluation by a child and adolescent psychiatrist would help the child and parents understand the lying behavior and would also provide recommendations for the future.



Adoptive children and lying

Lying Deborah Hage, MSW

Often, children who have been diagnosed with attachment disorder have issues with lying. Not the typical type of lying most children do but a type that does not have any rhyme or reason. Much like a toddler with cookie crumbs on his face who steadfastly denies eating a cookie. Why do they feel the need to lie? How can we help them with this behavior? Read what author, therapeutic foster mother, and adoption caseworker Deborah Hage has to say about the topic of lying and teaching
the truth to our wounded children.

Antecedents to Lying and Teaching the Truth

The majority of adoptive parents have a moral code which precludes lying as an acceptable behavior. They abhor it. They avoid it at all costs. They admire and practice integrity and honesty. With the huge mandate and model in the home that
telling the truth is essential and lying is forbidden, why then do so many children lie? When they lie, the children are subjected to consequences and disciplined in various ways. Parents beg, implore their children to tell the truth, even promising the consequence will be lessened if they just come clean. Yet, the lying persists.

Some children lie when they want to not take responsibility for their behavior. Some lie when they want something. Some lie to manipulate and triangulate others around them. Some lie in the face of the truth - with frosting on their face and fingers they will state, unequivocally, they did not have a piece of cake. Some do all of the above and simply lie about everything all the time. What internal workings of the brain tells children that lying is an acceptable form of speech? By looking at the workings of the brain, some answers can be obtained. The first two years of life are pivotal to brain development and personality growth. It is during these critical months foundations are laid which determine, to a great extent, future patterns of behavior. The way a child learns to think about life, himself, and others in these
first years will affect how he behaves during his life and the nature of the relationships he establishes. He will learn to trust or not, love or not, fear or not, think or not.....tell the truth.....or not.

Babies learn to tell the truth or to lie with their first breaths. During the first year of life a baby is a bundle of needs. He needs to be fed, kept warm, comforted, held, rocked, cuddled and attended to. He is totally dependent on others for his survival and emotional growth. When that care is consistent with his needs he learns to trust. When that care is not consistent with his needs he learns to not trust. He begins to tell himself the first lies. The infant signals he is hungry and no one comes. He cries and no one comes. He cries some more and no one comes. He stops crying and the internal messages he must give himself in order to survive are, "I am no longer hungry. I am not cold." The internal lying messages continue, "I am not worthy of being kept warm, comforted, held, cuddled, rocked. The world is unsafe. No
one cares." The lies enter his psyche and embed themselves in his brain. The distinct line between truth and falsehood begins to blur.

During the second year of life a child begins to focus on wants in addition to needs. He wants his mother to stay with him. He wants to play with toys. He wants to laugh and giggle in the face of someone who cares. Yet, despite his wants, his mother leaves, there are no toys and no one giggles and coos in his face. He cries and no one comes. He cries some more and no one comes. He stops crying and the internal messages he must give himself in order to survive are, "I don't want my mother to stay. It is OK she is gone." The internal lying messages continue. "I
don't want toys and stimulation. I don't want anyone to coo and giggle in my face.
Life is fine exactly the way it is." The difference between the truth and the lies becomes even fuzzier. The pathway in his brain gets deeper.

In subsequent years a child learns to distinguish feelings and emotions. These are confirmed by those around him. His mother says, "I love you" and follows that up with a safe home, nutritious food, and warm clothes. It is not the words which
convey a feeling of love, it is the actions which give meaning to the words.

Contrast that to the child whose mother says, "I love you" and then proceeds to neglect him, perhaps beat him. The actions make a lie of the words. The actions make a lie of the emotion. The child questions, "If this is love, then why does it hurt
so bad? What is the truth here?" As a predictable, safe, caring world crumbles about him he gets angry, enraged. However, such strong feelings in so small a person is very frightening to him. In order to protect himself from his own fear, grief and
rage he must tell himself that he is a strong little boy, capable of taking care of himself. He denies he is angry, scared or grief stricken. To give himself permission to feel these feelings, to even acknowledge their existence, is to make himself
vulnerable to an uncaring world. He must find a way to take control so others cannot hurt him anymore. The lies he tells himself in order to survive continue. "I am happy. I am not angry. I am not scared. I am not sad. I must have been a bad baby or
else my mother would have kept me." Truth becomes a taboo topic for him to consider. Truth becomes irrelevant. Survival is all that matters. The rut in his brain deepens and lying becomes habitual. It has no good or bad connotations. Like the moon and
the stars, it is just there. The child enters a home where truth is very relevant. The concept is so foreign to him it is rejected. The truth has never mattered before, why should it suddenly become important? He has blocked out the difference between truth and lies to the point where he does not even consider it worth his
while to pay attention to which is which. Parents and the rest of society however, tend to feel differently so it must be addressed.

Central to helping a child deal with lying behaviors is a message which runs counter to prevailing thought. Most people develop relationships with people they can trust and have been known to say something like, "I could never love someone I didn't
trust." Obviously, that is not the message a child who lies needs to hear. Parents can be extremely therapeutic when they change that to, " I can love you even when I don't trust you." And, "I am such a great mom that you are not going to keep me from
loving you just because you lie." Being honest about a child's history is pivotal to effective therapy. Parents must know everything that is known about the child's history, otherwise concealing it becomes part of the problem. When a therapist or
caseworker knows something about a child that the parents don't know then the child continues the lying stance by repeating the internal message, "If they really knew me, all about me, then they would no longer love me." There can be no secrets between a therapist and the parents if the child's lying behaviors are to change. After all, the child reasons, if even the therapist knows the parents can't handle the truth, the child is certainly not going to risk revealing it! Parents can be upfront and even teasing about it by asking the child, "Do you think I am the kind of mom that can't love a child who has …. hurt other children/been sexually abused/ stolen money from foster parents? Well, I'm not. I can love you no matter what you have done or have had happen to you. How long do you think you need to keep up your
lying behaviors until you figure that out?"

Another important concept when dealing with lying behaviors is to not ask a child who lies a question when you know the answer, in hopes the child will tell the truth. It is a set up for the child. He lies. You pounce triumphantly on his lie. He feels betrayed. If you know the answer, don't ask. By the same token, never ask when you don't know the answer as the answer cannot be trusted anyway. In other words, never ask a child who lies a question. It simply entrenches the lying and adds a layer of guilt which further damages the relationship. Instead, act on what you believe to be the truth and leave it go at that.

A sample conversation:
Parent - Greg said you hit him.
Child - Well, I didn't.
P - What do you think I believe?
C - You think I hit him.
P - Right. I believe you hit him. You know you can't hit Greg so your consequence
is......

C - Greg lies.
P - In this household, who tells the truth more? You or Greg?
C - Greg. You never believe me. You don't trust me.
P - Right. Fortunately I am such a great mom I can love a boy I do not trust.
C - But it's not fair.
P - Have you ever lied to me and not got caught?
C - Yes.
P - Well, then this makes up for it. Over the course of time it will all work out.
If I'm wrong, I will make it up to you.
C - You don't love me as much as Greg.
P - Nice try. Now scoot to (whatever the consequence is)

Parents abhor calling anyone, particularly their child, a liar. Far better to say, "I don't believe you" and make an "I message" around it. After all, there often truly is no way to determine if the child is telling the truth. Saying, "I don't believe you" diminishes the controlling effect a child has when he lies.

Lying becomes a way to take control. By distorting the truth the child can cause the parents' world to spin. The child can then take the chaos in his own brain and impose it on someone else. Children can also use lying as a means to test the parent-
child relationship. How truthful are the parents being when they say this is a forever home? If the child's behaviors are disruptive enough can they force the issue and contribute to having the child moved? Maybe the child wants to be moved
and is using the lying as a means to push his parents away to the point where they give up on him and ask that he be moved.

The old adage of, "You can't push a river upstream," can be applied to lying. Parents cannot control lying. All they can control is whether or not they believe the child and how to impose an appropriate consequence. Several parenting techniques
can be used with success. One is to predict for the child when he is going to lie and then give permission for him to do it. For many children lying is so habitual they lie before they even think about what else they could say. A parent can say, "I want to talk to you and I know you don't tend to tell the truth when I ask you
questions. So, I want you to know I expect you to come up with a really good lie in answer to my question. Ready? (then ask the question)" This accomplishes several
things. One, it gives a child time to make a decision of whether to lie or not instead of letting the first words, which are usually lies, fall unthinking out of his mouth. Two, it removes lying from the control battle realm. Three, since the parent has given the child permission to lie, it doesn't make sense to get angry or
upset about it. Just praise the child for a great lie and go on with life. Or, if perchance the child happened to tell the truth, cover him with glory. Pop a piece of candy in his mouth so he connects telling the truth with sweet goodness. Remember, whenever a habit needs to be broken it requires that the brain be "rewired" around the new behavior.

Parents can practice with a child around the truth. Play a lying/truth game. Have the child tell the answers to obvious questions which have no emotional content. For
example, "How old are you. What is your teacher's name. Etc." Everytime the child tells the truth he gets a treat. Key to giving treats is it must pass from the parent's hand to the child's mouth while they are looking into each other's eyes. Do not let the child take the candy and put it in his own mouth as part of the meaning becomes lost. The connection must be clearly made that the parent is the source of all goodness and light and pleasing the parent makes good things happen for the child.

Because lying is often habitual for kids, parents can make an attempt to get in touch with how difficult it is to change a habit by changing one of their own.
Explain to the child that everyone has habits, some good and some bad. Changing a habit takes thought and effort. Do you put on both your socks and then both your shoes or do you put on one sock and shoe and then the other sock and shoe? Do you
mix everything up on your plate when you eat or eat one thing until it is gone and then eat the next item? Parents can find something they do habitually - even if it is something like storing the car keys in a different place - and make a commitment
to change it. Challenge the child to change a habit, other than lying, and then compare notes as to each other's progress. Sympathize with your child as he struggles to change an innocuous habit so you can be sincerely appreciative of whatever efforts he makes to change a deeply entrenched habit, like lying, that has emotional overtones. Accept that changing any habit, particularly one that has been so useful to survival, is going to take a long time. A very long time. Years and years later parents will still be left wondering exactly what of all their child said was the truth. Expecting it to change any more quickly than that sets parents and child up for disappointment and anger - two emotions which get in the way of instilling a sense in the child that he is loved and cherished exactly as he is. The message is that he needs to change his lying in order to make it in the world - not to make him more lovable to his parents.

Have fun with the lying. For example, when you know a child habitually lies ask him if wants a bowl of ice cream. When he says, "Yes", give him a bowl of cold cereal. When he asks what happened to the ice cream, happily remind him that since he always lies you never know what the truth is. When he said he wanted ice cream you knew he never told the truth so that must mean he doesn't want ice cream. Since you didn't know what he really wanted you just guessed and thought cold cereal would be OK.
This works well in restaurants when you lightly order something other than what he said he wanted and in clothing stores when you smilingly buy him a different shirt than the one he indicated was his favorite.

Parents can look for other ways to confound the child's thinking about the value of his lying. One way is to lie to the child. The child asks to go to the movies and the parent says, "Yes". Later, the parent does not take the child to the movies and when the child asks why the parent lightly says, "Oh, I thought the truth didn't matter. It was easier to tell you yes at the time, but I really didn't mean it. I thought that was how you wanted us to talk to each other in this family. Are you telling me it is important for me to tell the truth, but it is not important for you to tell the truth? Is that fair?"

The goal in dealing with lying is to put the child in conflict about his lying. When a child lies and the parents get upset and angry then they are in conflict about the child's lying and the child is not. The child says to himself, "No point in both of us getting upset about this," and continues lying. When parents get emotionally involved with the lying the child gets the message that says, "When I lie my parents are hurt. When I lie others suffer." When a child does not have a conscience around
lying, knowing that others are hurt may be irrelevant or even please the child. The lying behaviors will not change until the child sees, in non-angry situations, that the lying is not working for him. He needs to see that he is the one who suffers
when he lies. It is not getting him what he wants. Alcoholics do not cease acting out their alcoholic behaviors because they think it through and decide it is rational for them to change. They stop drinking when they see their lives are going down the tubes because of it. They have an emotional connection to the negative
results of their behavior and then have to act themselves into a new way of thinking. They don't think their way into a new way of acting. In the same way, a child must feel and experience the negative results of his behavior in the presence of non-angry and non-emotionally involved people. Thinking about how lying doesn't work for him doesn't work. Experiencing the results and feeling the pain is the only way to drive home that he, not anyone else, is the one who suffers the most when he lies.

Many parents can handle the lying at home by applying the mentioned techniques, however, they are at a loss when the child lies outside the home and is believed. Commonly children who are habitual liars lie to their therapists and caseworkers. It
is imperative that lying children not be seen alone by either. Parents should not take their child to any therapist who insists on seeing the child alone. The potential for triangulation and manipulation are too great. Additionally, it is too easy for a child who lies to divert attention away from the therapeutic issues which need to be addressed and focus attention on an issue which is irrelevant. Too often it is a waste of parent time, energy and money when they are not present to keep the therapy on track and focused on the behaviors which the child is exhibiting which are dangerous or anti-social. When therapists let the child direct the therapy and choose the topic it is too easy for the time to be wasted and the child empowered in blaming his parents or others for his behaviors. The situation becomes even dangerous for the parents when a lying child uses his private time with the
therapist or caseworker to lodge accusations of abuse and the parents are not there to counter them.

The most insidious lie occurs when a child falsely accuses his parents of abuse. Society and public policy are often supportive of the child when he does it. A child can have a file three inches thick detailing his anti-social, pathological behaviors, while the parents do not have so much as a traffic ticket on their record, and a well meaning caseworker can still be suckered. One way to turn the tables when confronted by an official is to state, "If the child is telling the truth, he is not safe with me. If the child is lying then I am not safe with him. Either way it is not in anyone's best interest for him to come home." Then, have him placed outside of the home while the legal processes wrangle. To do less is to
compromise the entire family's well being and to send home the message to the child that there are no limits to the lies he can get away with. Loving a child and living with a child may not always be possible at the same time. Sometimes you have to feed a child with a long handled spoon.

Lying at school and in other situations can also be problematic for parents. Taking to heart the adage, "It takes a village to raise a child" many people outside of the home believe a lying child and rush to rescue and save. It is imperative the treatment team stand behind the parents and defend them to the world if the
placement is to not disrupt.

Lying can be addressed in meaningful ways, both by the parents and by professionals outside of the home. However, it takes a unified effort to get a child who lies in conflict about his behavior. If he is not in conflict, if he is not feeling the pain, if he thinks others are more in pain over his behavior than he is, he will not
change. Regardless of whether or not the child lies, he must grow up knowing he is loved and cared for, even when he can't be trusted. Life has a way of imposing natural consequences on those who are habitual liars. Sometimes the best parents can
do is take care of themselves so they are not hurt by the lies, give it their best shot and leave the rest to the universe.

Used with permission from:

Deborah Hage, MSW
P.O. Box 42
Silverthorne, CO 80498
deborah@deborahhage.com
www.deborahhage.com

[Peggy]

I have been looking for that article for a while now. I am glad you put it in your reply. Where did you find it originally? I know I read it last year, but forgot where. Thanks again

(Adoptive children and lying)

[Lilathe]

I posted a link here to a foster parenting sight that had the article in it. It has also been in adoption.com adoption e-magazine, you might have read it in either place.

http://www.deborahhage.com/lying.htm

[Peggy]

I have looked at the fosterparent site, I bet that is where I read it. I think it is so helpful in describing why older children lie. My daughter lies, a lot of fantasy lying, and I am working on teaching her honesty, but it at school, it can seem to really shock, or repel some of her teachers. I wanted to print it out for her ppt meeting.

[Dr. Art]

Lying in and of itself may or may not be a problem. At certain ages it is developmentally appropriate. However, when a child has a history of maltreatment it is often a sign of something else going on; the child having some difficulties with trust and feeling loved and loveable.

It can also be a "subtle sign" of difficulties:

Subtle Signs

by Arthur Becker-Weidman, Ph.D.

Gail tells her seven-year-old daughter, Sally, to pick up the napkin Sally had dropped. As Sally crosses her arms a sad and angry pout darkens her face. Gail says, "Sally, I told you to pick up the napkin and throw it away." Sally stomps over to the napkin, picks it up, and throws it away. Crying and whining, Sally stands with her back to Gail. Sally, angry and unhappy is exhibiting one of the subtle signs of attachment sensitivity that nearly all children adopted at a young age demonstrate. An informal survey I conducted of children adopted from Asia between the ages of four months and two years of age revealed that over half the children showed subtle signs.

Attachment is an interpersonal, interactive process that results in a child feeling safe, secure, and able to develop healthy, emotionally meaningful relationships. The process requires a sensitive, responsive parent who is capable of emotional engagement and participation in contingent collaborative communication (responsive communication) at nonverbal and verbal levels. The parent’s ability to respond to the child’s emotional state is what will prevent attachment sensitivities from becoming problems of a more severe nature.

What are the subtle signs?

1. Sensitivity to rejection and to disruptions in the normally attuned connection between mother and child.

2. Avoiding comfort when the child’s feelings are hurt, although the child will turn to the parent for comfort when physically hurt.

3. Difficulty discussing angry feelings or hurt feelings.

4. Over valuing looks, appearances, and clothes.

5. Sleep disturbances. Not wanting to sleep alone.

6. Precocious independence. A level of independence that is more frequently seen in slightly older children.

7. Reticence and anxiety about changes.

8. Picking a scabs and sores.

Internationally adopted children experience at least two significant changes during the first few months of life that can have a profound impact on later development and security. Birth mother to orphanage or foster care and then orphanage to adoptive home are two transitions. We know from extensive research that prenatal, post-natal, and subsequent experiences create lasting impressions on a child. During the first few minutes, days, and weeks of life, the infant clearly recognizes the birth mother’s voice, smell, and taste. Changes in caregivers are disruptive. The new caregivers look different, smell different, sound different, taste different. In the orphanage there are often many care givers but no one special caregiver. Adoption brings with it a whole new, strange, and initially frightening world. These moves and disruptions have profound effects on a child’s emotional, interpersonal, cognitive, and behavioral development. The longer a child is in alternate care, the more these subtle signs become pervasive.

There are effective ways for a parent to help his or her child.

Parents and the right parenting are vital to preventing subtle signs from becoming anything more than sensitivities. Parenting consistently with clear and firm limits is essential. Discipline should be enforced with an attitude of sensitive and responsive empathy, acceptance, curiosity, love, and playfulness. This provides the most healing and protective way to correct a child.

As Sally walks away to pout, Gail comes up behind her, scoops her up, and begins rocking her gently while crooning in Sally’s ear. Gail sings songs and tells Sally she loves her and understands Sally is angry at being told what to do. Gail expresses sadness that Sally is so unhappy. At first Sally resists a bit, but she soon calms down and listens as Gail tells her how much she loves Sally. Sally is sensitive to feelings of rejection and abandonment that are evoked by her mother’s displeasure, so Gail brings Sally closer to reassure Sally nonverbally. It is by experience that the subtle signs are addressed and managed. Nonverbal experience is much more powerful than verbal experience since most of the subtle signs have their origin in nonverbal experience and nonverbal memory.

These sensitivities are not a mental illness or Reactive Attachment Disorder. They are subtle signs of attachment sensitivities. So, what can you do?

First, as Gail does with Sally, bringing the child in close is better than allowing the child to be alone or isolate him or her self.

Second, as Gail does with Sally, talk for the child. Putting words to what the child is feeling. This allows the child to feel understood by you, maintains a connection, and helps assuage the fear of rejection and abandonment.

Third, don’t make food a battle. A child who steals food or hoards food usually has sound emotional reasons for this. Providing the child with food so that your child experiences you as provider is often the solution. Put a bowl of fruit in the child’s room. (Be sure to keep if filled. It does not good if you provide and then leave an empty bowl!) In some instances, I’ve recommended that the parents provide the child with a fanny pack and keep it stocked with snacks. This usually quickly ends hoarding and stealing of food.

Fourth, for the child who is overly independent, doing for the child and not encouraging precocious independence is helpful. So, making a game of brushing your six-year old’s teeth, dressing your seven-year-old, or playing at feeding a nine-year-old, are all ways to demonstrate that you will care for the child. Keeping it playful and light, allows the child to experience what the child needs and helps eliminate hurtful battles.

In conclusion, subtle signs are important reminders that our children have ongoing sensitivities that as parents we must address in a responsive and sensitive manner. Responsive and sensitive communication is essential. Attachment is a function of reciprocal, sensitive, and responsive communication; attachment does not reside in the child alone. It is very important for the parent to manage and facilitate this attuned connection within a framework of clear limits and boundaries, natural consequences, and firm loving discipline.

Permission is required to copy articles for use beyond your personal individual use. ©2002, Center For Family Development. All rights reserved.

[Peggy]

My daughter has all the signs on your list. I also read this article, and do most if not all of the methods you suggest. THough sometimes it is not easy to be playful. My daughter is 10, and I still help her dress, sometimes feed her, and help her brush her teeth. Initially when she moved in, she would not let me even touch her, so it has come full circle. My concern is when to wean her off of some of this so she can be more independent, or should I allow her to set that time table? (I have visions of helping her at 15 dress, and brush her teeth.)

[Dr. Art]

If you've been doing all the things described as being helpful and your child still is not progressing, then you will need the help of a mental health professional who has substantial training and experience evaluating and treating adopted and foster children with attachment difficulties. Many children will NOT respond only to parenting because the pervasive negative effects of trauma make it so that what you have to offer just doesn't sink in. Such children need Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy in addition to attachment-facilitating parenting to heal. You should be able to find a therapist in your region at Assoc for the Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children

regards

[Peggy]

She is in Therapy, and progressing. She is not the same child she was when she first moved in. I was just wondering about the helping them, at what point would they not need it? She has gone through phases and outgrown some of them quickly, and then added new ones. Like the having me help her brush her teeth is new, and was actually her idea.

[Dr. Art]

I'm glad your child is in therapy. It seems to me that your therapist should be able to answer your questions best. Has that person not been able to do so? Is the therapist an experienced and trained attachment therapist (meaning at least 50% of the therapists practice is with adopted and foster children, the therapist has has specific advanced training in treating adopted and foster children, and is a registered clinician (or could be) of Assoc for the Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children )?

regards,