[SusanC.]

Some of you may remember me, though I have not been to this board in awhile. Others of you know me from a private adoption list and so have heard my story already. I thought I'd take some time to write of our situation here - not seeking support or agreement, not wishing to "warn" anyone of anything... simply in the chance that it may be helpful in some way to those of you who haven't yet heard it.

My name is Susan. My husband and I have four children - three daughters and a son. Our son arrived to our home via a foster adoption interstate placement from the state of North Carolina 18 months ago, when he was 9. He came with the diagnoses of ADHD. He was described as a sweet little boy who would do well in a family, and needed only someone "to love him."

We knew his issues were bigger than that shortly after his arrival to our home. In many ways he seemed out of control. We weren't overly concerned due to having spent many months researching attachment issues and also having dealt with them with our youngest daughter, who was adopted as well. However, he had some ritualistic sort of behaviors that were indicative of something along the autistic spectrum, and that did concern us. We sought answers on how to deal with the possibility of an autistic disorder and parented him from that angle.

Our situation seemed to brighten after awhile, until October 31, 2001, when we finalized the adoption. Whatever that "finalization" meant in my son's mind, the bottom fell out of his behavior. What was considered "out of control" before seemed simple compared to what we were now facing. The autistic characteristics became worse as did the controlling/ manipulative sort of behaviors that are consistent with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

With all the gusto we could muster, we then pursued parenting our son from the RAD angle. We bought the Nancy Thomas literature, we implemented the loving, yet firm boundaries that a RAD child needs. We did what we could but it never seemed enough. When we dealt with RAD behaviors, autistic behaviors would come out. When we dealt with autistic behaviors, RAD behaviors would be overwhelming.

Meanwhile, we got tired. Our lives became anything but normal. In recent months, our son could not be left in a room with our daughters for any length of time because he began exhibiting some questionable and unsafe behaviors around them - specifically my 3-year-old, who seems to have become something he chooses to obsess over. He needed to be monitored through the night, because he would steal. He needed to be monitored outside, because he had no idea of what constitutes safe playing and what constitutes a dangerous situation. He needed to be monitored around everyone and everything. Homeschooling this child became a matter of simply providing him learning materials and letting him work on his own. If I acted like the work was important to me, he would refuse to do it. If I offered correction, he would go into loud rages.

In June, we had a neighbor call social services and allege that we were abusing our son. The social worker came out, spent several hours with us and declared the allegations unfounded. She offered us services, but did not know what services to offer. Basically we did not see her again.

Still we hung in there, resigned to live like this because he is our child and we could not give up on him.

Nine days ago, my son went into a rage and became violent with me. It became apparent at that point that we have not been able to offer this child what he needs and that we were no longer able to keep him safe or our other children and myself safe in the house with him. On Saturday, he was admitted through the ER to the psychiatric ward of the hospital. They not only agreed that he poses a real threat to himself and family members (namely myself and my youngest daughter), but that they could not - by law - release him to us.

The hospital tried to find a residential placement for him, but could not. We could not either. On Monday afternoon - with no other way to obtain the help for my son that he needs - we allowed social services to take custody of him. They were able immediately to find a bed at a residential facility in our state and he was transferred there this morning. In order for social services to take custody and achieve what we could not, we were charged with "Dependency & Neglect." This charge is - apparently - a formality, but still a charge of abuse that will follow my husband and I through our social security numbers for life.

We do not feel as though we have been neglectful, and everyone involved has stated that we have most certainly not been. On the contrary, we are doing all we know in order to help our child. On one hand, I am thankful that our government cannot step in and take custody of someone's child without just cause, on the other hand, I (and I'm sure all parents who find themselves in this situation) sincerely wish that there was something else that they could legally call it that would reflect reality and not give the illusion of some sort of wrong-doing on our part. Maybe someday when I am stronger, I will begin speaking out to my local level government about this issue. Maybe...

My son has been given the diagnoses of moderate autism and significant reactive attachment disorder. Neither of these illnesses are particularly conducive to being able to form family relationships. The combination of the two illnesses is lethal in the ability to form family relationships. Any work that could be done for autism will be canceled out by RAD. Any work that could be done for RAD will be canceled out by autism.

We spoke to our son this morning and he sounded happier than he has ever been. He is - at last - in a place where he feels safe. No one is demanding that he have relationships, no one is expecting him to understand or be responsible for maintaining these relationships that are frightening and foreign to him. For the time being, he can simply be who he is in a place where nothing more than he can handle right now is expected of him.

My family is mourning the loss - in a sense - of our "son" as he has been in our hopes and dreams. We will have a lifetime to mourn our losses. Our son is - after 11 years of pain and frustration - finally feeling safe and happy. It does not occur to him to feel any different at this moment than safe and happy. We hope he will have a lifetime of safety and happiness.

Much can be said about "hanging in there at all costs" - of never letting go. We certainly envisioned ourselves as the sort to hang in there at all costs and genuinely thought that was what we were doing. But reality is not always what it seems. In reality, it is only through the letting go of our hopes and our dreams that we are able in this way to give my son what he needs right now. Perhaps, if there is any "message" in my message to you all it would be simply this: Sometimes you will be required to be strong enough to hang on. Sometimes you will be asked to be strong enough to let go.

And so, I will do today the thing that I am only just learning to do... I will open my hands and let of few more of those dreams fly upon brightly colored wings to heaven. For I have hope. I have hope for the best this life has to give - for my son, for myself, my husband and daughters. And I have hope in someday and in heaven. Someday I will have an eternity in which to finally know my son. In heaven there will be no autism. There will be no reactive attachment disorder.

I haven't come here today for any other reason than to share. I STILL believe in adoption. I STILL believe that most children CAN and WILL be helped by being given a family to love and care for them - though sometimes love and care is a different thing than what it initially appears to be. I STILL believe that adoption is a road by which families are made and lives are miraculously changed for the better. And to you, my friends... to you and your children, I wish a safe journey.

-Susan

[Debra]

I have thought of you often over the past 6 months. I am just beginning my journey with my kids, but have been inspired over the past couple of years by your eloquent and thoughtful posts.
I remember your story well, and was amazed at your continued perseverance. My kidlets are MILDLY RAD, nothing compared to your son's issues.. I can not even imagine the sorrow and loss you are experiencing now, having already endured and overcome so much. Certainly you don't nedd ME to tell you that that you did your best to "heal" your son; you already know in your heart. I respect and envy your continued hope and optimism.
Thanks for sharing with the board. Please don't be a stranger here!
Also, I think I saw you on a "writing board", but then you weren't there anymore. Anyway, I know you write, and as an aspiring author myself, I'm a fan! What was that one...."Broken Glass"? Something like that.......Awesome!!!

[louise]

n/t

[slikmom]

I too am writing this through tears. It hit home with me because my youngest adoptive son seems to be our greatest challenge. My husband have often wondered about the worst case scenarios.
You mentioned about the behaviors bottoming out after finalization.. and I thought we were alone in this respect. Our children's behaviors escalated after finalization too. The basis, from what I understand, is that my children have no real concept of what forever means. They have only known neglect and rejection.. and a word like 'finalization' is truly beyond them at this time.
I truly appreciate you sharing your story with all of us. I am sure this road had been a tremendous strain on every part of your life and yourself.
You will continue to be in my prayers.
I do not consider what happened in any way to indicate that you 'gave up'. There are some children who cannot be repaired. It is greatly unfortunate.. and you did give it your all.
Be blessed,
Heather

[Indy]

Susan,

I have followed your writing and your family since I joined this board. You have been an inspiration to me. You put in words what many of us feel. I felt the hurt in your words as I read this story tonight.

Know that my prayers are with you...for that is all I have to offer. I cannot put in words what I am feeling, except sadness for you and your family.

[kay]

Susan,
I too have followed your progress through this board, and have been inspired by you and your writings. I am so very sorry to hear of what's happened. You're right, it makes absolutely no sense that services aren't available when a family needs them, but as soon as the state is involved, presto! - a place magically appears. I am so sad for you and your family; my prayers are with you all.

--kay

[alisab]

Dear Susan,

I was so touched by your story and am so sorry you've experienced it. It is a great gift you give us by sharing it here.

Alisa

[Linny]

Susan:
Our families are very similar in these experiences. Our son is also very RAD, very, very disturbed and has been in an RTC for three years now......with no progress, no hope for any type of attachment....and certainly, we cannot allow him to come home again to harm the other children again.

(For background info...please see my post on "We took on more than we could handle")

I find it very discouraging that 'the system' will not address these issues that come children cannot live in a traditional home at all. Such is the case with our son.

It has taken two of the three years for me not to feel solid fear over the thought of having to live with our son again. In fact, our family has implemented a 'Plan B"....should this ever occur. Our family (with its original adoptions, and new ones) is somewhat normal, though the scars this child left on our family will be worn forever.

I am no longer angry with our son....and this took a long time to get over. He has been failed by many.....and we, as his adoptive parents, gave him more time and effort than anyone had ever given him (four years in our home.........going on seven years as his parents).

OUr next step now, it seems, is planning for a new RTC. The present one feels they have exhausted all of their resources (and they have). It is involved trying to find placement for a teenager who does not wish to move from the age of three....does not want to live in reality.......and is driven strictly on impulse and desires for himself.

Even in telling him that the next placement will be very far away....his concern was if he could write and talk to the present RTC.......not his 'home'. But, this came as no surprise. There is no real 'personality' there......it is too damaged.

At any rate......thank you for posting. Thank you for letting me see that there are others in this part of adoption that few like to look at.

God Bless you and your family.


Sincerely,

Linny

[Mom_Of_Many]

Sadly, we started this journey together, and it seems as though our journey has taken a similar path. I have learned (espescially in talking at therapy) at how very angry I am at the system that pretty much gives most of us a green light to adopt any child we want. They never really warn us how bad (or impossible) it can get. Never once were we warned that our kids could be a real, physical threat to us or our other kids, and our profiles on both kids were 100% wrong. We tried our hardest too, as I am positive you did. I think adoption is great, but I do think the placing agencies, which have more experience and see more than we ever can, should block adoptions that are risky to us and our other, especially younger kids. Yes, we will be mad. Yes, we will call their superiors. Yes, we will try to change their minds. But it isn't fair to put a child into a situation where he certainly will fail. And it isn't fair to put a good-hearted family thru the heartbreak of what you are going thru now. If anyone could have helped him, it was you. Take good care of yourself. We are healing and, as time goes on, and a new peace settles in, we realize that our life while the other two kids were here was a very crazy, abnormal life of constantly being stressed, but we got used to it. I'm convinced people can get used to anything. Now that they are gone, life *is* back to normal again. Even after we knew what Raphael had done to our younger kids, CPS still didn't want to remove him from our home. In fact, we had to make the plans. With Rayon, we had help from my therapist. She recommended he never come back and he is exhibiting sexual abuse issues in his foster home. I understand our parental rights will be terminated if we want them too, and we are going to let these boys free. maybe another miracle family can help them. I am so sorry to hear about your family and wish you prayers and hope that you will heal quickly.