[bzymomof4]

I saw the heading to this board "a social wkr & therapist pt of view" - boy is that what I'm looking for! Iam so ashamed of what I am going to say I can barely write it. It took me 2 1/2 months just to utter it to my dh, and I found out he'd been wanting to talk to me about the same thing.
What if things just get too crazy & you can't hack it? I am fighting just to get out of bed every morning. I am in tears every day and each night I just pray this will all go away. My husband is about to lose his job, We try to tell our SW things are really too stressful, but she just passes it off as just normal. We have 2 adopted kids age almost 4 & a 3 mo (not final till end of mar) from one sibling group (private adoption). and two foster to adopt ages 3 yrs and an 18 mo old from another sib group. 3 are moderately to severly drug affected, our youngest tested + at birth but birthmom was incarcerated for bulk of pregnancy, & she is not exibiting any challenges.
The foster kids were supposed to be legally free a yr ago when they came to live w/ us. But we were told 3 mo ago that they will get another YEAR! I am so tired. I am exhausted. I missed a dr's appt - I don't even remember making this appt, (kids are all utd on their wel baby shots etc) but I got a call from our SW wondering why & informing me that dr's office retained old fm's info as well as mine. There is so much "checking up", "re -certifications", OT and ST appts, assessments, specialists, driving to & from special ed preschools, paperwk, in service training, home visits every month! I can't handle it! I am just so nervous all the time. It takes all I have just to feed, bath, dress, and get them to the places I am required to take them.
I know they need so much more than I am providing - our eldest is slipping back into old behavior patterns and my dh is never home any more as he is just trying to keep his head above water at his job.
My mom now has cancer and is unable to help - we used respite 1 time (during my mom's surgery) and it drove the kids crazy! It was a month before they calmed back down - & they were only there for 1 day! I can't do this. It's not good for them & I know this is killing us. I hate myself right now, but things can't stay this way. I'm not sleeping well anymore, I m feeling isolated. None of my friends can relate - and I feel like my SW just wants to put a patch on it & say it'll get better. But I know it wont! HELP!

[lucyjoy]

If you want some or all of the children removed from your home, give the social worker a deadline of one to two weeks to pick them up. Tell her that while you appreciate her attemps, you do not feel that with this many children in your home, that you are able to care for them all as needed. This is what you are suppose to do if you are fostering and feel overwhelmed.

You may also want to see your own doctor as stress and hormone changes and can causeyou to feel nuts. I had four special needs boys at once and a year into their placements, I started thinking I was nuts. I ended up doing some therapy with the children's therapists that allowed me an outlet to vent my frustrations without judgement. This left my mind freer to parent my children.

You should not feel guilty about being overwhelmed. You have a lot to deal with. As for respite, it does throw the kids off, but the break is still nice.

[EL1]

Listen to lovejoy hon. Sounds like your plate is too full and you can't cram anymore where there isn't room for more.
Fostering can be very taxing at times. Especially when there is no respite. SW's mean well as we know there is a shortage of homes for placements. But they aren't the ones who's homes, hands, days lives, etc are full. They don't take the kids on in their homes. My husband and I found we had to be firm with them and stand our ground at times. We are only capable of handling so much. I do not know what it is like in your state, but maybe you can team up with another foster parent in some of the errands and running you have to do. Also, I have at times had to call the SW and "tell" her she needed to get someone to do some of the Dr. Appts if my schedule was full. The bad thing about where I am is that some of the Dr's they wanted our kids to see were over 4 hours away. Stop feeling guilty. Sounds like you've bitten off a bit more than you can chew. Don't let them bully you into anything. Get some rest, and learn to say NO!
by the way..SW's respond to deadlines. There's no sin in having children removed and placed elsewhere if need be. You have to weight what is best for "your" children, your family in general and your emotional and physical well-being.

Blessings
EL

[lambeausam]

I agree with lucyjoy - see your doctor. I'm not a degree-toting MD, but it sounds like you're a candidate for post-partum. Yes, adoptive parents can experience this, too. Find a trusted neighbor or church member to watch your angels and get out of the house for at least four hours! Don't think - I can't do that to them. Think - I have to do this for myself foremost, but also for my husband and children.

I am a single parent of two boys - 7 and 3. I used to feel guilty about getting a sitter for an evening out when they had already spent 40 hours in daycare that week. Then I realized that I will only miss an hour of time with them if I leave at 7pm (bedtime's at 8) and that investment benefitted all of us. I try to get out one night a month - usually for a movie that is not rated G!

You can do it!

[sweetnoodle]

Don't feel guilty! You are trying to do too much, and you are depressed. First, you have to deal with yourself, and take care of yourself. Your husband is doing the best he can too. You are not superwoman. The first two kids you need to take care of our yours. The other foster children need help you can't give them right now. Call the social worker and tell her to come get them. Please don't feel guilty about this. It sounds to be like you are being taken advantage of by the SW because you are a compassionate, giving family. In the end, you will have not helped these kids at all.

[JENNI]

I agree. You have so much going on. It's hard enough having a sick mother, put all your special needs children, and not much support on top and your bound to end up depressed.
I know it will feel aweful for you to re-place a few of the children, but you'll feel better afterwards. Give yourself some breathing room. Take it from another burned out, "wanna-be super mom" you CAN'T do it all!

[reneetaylor]

Girl you need a break! I had post-partum depression after my daughter was adopted and so I know first hand that you don't need to physically give birth to a child in order to have hormonal changes. Please please please get some help for yourself so that you don't do something harmful to the children. Not saying that you would, but you never know until it is too late and you are snapping under the pressure.

I agree with the other poster who said that you have a responsibility to the two children you have already adopted, so tell the SW to pick up the two you are fostering and just try to devote your energies where they belong...at home with your 3 yr old, 3 month old, and your husband! It does sound like you have tried too hard to be Superwoman and you have to start slowly. Try it out with just your two children for a while and see how much better things get. If after a period of time you want to start fostering again, then I would suggest starting out with one child at a time.

Please, find some time for yourself and for your husband and remember what it is supposed to be like to be a family.

Renee

[cherylyoung]

i am a mother of 8 children. 5 still at home. i have a 2yr.old grandson stuck in the foster system. they won't let me have him cuz they "think" my hands are full! i always have room for 1 more especially my adorable sweet grandson who i want more than as if i gave him birth myself. what the socisl workers today just don't get that All people are not made from the same old cookie cutter. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with speaking up and telling them "as much as i want to see this through i am no longer able or capable of this responsiblity any longer "tell them to relieve you imediately! i surely wouldn't want my grandchild in this situation. get help quick please for the well being of the children. may god reward you for all your love and care and wonderful intentions. you are to be commended for seeing that we all have limits there is no such thing as a supermom. just great mom's who know what is really best for each child.

[Just Julie]

I agree that you need to release the two foster kids, as heartbreaking as that may be. Consider that it is in God's plan for you to have been a temporary refuge for them while their true adoptive family was being readied. Send them off each with photos and a blessing and a willingness to correspond with them as long as they each need to be reasured by you. The younger may never contact you, but the older may want to talk on the phone or dictate a letter to new foster/adopt parent. Bless your heart. You have kept them out of harm's way, but now it is time for someone else to carry on. Mom, hubby, and your own two little angels need you.

[LotAkids]

cherylyoung-
I'm confused about your situation. You are a foster parent (which would also allow you to adopt) and you have a grandson in foster care. If they think you have your hands full, can't they place one or more or whatever of your foster kids in different homes so that you would have room or "the ability" (according to them) to adopt him? That doesn't make sense to me.

[cherylyoung]

i am not a foster mom, sorry i did not make that clearer in my post.

[LotAkids]

cheryl-
I'm sorry for assuming that!

[hippiechick]

The bottom line--you need to tell the social worker that you need your foster kids moved--and yes, give her a definite deadline, so she can't drag her feet. If she gives you any problem with it at all, call her supervisor. If the supervisor won't listen, either go up the chain of command (CPS offices usually have social workers, then supervisors, then office managers, then area administrators, then head of CPS/DCFS/DFS, then the governor...)

As a foster parent, you are NEVER obligated to take children into your home.

Draw those boundaries so you can focus on your adopted children you aleady have.

-Hippiechick,
bmom of 2, placed in 11/01
social worker who works with foster children

[nork1254]

I'm a foster parent in MN with a private agency. Our policy is we can give a 30-day termination notice on a placement/s. An exception would be if the child is displaying at-risk behavior. In which case notice is not required.

Becky

[nursie]

Sonworshipers ,
How did things turn out with your Foster children? I was going to post this but realized this was posted last Feb. Let me know how things worked out.:
Take care of yourself.
I am a Foster Parent and several of my fellow foster parents, at least 3 that I know of , have requested removal of children from their homes due to personal reasons such as : already have 4 bio children and can't handle having a 5th for more than a few weeks, physical hormonal changes & feeling as if she needs a break and wouldn't be the attentive parent the children need at this point, and one had a 3 yr old bio son adversely affected by the foster children in the home.
You are certainly taking on more than can be expected of anyone emotionally and physically. My foster friends didn't feel enormous guilt as they knew it was best for the children as well as themselves. That is how you need to look at the situation.
Your foster children need to be placed in a home that will be able to meet their needs without having an overwhelmed , distressed person trying to survive the day. And you deserve to dedicate your time and energy to your existing family: 2 adopted children, husband, mom, and most importantly to yourself.
If you don't recharge your batteries it is difficult to help others.
Have the children removed knowing it is best for them also. Be persistent and firm about the removal and don't have regrets.
I will pray for your family and for peace of mind in your decision.
God Bless