[kay]

I'm not even sure what to title this thread; it ties in with Indy's about reality and expectations . . . kind of. There's an ongoing attitude problem with my son and school. Last night he said again that he hates school and if he had his way he'd never go back. He's having no huge problems in school right now, is doing better than he has in the past, and he actually enjoys doing the social thing every day. When I pointed that out to him, that he'd be bored silly in no time, with all his friends in school and him sitting at home, he replied, in all seriousness, "they should be out of school too, there shouldn't be any!" Now I know that part of this is just almost-teen schnitzy-ness, but part is an attitude he came to me with, that I'm not having any success in changing. He has an ingrained sense of "play entitlement" - that life should be fun and playtime all the time, and he's totally unable/unwilling to accept that that may be so when you're 3, or even 5, but growing up means finding satisfaction in something other than being entertained 24/7. He can go from playing/having fun with his friends, to watching a favorite tv show, to having a dinner of his favorite foods - and suddenly a switch goes off and he's grumbling that he *never* has *any* fun. I don't know if this comes from his not being supervised in his birth family (his background is neglect, not abuse), or from his being removed at an age when he was playing most of the time so he feels he's been deprived of play as a birthright, or . . .???
My response varies with my mood - I'll sympathize, or reason, or (bad idea!) laugh, and none of it makes any impression (though the laughter of course really makes him mad.) Is anyone else dealing with anything similar? How???

[HappyMomAnna]

you said he is almost a teen...... and almost a teen is an age that bluntly 'sucks.' The feelings your son is expressing are not unusual for any normal almost teen..... and I have found boys to feel this way the most.... In fact my 20-year old son called home from college the other night and actually started to cry! After 2 1/2 years in college he has realized the rest of his life is doomed to be spent in a cubicle!!!!!

He says he knows this but, it is just starting to sink in that he will not get to do whatever he feels like soon.....That he will have to work and earn a living on his own..... and he thought being an adult would mean he could do anything he wanted anytime he wanted to do it..... He told me when he was a kid he couldn't wait to be a grown up and do whatever he wanted to do---he just didn't realize he would have to make money to pay for everything he wanted to do.

As a young boy he was always grumbleing about school being a "waiste of his time" that his teachers were not even as smart as he is and why did they think they had the right to even teach him...... He always wanted to read, play games and have a good time..... and nothing I did or said ever convienced him otherwise.
We had to get really firm about things with him in order to help him learn that freedom comes with a price. Apparently even as of a week ago our efforts had not sunk in real well.

We used what we called 'job cards' with him from the time he was about 7. He had to do a job and he would then earn 'time' or 'income'. He was paid every week. We just wrote up a 3X5 card for any task he did, with the cash value or tv/computer time and when he wanted to use the time he had to give back the job card......
In high school he sadi he would go to college to become a computer game maker....he is a computer engineer major and has just realized even going for this dream means hard work, time clocks and a cubicle! In high school he had a really hard time with our rules, and didn't understand why the 'milage' put on my car counted financially--gas was not the only cost.

It took two years of being off at college before he actually understood shy we said milage on the car was a cost..... At first when he started college he didn't understand why we wouldn't pay the whole way, give him a car, a cell phone and send boxes of money and food every single week!
This past summer was the first time I saw a sign he was starting to 'get it' and he was much more concerned about his use of my car, and the food he hogged down everyday. He even willingly offered to contribute to the food budget and offered to watch the two new adopted little ones when he could.

When he was young I worried about the things you are talking about night and day. Everyday was a battle to get him out the door to school and he used any reason he could think up to stay home. We set a rule that if you miss school you must be pretty sick which means you would need to stay in bed all day and get better..... In bed meant reading your books and maybe coloring but, not tv watching or game playing..... Sick people need to rest and drink a lot of water. And any evening activities would be cancelled as you cannot go out and spread your ick germs around town..... no firends over, no yapping on the phone and no real fun on a sick day. Let me tell you my children had nearly perfect attendance at school and only wanted to stay home when they really were sick.

We also tried to use the incentives with report cards.... Our rule was that his best was good enough for us. But, that an imporved grad would bring great reward. When he didn't imporve a grade we talked about if he did his very best---most of the time he was honest and said why he didn't try harder.....and when he said, 'I tried my very best but, just couldn't get a better grade he would also be rewarded.

Our son never caused any real problems and his grades were never that bad...we just saw a lack of motivation and a lack of interest and wanted to guide him to understand....

Middle school is a trip into hell and a very hard time for kids.... There is no worse age if you ask me. The kids are horrible to each other and to the teachers. They complaine about everything and when you listen to them you would think they were spending time in prision.... They spend a lot of time compairing notes and discussing who has the most awful parents. They sometimes compete for the 'worst' life story and at the same time set each other up in situations that are emotionally painful. Pre teens are harder then two year olds to deal with and the whole world is so overwhelming to them. They start to understand that they are growing up and many of these kids get scard about what that means.

They are fighting an internal battle and dealing with huge peer preasure. Everyone says they hate school at this age and your are a real weirdo if you admit you actually like school... It is rebellion time and a risky time indeed. This age is where mahy children choose the path they intend to follow for the rest of the years they are with you..... My daughter decided at 12 that she was going to be a non-conformer.....and actually made the decission.... now that she is 19 she asks why I let her? All I can say is that it wasn't my decision. If she wanted to ware black what was I going to do about it?...and as I reminded her, she had to buy all that dark stuff with her Christmas and Birthday money because I wouldn't......

Oh pre-teens they sure make our life worried. Maybe you could tell your son that during the second week of Christmas break you are going to test the idea of homeschoolng out...just to see how he likes it...and then make it rigid and demanding on him where the choice to attend school is actually a relief.....

[Indy]

I am in the middle of preteen...teen...and post teen!

Sometimes they are happy and sometimes they are just moody! Kind of makes me think of Bi Polar! They don't like homework, school, girls (ok, sometimes, maybe, I don't know!), on again off again friends, certain foods, certain rooms, cleaning their rooms, taking showers (unless their talking to girls, refer to earlier statement about girls), etc.

There is not an easy description of a pre/mid/post teen...all you can do is remain consistent, firm and flexible (how you do both of these, I am still working on). You also can count down the days until they leave for college...then we will be wishing for them to come back.

How to cope? I am open to advice. I just keep on doing the things I was doing when they were younger, providing them opportunities to have fun, structuring learning time (they don't know they are learning), organizing social interactions with ACCEPTABLE peers, being nosey (in a good way), and listening to them!

I also make sure that I do Dad's night out at least once a month! That keeps me sane. Right now...that has become Christmas shopping time.

[kay]

Thanks for the replies. I know a lot of his attitude problems are the age, but the "I should be allowed to play all the time" is something he's had since Day 1. From what you say, not all that unusual - and hearing that is very helpful. It makes it a lot easier knowing that others are dealing with the same issues, rather than worrying that it may be *just* my son with these issues, and there may be something abnormal going on! And despite his attitude, he's been stepping up to the plate taking on more and more responsibility this year - I'm very pleased. (Fortunately the idea of just refusing to go to school hasn't occurred to him; he'll moan and groan about getting up, but then is really good about getting himself out the door and to school on time. This year my job schedule changed and I now leave the house before he does, and he hasn't yet been late or had a problem - hooray!) Sometimes it's hard to see the big picture, as I get sucked into his day-to-day drama. Hearing others' stories helps put things into perspective - thanks again! (And good luck to us all . . .)

[Georgia Mom]

When my now 21 y-o son was about 12, he was unhappy with me one day for something I had denied him. The exact circumstances are vague to me now. But what I do remember is his saying very loudly and indignantly to me, "My life is supposed to be thrilling!"

You're not alone!

[vbandsf]

I COMPLETELY understand - my 11 year old foster daughter is constantly saying "I'm bored... I'm bored" When asked how school was, the response is always the same: "Horrible."

I think for her part of it is not wanting to admit she likes being with us (she was also subjected to neglect rather than abuse).

I just keep going. What're you gonna do, right?