[MassachusettsMom]

We're still trying to come to grips with the reality of our pre-adoptive FS returning to his birthparents, and looking for any strands of hope to cling to...

Long story short: DSS went to TPR for our 18-month-old FS but lost. Judge said that DSS didn't meet their burden of proof. We're looking at a reunification w/in the next month. DSS is still saying that the BP's aren't fit, but they have to comply with the judge's order.

The BPs have a baby in the home (which had a supported 51A last month) and a teenager that has been with relatives that will also be returned. The BPs have a long history of substance abuse and domestic violence, although they have been able to hold it together (with lots of support from DSS) without getting arrested for almost a year. They have only worked parts of their service plan and DSS has evidence that they are still using. Apparently, though, the judge needed to see another arrest before she would TPR.

DSS has said that if they have to pull our FS again, he'll be placed back with us. And, to be honest, that's what we're hoping for these days.

Does anyone care to give us the odds on whether the BPs will be able to keep our FS or if he'll be back in our care within a few months? How long should we wait for him? Or are we, as I suspect we may be, just clinging to a fantasy?

[Biblemom]

I have no advise for you. Just wanted to say that I am sorry you and these children have been put in that situation. I will be praying for all.

[sunsetsky]

I feel so sad for you. I want to offer some support. The system doesn't seem to have any rhyme or reason. I think that why it called foster-adopt. I think the legal risk is not something they should try to predict. I would try to stay open for your child as long as your heart will allow. Your child is one lucky baby to have you in her life.

[cabbagepatchkid]

Hi MassachusettsMom...I'm in MA also. I have 2 foster children (girl age 7 and boy age 5) that are being returned to their birth mom sometime in the next month (I've had them since September) against the wishes of both their social worker and their therapist. The SW said that he really doesn't have a choice because the mom has done all of the things that she is supposed to do but he feels it still isn't a stable environment and that they won't be there long before they are pulled out again. They weren't foster-adopt so I wasn't expecting them to stay (in fact they were an emergency/over the weekend placement last fall...lol) but it still is discouraging to see the anxiety in the 7 yr old since she found out she is going home. She has a stomach ache all of the time and she is very "weepy", the smallest of things will make her cry. I can't get over the complete change in her personality. Good luck in your situation. I adopted a brother/sister who were going to be reunited with their mom but it fell through, so you never know, things may still work out for you.

[Bamamom07]

I think the key to the whole thing is "with lots of support from DSS"-- after the kids are returned, there will still be lots of support initially, but that will be weaned away probably over a couple of months. Then they will have to be parenting without having DSS do a lot of things for them. That's when the stress of really parenting will make them sink or swim. I had to give back my fs's brother who we had had only for the summer, because after nearly 4 years in the system, he finally had to be reunited. DSS doesn't believe at all mom will handle it, but they had to prove she can't to a judge AND an appeals court judge (90% of terminated parents appeal). They wanted to prove it before actually going through with TPR because they thought it would be worse on the kids to be TPR'd, appealed, then reunited if the appeals court judge didn't agree. We fell in love with the brother, and would love to adopt both boys and keep them together. So of course, we're hoping in a way mom doesn't handle it. But then I think, what if she CAN handle it now, my fs's brother has dreamed of RU with his mom for years (fantasizing she really does love him in spite of very little evidence). He really does need this opportunity with her one way or another. Anyway, we're really in a similar boat. Hang in there!

[MassachusettsMom]

It has been two months since our former FS was RUed. We've had no word from DCF as to how the family is doing. (Legally, they can't really tell us anything, I suppose.) We're in the process of updating our homestudy so we can be ready if our FS is pulled again... and so we can start thinking about a new match. We'd rather wait until we know for sure that our FS is going to remain with his BPs... but we might spend the rest of our lives (or at least the next 18 years) waiting.... Any advice on how to know when it is time to move on? (Although we'll ALWAYS have room in our hearts and home if our FS is pulled again.)

[EZ2Luv]

Sadly, whenever these situations happen the only ones that really suffer are these innocent children. I know we all hope for the best and that the bios will KEEP their act together, but seriously speaking the chances are quite slim. None of ould ever hope for a bio to fail, but most do on their own. Once the kids are back and the bios feel they are safe in that no one is breathing down their backs, they tend to become complacent and that is usually when this happens.

What you just decribed about the bios in your post could have been written about every client I have who had children removed from them
Unless the bios have a strong support system in place the chances of them getting into trouble or the returning to the old ways are 97%. That is only a 3% rate of success. I work with these type of people everyday and it is always the same story. Some of the bios are so convincing too when they tell you they are done and they really have changed. I do believe that they mean this too, it is just something that happens when their addiction speaks louder than common sense and they end up back to where they were.
I get really angry when I see kids returned when it is so very obvious that they wiull only end up back in fc. However, I know that a judge must be really certain that every "i" has been dotted and every "t" crossed and that the bios have exhausted every avenue of service and every chance of RU. TPR is a very big step even with the worst of bios and judges (especially in MA) may seem to be gioving lots of chances, but they want to make sure and make sure again before ruling. All this makes it harder on the children to have to keep reliving the same things over and over again.
It is also my experience that summer time things cool down as far as kids returning or being put into fc, now that Sept and back to school is here there are more people that will be aware of any bad situation going on with the bios.
All you can really do is keep your home available and pray that this time the bios stay on the straight path and that if they do mess up the kids are not having to live in that enviorment very long.

EZ

[sunsetsky]

As EZ touched on the Fall season abit. It does seem like Oct/Nov is a big time for children coming into care in my area. Another thing, is daycare mandatory for your fc? I was involved with a family that it was mandatory for the child to attend daycare. The daycare acted as the eyes and ears for DSS. I was considering daycare for my Sonny but my worker stated that most of the slots go to parents involved with DSS. I was very pleased about this. I always wondered how does DSS keep infants/toddlers safe. I thought the children were alone with the parents most of the time. Maybe you can find out more info. Some workers are more chatty than others. Good luck!

[MassachusettsMom]

As far as we know, our former FS is not in daycare. I have mixed feelings--on one hand, daycare would keep him safe for several hours per day. But he's never been in daycare and it doesn't seem the best way to help him bond with a birthmother who he hasn't lived with since he was 6 weeks old.

DCF has shut down communication with us. Confidentiality issues, etc. I'm just HOPING that they are doing visits like they are supposed to.

EZ2Luv- thanks for the thoughts. I just wish our laws were more focused on what is in the best interest of the child, rather than focused on the rights of the parents. Then, perhaps, the judges would have an easier time TPRing.

[sunsetsky]

I would make sure to let DSS know ... maybe in writing... that you will take your fc back in a heartbeat. Are you only interested in adopting one child? The reason why I ask is, can you be approved for two children. That way if your fc comes back into care you can accept him. Maybe you can open up your heart to another if you feel you are ready. God has a plan for your child and family.

[henderfive]

WOW! I have been wanting to write about this for a while. My Little one was sent back to bios in Jan. and I wanted to know all the facts on the chances he will be returned. EzLuv really helped me out with a lot of question regarding bios and drug abuse. Both users for over 15 yrs. I tried to get statistics on chilren returning to FC here in Ca. which said only 18-25% of chilren are returned to FC but they only count it within the first 12mo. of RU after 12mo. they are counted as a new case. I also asked a SW that has worked for 18yrs in the system what her input was and she said at least 40% or more are returned into care. My little one's case as now been closed since July 30. They are now offically on their own. Also, the bios had family preservation work with them 2-3 days a week for the first few months of RU so they were constantly in contact with these bios. I really hope they do well but EVERYDAY is a struggle to stay clean for the both of them. I heard bmom was actually kinda sad the case was closing. (um) Bdad has already used a family members credit card without asking, so all we can do is pray, pray, and pray again. It will be 8mo. on 9-11 since we have seen our little one. We still have our home and our hearts open for him, I feel your pain and have a GREAT BIG PRAYER coming your way. Hope all works out I would love to hear any updates.
Henderfive ( If anyone would like to tell me if any of your FC have returned into care and how long it took please let me know I would really like to have a more accurate account.) THANKS!!!!!

[EZ2Luv]

I am glad I was able to shed a little light on how these people operate. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything alright and keep these innocent ones safe even if it means TPR and living in well loved and cared for homes.
The thing is once the addiction becomes active again the old habits resurface and it is just a waiting game before CPS intervenes or there is an arrest or God forbid an overdose. Some addicts are able to funtion for a while while using but eventually their addiction will escalate (especially so if they have lost children to addiction before) to the point of not even being able to take care of themselves let alone children.

Where I work there have been a couple of RU in the spring and I am just waiting (that sounds so sad) because I know these parents are not sticking to their program. My coworkers and I sometimes just roll our eye when we see certain clients because we know what is going to happen. Our hands are tied though and all wecan do is take notes and pray that if CPS does intervene we can have some documentation of our suspicions. there is really nothing that can be done on suspicion alone. It would be different if they walked in intoxicated or high then we would assess them, refuse to dispense their medication(methadone) and drug test them. Even after all that unless they have an open case where DSS is recieving updates all we can do is document for when DSS picks up on them again. It really is like a revolving door for some and again the children suffer.
I often wonder what the role of DSS really is. I know to the bios they are the enemy and they claim to protect the children, but how can this be good for any child?
I undertand that they want to try and preserve the family, but at what price?
Anyhow, enough of my little rant. Hopefully if these bios are screwing up there will some one who will see and make a report now that the cooler weather is here and the kids are back to school. What helps to is if there are school aged children so that teachers or counselors within the school system can be aware of what might be going on at home. Another thought is if these are smaller children/babies it is possible that their health care providers would be able to notice if something wasn't quite right.

I will make a point to keep all these innocent ones in my prayers as well as all you foster families that have a place in your home and heart.

EZ
I also want to add that unless we actually witness abuse or neglect or have a client actually tell us what is going one we cannot report them. We are mandated reporters though and have called an clients in the past and will continue to do so if we see or hear(from the parent) there is a problem. We just cannot pick up a phone on suspicion.

[MassachusettsMom]

Hender5: This is second-hand info, but we know two families who adopted children after failed RUs. They were both situations where a child had been removed as a baby, spent several months in foster care, then was RUed, then came back into care. In one case, the RU lasted 8 months and the toddler was returned to the former pre-adoptive foster family. In the other case, the RU lasted almost a year, then another child was born and the hospital caught abuse of the baby and all the kids were removed, then the children bounced through a few more foster homes before finally ending up with their adoptive family. In both cases the BPs voluntarily relinquished after the second removal.

Sunsetsky: Yes, we are open to adopting more than one. We're working to get our home approved for as many as possible, so that we can still take our former FS and his siblings, even if we proceeded with another match. I just wish I knew what was likely to happen... although perhaps I do... and the issue is just having the patience to wait.

[sunsetsky]

The case I mention that the daycare was part of the RU, the child returned to FC after about one year. This was after several concerns of from the worker. They still did not remove the child. It was a call from a medical provider that helped the child get removed. My only warning is she was a very different child when she came back into care. She didn't stay long in her adoptive placement. Long sad, sad story. I was only a small part of this child life but I helped her get the help she needs. She can not be in home with younger children. sad situation

[henderfive]

MassachusettsMom, I agree with finding the patients to see how everything turns out. I really had to ask GOD to take over my pain it was just taking over my life. Now DH and I are doing much better so stay strong it's a VERY bumpy ride, the emotions are all over the place. Thanks for your imput on the R/U that failed I would love to know out of all the children that all these Fmoms come across how many R/U have failed, but I guess that info would even be hard because unless you are foster/adopt you might not know if some of these children were returned. Keep us posted!!!!! And EzLuv, again thanks for all your GREAT imput I have learned so much about drug abuse within the foster system and how it works. I did want to mention that I contacted the bmom this week and she was very polite with me. If you remember she claimed I was trying to still her baby so she did not want to talk to me at first. She thanked me for all the love I gave to her son and said she has given her life to GOD. I really hope she is sincere. Do you see a lot of this with addicts? I heard they will become addicted to church in order to stay clean. If that is the case I would much rather they be addicted to God....
Henderfive