[takingtheplunge]

Hello. My family joked this would happen. We started adoption steps 2 years ago. It's taken a while to go through classes, inspections, etc. Well, of course we are done and wha-la. I'm preg!

During my initial consult with the county, they asked if I was infertile. I said no, I just am high risk for miscarriage. I am as healty as a horse, but dif. factors make carrying child hard for me. I don't get preg. easy, and I have had miscarriages. They asked if I would take b/c during this process. I thought that's an odd Q to ask someone who WANTS badly to have a family. I said no. They said that if I got preg, they might ask me to wait until (now this is the part I forgot) 6 months after a miscarriage or one year after baby delivery. I told them b/c as against my religion (lie). However, I assured them that I still wanted to adopt if I could carry a child. We went into this wanting two + children, and I said I would still adopt if I had a bio baby.

Anyway, like I said, we are in "matching" process now . . . waiting. I almost had an opportunity for a private adoption through a friend of family, but that fell through. My hubby and I are dieing to be parents NOW!

Right now, I am 11 1/2 weeks. preg. I am high risk and see the doc. every other week. I am afraid if I tell the county worker, that he will take me out of matching until I miscarry or a year after I have the baby. I've waited two years to finally get in matching, and being pushed back simply is not appealing at all!

Up until now, I just thought I would not say anything and if I get matched, I could take the kid, and after it is placed I could say I didn't know I was preg. I figure they would not remove the kid. However, as this preg. is going longer, that plan won't work.

Do I just to the "don't ask don't tell" thing?

Will they really put me in suspense if I tell them I am PG?

My concern is that I am going to be 6 months preg one day and not be able to hide it when I get this call for our dream adoptee.

As mentioned, our profile says we want two, but I know they warned me about getting preg. I think they think that preg. people cannot give both kids attention at the same time. I think is not right for them to profile someone's ability to juggle attention for a bio and adoptee because they often place siblings groups, in which case affection needs to be juggled too.

What do I do?

[BrandyHagz]

You keep talking about 'social workers' and kids - I assume you're dealing with the state and adopting from the Foster Care system?

If thats the case and they find out you're lying, you may never get certified in your state again - in addition to losing your current certification. Rules are in place for a reason - if you can't follow that one, what other ones will you break? Get the logic?

If you're talking about Infant Domestic Adoption - I encourage you to go to Google News and do a search of "Nebraska Adoption Overturned" - you'll get your possible answer by reading that story.

In infant domestic adoption - it involves more than just you and a social worker.

[thanksgivingmom]

Personally, I think lies in adoption is horrible. I understand your desire to be a parent and I don't discount that at all. I understand that postponing this isn't "appealing" to you, but being lied to isn't "appealing" either.

Furthermore, if it's your agencies policy to not match/place with pregnant women or women that have given birth in one year prior to placement, then you're breaking policy and being hugely dishonest. I just truly do not see the need for lies in this process.

Whether you understand the reasoning for the agencies policy or not, that doesn't change the fact that they HAVE the policy, which I'm assuming at one point you agreed to.

[takingtheplunge]

I am talking about county adoption through foster care. The private adopt opportunity was some random different opportunity that fell through b/c they changed their minds.

You state " If thats the case and they find out you're lying, you may never get certified in your state again - in addition to losing your current certification. Rules are in place for a reason - if you can't follow that one, what other ones will you break? Get the logic?"

Right now I am not "lying" because technically they haven't asked if I got preg. I am in matching and waiting for the phone to ring. What do I do? You say, "rules are in place for a reason?" I didn't actually sign an greement about pregnancey, and I forgot the specifics of what their intended guidelines are. But, I feel like who are they to say that I am unfit if pregnant? I feel as if this miracle pregnancy is punishing me. I finally waited two years to be in matching, and I don't want to go "on hold" because I may or may not have a successful pregnancy. My house and heart are big enough !! Should I just do the "don't ask don't tell thing" or do I really have to call and tell them?

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by takingtheplunge

Right now I am not "lying" because technically they haven't asked if I got preg. I am in matching and waiting for the phone to ring. What do I do? You say, "rules are in place for a reason?" I didn't actually sign an greement about pregnancey, and I forgot the specifics of what their intended guidelines are. But, I feel like who are they to say that I am unfit if pregnant?

This agency is not doing this to spite you. They are not saying you are unfit. They are saying that they have an established policy and that you are going against that policy. It may not seem fair to you, but they can have policies in place that you don't agree with. And yeah, it can suck, but it doesn't change it.

I understand that "technically" you're not lying, but really, it is a lie by omission. Arguing semantics like that can get people into hot water very quickly...

[browneyes0707]

If you don't divulge your pregancy, you risk losing the placement after the fact, and how fair is that to the child to have to be removed because of an omission? How fair is it to other waiting families who did abide by policies that have to wait longer?

Whether you like the policies or think they are fair isn't the issue. You agreed to abide by the agencies stipulations (and if you forgot the specifics of what you agreed to, my advice to you would be to read up on them stat) and it's up to you to maintain the agreement you made (whether verbal, written, signed, etc) Anything less is morally and ethically wrong. Lying by omission is still lying. You have an obligation to admit the truth. The fact that you tell us that you know the agency warned you about getting pregnant, and you are considering "don't ask don't tell", you already know what you are thinking of doing is a violation of policy. Why risk it? Why not wait the required time?

I don't mean to be harsh, but the ramifications of your actions could be worse than just doing the honest and moral thing. I know it doesn't suit your plan, but chances are they will find out.

[Oceans]

I firmly agree with everything about not keeping this pregnancy secret. Do not break the rules - not for foster care or otherwise. Hiding the truth has no place in adoption.

If you get a placement today, and your pregnancy goes to term, the agency will find out and possibly disrupt. That will be incredibly hard on you, the baby you are carrying not to mention the baby/child that is placed with you.

I still encourage you to google the case Brandy suggested. Agencies aren't saying that you can't parent 2 children at once. But this can become physically dangerous for you and your baby. Matching, infant care, foster kids, placements, etc, etc, etc. can be extremely stressful not to mention the battle you will have if the agency finds out (and you have accepted a placement). In the above court case the adoptive mother delivered 2 months (?) early, her baby was in the NICU for several weeks... They weren't sure if he was going to make it. It was very sad...

There are so many bad outcomes to this... Adoption isn't just about your desire to parent. Sorry if that's harsh but your choices affect many others too...

[takingtheplunge]

I found details about the case at Birth Parents Blog, First Parents Blog - The Importance of Honesty in Adoption

It appears in this case the bio mom was looking for a family w/o kids. I can understand why she may feel mislead. However, in this case, the agency requested the adoption be overturned, not the parent. This was a private agency.

In the foster system, they give people kids who have multi-children. Often they give couples two or three siblings sets at once --- all with various issues. Only in rare relinquishment cases, do bio parents get to choose the family. In that situation (a relinquishment), I can understand telling the bio parent everything about you. However, 98% chance I will get a match to a kid that was taken away. So what if I am PG if I am healthy and have room for the kid?

Now maybe I am overly concerned. I don't remember signing anything. Perhaps the soc. worker was just advising me against getting preg. I remember they mentioned when taking the 13 parenting classes that they were happy when a foster mom got preg but were sad because she gave the foster baby back in lieu of her own on the way. I wouldn't do that.

How do I find out what their actionable policy is? Again, maybe they will evaluate case-by-case.

[BrandyHagz]

Well, call them and tell them. If their actionable policy is that you can't adopt right now - then you've fulfilled your obligation to tell them about a life altering event taking place in your life (you’ll need to get your homestudy updated anyway, as circumstances have changed). If they don't care, then there ya go.

Most state agencies (and private agencies) will not allow you to accept new placements/start an adoption within 1 year of a 'life altering event'.

That includes pregnancy, divorce, death, miscarriage, major life change like a house fire, major medical diagnosis, like Cancer or something similar.

If they do have a policy, and it's very likely they do - trying to skirt around it will only keep you from being able to EVER adopt from your state...

Being upfront and honest is always the best course of action. If you wait till a social worker shows up on your step and you answer the door 7 months pregnant, they are seriously going to wonder what else you lied by omission about.

Having been licensed myself, the only advice I can give you is that you don’t want to start off on the wrong foot.

[scandi]

As a worker who has worked in adoption, it is the best practice to not place a child in a home where the mother is currenlty pregnant. THat being said is best practice always followed - no. I can say that if I was working with a family that was not being honest whether by omission or flat out dishonesty, it would be something that we would question, in regards to placing any children there.

[Oceans]

The way to find out for sure is to ask them...

In the above case, the aparents never signed anything about disclosing pregnancy either. The case was overturned on agency policy among other things.

You may not believe this but if you have a high risk pregnancy you are endangering the life of the child you are carrying. This is one of the reasons why agencies have the policy in the first place (or at least the Nebraska one).

If you say nothing and get a placement the agency would have every right to disrupt - that is hard on babies/children - it happens a lot in FC – Why would you risk doing that to a child? This isn't about your being able to parent multiple kids. This is about what in the best interests of all the children involved.

Again - sorry if this is harsh and it's just my opinion.

[Withay]

I would say to tell the agency that you are pregnant. If you are at high risk for miscarriage, the stress of an adoptive placement during pregnancy would not be at all healthy for you or your unborn child.

As has been said before, lying by ommission is still lying. The best policy is always honesty.

Tell the truth.

[thanksgivingmom]

I've been thinking about this a lot, and my feeling is that you have already decided what you are going to do and are looking for people to support your decision.

How would you feel if expectant parents came on here asking for ways to dupe aparents or lie by omission? It wouldn't be warmly received I can be sure of that. I don't see how this is any different.

You're looking for loopholes i.e. actionable policies as if there's a justification for lying.