[QuietTruth]

I am new and think I posted this under the wrong area. I need some advice because this process is just not fast enough for me. It is truly, truly a test of patience. For those of you that deal with this successfully on a regular basis, I commend you.

We are going to court on Thursday for a Change of Custody for a little girl that just turned two last week. This child is the great niece to the uncle relative custodian and is my first cousin twice removed, according to the supervisor case worker. There's more to this case than I want to write at this time, but for the sake of discussion, here's some info so I can get some advice.

The little girl has already been in our home for the past 7 weeks for 5 days a week, 24 hours at a time. The other two days, she's been going to the custodians who want to give her up, but they wanted to keep the WIC and stipend and me on a short chain. I have done all the work for the sake of the child and had cow towed to their whims and whams just so I could get her out of that pathetic place.

I am hoping that after court on Thursday, all of this struggle will be over; but I am sure this is not going to be peaceful because of the ignorance of the present custodians.

WHAT is the struggle, besides over money? (I'm not struggling, they are p.o.'d that I got the judge's ear and he expedited a hearing to change custody. I took the letter they signed and another I wrote to his office on September 29, 2008; he immediately named us as relative caregivers even before we went to court, we had the case reopened in court two weeks later, I had a home study within 4 days and all has been approved, and we go to court to officially do the change of custody on October 30, 2008.) The present custodians were not planning on us going to court until next June at the earliest and were even telling me that they were going to claim her on next year's taxes because if we didn't go to court until June '09, then she wouldn't officially be with us for the necessary 7 months to claim her on our taxes. Sigh. Anyway,...

Here's my itch. Present custodian called me yesterday to tell me to have the child and ALL of her clothes ready to be picked up this morning because she decided that she was keeping her until court on Thursday. One of the reasons we have had her was BECAUSE she was WILD with them. She could not control her, she fought, spit, bit, hit, ran crazy, would throw up on this woman and just hated being around the woman caregiver. (There is more to this story, but I'll stop here.) The woman STILL gives cough syrup to this child which makes her so drowsy to calm her down. This beautiful child is nothing like this around our family! So, she's going to have her for five days.

I called the case worker because there are other issues, too, and he said it was up to me. I could tell her to do the two days then bring her home or just let her go. I said to her very gently and concerned that I hoped that 'the child' was not going to be so confused with staying with them so long, since we had worked so well together to get her used to being her so this would be a smooth transition to our home. She said, "Well, this is just like a divorce custody case. We're all relatives and we've decided that we're not giving up custody unless we do it like this. She's just going to have to get use to coming with us anyway. THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE A DIVORCE. We're going to get it in writing or we're not going for it. Do you understand? WE are the custodians and we call the shots." or something very close to that.

I told her that was true until Thursday, however, the judge named us as relative care givers and she was to be here to sleep. So, our arrangements were that she could sleep at her house two nights, but I expect her to be home on Monday night. And I asked her to be sensitive to the child's non verbal behavior and if she started acting out negatively, to please bring her home. I held my tongue and didn't say "don't drug her like you normally do". I hate this. I really do!

I am an adoptive mom. I've never dealt with a situation like this. The grandmother of this child is dying and she begged me to "get the baby". The grandmother WANTED ME TO GET THIS BABY from this woman! She told me that once I met her, then I'd understand. I never knew about this little girl before August 5th. The people that have her now got her when she was 10 months old. She was put into foster care from birth. The foster parents wanted to adopt her but they did not know who the father was, who then turned out to be my cousin's son, who was in prison. When the father found out he had a little girl, he called his mother who was very sick in the hospital, who then called on her aging brother who took in this little girl for the past 15 months. This little girl has been sleeping with this 59 year old man and his wife and seen a lot and has been acting it out since she's been at my house. I AM SICK. I've told the social worker and her doctor.... and we have all decided to try to wait this out one more week. They left it up to me because I am the one with the evidence and photos of neglect from the WOMAN caretaker when her husband was out of town. You can all imagine the situation that I am in. THIS WILL TEAR TWO FAMILIES APART and there is NO telling what could happen in that marriage. The present relative care custodian husband uncle ADORES this little girl and is the one that wanted to take her, the wife didn't. There is no telling what he would do to the wife if he saw my photos. My husband said I should just not do anything this time... since we're so close to it being over. But I'm not so sure it will be over. There's more trouble to come unless I get advice or help.

So, WHAT DO I DO? The present custodians call themselves 'grandparent' names because they have a grandchild already living with them and this little girl coming to us uses that name. They have portrayed to the court that they just want to remain grandparents and have WRITTEN grandparent visitation rights EVEN if we adopt. I say BS. So does my husband. These people were distant relatives for a REASON.

These people have no idea about bonding issues nor put the needs of this child first. I have clear evidence of neglect, too. With a family member dying, I am really in a Catch 22 here. I'm ****ed if I do and ****ed if I don't. The pediatrician and social worker both know it's a lot of ignorance, greed, apathy, pride, and power we're dealing with. Add stupidity and you almost have the picture.

How do you deal with stupid? How do you deal with visitation with former foster care situation? THEY WANT ALL HOLIDAYS, OVERNIGHTS OF TWICE A WEEK.

I don't want her to feel abandoned by them. She does not cry for them at all. She NEVER, EVER calls for them. If she ever says that she loves so and so, I say, "and so and so loves you, too!". I always reaffirm the affection she feels for anyone.

I am so frustrated right now over how all of this is going.

I am not a spring chicken. I'm 49, and a mother of four 28, 23, 16, 15. My husband is already having a cow over us taking this little girl, but I feel called to take her. I' believe we are to have her. Your advice is deeply appreciated.

[myangels]

If you have Proof this little one has been abused you HAVE to speak up. That's the first thing that comes to mind. yes I know it can tear a family apart however it has to be done

[melissa_bear003]

Call me harsh, but my only concern would be for the child, not the adults in the situation. Their marriage, etc really doesn't rate concern for me, the child does. Adults have choices. Children don't.

[MamaS]

The family member will die -- but the child has a long life to lead.
The husband may be shocked and disappointed at the treatment his wife gave a child he loved -- but the child was the one subjected to abuse.
Calling themselves "grandparents" does not make them "grandparents".
If you are going to be the child's parents/guardians, then you must protect the child from all harm, including the harm of a toxic family. If other family members do not understand, then make them "distant" relatives!

[waited2long]

You also must think of other children. Didn't you say another child lives with the woman who you believe is abusing this child? Report it.

[hermommy]

Im sorry for your situation. However, if you are going through the foster system you are a MANDATED REPORTER. You have no choice but to report this. If a few months down the road the cw finds out that you knew about the abuse, had pictures of and you did not report it they can take that little girl from your home. I was told in my pride classes that they look at knowing about abuse and not reported it just as bad as the ones doing it to the children.

That child deserves for the truth to be out. Whether it destroy a family or not. She deserves justice for the abuse put upon her, and she deserves to know that it was not passed over to keep things calm in the family. It will most likely affect that child whether it be now or later. Child abuse is unacceptable in any form, whether it be verbal, physical, or neglect. I commend you for trying to keep her from them. But please stand up for that child and let her have her justice, report that abuse. You have NO obligations to the "grandparents". You do to that child.

I hope this did not come off like I am being rude or that you are not already doing so much for her. Through you post I can tell that you love this child and want what is best for her. Best of luck to you and your family.

[ILfostermom]

Originally Posted by QuietTruth

I am new and think I posted this under the wrong area. I need some advice because this process is just not fast enough for me. It is truly, truly a test of patience. For those of you that deal with this successfully on a regular basis, I commend you.

We are going to court on Thursday for a Change of Custody for a little girl that just turned two last week. This child is the great niece to the uncle relative custodian and is my first cousin twice removed, according to the supervisor case worker. There's more to this case than I want to write at this time, but for the sake of discussion, here's some info so I can get some advice.

The little girl has already been in our home for the past 7 weeks for 5 days a week, 24 hours at a time. The other two days, she's been going to the custodians who want to give her up, but they wanted to keep the WIC and stipend and me on a short chain. I have done all the work for the sake of the child and had cow towed to their whims and whams just so I could get her out of that pathetic place.

I am hoping that after court on Thursday, all of this struggle will be over; but I am sure this is not going to be peaceful because of the ignorance of the present custodians.

WHAT is the struggle, besides over money? (I'm not struggling, they are p.o.'d that I got the judge's ear and he expedited a hearing to change custody. I took the letter they signed and another I wrote to his office on September 29, 2008; he immediately named us as relative caregivers even before we went to court, we had the case reopened in court two weeks later, I had a home study within 4 days and all has been approved, and we go to court to officially do the change of custody on October 30, 2008.) The present custodians were not planning on us going to court until next June at the earliest and were even telling me that they were going to claim her on next year's taxes because if we didn't go to court until June '09, then she wouldn't officially be with us for the necessary 7 months to claim her on our taxes. Sigh. Anyway,...

Here's my itch. Present custodian called me yesterday to tell me to have the child and ALL of her clothes ready to be picked up this morning because she decided that she was keeping her until court on Thursday. One of the reasons we have had her was BECAUSE she was WILD with them. She could not control her, she fought, spit, bit, hit, ran crazy, would throw up on this woman and just hated being around the woman caregiver. (There is more to this story, but I'll stop here.) The woman STILL gives cough syrup to this child which makes her so drowsy to calm her down. This beautiful child is nothing like this around our family! So, she's going to have her for five days.

I called the case worker because there are other issues, too, and he said it was up to me. I could tell her to do the two days then bring her home or just let her go. I said to her very gently and concerned that I hoped that 'the child' was not going to be so confused with staying with them so long, since we had worked so well together to get her used to being her so this would be a smooth transition to our home. She said, "Well, this is just like a divorce custody case. We're all relatives and we've decided that we're not giving up custody unless we do it like this. She's just going to have to get use to coming with us anyway. THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE A DIVORCE. We're going to get it in writing or we're not going for it. Do you understand? WE are the custodians and we call the shots." or something very close to that.

I told her that was true until Thursday, however, the judge named us as relative care givers and she was to be here to sleep. So, our arrangements were that she could sleep at her house two nights, but I expect her to be home on Monday night. And I asked her to be sensitive to the child's non verbal behavior and if she started acting out negatively, to please bring her home. I held my tongue and didn't say "don't drug her like you normally do". I hate this. I really do!

I am an adoptive mom. I've never dealt with a situation like this. The grandmother of this child is dying and she begged me to "get the baby". The grandmother WANTED ME TO GET THIS BABY from this woman! She told me that once I met her, then I'd understand. I never knew about this little girl before August 5th. The people that have her now got her when she was 10 months old. She was put into foster care from birth. The foster parents wanted to adopt her but they did not know who the father was, who then turned out to be my cousin's son, who was in prison. When the father found out he had a little girl, he called his mother who was very sick in the hospital, who then called on her aging brother who took in this little girl for the past 15 months. This little girl has been sleeping with this 59 year old man and his wife and seen a lot and has been acting it out since she's been at my house. I AM SICK. I've told the social worker and her doctor.... and we have all decided to try to wait this out one more week. They left it up to me because I am the one with the evidence and photos of neglect from the WOMAN caretaker when her husband was out of town. You can all imagine the situation that I am in. THIS WILL TEAR TWO FAMILIES APART and there is NO telling what could happen in that marriage. The present relative care custodian husband uncle ADORES this little girl and is the one that wanted to take her, the wife didn't. There is no telling what he would do to the wife if he saw my photos. My husband said I should just not do anything this time... since we're so close to it being over. But I'm not so sure it will be over. There's more trouble to come unless I get advice or help.

So, WHAT DO I DO? The present custodians call themselves 'grandparent' names because they have a grandchild already living with them and this little girl coming to us uses that name. They have portrayed to the court that they just want to remain grandparents and have WRITTEN grandparent visitation rights EVEN if we adopt. I say BS. So does my husband. These people were distant relatives for a REASON.

These people have no idea about bonding issues nor put the needs of this child first. I have clear evidence of neglect, too. With a family member dying, I am really in a Catch 22 here. I'm ****ed if I do and ****ed if I don't. The pediatrician and social worker both know it's a lot of ignorance, greed, apathy, pride, and power we're dealing with. Add stupidity and you almost have the picture.

How do you deal with stupid? How do you deal with visitation with former foster care situation? THEY WANT ALL HOLIDAYS, OVERNIGHTS OF TWICE A WEEK.

I don't want her to feel abandoned by them. She does not cry for them at all. She NEVER, EVER calls for them. If she ever says that she loves so and so, I say, "and so and so loves you, too!". I always reaffirm the affection she feels for anyone.

I am so frustrated right now over how all of this is going.

I am not a spring chicken. I'm 49, and a mother of four 28, 23, 16, 15. My husband is already having a cow over us taking this little girl, but I feel called to take her. I' believe we are to have her. Your advice is deeply appreciated.

Romans 4 20 says that god will not go back on his promises. if you feel that the little girl is promised to you, dont lose hope. I have been fighting for 2 and a half years for my nephiew. it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I know what you are going through because I am going through it myself. Dont give up. She is worth it. She needs you.

[ILfostermom]

Originally Posted by QuietTruth

I am new and think I posted this under the wrong area. I need some advice because this process is just not fast enough for me. It is truly, truly a test of patience. For those of you that deal with this successfully on a regular basis, I commend you.

We are going to court on Thursday for a Change of Custody for a little girl that just turned two last week. This child is the great niece to the uncle relative custodian and is my first cousin twice removed, according to the supervisor case worker. There's more to this case than I want to write at this time, but for the sake of discussion, here's some info so I can get some advice.

The little girl has already been in our home for the past 7 weeks for 5 days a week, 24 hours at a time. The other two days, she's been going to the custodians who want to give her up, but they wanted to keep the WIC and stipend and me on a short chain. I have done all the work for the sake of the child and had cow towed to their whims and whams just so I could get her out of that pathetic place.

I am hoping that after court on Thursday, all of this struggle will be over; but I am sure this is not going to be peaceful because of the ignorance of the present custodians.

WHAT is the struggle, besides over money? (I'm not struggling, they are p.o.'d that I got the judge's ear and he expedited a hearing to change custody. I took the letter they signed and another I wrote to his office on September 29, 2008; he immediately named us as relative caregivers even before we went to court, we had the case reopened in court two weeks later, I had a home study within 4 days and all has been approved, and we go to court to officially do the change of custody on October 30, 2008.) The present custodians were not planning on us going to court until next June at the earliest and were even telling me that they were going to claim her on next year's taxes because if we didn't go to court until June '09, then she wouldn't officially be with us for the necessary 7 months to claim her on our taxes. Sigh. Anyway,...

Here's my itch. Present custodian called me yesterday to tell me to have the child and ALL of her clothes ready to be picked up this morning because she decided that she was keeping her until court on Thursday. One of the reasons we have had her was BECAUSE she was WILD with them. She could not control her, she fought, spit, bit, hit, ran crazy, would throw up on this woman and just hated being around the woman caregiver. (There is more to this story, but I'll stop here.) The woman STILL gives cough syrup to this child which makes her so drowsy to calm her down. This beautiful child is nothing like this around our family! So, she's going to have her for five days.

I called the case worker because there are other issues, too, and he said it was up to me. I could tell her to do the two days then bring her home or just let her go. I said to her very gently and concerned that I hoped that 'the child' was not going to be so confused with staying with them so long, since we had worked so well together to get her used to being her so this would be a smooth transition to our home. She said, "Well, this is just like a divorce custody case. We're all relatives and we've decided that we're not giving up custody unless we do it like this. She's just going to have to get use to coming with us anyway. THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE A DIVORCE. We're going to get it in writing or we're not going for it. Do you understand? WE are the custodians and we call the shots." or something very close to that.

I told her that was true until Thursday, however, the judge named us as relative care givers and she was to be here to sleep. So, our arrangements were that she could sleep at her house two nights, but I expect her to be home on Monday night. And I asked her to be sensitive to the child's non verbal behavior and if she started acting out negatively, to please bring her home. I held my tongue and didn't say "don't drug her like you normally do". I hate this. I really do!

I am an adoptive mom. I've never dealt with a situation like this. The grandmother of this child is dying and she begged me to "get the baby". The grandmother WANTED ME TO GET THIS BABY from this woman! She told me that once I met her, then I'd understand. I never knew about this little girl before August 5th. The people that have her now got her when she was 10 months old. She was put into foster care from birth. The foster parents wanted to adopt her but they did not know who the father was, who then turned out to be my cousin's son, who was in prison. When the father found out he had a little girl, he called his mother who was very sick in the hospital, who then called on her aging brother who took in this little girl for the past 15 months. This little girl has been sleeping with this 59 year old man and his wife and seen a lot and has been acting it out since she's been at my house. I AM SICK. I've told the social worker and her doctor.... and we have all decided to try to wait this out one more week. They left it up to me because I am the one with the evidence and photos of neglect from the WOMAN caretaker when her husband was out of town. You can all imagine the situation that I am in. THIS WILL TEAR TWO FAMILIES APART and there is NO telling what could happen in that marriage. The present relative care custodian husband uncle ADORES this little girl and is the one that wanted to take her, the wife didn't. There is no telling what he would do to the wife if he saw my photos. My husband said I should just not do anything this time... since we're so close to it being over. But I'm not so sure it will be over. There's more trouble to come unless I get advice or help.

So, WHAT DO I DO? The present custodians call themselves 'grandparent' names because they have a grandchild already living with them and this little girl coming to us uses that name. They have portrayed to the court that they just want to remain grandparents and have WRITTEN grandparent visitation rights EVEN if we adopt. I say BS. So does my husband. These people were distant relatives for a REASON.

These people have no idea about bonding issues nor put the needs of this child first. I have clear evidence of neglect, too. With a family member dying, I am really in a Catch 22 here. I'm ****ed if I do and ****ed if I don't. The pediatrician and social worker both know it's a lot of ignorance, greed, apathy, pride, and power we're dealing with. Add stupidity and you almost have the picture.

How do you deal with stupid? How do you deal with visitation with former foster care situation? THEY WANT ALL HOLIDAYS, OVERNIGHTS OF TWICE A WEEK.

I don't want her to feel abandoned by them. She does not cry for them at all. She NEVER, EVER calls for them. If she ever says that she loves so and so, I say, "and so and so loves you, too!". I always reaffirm the affection she feels for anyone.

I am so frustrated right now over how all of this is going.

I am not a spring chicken. I'm 49, and a mother of four 28, 23, 16, 15. My husband is already having a cow over us taking this little girl, but I feel called to take her. I' believe we are to have her. Your advice is deeply appreciated.

Romans 4 20 says that god will not go back on his promises. if you feel that the little girl is promised to you, don't lose hope. I have been fighting for 2 and a half years for my nephew. it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I know what you are going through because I am going through it myself. Don't give up. She is worth it. She needs you.

[QuietTruth]

Originally Posted by ILfostermom

Romans 4 20 says that god will not go back on his promises. if you feel that the little girl is promised to you, don't lose hope. I have been fighting for 2 and a half years for my nephew. it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I know what you are going through because I am going through it myself. Don't give up. She is worth it. She needs you.

ILFosterMom, thank you. I needed encouragement today. All in all, we have been to court four times since all of this began and we are now awaiting a decision from a judge.

I did call the child abuse hotline and a Guardian Ad Litum was appointed for the child. At the end of the day, the GAL, the social workers, the State of Florida haveall chosen my husband and I to parent this child over the present custodians. Since this is now a dependency case, and the present custodians did request a change of custody, they have now gotten the grandmother, whom I have not spoken with yet, because I have not wanted to upset her with the many horrible truths about what is really going on with this child and her brother and his wife, to now pay for an attorney to fight me in court. I did not know anything about any of this until we went to court on December 12, 2008. We are still awaiting the judge's decision. Their attorney found some mistatements in previous court documents that could help them, so the judge is going to have to deal with those statements, too.

Please, pray for us. The Lord knows who we are and knows our real names.

Thank you for the encouragement. I truly needed it today.

QuietTruth

[QuietTruth]

The child is still not in our care. The child is still with the first custodians since my "proof" of child abuse, though acknowledged true, was considered 2nd hand and not seen by the investigators. My proof were my photos and my daughter as a witness.