[Mom_Of_Many]

For lack of a better word, I will call what happened with R. and R. a disruption. In our state, you are not allowed to terminate your parental rights, so they are legally still our children, but we have disassociated ourselves from them long ago. As far as we know, R. is now 14, still in a group home for young sexual perpetrators, and court ordered to stay there at least until he is 19. Other than that, we know nothing and ask to know nothing. Our other R., now 10, is supposedly doing very well in his foster home, and I wish they'd let us relinquish rights to him so that they could adopt him. They have pledged to care for him until he is an adult. I hope he believes them and learns to trust them. Since he is the youngest in the family, and they have more interests in common with him than we did, we are all for it and wish him the best. He was a victim also. We do not know a whole lot about what he is up to other than that. As for our family: We are doing well. Lucas and Nicole are still in Catholic School where they are terribly spoiled and beloved since the nun who teaches there is our great friend and their Godmother. Although Lucas has special learning needs, they are trying hard to meet those needs at this school, and combined with the love he gets there, we elected to keep him there another year. He did much better on the Terra Nova test than anyone ever dreamed. Maybe he is not as delayed as people thought! Nicole loves her school, her friends, the teachers. Both are still in therapy for the sexual abuse they suffered, but, their therapist informed me, as of yet neither have wanted to talk about it. This is an issue that is the legacy of having adopted R., 14, and we will live with it forever. I am hopeful my younger kids will eventually talk about it and heal. I believe they realize he is never coming back, can't get out from where he is now, and doesn't know the address of our new home. Yes, we left the country and bought a little home in a small town (2000 people). There are tons of other kids on the block so they are always busy when the weather is nice. My older kids continue to be blessings and support for us all. We keep in touch often. I have gotten a part time job and now work, 9-12:30. It's not much, but it's something to do. After work, I always jog a mile or two, then come home and walk the dogs---all four of them! Tom, my hub, is busy at work, but now has a better schedule in which he is home earlier than he used to be. We continue to advocate in our community and within our Special Needs Adoption Group for parents to be more educated about the statistics of adoption, the truth about sexual abuse and how often these kids are sexually abused (giving them a big risk to either abuse younger kids in the home or cry false sexual abuse charges). We continue to suggest to new people coming into our group that it is best to adopt kids younger than your own since you never know what you have (no matter how hard you try to find out) until they live with you. We are still very pro-interracial adoption and encourage people to adopt across racial lines so that so many African-American kids do not wait and wait while kids of other races get adopted so much faster. Our Adoption Group is supportative. We are also trying to work on teaching people about RAD before they adopt so that they don't think love conquers all. The intense bitterness and anger has lessened with time, but we are still appalled at what the system does both to the kids they are supposed to protect, and the families who foster them and then those who adopt them. I feel they need to be more picky about foster parents. Many kids are sexually abused and physically abused in foster homes and the kids are afraid to tell about it. This is just wrong. At any rate, for ourselves we will not adopt again. We will not foster again. We are very happy with our awesome kids---the greatest kids on earth, we say----and have no more desire to take any more risks. Plus now I am almost 50 years old and think it would be unfair to adopt a child younger than my youngest, who is six, due to the ages of my hub and myself. Plus we're just plain burned out because of our experiences with R. and R. These days we rescue animals in need and take it easy and enjoy life. Life is wonderful Just an update. I wish you all well on your journies. We've had heaven and we've had hell. I wish you all have heaven.

[Dianna]

I am glad that you are continuing to heal Pam. It sounds like you are doing good work for your family and in your community. We have lots of animals too and they really know how to teach love. Best Wishes to you, Dianna

[rindava]

if bio parents can place children for adoption, who can't adoptive parents do it?

Have you wrote all the state senators and congressman about it and both of the boys sending states? Did you get the child support thing resolved?

How about the President of the U.S. or you all's wonderful Hillary (Bubba's wife) Write them, see what they have to say, etc....

I really think the social workers are pulling one over on you.

I have noticed that the kids waiting in Wisconsin have been waiting for ever, so maybe social services there is as bad as you all say. I don't live there. I just think you could get NJ and DE to do something to get the kids transfered back, or pay the child support for them. I know Va has at least one kid in Texas and 3 in CO, and I know of one from RI who is living Virginia. So, it does happen that way as well. Part of that interstate thing is that the sending state agrees to be responcible for that child on some level.

Good luck and God Bless!

[Lilathe]

I have seen postings on Lifetime Adoption Agency about children in care whose birth parents rights were about to be terminated by CPS. The birth parents were placing the children before CPS could terminate rights. They were doing this so they could pick the family themselves and maybe have some type of contact after the adoption.

If parents who have had kids removed for abuse can place their kids for adoption while in CPS custody, I don't see why someone who had their children removed for the safety of the children in home could not do it.

Maybe call Lifetime and ask them how to do it (not recommending them, don't know anything about them) but they might be someplace to start to get information for Rayon.

[louise]

about Lifetime....

If it is the organization CA it is NOT an agency, it is a facilitation service. Very different kettle of fish...don't get me started on facilitators! Caution!

[hoppiebarker]

HI
I have not experienced what you're going thru and do not understand the system, but who does. I have gone thru a disruptive placement fortunatly it didn't get to adoptive stage as my son was also a victim of sexual abuse. But the guilt that the agency laid on me as well as my own was very upsetting. I am still looking to adopt but am much more selective also and am also pushin' 50.Have now decided to look at the more medically fragile special needs children rather than the ADD,PTSD RAD & all the other D's that effect our other adoptive children. I'm glad you've found some peace and have other outlets to apply your obvious giving heart......
GOOD LUCK TO YOU

[lucyjoy]

Just a thought, I know Wisconsin will not let a parent terminate parental rights if it leaves a child parentless, but have you checked to see if they will allow you to if there is another waiting couple to adopt? I know your son is already back in state care so that could be sticky, but sometimes you can do a private adoption if the other couple is willing. There would be no subsidy, though.

[hoppiebarker]

Thanks for the post I guess I wasn't clear. We never adopted this child he was a pre-adoptive placement but realized before we went thru the proceedings that it wouldn't work as he sexually perp'd our other already adoptive son (younger) and others with "many other reasons!!!! Mostly lack of info prior to placement! It just reinforces in my mind what Pam said about adopting older children than what is currently in your home you're putting them at risk of unnecessary abuse and home should be the safe place that most never had.