[kalynn]

Hi, I've posted a bit before but not on this board. I've been reading a lot and am very impressed with the board. I'm Mom to a now 4 y/o adopted through social services. She is attractive, very bright and animated, so most people do not realize that she has attachment issues. I am in the process of a second adoption, a 3 year old little boy also through social services. We accepted his referral knowing he has speech problems and is not yet toilet trained. As we get to know him, he is presenting as a wonderful, responsive and happy little boy, but very 'immature'. I would say most of his skills are about a year behind. It doesn't matter at this point, we feel we were chosen for him and I don't think you go into a social services adoption expecting your typical child anyway. However, anyone we have spoken to so far, including our family doctor has not been positive. He urged us to 'reconsider', look into the cost of long term speech therapy and special ed. etc. I know about all this, I'm a Special Ed teacher!! Do you just not say anything to people, and let them figure it out or what?? I find it really disheartening at this point to have people say negative things to us when we are unconditionally opening our hearts and home to a child for life. As I only know too well, anyone at all can have a bio child with special needs. Thanks for listening ... Kalynn.

[Barksum]

but it must be sleeping with the cyber fishes now! Sorry!

The long and the short of my first post was this: we've been there too. People are just trying to make sure you "don't make a mistake" and have "thought it through". Often peoples' responses are to how THEY would feel about the kind of adoption you are contemplating, not how they feel YOU would handle the adoption you are contemplating. Just as I would react with pained disbelief over the idea of climbing Mt. Everest (double yuck! why would I even contemplate that?!) or even trekking up some small hill anywhere else in the world (more mildly yucky than climbing Everest, but still not in my top 1000 things I want to do) other people react to the idea of adoption in general, and special needs adoption more specifically. Since they are just hearing about it from you and are having to think about it at all they seem to automatically assume YOU haven't thought about it either.

I've chosen to pick the people who's opinions, philosophies and lives I respect and consider their advice, cautions and reactions. The rest of the people I just tend to nod and smile to, letting their reactions and opinions roll right off.

Professionals (dr's, therapists, etc. etc.) often react from their experiences with families who are struggling to meet the needs of their children. The professionals see the really tough things these families go through and are therefore pretty cautious. They often see the most severe ends of the spectrums, too. Or at least these are the cases that stick in their minds so of course they want others to "think it through". I also keep in mind that even the most respected professional usually only sees me in one capacity and doesn't know me all that well or see the scope of family life that is individual to MY family. They may have some good suggestions, but my DH and I are the ones making the decisions, not them. We have many advisors, but we make the decisions.

Didn't mean to get preachy! LOL Hope you aren't too discouraged. Adoption is often a hot topic, and special needs adoption is even hotter. Makes people react strongly, whether for or against. We have only had a small number of friends or family who haven't been hesitant to whole heartedly encourage us; most people express doubt, hesitancy or downright disapproval.

[Teresa K]

I am sorry you are going through this. All children deserve love, and I would have to wonder if the ones asking why you want this child had all their children totally potty trained at 3 years. It is not uncommon for 3 year old not to be trained, or the parents trained to take the child as is often the case.

Then speech therapy, I volunteer at my kids elementary school, there are many kids with speech problems. My oldest had serious problems due to partial hearing loss (which was corrected). He was in speech therapy for years. Yes, it was time consuming, and expensive but he was my child. Your soon to be child deserves a home, and love. On a different note, my 11 year old just had his tonsils removed, now he talks like Mickey Mouse. He talks and people who do not know him give these looks, like "what is wrong with him?" Basically what I am saying is, if you love the child and he fits in the family as you say, ignore the others. In time those problems will be overcome. Good Luck, Teresa

[LynMaria]

Well...if everyone thought like your physician and others, whose opinions come to you unsolicited, then special needs kids wouldn't have homes. I believe that fostering and 'special needs' adoptions aren't for everyone. In fact there are very few that are 'cut-out' for it. One has to be highly adaptable, have unconditional love, be able to w/stand numerous heartbreaks, be able to delay gratification, and have an extremely adaptable and understanding spouse and kids where applicable. Sometimes, I think others are highly curious and they are attempting to open up conversation to see 'where you're coming from' so to speak. Though you didn't ask for advice, may I offer a little? Keep doing what you know you are suppose to be doing, those children need you far more than you need anyone's opinion. Don't let anyone allow you to second guess yourself and what you are doing for the children. As you and I both know....those kids give us far more than we could ever think about giving them !! Best wishes in bringing your second little one home. We too are in the process of bringing our 3y.o. little guy home.

[kmalay]

I think everyone has made some great points. I will add that my own bio child was not completely potty trained until she was almost 4 because of some things that had happened unexpentantly and she needed speech therapy from the time she was 5-7. She is now a wonderful, beautiful and very intelligent 17 yr old. You could be dealing with this regardless of how you are blessed with your children. You need to follow your heart and not listen to others. My own parents who fostered for a few years while growing up have questioned me about our adoption process and I just look at them and tell them that we have had plenty of time to think about things(2yrs) and we are still proceeding so yes we have thought it out and we know it is right for us.

[Cleopatrick]

Ignore them. Too many people think you actually WANT their opinion, lol. My son has nothing wrong with him at all and he didn't potty train until two months after his fourth birthday. And as a special ed teacher who better qualified to help this child!

I can imagine your discouragement when you fall in love with a child only to hear nothing but negative comments. We were "lucky" with our youngest daughter. She's severelly multiply impaired. She came to us through foster care and was here two years before TPR. By the she we were able to adopt her our families were so madly in love with her they would have disowned us if we hadn't, lol. The opposite side of what you get is what we get and I find it sooooo annoying. We hear from people that we are saints for adopting someone like Allie. This ticks me off to no end because it implies that only a saint could ever love my little girl. Only the people who don't know her would ever even think that because she's so darn easy to love. Allie has never met a stranger, lol. Your either someone she doesn't know but she's sure she'll love you soon, someone she loves, or someone she thinks hung the moon. She's got dimples on her cheeks, and she may not speak but she can speak volumes with a smile.

Anyway, my point (if I have one LOL) is that people just don't get it when it comes to special needs kids. They either think your an idiot or a saint and either way they just don't understand. Hang in there and go with your heart.

[Barksum]

I really appreciated your post.

I haven't figured out how to respond in just the way I would like to the "Saint" comments people give us. People tell us "how lucky" our children are to have "gotten" us. I always want to squint my eyes at them and go "Huh?!", but haven't had the guts to do that yet. Usually I say that we look at it the other way...we are so very blessed by having such wonderful child. And of course they all just smile and say, "Oh, only a saint would think like that!" Ergh.

My all time stumper comment was, "I just couldn't take someone else's child like you do." I just looked down at the floor and mumbled something inane, while frantically trying to figure out what she had just said. Did she think we "took" this child from someone else? Did she mean that SHE couldn't love a child who wasn't biologically hers? (I decided to put that spin on it because I don't think the lady was being malicious.) Or...well, what?! I've wondered if she got home and beat her forehead with her hands and said, "Stupid! Stupid! Why did I SAY that?!" or if she even realized how it sounded. LOL

[Cleopatrick]

LOL Barksum! I'm so glad to find someone else that can't figure out how to answer the saint comments LOL. What I would like to say and what I do say are never the same. I say the same thing you do, that we are the lucky ones. What I would LIKE to say is "Why, you think only a saint could love her?" or how about "Yes, I'm sure YOUR parents were saints to" and then smile real evil like, lol.

I've got the "you've done miracles with her" comments down pat. Allie was never supposed to be able to hold her own head up but she's using a walker right now. I just laugh and tell people that Allie did all the hard work, all we did was fall in love with her.

The worst one I heard was from my neighbor and she said it not once but twice! When Allie first went up for adoption she said "You're not going to adopt her are you??? She's so much work!". And then when my oldest daughter went up for adoption she said "You're not going to adopt her are you??? She's so old!". I'm sure you are thinking right now the exact words I wanted to say LOL. I just said in both cases "Yes, we are. We love her."

I too hope that some of these people go home and smack their heads thinking "I can't believe I said that!" LOL

[vtsuperfly]

I had to reply to Barki and Cleopatrick! We have had our nine year old for almost 3 months. He has moderate disabilities and was in several pre-adopt homes that did not work out. I am getting so sick of the 'saint' comments too! I did this because I wanted to... and my DH and teens wanted to also. We are struggling and certainly don't feel like saints most of the time. We wanted another kid in the family!

When things are going rough, you want to hear that it will work out in time, not that you are nuts to be doing this! It is quite a learning experience, for sure.

[kay]

I agree with everyone, and am also incensed by the "saint" comments - but I think it just goes with the territory. My son has been with me for 3 1/2 years now, and is 12 years old. We had initial adjustment struggles, but now are just dealing with what I consider normal "I'm a teenager and you can't tell *me* what to do!" issues. However, if I share such issues with some folks, including those whose kids are now young adults and have been through such issues, instead of getting "oh, I remember that, it was really a pain" (and perhaps "this is one way we got through it") I get the sympathetic look and the "you're really a saint - he's so lucky." At that point the conversation ends rather quickly with my saying that we're *both* lucky - and I resolve to put them on the list of people that I can only be superficial with. It is infuriating, and I keep wishing for the perfect comment so that they'd once and for all "get it" - but I haven't come up with anything yet.

It's hard not to get discouraged, and some friendships have cooled due to their not being willing or able to see past the problems and/or sainthood - but others have stepped forward to fill the gaps (some of them unlooked-for and pleasant surprises!)

Congratulations, Kalynn, on adding to your family!

[Barksum]

I know just what to say to the "Saint" comments! It came to me while I was tucking in my littlest one who'd taken his jammies off because he CAN now.

I need to put in a disclaimer here: someone probably already posted this somewhere in the archived posts and that's why I had this little lightbulb idea now. I'm the one who sent the same gift to my grandmother TWICE, and didn't realize it until my mom pointed it out. (And I think my grandmother is losing her memory!)

The next time (use your discretion, of course) you get The Saint comment, just agree with them! And grin evilly, while laughing like The Shadow does on the radio.

I can see it all now! "Your kids are so lucky to be in your home! You are a SAINT for taking them in!" says Lady Tactless. "Why, yes, they are fortunate to have us as parents. My husband and I were noticing that we ARE saints just the other day", says I.

Now to have to courage to do it once, even just once....

[katie8471]

My son had speech problems(and didnt toilet train until late) but would I have chosen not to give birth to him if I had known he would need help? NO WAY! he is in third grade and his speech problems are in the past but he needs extra help in keeping up with his class. If you want this child in your life(and it sure sounds like you do) then just close your ears and refuse to hear the naysayers. who knows you better than you? and really speech problems and late toilet training boys is not really a big deal. a little preschool, and a loving home and I bet you anything he recovers his speech QUICKLY and the toilet thing will happen in its own time, in my experience boys (most boys, not just adopted boys) are just slower to train. bring home your baby and love him. I would bet anything he thrives in your home.
ps we are adopting a 3 year old boy from Russia. so we may be facing similar experiences. I dont know if he talks, he doesnt in the video. but if he doesnt, we will deal with it. I wish you the best with your new baby.

[kay]

Originally posted by Barksum

I can see it all now! "Your kids are so lucky to be in your home! You are a SAINT for taking them in!" says Lady Tactless. "Why, yes, they are fortunate to have us as parents. My husband and I were noticing that we ARE saints just the other day", says I.

Barki, you made me laugh out loud! How I'd *love* to, just once, try this comment! I'm far too chicken (which is nutso, 'cause *they're* the ones being rude!), but at least I'll be able to remember, and smile, the next time the opportunity arises . . .
Thanks!
kay

[Mackenzie]

"I'm far too chicken (which is nutso, 'cause *they're* the ones being rude!)"

They may be rude but we don't have to come down to that level also!

It's because of comments others have made to us that helps me want to fight even more for my daughter.

When we first inquired about adopting, the worker at DFS that "eventually" returned my call told me that they probably would not have the kind of children we would be interested in. HOW would they know? They didn't even know anything about us. I felt very strongly about adopting and had I backed away because of her comments we wouldn't have our daughter. We didn't feel as though DFS took us seriously, so we did most of our searching ourselves and found our daughter at an adoption fair.

Having her has been like being on a roller coaster that never stops. People who have made the "saint" comments to us make me wonder about them because they really have no idea what we have dealt with and really don't understand how often we have doubted ourselves. The up side is how much she has given us. When we see her making progress even in the smallest ways we are happy for her not ourselves.

Just as some people can not understand how you could raise a child that you didn't give birth to, I have a hard time understanding why someone couldn't. I love others in my life that are not tied to me through blood lines, why not someone elses child.

Last night my 15 yr. old daughter gave me my first kiss good night. I waited for 3 years for her to feel comfortable to do that. Those are the rewards adoptive parents get!

Robin

[lambeausam]

Hey Robin,

After that kiss, I bet you had the best night's sleep ever!