[mina2u]

We are just about done with our hs. We are now looking at several sib-groups. One in particula that we especially like is a group of 4 ages 8,7,6,&2.

This is my question: How do you feel about changing the childrens names, and how old is too old to do so.

The 2 year old has a difficult first name to pronounce so I was thinking of changing it to something else.

[bromanchik]

At 6 months, children identify themselves with their name. Given this youngest child is also coming with three siblings, your changing the name would also effect the siblings. Many people change the middle name as a way of honoring the children joining the family. Unless the child wants to change their name, I would not change it.

[lucyjoy]

It bothered my son a great deal when his sister's adoptive mom changed her name. He refused to use it for the first two years.
Is her middle name something she could be called? How about a nickname for the first name? My youngests son's second mom changed his first name and used it for his middle name. I gave him the option of changing it back at his adoption. He chose not to, but given the choice before it was changed, I think he would have left it. I, too, think it's part of the child's identity and in some of my children, there name was the only nice thing their birthmother had given them(these are older abused kid).

[aMarylandfamily]

... there's always the child who uses a name change to his benefit. Bobby surely wouldn't have spilled that and not cleaned it up but Robby may have (ha ha) ... couldn't resist adding this silly (but can be serious at times too) side to the discussion.

Hoping all survived Hurricane Isabel ok and well. Power outages and spoiled food seem like nothing compared to the damage many encountered. Prayers and thoughts are with all those affected!

[louise]

the child prompts a change, i would not. Even then I would investigate the whys of a child's desire for a name change.

[mina2u]

Thank you for respondiong to my question. I had not really considered changing the 3 older kids names, but now I am not going to change the youngest (if we are matched that is)

We finish our hs in about 2-3 days...then the ride begins!

We are hoping that becuase this sib-group has 4 children, they wont get matched elsewhere before we have a chance. Is that very selfish?

[Graham]

I agree with all of the above. When a child wants to change his or her name one must proceed very carefully. Its obviously symptomatic of a "live" issue. As long as that issue is verbalized by the child, with parents or social worker, then a change can happen if the child insists. At some point one has to respect the individual's right to his or her own identity. What scares me more is when the parents are the ones trying to change the child's identity. That happens more than you would imagine.
Graham

[rindava]

What is the child being called?

One of my foster parent friend had a child named Fury and it was never called that by anyone, so when the adoptive parents went with Christopher and still called him his nick name no big deal.

Another example was the child's name was Crystal and always went by Chrissy so the change to Kristin wasn't a big deal.

You are not getting a baby from the hospital, but in a way you are inviting 4 strangers who have had a lifetime of experiences to come and live with you.

Maybe there is something close to the child's nick name or something close that would work out for you is okay, but totally different really isn't fair to the child.

[Barksum]

With our two sons I wasn't comfortable changing their names because they were older ("older" is a relative term, isn't it?!). One was 26 months when placed with us and already verbal and the other was 14 months when placed with us and already knew and responded to his name. We did change their first names, making their first names their middle names and they go by their middle names. Hey, I know non-adopted children who do this too...wait, I don't have to be defensive. Sorry.

We are waiting to hear about another child. We had wanted to change their name, and it seemed like a possibility because at first it looked like we might have them placed with us before their first birthday (if we were matched), but now things are dragging along...and along...and the child will be past their one year birthday and pushing 18 months before being placed. Their name isn't totally fantastically grotesque or anything, but it's not one we would have chosen. Now, if we are matched with this child, we'll just have to get used to their name!

Actually, as I'm typing this, I realize that I have 3 children, none of whom use a name I would have chosen. One of them I gave birth to, too! How did this happen?! Now I'm feeling downtrodden. Oddly enough, though, I've grown used to their names even tho I wasn't particularly fond of the names when I heard them. (even for my bio child's name, which came about by my husband being much more stubborn than I )

[Yvette]

My daughter was called by her middle name when she was in foster care, never by her first name. I changed her first name and kept the middle name. When she went to day care, which was only a month later, they would only call her by her first name(the one I gave her). She started responding immediately and only close family and friends still call her by her middle name or a nickname version of it. She was 18 months when we changed her name and she is now 4 and 1/2. She has birth family close by though there is no contact. The foster mom is still having a hard time letting go, so I changed her name partly for that reason, but mostly because I wanted her to grow up feeling very connected to the family. She has my sister's name, and is so very like her in many ways. I'm hoping this hasn't caused some serious problem for the future that I didn't anticipate. I thought I was told that it wasn't as big an issue when the child was under two. Anyway, she seems to be the most resillent child and has adapted well to my family. She has formed strong bonds to her aunts, uncles and cousins and she and I are attached at the hip :-) We look nothing alike but she has all of my mannerisms and people always say "You two are so much alike". They just can't figure it out.

[HappyMomAnna]

This is a big issue--some people do change names, and others think it is a horrible thing to do. We have siblings and the older one could not imagine changing her name....and would not tolerate the idea her little brother would get a new name.
After placement and before adoption some people talk about it with the kids....our five year old at first didn't even want to change her last name....over time she said she did and then she gave ideas about a new first name she would like....and boy was that funny. No sweetie we are not going to name you Angel in the Sky with gold wings, or Magic princess from Power Puff girl land....and then when she thought it might be a good idea to name baby brother "garbage" we told her what we decided to do.
We kept the first names and changed the middle ones.
I have heard of some people keeping the first and making it the middle and then giving a new first...they spent a long time calling the kids...Justin Andrew, and Megan Mary until they got used to it.
I think I would wait until you had the children and then at some time when they are doing well, suggest that this might be the only time in theri lives they would have a different name...if they could what would they pick?. Just don't let them have something like Annalue of Tallamouse or Lucy in the sky with diamonds....