[ProudPapa]

My wife and I recently adopted a little infant girl whose mother did not lead the most exemplary lifestyle. There were drugs used also. The baby is doing well but I have worries that the infant will later on choose a path similar to her birth mother or will be heartbroken if/when she finds out about her birth parents. I just want to make sure I am giving her the best upbringing. I worry about her often. Do any of you have any words of encouragement or insight.

Feeling a little nervous about being a new dad,
Pete

[dadfor2]

pete,
dont know if this will help, but we currently adopting two boys, siblings, special needs, they are 5 and 7.

we have had the 5 yr old since dec and the 7 yr old comes over on sleepover weekends.....(this is a whole other story)

anyway, they both came from an abusive mother, (who had mental health issues and refused to stay on meds), they have both witnessed the abuse, they are both in counseling.....

i do wonder if any of these children will ever have the same mental health issues, but i could go on and on with worry, but what i am experiencing is such a joy, the boys are wonderful, and i am truly grateful for them to have them in my life......

i guess i just have to let it go and deal with what ever god has in store for us.....but the child that we have now, has totally bonded with us, there is no doubt that he is with us forever.....he does test, but hes not going anywhere.

you do have an infant......its different.....just enjoy the child. dont worry about if she will be addicted to drugs, most parents worry about how their children will grow up, its just normal to worry...bio kids or adoptive kids....we all worry.

but we do our best and hope for the best.

try to stop worring, just enjoy your new child....congrats

good luck
dadfor2

[Graham]

Hi Pete, Congrats on your new parenthood. As the step-parent of a heroin addict I can assure you that genetics probably plays only a minor role. In my daughter's case it was rape by the high school football quarterback when she was age 11. Sorry for the bluntness, maybe its the invasion and all, but I really believe that the future is not always in our hands (and drug use/addiction can be well-treated over time). My experience is that most adopted children do not choose drug addiction to deal with the pain of life. They have other issues that they explore in interesting and often alarming ways, but your honesty and education can do a lot to prevent addiction becoming a reality. Don't put down the birth parent for her choices, whatever they were. She is the birth mother of your child and your family will do best to honor her than critique her for her choices that likely had more to do with the trials of abuse and/or poverty than anything else. She gave birth to the child you parent, and birth is a wonderful thing. And dadfor2, you are so right. We all worry, and probably shouldn't as much as we do. Best wishes,

Graham.

[Howdy]

Pete,

From what I've read (so far no real life experience, still awaiting the homestudy), it shouldn't be an "if" she finds out. I read a good book (whose name I don't remember, sorry!) about how to tell difficult things to adopted children, and it dealt with what is appropriate to tell at each age, and discussed ways to talk about it if the child was the product of incest, mother was a prostitute, was raped, etc. I think the book emphasized that no matter how bad the parents think the issue is, the child needs to know it before they reach puberty. I forget specifics, but for instance about rape it might have recommended that to a young child say something like the bmom and bdad were not in love, and then a few years later explain it that they were not friends or even acquaintences, and then a few yrs later (but before puberty) explain that the bmom was raped.

Originally posted by ProudPapa
...if/when she finds out ....

[dadfor2]

pete,

i agree with the last couple of posts. I would strongly suggest on getting books on adoptions, alot of them go through on how to tell your child about adoption.

my child is in therapy (age 5), and hopefully will remain in therapy, when we finally get his brother, we will be putting him in therapy also.

i can never take away the pain my child went through, as much as i want to. Its his pain, his past, and his alone and yes, i do believe this will impact him as he gets older. as everything will impact him, also the love we have for him, will also impact him. but he will have to deal with issues. I cant hide it from him or protect him from it.......but i can support and be there when he needs me.

dadfor2

[sweetnoodle]

I have some advice too, if I may. Don't ever be naieve (this goes for all parents). Keep your eyes open and communicate. It doesn't really matter how old they get or how much you want to trust them; there is nothing wrong with holding your kids accountable. Also, just because birthparents were a particular way, don't ever project that off on your children, necessarily. They were already born with a certain bent towards temperment and personality.

Lastly, as the doctor told my dad when he adopted twins; try to relax and don't worry (then he promptly gave him a Rx for a tranquilzer!).

[Barksum]

You've received great advice from all the posters. Thanks especially to Graham for sharing.

We have two adopted sons, from two seperate families. There are similarities between the two families, but they each have distinct differences. One son is not yet verbal, so we really only discuss adoption with our older son who is now 4.5 years old. However, we began talking about adoption with him when he was pre-verbal, as we do with our younger son, and have kept talking about adoption and each child's adoption in particular on a regular basis.

What we have told our 4.5 year old is roughly this:

"You were in your birth mom's tummy and were born to her. Your birth mom was not able to parent any children. She had problems that made it hard for her to make good decisions. You went to live with your foster family while your birth mom worked on her problem areas. Your birth mom came to realize that she would not be able to overcome her problems and she decided for you to be adopted by a family who could do for you all the things that she is not able to do. So you stayed with your foster family until you came to live with us."

At age 4 this is all the info he needs or has asked for. I don't word things quite the way I wrote them down above, but it's the general idea. We've discussed the areas that concern him and allayed any fears or concerns he's expressed. We've really stressed that his bio mother was "unable to care for ANY child", because we don't want our son to worry that he was a problem or caused his bio mother to be unable to function as a parent.

We do not believe that our sons are "doomed by genetics" to follow the same paths that their bio parents have tragically trod. Part of our goal in being adoptive and foster parents is to help break the patterns that lead to such tragedy. Both of our sons were prenatally exposed to drugs and alcohol. I do not believe that this early medical history will "doom" them to being alcoholic or drug addicted, either. (I know, I fly in the face of many health professionals, but this is MY opinion.)

Growing up in homes where drug abuse is discussed but NOT engaged in is a huge step toward keeping children from becoming addicts. Seeing their parents be able to resolve conflicts via methods other than domestic violence also gives children a positive model to follow. Having parents who are able to parent because they are not alcoholics or drug addicts goes a long way toward helping children to make good and healthy decisions.

We have chosen to be very open to any discussion our sons may wish to have concerning their bio families. We talk about how they came to our family in happy and positive ways now so that when they do start to realize the heartbreak and trauma that surrounded their early lives they will have a foundation of love, trust and happiness on which to stand while they delve into these difficult areas of their lives. We believe that by giving them information early on it will help them to have a gradual, age appropriate and less traumatic understanding of their own personal histories. When those difficult questions and answers do come our hope is that the additional information is not a shock but a further understanding of things they've already been introduced to.