[Georgia Mom]

Hi, this is only my second post to this board, but this is a topic we frequently discuss at home. My DH and I learned early on that in older child adoption, especially if the kids are special needs, that your definition of success must adapt to the circumstance. For our son, now 20, adopted at 10, success will be not going to jail, staying out of psych hospitals and not committing suicide. Anything beyond that is a bonus. Although parenting him was VERY hard, I can't honestly say I wouldn't do it again. At least we gave him a chance. I frequently think of this phrase from Deborah Hage, an adoptive mom and attachment expert, "No act of love is ever wasted." Those simple words were very powerful and healing to us as we wondered if anything we had done for our son was worth it. Today, he expresses gratitude for what we did for him. He will never be a "normal" person ( he is now diagnosed bi-polar), but I consider him a success story.

Our daughter, now 14, adopted at 6, is still very challenging. But we look at where she is now, and where she was when we first met her, and she is definitely a success story. We have had to have a warped sense of humor to deal with some of her behaviors. I think a sense of humor definitely helps through some of the rough times. Also an ability to not take personally a lot of the attacks that may come your way.(In our case, literal as well as figural attacks.)

Our 16 yo, adopted at 11, is a high schooler now and doing great. She and her sister are both MR and in special ed, so on that front alone, we have had to adjust our definition of success. I don't suppose our household would meet any standard criteria for "normal" , anymore than for success. We are definitely a family, just not a "Father Knows Best" one. We are probably more like the Simpsons!

In spite of the challenges we have faced, we remain strong advocates of older child adoption. We plan to do it again, in fact. I guess it is hard to know, pre-adoption, just what you can handle, but I can tell you firsthand, it is frequently more than you think you can! I know that if we had known ahead of time just what we would face, we might have said no. But parenting our children has been the single most important thing we have ever done in life. I guess you have to be really honest with yourself and ask if you can be happy if your family turns out to be a non-traditional one. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, just what rings true for you.