[bobs]

from Ny in desperate need of finding out how to go about disrupting an adoptioon. Twins S/I x 5yrs. hve had them 4. Their behaviorhas always been very difficult but now becoming very dangerous, creul to animals, other children, stealing from stores so disruptive in the car i am afraid to drive.I fear for our safety.

[echaos]

I don't mean to be rude or cruel, but if you had given birth to these children and these behaviours started, would you place them for adoption?

[lucyjoy]

How old did you say these kids are? Am I reading this wrong or are these twin five year olds you've had since 1? Did you mean 15?

I don' know what the laws are in your state, but it's easiest to find a family willing to take the children and follow the laws in your state regarding private adoption.

[mckenna]

are these children 5y/o foster children you are in the process of adopting and have now decided not to? are they already adopted, i am confussed?

[bobs]

these are 5 year olds whom i adopted 4 years ago. they are diagnosed with RAD ADD OCD and have become violent towards others and i do not feel safe with them in my home

[mckenna]

from everything i am learning, you cannot dirrupt an adoption that has already taken place. what i have been told is that once the adoption is final, it is as if you and your wife had given birht to them. are the children in therapy, what does a developmentalist say about their behaviors?

[rindava]

Yep, you can actually disrupt an adoption even after it is final

It is not always the best thing, but it does happen all the time.

Just like bio-parents can sign kids over to the state, so can adoptive parents (in every state I have heard of)

But most of the time social services will want to do intensive services and maybe RTC, etc...

Your best bet may be what lucyjoy suggested and that is to find another adoptive home for them.

Have you really tried everything from getting their meds straight to attachment therapy-----If they have been with you since they are little, they should be attached to you and maybe have other problems such as severe mental disorders, etc.... These can be treated and controled

You may really want to try to stick with them though, but I don't know what all you have been through.

Good Luck and God Bless

[yael]

Check the adoptingfromdisruption group on yahoo. There are a few of these groups which include people who are actively trying to adopt children whose adoptions are being disrupted. Usually, they are parents very experienced in RAD and difficult behaviors.

I am so sorry that you are at this point. I know that you must be going through an extreme situation to have come to this decision. You are not alone, though. Others have been there, and you will find support through these parent groups. If you have trouble finding the groups, let me know.
Yael

[lucyjoy]

Was the original adoption through your state, or was it a private or international adoption? If the state is not involved and there is no subsidy, it's much easier. I would not recommend trying to give the kids to the state as they will file charges against you.

I have readopted this way once before and am in the process of adopting a second disrupted child.

If your interested in how we did this, pm me and I'll give you my email address.

Check the RADZEBRA.org web site. You might find some useful information there.

Dr. Martha Welch who wrote Holding Time works out of NewYork. She's expensive and her methods are a little radical, but she might be able to help you keep your children and be safe. There are also a few RAD therapists that travel to you to do intensives.

[Dr. Art]

While one can disrupt in NY (I've worked with a few families that have), you really should engage in treatment first. At such a young age, approrpriate attachment based treatment is usually very effective. While there is no one in NYC I can recommend, there is an excellent therapist in Florida NY and several in the Philly area that should be able to help you. These are all listed on the ATTACH website www.attach.org

My experience is that DSS will not just let you walk in and sign over your children. You will have to work with an agency and the children will be placed in foster care while treatment is provided. The problem is that in addition to your having to pay the usual child support costst (15% gross for one child and 28% for two), the treatment services are usually not effective or appropriate for children with RAD. Hence my recommendation that you get your own attachment-based treatment first and then see where you are. In the cases I've been involved with I've usually worked with the family for a while before they actually moved toward disruption. It was still a long and painful process.

Best of luck

[Mom_Of_Many]

In most states, it can be done with a lawyer. I make no judgements. We had one particularly scary kid in our home and I'd love to dissolve the adoption. And, yes, if I had a biological son who acted like he did, I would be forced to give up custody to the state. This child was totally unsafe and, if you have other kids (and I don't know if you do or don't) they have a right to feel safe. Another child that is in foster care, we would also like to set free so that he can be adopted by his foster family, where he can be the youngest one (he sexually acts out) and he can have a stable home. In our state, we aren't allowed to do that, but we don't see these boys. Our other kids (and, yes, we adopted them also) are terrified of them and they were victimized. I wish you luck. My e-mail is pammar@tznet.com

[Graham]

I'm just wondering, because something seems to be missing here, and that happens a lot in Independents (ie: lawyer-adopton) where there's no training, no matching and no assistance in the early stages. I sense a hesitancy on the part of some previous responders, most likely because the children are so young and were with the family during the critical primary attachment stage. This situation sounds quite atypical, although very challenging nonetheless. Bobs, you need help. Make sure you choose a professional who is balanced and .not committed to any one theoretical approach. A good assessment of your adoptive family is what you should ask for. Best wishes to you all.
Graham

[bobs]

Thanks Graham.

That is good sound avice. we are fortunate to have a case amnager with 12 years of adoption experience who is been at our beck and call. She has been a Godsend for both us and the children.

[Amanda S.]

Bobs,

Just wondering if all was looking better? Have you gotten the support you were looking for?

Amanda S.

[dadfor2]

GOD BLESS YOU!!!

i cant imagine it, making a decision like that. I do trust you will make the best decision for the kids as well as for your family.

That is one of my biggest fears is that the two boys we adopted are going to have those issues. they are both brothers and their mother and her family, are all diagnosed with some mental health issue.

Though they havnt been with us long, i havnt seen anything yet. and believe me, im always looking.......they have both done some weird stuff, expecially the older one, but so far nothing to traumatic. The little guy was given a fire starter psch eval due to his obessesion with fire while he was in foster care, but he was deemed to young to be tested at the time and the psych stated he didnt see anything as of yet. He hasnt really been facinated with fire since he has been with us....but i do think about it

just the other day, the two boys, 5 & 7 decided to smash thier matchbox cars with a brick....typically boy stuff. well, i overheard the youngest say to his brother "dont smash that one, that one is daddys favorite car". Im not sure if that means anything, but i felt the little guy had a conscience, which i was releived. (oh, and it was my favorite, i was impressed he remembered ...hey, dont judge me, i can have a favorite match box car.....lol

they do have a tendency to throw rocks at squirrels, not sure if i should be concenrned with it. ( i might be looking too hard...lol).

here is one suggestion, you might want to get the kids in a residential program for a while and see if that helps them. sometimes being at home isnt enough for some of these kids. IM not saying give them up, just seek out help ASAP. You never know, maybe they can find something that might help them. you have had them for a while, i would hate to see them disrupted again, anyway, the best of luck, im sure it will work out the way its suppose to.

god bless
dadfor2