[soosiwrk]

First time writing here, but I have been reading since I took legal custody of my second cousin. He is 6 years old, has been with me since April. He was removed from the home N-Docket, neglect. His mother is an admitted drug addict, prostitiute, dealer, ect and had her rights to see him revoked by the judge. So, she hasnt seen or spoken to him in 8mos. Everyone has done everything possible to get her into treatment, and she promises the world but hasnt done it. Now, we are going to a permanency hearing on Dec 1. The social worker went to track her down and found her seemingly sober and trying to do the right thing (Although everyone has heard and seen this same story for eight months) She SAYS she is going to treatment 3x a week but no one has proof of that. She SAYS she took one drug test that came up positive for cocaine/marijuana and will do another drug test to show the judge she is clean now. She is also bipolar. My problem, question, is....can she get supervised visits or any kind of visits back if she just shows ONE clean drug test??? No psych testing, no parenting classes, nothing else. She is homeless, living with a friend right now but I hear she is out for days at a time still. I am so afraid that she will get visits too soon. I am also afraid she will be happy with just having visits, therefore we can keep him and take care of him, but she can still be the mom. She has had a long history of mental illness, since she was a teen..she is 41 now.


I just have a bad feeling now. The social worker has been fantastic with us until now. She said the birthmother "resurfaced", she didnt resurface, she was tracked down! Does anyone have any advice on what I can expect at this perm. hearing? How long does a parent have to be gone to be considered abandonment? Her entire family and the father's family do not want her to have him back..they say she was a terrible mother even before drugs. I just want what is best for the child. He loves his mother of course, and if she does the right thing, reuniting them would be the best for him.He also really loves us and considers us his family right now. This poor kid has been through hell. I just want more time clean and more help before giving visits.

One more thing, sorry this is so long. The social worker brought a box of "stuff"(Card, candy) from the birth mother to give to him. I am very reluctant to do this. He is very happy right now, he came here with so many serious emotional and physical problems and I feel if I give it to him and she doesnt do the right thing, he will be devastated all over. Anyone have any feelings on this?

I knew I would love this boy when he came here, I had only met him 2x before taking custody. The thing is, I didnt know HOW MUCH I would love him. My daughters adore him and are going to be devastated by all of this if he is not put in the best situation. Again, if I thought she was clean for a while and getting all the help she needs, we would absolutely support this, no matter how much it hurts. But one clean drug test and they get visits???

OK, thats it, there is so much more to this story , as there always is for everyone's case. I hope someone can enlighten me a little before I walk into court. I dont want to be blindsided.

[mom2behappy]

how long have you had the child? how long was he in care?

[soosiwrk]

he has been with me since April 23, he was removed for neglect on April 3rd. He was in foster care for those three weeks, no one from his family wanted to take him. As I said, I only met him 2x before taking legal custody in April.

[sunsetsky]

No answers ...
I am glad he is with family and has had a stable life for a good stretch of time with you and your girls. I would try not to worry. I know it is hard. In my state the parents can have visits even if they are currently using. I hope that they consider the child's mental health before giving visits.

[greenrobin]

As callous as this is going to sound, you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that visits will be reinstated.

The fact is that until termination is granted, the parents are the parents. Yep, you get the fallout, but that's still his mom.

Have you been to permanency before this? If not, just know that it's usually a hearing before the judge. The state says their piece, the family says theirs. Generally the judge orders status quo--especially when it's so early in the case and mom hasn't been working her plan or is doing minimal stuff.

The visits will be discussed. Some places want a clean drug test to conduct visits, some no. If they require clean tests, then yes, a single test is enough to get a visit that week. But then they have to produce a clean specimen again next time. If the parent ever shows up under the influence of a substance, the visit is cancelled.

No matter how much you hate it, she has a right to the visit if she meets the criteria. Be prepared for emotional issues from your little boy. Be as positive as you can about the visits--that's his mom, no matter what she did.

She may get help and turn it around and get her child back. She may continue to be out of control and lose her child. At 7 months into this, it only feels like a long time. Sorry about that. We're sitting at almost 14 months and still waiting on the termination trial. Our kids' mom is also an addict. She also disappeared for about 5 months. When she came back, visits started again. She's been hit and miss since August--before that we didn't know where she was from about February. And every time she resurfaces, we start visiting again.

Hang on. Be positive with your little boy. Post here to vent and seek advice. It helps to know you're not alone in this. Good luck.

[athikers]

You said you have custody? Not that he is your foster child but that you have legal custody? If that is the case... you have rights, use them! You may have the right to petition the court NOT to reinstate visitation. If you are his legal guardian, you have the right to speak on his behalf. Good luck!

[LeighM]

My guess is that the child is in state custody but in your home. So if that is the case I agree with other that there is a good chance this child will have visits or at least one if birthmom is clean. I know that you are the child's caregiver but just like fp we do not have control. It is horrible I know. But the best thing you can do is document if the child is having any problems once the visits start. Personally, I would send the cw an email updating how he is doing currently. So the cw has that in her file. If things change then you document the changes in the child.

Abandonment for a 6 year old is very different than an infant. Each state has their own guidelines so I would google abandonment and your state and see what you come up with.

As far as court - if birthmom shows up anything can happen. But the child will not leave you after just one clean UA. birthmom is going to have to prove herself and that she has been in treatment. No judge will take just her word. And she is going to have to explain why she was gone all this time.

I wish you luck. And remember one thing - if the cw thinks you are not cooperating they can remove the child from your home. So you need to be careful and not cross that line.

[soosiwrk]

Thanks for your reply. I hope they consider him too. I did give him the package she sent, it shook him up but I felt it was the right thing to do. Lets hope so. Thank you again.

[soosiwrk]

Greenrobin,
Thanks so much for your reply. It is helpful. I am so sorry you are going through this for so long. As far as being positive for him, I definately do that regularly. I did give him the package she sent. I reworded the card she sent (he cannot read yet), just so it didnt scare him(she said she was "getting better", and he has lost his grandparents, his main caregivers, within a year and then removed from her a few months later) Anyway, it did stir things up for him as expected but I do think it was the right thing to do. I think it helped him to know she is still thinking of him and loves him.

Will the Judge ask me any questions at this court date? If so, what kind of questions? Will he ask me to supervise the visits if supervised visits are required? I hope not. I will do whatever i need to do but I dont want it here. There are many reasons for that, suffice it to say, it is not a good idea.

I am preparing myself (and my daughters) for possible visits.

The sw said she was going to call the treatment center the mom said she is attending. If i were to call the sw to ask if the mom is actually going, is that being pushy? I just want to know if she is doing what she says she is doing. It might not make a bit of difference but it would make me feel so much better for his sake. He is such a special boy and deserves the best possible mother.

Ok, thank you again.

[soosiwrk]

Athikers and LeighM,

Thanks for the reply. I have what is called N-Docket custody. I am in NY. I have no idea what my rights are. At this point, if the mom really is doing the right thing, I am willing to support her 100%. I believe that is best for him. However, if down the line, she doesnt do what she needs to do, I will look into my rights as his n docket custodian. He really deserves the best. He is a gentle soul. I will take your advice and google today(thank god for google!). Do you happen to know if the judge will ask me any questions directly?

Thanks again

[ILfostermom]

I have already told someone this a few minutes ago. You need to have your own lawyer. My foster son has been with us for over two years, since he was born. He is also my nephiew. His birth father showed up after two years and was granted visitation and the opportunity to take him away from us.(long story!) We were completely blindsighted by all of it. The father died, so we will not lose our son, but we could have. You need a good lawyer to give you some advice about the laws. I was told abandonment was 3 months of not showing up, but is ultimately up to the judge. Basically a law is not a law because the courts can go around it if they want to. I am going through a very poor court system, so yours may be better. Don't give up!

[Hadley2]

I am a little surprised by the answers here but not completely so, they are just a little off what I would have expected.

As far as visits, they can be ordered any time during the case. If the judge stopped visits quite a long time ago and early in the case, it sounds as if he might set the bar a bit higher than many others. Still, he might reinstate them now just to offset any leverage at TPR appeal down the road.

In my experience, and the way it "should" work, the permanency hearing is the big turning point in the case. It is usually about 9 months in, and it is where the state presents its case plan for permanency. They will propose the same goal or a new goal with a plan and date to achieve it, a list of barriers to it, etc., and the judge will approve, disapprove, or change it. I think in NY the child is supposed to have permanency if at all possible within a year, but I could be mistaken. You would have to check state law.

Be aware of the whole custody (parents keep rights, including right to sue to get child back) vs. adoption (parents rights terminated by the state, child free for adoption) issue relatives sometimes face. Some agencies don't want to spend the time and money to actually terminate parental rights and will offer legal guardianship to relatives instead. Talk to YOUR OWN lawyer (even if a free consult) on that one before proceeding--when you do this you are simply trading places with the state and may have to continue dealing with the parents in court for a long time--private terminations are very difficult and can be terribly expensive.

Best hopes for this little boy and his future.

[millie58]

In NY, if a birth parent shows any interest in the child and is trying, his/her rights will be considered. There will probably be supervised visits. What the story with birth dad? Are his rights terminated? Something else I found out was if birth parent's only issue was housing, there would be no TPR.

Originally Posted by Hadley2

I am a little surprised by the answers here but not completely so, they are just a little off what I would have expected.

As far as visits, they can be ordered any time during the case. If the judge stopped visits quite a long time ago and early in the case, it sounds as if he might set the bar a bit higher than many others. Still, he might reinstate them now just to offset any leverage at TPR appeal down the road.

In my experience, and the way it "should" work, the permanency hearing is the big turning point in the case. It is usually about 9 months in, and it is where the state presents its case plan for permanency. They will propose the same goal or a new goal with a plan and date to achieve it, a list of barriers to it, etc., and the judge will approve, disapprove, or change it. I think in NY the child is supposed to have permanency if at all possible within a year, but I could be mistaken. You would have to check state law.

Be aware of the whole custody (parents keep rights, including right to sue to get child back) vs. adoption (parents rights terminated by the state, child free for adoption) issue relatives sometimes face. Some agencies don't want to spend the time and money to actually terminate parental rights and will offer legal guardianship to relatives instead. Talk to YOUR OWN lawyer (even if a free consult) on that one before proceeding--when you do this you are simply trading places with the state and may have to continue dealing with the parents in court for a long time--private terminations are very difficult and can be terribly expensive.

Best hopes for this little boy and his future.

[soosiwrk]

Thanks for the response,

It has been ten months and no contact at all from the mom. From what I hear, she stays clean for a while, then uses again. I really don't know what she is doing at this point. The dad is my cousin and is very ill. He calls every day and tries to see his son whenever he can (supervised by me).
I have a court date for the end of April and the judge said we will talk about permanency then. That will be a little over a year since he was removed from teh home.
The longer this goes on, the harder it is. This child is terrified of leaving and terrified of never seeing his mom again. I am looking into counseling for him now. There were just so many other issues to handle with him that unfortunately, counseling wasnt a first priority.

Thanks again for the advice. I have definately listened and it is helpful.