[lucyjoy]

My son is 13 and recently started asking questions about his birth family, mom in particular. Today he began talking about wanting to see her. This child was severely abused by this parent and has physical and emotional scars and some memory of the abuse itself. Mom spent 8 years in prison and was paroled two years ago after confessing to the crimes. I notified her parole officer(at the older boys request) after she attempted to contact my sons older brother who lived with us for awhile.

Mom still admits to what she did, but denies any responsibility for it-it wasn't her fault, it was her boyfriends idea etc.

I think my son has built a fantasy about how great his life would be if he could go back and live with her. He wants to see if she's changed. She hasn't. As of two weeks ago she was still attempting to contact the older boy, now 20, through a relative and became verbally abusive when told he had no interest in contact(which he voices loudly).

Any suggestions on the best way to deal with these fantasies? We are working with a therapist, but my son keeps twisting the facts to his fantasy anyway. I debated doing a visit with mom, therapist, and child, but am concerned that mom would start stalking my son. Even at 13, he's very tiny and I've seen her around town and she's not. He would not recognize her if he saw her.

[bromanchik]

Wow, what a rock and a hard place. How about corrisponding through letters or tapes first? I think there are other ways of showing him the reality of the situation. Has his older brother talked about this to him at all?

I think it just goes to show that the loss is still there even in situations where you would think the kid would want to run as fast as he could away from it.

[lucyjoy]

The older brother did talk to him about this when he lived here. He has cut all ties with any of his birthfamily, included my son and is currantly living day to day and using drugs so he's no help right now. He's busy drowning his memories as he cannot deal with them.

I have considered letters, but I know she'll feed his fantasy. I'm afraid if she enies it to him, he'll start accepting the denial. It might be useful to have the therapist contact her. I know once I start this, it may not be possible to stop it.

Maybe someone can help me out with why he'd need to see this person that terrorized and abused him?

[Lorraine123]

LucyJoy - I can't help you, but I'm very interested in reading what others say. I am afraid I will be in your situation in a few years and I want to know the best way to handle it. Thanks for posting the question.

[allabouthorses]

I also don't have any answers, but I have experienced this with my 2 older brothers. They both were abused by their birth parents, and both have expressed a desire to meet them. I find that difficult to understand, but I think it's just an extreme curiosity, a desire to meet the people that created them, no matter what they may have done to them.

Whatever the reason for searching, a reunion under these circumstances will require a lot of counselling for both the adoptee and the birth parents. I think it would be wise for the adoptive parents to also be very involved, as their child will be going through a lot of emotions.

[eranchhome]

I'm so sorry you have been put in this position. I don't have any experience in this area, but have some thoughts.

I would set up a meeting with son and parents...therapist, too, if that seems appropriate to you. Allow all parties to voice pros and cons and come up with a contract you all can live with. List specific criteria that must occur in order for communication with the birth mother to occur. What characteristics in your son's behavior would signal to you that he is ready? Same for birth mother? What can birth mother do to prove to you that she is capable of normalized relations with your son and you? Is there a professional that could work as a mediator between you so that the birth mother is not in direct contact with your family?

Of course, there are times when parents have the right to simply say no. But this doesn't sound like something that is going away. Good luck. I'll be praying for you.

[lucyjoy]

I do have someone who could mediate, but it's bmom's position that she id nothing wrong. It wasn't her choice to do those things to her kids that she did. My fear is it will make the fantasy worse. This child still has a lot of hurdles to overcome in order to even be able to ever live independantly. My husband thought of something I hadn't considered. I have two kids who still see former adoptive parents and they bring gifts for the kids(all my kids)but maybe he doesn't understand that that isn't the same as his bmom(or even their bmoms). At least that's something for me to explore. I also thought I might try to get some pictures of bmom and let his cousin talk to him a little about it(he has regular contact with her on the phone).

[HappyMomAnna]

If only there could ever just be one right answer to any of our conflicts! This seems like a no-win situation. On one hand meeting her might put an end to his fantasies, but at what cost? And if she has not changed the only way I would allow it is supervised so ---he would never really see that old side of her....going out to lucnh with his dream mom would just be like a date with a movie star..... saying flat no means you have to deal with him being angry with you---making you out to be the villian.... and resenting you for anything and everything. 13 is such a hard age for a boy......

I don't know---my five year old asks every other day if we can visit birthmom......... and I tell her, when she grows up and is ready I will help her find her birthmother----but, I make sure she understands that I mean grows up, like after she gets married and has kids.

I guess you just have to decide what you want to deal with---I agree letters will only feed his fantasy. Personally, I would say no---but, I am not you and don't know how much you would want to deal with. This is so hard. What do his theropist think?

[SHERRITA]

lucyjoy,

I AGREE WITH eranchhome, BUT I ALSO THINK YOU KNOW WHATS BEST FOR YOUR CHILD. I'VE HAD ALOT OF PROBLEMS WITH MY MOTHER ALSO BUT I FIND MYSELF DRAWN TO HER EVEN THROUGH THE PAIN SHE HAS PUT ME THROUGH. I LOVE HER AND SOMETHING INSIDE OF ME STILL THINKS SHE'S A GOOD PERSON. I KNOW STILL THAT SHE HURTED AND DOES THINGS THAT HURTS ME NOW. I DON'T KNOW WHY I NEED TO FEEL WANTED BY HER. IT'S A HARD DECISION "lucyjoy". I THINK YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF ALOT OF QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS SITUATION. WHAT IS THE SAFETY OF YOUR SON/ FAMILY? HOW WOULD THIS AFFECT HIM IN THE LONG RUN? IT'S ALOT OF THINGS YOU HAVE TO THINK OF, I KNOW. IF YOU DO DECIDE TO GO THROUGH WITH YOUR SON WISHES STAND BY HIM KNOW MATTER WHAT BECAUSE HE'S GOING TO NEED YOU MORE THAN HE THINKS. I'M PRAYING FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. I HOPE THINGS TURN OUT FOR THE BETTER.

[bromanchik]

Lovejoy,
You know, he might NEED his fantasies right now. Denial is a huge part of the grieving process. You have told him the truth and I am sure he has memories of what she did to him somewhere. Maybe he is not ready to really face what she has done to him. It might be different if she was sorry for what she has done, but since she is not faving the truth, two in denial could get messy.

Just a thought.

[dadfor2]

hi lucyjoy,

this is a tough one.

Not sure if there are social workers involved or not. One thing that you need to be careful of, is that you dont want to stand in his way about seeing his birthmom.

He will remember the time you said "no", and could hold it against you in the future.

it sounds like birthmom, isnt really stable yet. thats why i mentioned the social workers. If your still with them, have them talk to your son about his birth mom, its just a way to get you out of making the decision.

I know children justify it in thier minds over a period of time of how their birth families treated them.

In our case, our 7 yr old who was severly abused by birth mom, asked me one day if we could move and live near his birth mom.

This is the same 7 yr old who when was removed from his birth mom, 3 ys ago, destroyed every toy and urinated on every toy his birth mom gave him, and asked to throw them all out. He also stated 3 yrs ago that his birth mom was the devil and he never wanted to see her again.

but hear we are, three yrs later and he is asking for us to move near her. I feel he remembers some things but not all, and im sure he wishes somewhere that he can be like every other kid that lives with their birthfamily.

anyway, just some things to think about. I do like the idea of a video tape or letter or something. But this is a tough one, but if your really against him seeing his birthmom, i would talk to someone about it. I would just hate foryou to be the blame of his unhappiness the day you said "no, you cant see her"

absoutly have it supervised. I think that is extremely important.

good luck, wish i could be more helpful, but i dont think there is any majic answers your going to get on here, just do whats in your heart. you know your child better then anyone, and after talking with you for some time, im sure you will make the best decision for your family.

dadfor2

[lucyjoy]

The social workers are not involved but would help out if I asked them to. Every social worker I've ever met knows who my son is.
He does remember the worst of the abuse. That's the first question I asked when he brought this up-What do you remember about your mom?

I've decided to tell him no for now. I talked with him a great deal about why he wanted to do this and how he thought it would help him. He says he's just curious, but I think my husband was on to something with the other kids former adoptive families. I have not had a chance to talk to him about that. Also, I'm waiting on a reply from a therapist.

If we lived farther away, letters or videos might be an option. Right now, she wouldn't recognize my son and he wouldn't know her to look at her. She lives within 5 miles of us and I have seen her walking around town.

My son functions closer to 8 than 13 so his ability to make an informed decision is impaired right now. This is definetly something we need to work on, but adding bmom to the picture right now seems like a bad idea.

[HappyMomAnna]

I think you are making the right decision right now...... I think telling him now is just not a good time and that the future may change would be helpful to him....... I think letting him know you are supportive of his being able to grow up and then look and make a relationship with her is better then all the possible issues that this could bring out right now......... Sometimes we have to make the harder decisions for our children and hope that in time they will understand. I have been keeping a 'journal' for my daughter when she is grown about these kinds of issues....how I felt--how she flet and why I chose one path or another. That way when she is an adult she will hopefully understand that our decisons were not always about wanting to 'own' her and that many times we labored hard over one thing or another..... Don't know if it will help but, at least I have the dated story and details that oneday she will recieve and respect.

[Barksum]

I think you are being wise in doing some research, exploring the options and getting the therapist's advice. I agree with HappyMom that sometimes we have to say no -- even to something so shark infested as saying no to contact with a bio parent. If your son isn't sure why he wants to see his bio mom that really sounds like it needs to be explored a bit more. I'm sure he is curious, and that no longer seeing or hearing from his bio mom does create a kind of hole in his heart it still isn't always the best to try to fill that hole with something that has the distinct potential to do significant damage. It's a fine line knowing when to have a little hurt that promotes more healing, and to knowing when to not allow more hurt that would undo what healing has occurred and case even more damage beyond that.

We've been having more conversations about one of our DS's bio mom lately, too. We are definitely in the Fantasy stage here, and my DS is chronologically 5, but about 3 or so socially/emotionally. Makes it tough to figure out what is really being understood in his little head. I've been very matter of fact, and I've been encouraging any conversation he starts, but sometimes they are a bit out there. You know how preschoolers are with imaginary stories!

I'll be following how you and others deal with this particular issue, Lucyjoy, so please keep posting. I know we'll be where you are before too long.

[SHERRITA]

lucyjoy,

I KNEW YOU WOULD MAKE A DECISION THAT WAS BEST FOR YOUR FAMILY, YOU KNOW YOUR SON AND LOOKING INTO DIFFERENT OPTIONS IS THE BEST IDEA. I LOOK UP TO OPINIONS/ADVICE THAT YOU OFFER (ME) BECAUSE I FEEL YOU KNOW ALOT ABOUT THE EXPERIENCES THAT SOME OF THE FOSTER/ ADOPTION FAMILIES ARE GOING THROUGH AND HAVE BEEN THROUGH. IF I CAN GIVE YOU MY SUPPORT WHEN YOU NEED IT, I'M HERE. I HOPE THINGS TURN OUT JUST THE WAY GOD WANTS THEM IN YOUR FAMILY/LIFE. BE BLESSED.